Saturday, July 31, 2010

Cibai, module selection not successful.
No classes for next semester, fuck it!
Stupid RP system, fuck it!!!!!!!

Bersabar, Faz.

Finally talked to Ummi Aisyah last night.
I feel slightly better.
I think it's all meant to be.
& she's super funny when it comes to joking around with her.
I love her to bits.
I'm gonna have to trade free after-school days with maulids for next week.
Up till Friday 'cause Ummi goes back to Indonesia on Friday morning.
:(
:(
:(

I felt calmer after going for all these maulids.
& I'm halfway through memorizing Salawat Taj.

If tomorrow happens, then my niat would be put into play mode.
For the rest of my life.

Everyone except you, is supportive.
It was not in my intention to give you pressure just because I'm doing it.
So don't make me feel terrible, because this is the only right decision I've made in my entire life.
& I feel good about it.
& nothing you say or do will make me change my mind.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Perfect

I think this would be so effective right now.
Too bad I lost it.

"You're just gonna damage yourself with all these kind of thoughts. Everyone believes in you, everyone is strong for you. & if you can't be strong for them, then you're not worth them being strong for."

How is it that I tell myself this everyday, and yet, I still end up feeling sorry for myself, for the state I am in. Damaged? That pretty much fits. Yeah sure, I pray, I doa until I cry, I go for maulids whenever I can, but at the end of the day, I still can't accept this reality, the fate that Allah has written for me. Each day I ask, why me? What have I done to deserve all this? Why do I have to be the reason my parents go through watching me in pain and trying to take that away?

I wish I had the guts to talk to Ummi Aisyah about this. But I know I'd cry. This always makes me cry. Indonesia opened my eyes to many things, but I still haven't grasped on the acceptance part. & I know that's what she would say to me.

I just keep pushing on because I don't want to disappoint the people who love me. & the truth is, I would be too happy to actually plunge a knife through THAT pain. But I don't because I don't have the guts to and because it's stupid.

No matter how each day hurts, no matter what I go through each day, I just suck it up. I know there is a reason behind why all these happen to me. I know that. But accepting it, is hard. Today was even worse. I had two choices. & I was torn between the two. The first was tempting, but it had risks. The second, it'd take a while. After much thinking, I chose the latter, because I didn't want risks in the first place and if those risks happened, I would have to give up photography, and that is something I can't bring myself to do. I'd do anything for this, just as long as there are no risks.

You don't know what it's like to be me. I've lived like this since 2007, do the math. & each year, it just adds on.

It hurts so much, physically, emotionally, whatever. I wish I could find a way to numb it. I need faith, but it's too far away for me. I broke too easily, I gave up too easily. I don't have the strength to be strong anymore. Everyday, you hurl shit at me and all I do is shut up and fake a smile and pretend like it's nothing. Then I'd relive those moments in my mind and break down. That's typical me.

Seriously, my mind is in a complete mess. I'd rather let it all out here than tell anyone. Cause sometimes, it's just hard to string the words together. I'm just in no mood right now. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. No one is making me feel better either.

I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and get over it. Bye.

Yet again, I've realized so much things.

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely
So, please don't leave
Was it something I said ror just my personality

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Friends

I'm featuring your face on my blog for the first time since many weeks so be honoured.
So you better start blogging again. :p

So yesterday wasn't really a maulid like the ones we always have. It's mostly zikir, 3 doa(s) many times over. But seriously, I was damn nervous as the time for Ummi Aisyah to arrive came closer and closer. It's seriously like meeting my mom-in-law for the first time, though this wouldn't be the first time, but I ALWAYS get nervous whenever it comes to meeting Ummi Aisyah. Even at Indonesia, I feel nervous whenever I'm near her, or whenever she has a serious look on her face, because I know she can see right through you. What bad things you've done, what kind of person you are, what kind of sicknesses you have and stuff like that. Wali Allah, biase la. Even my sister feels the same way. She gets nervous too, because she would feel guilty after that, which means she's aware of what she did before. Hahaha.

But seriously, the kind of treatment we receive from Ummi Aisyah is different from others. Even my maid says that. I'm not complaining or what la, but it's scary, ya know. Okay la, I should be happy about it actually. But still, to hug and kiss us like she likes us so much. To tell the truth, I haven't seen her do that to girls like me and my sis. I mean, daughters of those who follow Ummi. Hmm.

The part I don't understand about last night was when I gave Ummi the CDs I owe her which contained videos and photos of the maulid at her house. Someone asked her what's that, who give? Then Ummi pointed at me, itu, cucu saya yang kasi, kalau mau, mintak sama cucu saya itu. I froze when everyone looked at me. I WAS SPEECHLESS. Then Ummi laughed. -.- But what's that supposed to mean sia?

I've realized a lot of things after last night. :(

Note to self: Memorize Salawat Taj and read everyday, 10 times after every prayer.

These days everybody wants to find out how the story ends
So we say nothing is a possibility if you don't got your friends
And I know as time goes but we're never gonna pretend
Cause you and me will always be friends

Monday, July 26, 2010

These girls are awesome, and never fail to make me laugh.
It feels weird to be doing this, but nice at the same time.
Alhamdulillah?

Thanks, Haikal, for letting me use your camera that day!
You're linked!

I think that just by watching my aunt, it makes me learn so much. That your life can come to a dead end at anytime, and when it does, you'd turn to Him. If you realize, sometimes, we only turn to Him when we really, really need Him. & when we don't, we don't pray, ngaji and stuff, even though we're supposed to. Hmm.

Let's just hand everything over to The Almighty, shall we? I hope she'll keep on fighting her cancer. We'll never give up on her. To tell the truth, sometimes I have visions of my phone ringing to send me bad news that concerns my aunt. The very thought scares the shit out of me. Ohmygod, think positive, Faz.

Ummi Aisyah is pimpin-ing a maulid at my loverly home tomorrow! Heeeee. Goodnight all. May you always be in the best of health. :)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

.....

My 2nd boyfriend!! So sad I don't have a picture with him. :(

I miss the melayus from W35F. I was watching the Live In Texas videos despite the time (11.41!) but I just missed those days so much. When paying attention in class didn't matter, when everyday was all about having fun, when there'll be funny, lame, make-you-laugh-till-you-shit-your-pants MSN convos during class, when Syai is forever pulling his pranks on me, when break times are with the malay girls, when there'd always be taupok sessions, when it was laughters and screams and joy each day, when it was looking forward to more the next day, when it was watching him secretly and getting caught by Maisarah Kamal, when it was interrogation sessions by Syai, when it was just secretly crushing on him for 2 months, when it was those shy glances, when it was secretly watching his laptop screen, when it was tolerating Syai's teases, when it was playing with Eunice's hair everyday, when I'll always laugh everyday no matter how bad my night before was, when we'd make fun of Programming faci, when we interviewed each other during formal week, when I'd run around with my camera to keep memories for all of us, when it was Kak Siti this and Kak Siti that, when Syai would always make my day, when Maisarah would always tease me about him, when Eunice wiggled her eyebrows at me when she found out about the 2nd couple of W35F, when it was all so.....happy back then.

The list could go on and on. I remember every detail, every feeling I had. I miss you people. Period.

I'm really thankful I have memories like all of you for my first semester in poly. I'm really happy that I get to meet people like you guys. Keep in touch always, ya?

Submitted Assignment already, weee~~!! But will still update it from now on. When will I ever begin on the PP poster design? Tsk.

Nights, all. Hope you'll always be in the best of health. :)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I'll Back Off So You Can Live Better

It was a funny event, her relatives are very kecoh, and not forgetting HUGE; she has a big big big family. Most of the time, I felt like I was the boyfriend meeting her side for the first time. -.- She'd whisper to me who's this, who's that, their relation to her and stuff like that. I felt so boyfriend-y, seriously. The saddest thing I realized when I got home was I didn't take a single picture with Fiqri. He is sucha handsome boy. Never mind, will have to make do with the pictures that I have of him.

Thank you Liyana for inviting me! & thanks for the food as well. Yummy-licious!

I notice that I look chubby in tudung. Haha. & tall. & I have never in my life given money for this kind of thing. Cukur rambut, jemputans etc. You know the part when at the end of the day, the guest gives the host money in an envelope. Yeah, my mum said I have to do that. & when I was about to leave at the end of the day, I tried to make Liyana give the envelope instead but she pushed me to her sis-in-law. I didn't even know what to say sia! Sheesh. So paisey now.

Anyways, I found something nice online.

♥ I asked Allah to take away my pain.
Allah said No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

♥ I asked Allah to make my handicapped child whole.
Allah said No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

♥ I asked Allah to grant me patience.
Allah said No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations, it is not granted, it is learned.

♥ I asked Allah to give me happiness.
Allah said No.
I give you blessings, happiness is up to you.

♥ I asked Allah to spare me pain.
Allah said No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares, and brings you closer to me.

♥ I asked Allah to make my spirit grow.
Allah said No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

♥ I asked Allah for all things that I might enjoy life.
Allah said No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

♥ I asked Allah to help me LOVE others,
as much as He loves me.
Allah said .......
Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

Allahuakhbar :D

Naise. I like. Okay then, off to finish up Assignment 2, though it's still far from finishing. Sigh.

What is this weird feeling? Why its presence?

Kkeojyeo julge jal sara
Geumalbakke nan motae
Ijeo julge jal sara
Na eobsido haengbokhae
Nega beorin sarang
Nega gajyeoga
Namgimeobsi gajyeoga
Mianhadan maldo hajima
Nae geokjeong hajima

I'll back off so you can live
That is all I can say
I'll forget you so you can live better
So that you will be happpy without me
The love you tossed away
You can take it
Don't leave even a trace behind and take it all
Don't even say you are sorry
Don't worry about me

Friday, July 23, 2010

I am currently speechless.
I currently don't know what to feel.
Hoping for the best won't make the situation better
Expecting the worst could just pull me into the darkest pits I've never fallen into.

I prayed.
I hoped for the best for her.
Without fail, after each prayer, I remember her in my do'a.

This is not fair.

When I look at her daughter and think about what might happen, my heart breaks even worse.
I really can't stop crying.

Yes, sudah ditakdirkan.
But the thought of a possible loss is too much to bear.

I'll never stop praying for her.
I promise.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

No More Wishing

July is the month of memories siaa.

A year ago, on 21st of July, W35F had their formal outfit day. & it was from this week onwards that so much happened. I'm sorry if I keep talking about the past but that's all I can talk about. W35F is my favourite part of the past, the best part of my life that has ever happened to me. Eunice gave me a surprise hug just now, and seriously, I was really so happy to see her. It makes me miss those days sia. :(

Gosh, assignment still not completed yet. & for Problem 12, got my first A for OOP module. It's always Bs, about time I got an A. & today, during my breaks, since I was fasting anyway, I caught up with Vampire Diaries. Watched episode 11 to 14. Damon gets hotter with each episode sia. He's beautifully perfect. But I am still Team Stefan. Sorry but I'm always on the good boy side. Anyway, I cried a little but I don't know which part. &! Stefan is such a romantic, for a vampire. & he's even more romantic than Edward please! :D

Note to self: Drink milk every single day without fail. :)

I want a love that's side by side
I want a love that holds me tight
I want a love that feels like a dream
But when I wake up, he's still there with me

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I am not joking, this made my morning, it made me smile so huge.

Sometimes, when I open up Blogger to post something, I find myself at a loss of words. I'd upload a picture that I feel like posting, and then I would stare and wonder what I should talk about. Unless at that point of time, I have a lot of things to say. Other times, like now, I wonder about what to say because sometimes, you feel this way and yet, there is no amount of words to describe this feeling. Ya get what I mean? I mean, ranting all about how my day went is kind of.....boring. I can't even stand how I live each day, and if I were to go in detail about how it went, I'd probably bore the reader to tears, right? & it's not like I've got a bunch of loyal readers. I don't even know who reads my blog, or if anyone even reads it.

I seriously am so very tired. But I don't feel very much like sleeping.

Oh, Ummi Aisyah coming down tomorrow! Heh heh heh heh heh. I'm very much excited to meet her again. Liyana was also hoping to meet her, but I am not particularly sure when the maulid would be, so I can't know if Liyana would be free by then. Hmm.

& speaking of Liyana, this Saturday is her niece's cukur rambut, which I was invited to (so honoured! :p) and she actually ordered 100 fruit tarts from me. Well, my mum, to be exact. Haha. Fazlin would be there too, weehee, twin sister. & on that same day, GNK would be meeting to watch the fireworks at Padang. I'm not sure if I wanna go, 'cause I doubt the fireworks would be as full-force as the actual day. Hmm, shall think about it la eh.

I don't have anything else to say. Except that I ain't got a life. & I feel that my eyes 2 years ago were bigger than they are now, and more blacker. Gosh, my eyes now so sepet, especially when I smile at the camera. Grrr~~~

I hope my classmate is alright. Overdose on panadol pills after a break-up with her boyfriend of 4 years. Seriously, I don't think she deserves that. Even though I've only known her for a very short period, I feel that she's a really sweet-natured girl. But trying to kill yourself over somebody who won't come back is really not worth it. If he really loves you, he wouldn't break your heart in the first place. You deserve a better guy than that, after everything you've been through for him. The way I see it, you went through a lot for him, and even he realizes that. Yet, this is how he repaid you. & even after I tried calling him countless times, and left a message for him, you ended up in the hospital. Never mind, the important thing is, you get well, feel better and get over him. I know you love him, so much that you're willing to take your life. But then, taking your life will not bring him back. & maybe this is fate. I hope you'll be strong and accept it.

A lesson I learnt from her experience: Never give your all to someone who wouldn't give it back. 'cause in the end, you'll be left with nothing.

It takes a strong heart to love. It takes a stronger heart to continue to love after it has been hurt.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Speaks for itself.
& I never get tired saying it.
:)

OK KARAOKE on MTV is playing MJ's You Are Not Alone.
Me and my sis agree that he looks better in that MV.
:)

Monday, July 19, 2010

I had that discussion with my sister again last night. The discussion we always have whenever Ramadhan is around the corner, because it meant getting nearer to Aidilfitri, which only raises our hopes to see our one and only lost uncle who evaporated from our lives many years ago.

He has two children now, and Aunty Tini wears tudung now. :) Sometimes, I do wonder how he is, how is he getting on, does he miss us as much as we miss him and stuff like that. 'cause with him, it's not as annoying as it is with Cik La, or as lame as Cik Jal or Ayah Long. With him, it's pure, immense fun.

Oh, ditch that, Faz.

Anyway, I am doing good with Eclipse. Sigh. So far, the classes are doing well. It's the main program that is going to be ultra hard work. Thank god it's OOP module tomorrow. I can ask faci about the time thing.

Shit. I think I know the meaning of that dream now. I've finally grasped it. !!! This is freaky shit. Freaky enough that Natasha was in my dream last night, all urgent, and when I texted her this morning, it turns out she has a bandaged hand thanks to dragonboating. Am I awesome or what? Haha, can dream of a friend in trouble. It's a sign. & this isn't the first time. Now that's freaky....

MAISARAH KAMAL!! GLAD TO KNOW YOU'RE DOING GREAT IN YOUR NEW SCHOOL!
TAKE CARE AND HAVE FUN! JUST DON'T FORGET US! =)

Well, guess I won't force you. :)

MEOW!

Oh no, it's blurr. Never mind. Doesn't stop it from making my morning. This is what made me arrive at Pasir Ris MRT later than my usual time, but who cares? It's very rare for friendly, manja cats to greet me in the morning. Seriously, I was so happy to see Kunyit. Asam is never friendly with me, he'll just scratch me. But Kunyit's playfulness makes me love her more, and my desire for a cat only grows stronger. I don't care, 10 years down the road, I WILL own a cat. I don't mind a shorthair. Persians are hard to take care of. Plus, I happen to have a sensitive nose.

Geez, so tired. My dreams lately are just so freaky, sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep. The whole weekend, weird dreams. The dream I woke up to on Sunday morning, even worse. Cried so many times. Sighhh. & I think my dreams are telling me something. Seriously, there seems to be a hidden message somewhere that I'm missing. Grrr, I hate dreams with hidden messages. I just get so scared after that. :(

Oh man, I want a cat. :(

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Don't laugh at me la please. This was on the Vasantham channel and I've always loved Shah Rukh Khan movies. Have always thought that he and Kajol made the best couple ever. I cried a little, gotta admit that. Haha. & I love this song. Plus, I love Shah Rukh's dimple. Heh. Dimples are cute, seriously. :p

Sorry but I'm a hopeless romantic. Always have been. :D

Friday, July 16, 2010

Almost Lover

I want you to smile like you used to. I think N level is giving you stress you don't realize you're under. Hmm...

I wanna share a story here. :)

So A is a guy, B is a girl. Early 2009, A started texting B. B was in love with another guy, C, but B still text A, in order not to seem rude. There was once where A sort of asked B to go into a relationship with him. But B rejected. They still text each other anyway. Then one day, C broke B's heart. They're not even in a relationship, by the way. C had led B on. So B cried one day in school, and happened to pass by the art room, in which A was in. When A saw B crying, he rushed out of the art room, even though there was a teacher in the room conducting the lesson. (This part damn sweet. It's very rare for a guy to leave important things to do, just for you.) A comforted B, even though he didn't know what was upsetting her. Later on in the year, B realized what a jerk C was, and eventually started to like A. There came a day when A decided to try again and confess to B that he liked her. And B told him that she liked him too. But they didn't go into a relationship. I dunno why. But they did go out together; like play bowling, eat ice-cream, feed horses and whatnots. Things that allow them to spend time with each other. Unfortunately, when A received his N level results, he did not text B. For a while. Then, he told B that he had to go to ITE, and B was secretly afraid that he would fall in love with someone else there. They still text each other, but one unfortunate day, A said something that pissed B off. B realized that they both had nothing in common with each other. But B was okay with it. Then, A completely stopped texting B. They did not even MSN anymore. So as the days pass by, even though B misses A, she just continued with her life without him. Months went by, B developed a small crush on another guy, D, quite forgetting about A. But her feelings for A had never vanished completely. Until one day, she saw A on the bus. They text each other again, but A said something that made B realize again that they had nothing in common. But she cannot forget how they used to do things together, what they used to be. (I call it almost lovers.) After B got over that, she bumped into him again a few days after. He greeted her politely, but then had nothing else to say. B was hurt, and started to miss what they used to be, so she cried and cried and cried. She just wouldn't stop crying! & so, that ends our story.

I think he lost feelings for her. I don't wanna tell her that though. She'll most definitely cry again. I've never seen her break down this bad over a guy. For the first time, I felt so helpless. There's nothing I can do to make her feel better. Sighh.

I just remembered Ummi Aisyah is coming to Singapur (!!!) next week!! Yaaaayyyyy!!!!!!!! The maulid will be at Boon Lay, bummer so far. Tsk. Hope she stays over at our house! Hee. This makes me miss Idruz and Zein. I was watching videos of Idruz and Zein just now, sooooooo adorable la sia!! Hahah. Oh wells. I'll post a video of Idruz one day. His cheerfulness makes you laugh and smile. Heh heh.

Shucks, FTT tomorrow. Dieeee~~~~

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Cinta Yang Sempurna

This child is the cutest baby ever, but also the grumpiest and leceh-est.

Now mugging for Assignment 2. I've written on many papers, planning out the fields and methods and constructors. But I haven't done any on the Eclipse itself. Bummer. I'm actually really sleepy now. But ohwells. I'll do anything for school.

Okay, I added music again. But the pattern on the player, gaaah, but I lazy wanna change so shall leave it that way, haha. Anyway, this is currently a song I like damn much. I found it yesterday, when I was emo-ing away in class. Then I told Liyana to listen to this song, and she say too jiwang, she don't like. :( Anyway, I like, so yeah. The lyrics are damn nice. I especially like this part:

Terima kasih Tuhan
Kau telah sempurnakan
Telah engkau ciptakan
Dia untuk diriku

My neck is in tremendous pain. I think I slept in the wrong position last night, and only made it worse during the train ride this morning. Bummer, bummer, bummer. Okay, ever since I started listening to RC, I've been downloading the songs and playing them loud in the middle of the night. Especially while I'm doing work, like Assignment 2 or simply revision. Seriously calms your mind. So that's it, expect a pianist at my wedding. Haha. 10 years down the road, no? Hahahaha.

Oh, might I mention, the MSN window that greeted me this morning made my day. I was confused when I saw the message on my Facebook wall but the MSN message cleared things up. Hee, Syaiful Amiril. :) It feels good to know that someone will not repeat my mistake. I would post the screenshot I saved of the message he sent me but I decided that it was too personal, and I don't have the right to post it, unless Syai permits it. :)

I'll go do my work now. FTT on Saturday! Confirm fail nye. Then again, what's the point of passing it? I can't even get my PDL. Gah, won't talk about it.

My aunt is still not discharged from hospital. :(

I haven't said this in a while, haha. Malu ah wanna say now. Okay, here goes: Awak, kite dah start rindu awak dah. :(

Kdahbai.

Patahkanlah sayapku
Saat aku mencoba
Berpaling dari kasih dan sayangmu
Maka bunuhlah aku
Bila aku mencoba
Berpaling dan mencari penggantimu

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Yesterday

I tried my best to reach out, to undo what I did.
You're not responding, so what does that mean?

It's been a while since I listened to Richard Clayderman tunes.
God, how I miss his music.
It really calms your soul.


I have always loved this song. Ballade Pour Adeline.
& the way he plays it makes me wanna cry.
The serenity on his face, the pure ease of his fingers running along the keys.
When I first started out on piano, my mum introduced me to his songs.
& I fell in love with them. He became my inspiration.
I just love the calm on his face when he plays.
One day, I will play like him. I just need to practise hard and not give up halfway.
:)

I miss you so much it hurts.

Why she had to go
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

Monday, July 12, 2010

I want to smile like this again. Like there's no care in my world at all.

My aunt was admitted into hospital today. The moment I stepped into the house, my mum dropped it on me. I was so shocked, I froze in my footsteps. Seriously, this isn't what I need right now. I don't know anything about her condition, and I know my mum is half-lying about the stronger painkiller thing.

Am I wrong? Was it wrong of me to tell you how I feel? All this time, every unhappy feeling I have concerning you, I kept it inside. Knowing that you'd change, knowing that it's just for a while. But this is the final one I can take. I want you to understand, that kind of smile belongs to me. Seriously, that's why it hurts. 'cause you didn't see yourself.

Maybe it's childish. Maybe it's over-reaction on my part. But what the heck? I care, which is why I tell you. Even if you may think I'm being childish or stupid or jealous or whatever, it's still because I care. I've always been silent when there's anything I'm unhappy about. But I want to change that. I want to be heard. Yet, seeing your reaction, maybe I was wrong to have said anything. Is being honest wrong then?

I wish this didn't have to happen. But I just wanted you to know how I felt, I wanted you to understand.

Anyway, question to all of you: How does it feel like to have your grandmother put you to sleep? Like maybe, stroke your hair when you lie your head on her lap, or pat-pat your shoulder or back. I saw this grandma do this to her granddaughter at the train platform just now, it almost made me cry. :( What I would give in this world to have just one experience of that. Moral of story, cherish your grandparents. :)

Maybe I was wrong then.
It speaks for itself.
This blew me offguard.
I'm still :O
Weddings excite me, as well as my sisters (please note the plural, yes, my youngest sister of 4 years old is excited too when it comes to weddings. :D). For me, it meant two things:

First, the yummy, yummy, oh-so-yummy foooood glorious fooooood (I'm sorry, I can't help it 'cause I'm in love with food and the fact that I just can't grow fatter than I currently am).

Second, the unity of two souls who are going to spend the rest of their lives together; in sickness and in health, through good and bad times.

Yesterday's wedding was pretty much entertaining. But after waiting for the wedding couple, who were ceremoniously late, for two hours(!!), we soon got bored. The best part of the wedding is the band (percussions, flutes, one accordion and singers). THEY FUCKING PLAYED "KERONCONG UNTUK ANA" and it was FUCKING NICE. It was my first time watching someone play the accordion, live! & it was beautiful, I swear to God, I kid you not. Simply beautiful music.

I swear, I want this kind of band at my wedding. Only addition would be a grand piano. Then, then, then, I will play a song for my husband!!! Awww, so sweet. Eh, wait, I cannot discuss wedding plans here. Later you all copy my idea. Hahahahahaha.

So yeah, yesterday's food was also pretty much pretty awesome. There was Putu Piring and ice-cream and chocolate eclairs(effing delish, I swear!), aside from the usual Nasi Briyani and lauk(s).

Seriously, my sis and me were talking about what our weddings were gonna be like when it's our turn during the whole of the wedding event. My sis, as usual, dream BIG. Haha. My dad was like saying to me, why you don't want gamelan? I was like, maybe the fusion one la. Hahahahaha, imagine Gamma Rays at my wedding. But bottom line, I'd much rather have a live performing band than music coming out from speakers.

Okay, I'm dreaming big too. Hahahahaha. Okay, shuddup.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

What's come over me?
Those words hit home.
Why am I so different now?

Fuck.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Days Gone By

I've been thinking of him ever since I found out he was sick. But when my mum went on and on and on about him, I realized she had a point. Quite a lot actually. But in my own personal opinion, it is not up to her to decide his punishment. It is all up to The Almighty. What can I do to make her change her mind? 'cause this really can't go on.

I keep thinking and getting paranoid about it but I'm really afraid of losing him. I don't know why it matters so much to me because it doesn't seem to bother the others. I often look back on my childhood years, when everything was so perfect and happy. And when I think about the years we lost, and losing right now, I just can't help but cry. I wanted to change something in this family, or try to make things okay while I can so I won't live with regrets but it's hard when my mum hates him. Hates him so much that she is trying to punish him and make him pay for his mistakes. I don't blame her, 'cause I can understand where she is coming from, but I just don't get why. Why?

This song fits everything I'm feeling right now. Because I can never bring back the time lost between us. I miss him, I love him, despite everything he has done. 'cause I don't care, nobody's perfect anyway.

I know it's pointless thinking about this thing over and over again because no matter what, nothing can be done. I am tied down by the promise I made to my mother.

It's hard to talk to someone about this. Sometimes, you just can't find the right words to say. No words can ever describe the way I feel about this whole mess. Sometimes, the words themselves are hard to even say out loud. It makes it hard for me to confide in anyone. & sometimes, people just can't listen to what I have to say. But I hate bothering people with my problems. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Liyana says I have to change my mindset. I shouldn't be too stressed up. It'll affect the IBS worse. If it really is IBS. With everything happening right now, and no one to run to, how can I change anything? I greet every new day with a smile, suppress everything inside, pretend it doesn't really matter and it isn't happening. But things happen, and I get reminded, and I cry. It sucks being me, and you've got no idea.

Sorry if I'm very emotional. I really feel terrible right now. What more, I'm so fucking tired. & we still have 400 more berkat cupcakes to go. & Liyana even noticed that I've been very emotional lately. Ohwell.

I just need to let out everything but it's too personal and I don't want the whole world to know about my darkest secrets. All I need is someone who wouldn't judge me, someone who wouldn't say anything, someone who won't give me any advices, someone who is willing to listen to me, someone who would just let me cry.

I don't mind crying alone though. It's always been that way. How disappointing.

But god I miss you
So much it hurts sometimes
& I can't bring us back to all the days gone by
Why didn't I notice
That you were not quite fine
Now I can't bring us back to all the days gone by

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

These two are the strongest women I have ever known in my life.
They work so hard for their families, and when all else goes wrong, they keep faith and remain strong. For the sake of their families.

When Hubbi first got into that accident, my mum was there for Cik Azizah.
My mum sacrificed her time at home to go to the hospital to bace maulid for Hubbi.
My mum's business helped Cik Azizah's financial issues ALOT.
& even though my mum herself is facing problems, she never stops helping others.
Sometimes, I see a reflection of her in me.
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but I do realize this.
We'd go distances to help people, yet, when people step over our heads, we still keep helping them. When we get betrayed, we still forgive. We never forget, but pretend as though it never happened. So the same thing will repeat. Betrayed, forgive, betrayed, forgive.

There is only one person I know my mum hasn't fully forgive.

Even so, I just feel that she's such a strong woman.
& so is Cik Azizah.
No wonder they're good friends.
:)

I admire strong people.
It makes me wanna be strong too.
But, that's easier said than done.
I wonder how they do it.
:(

Written In The Stars

I love being your girl. :)
You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Happy 11th! :)

'cause when I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
When I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart
The place where we are
Was written in the stars

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I spoke too fucking soon.
Easy to put in the lens.
So fucking hard to get it out.
I took one fucking hour trying.
Ended up with my sis playing with my eyelids and eyeball.
& she successfully got it out.
My eye is bloody red now and it fucking hurts.
Chee. Bye.

When We Say

Natasha Yow Hisham surprised me with this up there. I don't know how she found it but hey, GNK! I'm not the only one who publicize us. Haha. But then, my face so unglaaammmm. Photographer niiii, ishh. & I didn't know my cheeks were that red that day! I didn't even wear much of blush. Tsk. But! Thanks, Natasha! This was the second thing today that made me smile. I had such a terrible day with my team mates, if I may add. But I don't wanna talk about it. So, yeah, thanks again, Natsy. & I should add this too:

I SWEAR TO GOD, THERE WAS A GUY IN FRONT OF ME IN THE TRAIN WHO HAD LIPS LIKE MR DESMOND CHONG, I KID YOU NOT, BABE!

Okay, dah. HAHAHAH. :p

This majorly made me smile today. I was so fucking, bloody, awesomely happy. Pardon my language for now. I don't know how else to express my happiness for this. No words can describe how I feel, seriously. It's like, after being rejected four times, after staying up nights to perfectly summarize everything, after researching endlessly on the internet for resources and whatever, after endless typing and changing of the formats and whatnots, after sitting for hours at the coffee table just to finish this up, IT IS FUCKING APPROVED!!! *wigglewigglewiggle*!!!!!!!

Alright. I've calmed down a bit. Oh yeah, guess what? While I'm typing all these out, I'm actually wearing my hard contact lens. Hee. Last Friday, I actually wanted to wear it to school but unfortunately, I couldn't get the lens onto my stupid eyeball because I keep blinking and my lashes sort of stop the lens from even touching my eyeball. As if my eyelashes so long also. Tsk. But anyway, I tried again just now and Farah watched me. Haha. So funny. "Why Ah Long put sticker inside Ah Long eye?" -.- Haha, cute pe adek aku ni. I almost choked on my saliva just laughing. HAHA. Anyway, ya, the thing was on my finger and I was like, Bismillah, and *open eye big big*, pooof! The lens went in! At the first try!!! When I actually tried for half an hour last Friday. Such a miracle sia. :)

I don't know why. This feeling. Yes, it's still love, stronger than before. But it's that kind of feeling when you just feel scared for the future, of being unsure of what will or will not happen. But then, who isn't scared of the future? I sure am, especially for what is in store for me. Never mind, I think this is just...me.

I can't stop farting today sia. So smelly summore. Sheesh.

Something 'bout the way
Something 'bout the way you look in my eyes
You make everything so damn easy
So easy that I don't got to worry about a thing

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Love

I was bored. So I read stuff and here's to share what I liked. :)

Love by Amanda Norton

Love is something that is not easily explained
No one word can express it
And no one person feels the same about it
It’s waking up in the morning wanting to be with that one person
And going to bed feeling the same way
It’s knowing that you want to spend the rest of your life with him
And it’s a feeling so great that no matter what anyone says will never be taken away
It’s crying every night when the one you love doesn’t love you back
It’s feeling that pain in your heart when you lose that one person.
But to just hear those three little words come from his mouth
And actually know he means it
That’s the best feeling in the world
To know that someone loves you for you
And wants to be with you forever
Love is hard to find, and even harder to keep
It takes time and effort to keep it going
But you don’t mind because you would do anything in the world to keep it
It’s knowing that when you come home you’ll have someone to share your day with
It’s that last conversation of the night before you fall asleep
He’s the first one you want when you wake up
The only thing that’s on your mind all day, every day
It’s knowing that someone’s always there for you to cry on
Someone’s always there for you to talk to about anything
And won’t judge you for that
It’s the person you feel the most comfortable with in the world
And to know that you have that
That you share that special bond with one other person
That’s the best feeling in the world.
But when you lose that feeling
When you lose the only thing that ever mattered to you
It seems like life has no purpose, no point at all
You feel like you could just curl up and die
That nothing or no one else matters to you
And the only thing that you’ve ever wanted is now gone
And you will do anything to get him back,
Because he’s worth it
You’ll try and try until one day you realize
That things will never be the same again.
Your love is still there, deep inside of you
So you try your best to just be friends,
And it works for a while
But the feelings are still there
And no matter how hard you try friend will never be good enough
So you want to forget about him, but that’s even harder
There’s too many memories, to many good times to just forget
And no matter what you do, he’s always there
Everywhere you look, everything you do, every place you go,
Every song you hear, every guy you see
Reminds you of him
And you hope some day you’ll be back together
But until then there’s nothing you can do
But sit and cry, to go through that pain when he talks about
Another girl he likes, or how good his life is going
And that pain breaks your heart day after day
Tear after tear, until you have no mores tears to cry
Until you just get used to that hole in your heart that won’t go away,
That pain that never leaves you
That lonely feeling that stays with you forever
And you may have other guys, but nothing or no one could ever compare, and you know that.

Love Is Blind by Samantha

There was a little girl named Mackenzie, and when she was five something tragic happened. Her friends and her were playing with rocks, and one kid threw a rock in her eyes by mistake. Ever since then she was blind. Because of her being blind, everyone made fun of her and she had no friends.

When she was sixteen, she was sitting in the library, listening to an audio book when a boy came up to her.

“Hello there, what are your reading?”

“I’m actually listening to War and Peace,” replied Mackenzie.

“Oh, I love that book!” he said.

They began to talk about it, and a bunch of other stuff too. His name was Ryan and he was also sixteen. When the library closed, they each gave one another their phone numbers. Ryan didn’t realize she was blind.

Later that day, Ryan calls her house. They start to talk, and don’t stop until three hours later. When she had to go, Ryan asked her out on a date, and excitedly she said yes.

On this date, Ryan realizes that Mackenzie is blind. But he doesn’t care, it doesn’t change any of his feelings about her. During their next couple of dates, she finally admits to being blind.

“Yeah, I noticed a while ago,” he admitted.

“But, why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

Mackenzie was shocked about this answer, and she felt something she had never felt before; love.

So eight years later, Ryan has a surprise for her.

“I have been saving up money for you to get a cornea transplant ever since we were sixteen, and now I finally have enough.”

So when the doctors took off Mackenzie’s bandages, the first thing she saw was Ryan, on his knees, with a ring in his hand.

Heart's Melody by Melissa

“Aah! I’m sorry I keep messing up!” Kimmie slammed her fists on the piano and winced when it made an ugly sound. “I’m a horrible piano player.”

“No!” Ryan protested. “You’re good. You just get so nervous!”

Ryan and Kimmie were sitting in his brightly lit living room. She was seated at the glossy black piano while Ryan was seated on the couch parallel to her, strumming his guitar. Somewhere in the other room Ryan’s bulldog named Otis was barking.

“Play the first bar for me,” Ryan said.

Kimmie nodded and began to play. The piece wasn’t very hard; not hard at all, actually. But every time she thought about what a disappointment it would be if she ruined the piece he worked on, her fingers slipped.

Clang.

“Ugh.” Kimmie was so frustrated. “Maybe you should just ask someone else to play this.” Her fingers absentmindedly played the B-flat scale.

Ryan looked at Kimmie thoughtfully for a few seconds. “Scoot,” He said to Kimmie as he slid onto the piano bench with her. “Okay…,” He murmured. He studied her sheet music and began to play. “You always seem to mess up right about here,” Ryan said while playing. “You go from low D to G to B-flat. Then F to E-natural to E-flat then back to F. Try it.”

Kimmie nodded, took a deep breath, and began to play. That wasn’t a very good idea. He smelled so good! “Shit! I messed up again!” She looked at Ryan from the corner of her eye. He was looking at the sheet music and not at her. “I’m really sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t play this piece anymore. I’m killing the piece you wrote.”

“No!” Ryan shook his head. He bit his lower lip. “Can you-” His voice cracked. He cleared his throat and Kimmie smiled a little. “Can you play this one more time? From the very beginning, okay?” His voice had gone all soft suddenly.

A little suspicious, she began to play once more.

“Want to know why I asked you to play this with me?” Ryan asked over the music as Kimmie neared the part she always stumbled over. “I wrote this song for you.”

When played all the way through the end, a song can say so many things.

Lovely ones from Love Gives Me Hope.

One woman suffered from infertility for 5 years.

Her best friend was dying from cancer and said “I will send you a baby when I get to heaven.”

Two months later, she found out she was pregnant with a baby girl.

Here I am today, 12 years later. A miracle baby. Their love GMH.

I was at work the other day, and I saw an 80+ year old man pushing his wife around the mall in a wheelchair, laughing and kissing.

As I watched, he pushed her straight into the women’s restroom, because she was handicapped and needed help.

That place set aside his dignity and modest to help the woman he still loved.

That man’s LGMH.

My daughter has been taking very long walks every morning.

I decided to follow her one morning cause I was worried about her.

it turns out that she’s been going to her father’s grave every morning and talks to him for hours.

Her never ending love for her father gives me hope.

I woke up with a huge zit smack dab in the middle of my nose.

I had a date with my boyfriend tonight and he showed up at my door with a large pen marking on his nose.

He told me he didn’t want me to be ashamed of something that didn’t matter.

Zachary, your love for me GMH.


I work at a women’s clothing store.

A woman came into the store with her husband. He explained each clothing item in detail to her, then brought her into the dressing room and dressed her himself, telling her how beautiful she looked in each outfit.

She was blind.

Love under any circumstance GMH.


Okay, I should stop. I just loooooooooooooooooooove these kind of stuff. It never fails to make you go "Awwwwww...."

Okay, I want a double cheeseburger. RIGHT. NOW. :(