Happy New Year!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

& GUESS WHAT, I'LL BE POSTING SOMETHING LONG AFTER THIS.

WELL, SATISFACTORY LONG, IF NOT LONG ENOUGH.

ANYHOOS, MAY 2013 BE GOOD TO US, AMIN! :D

Love, Fazzzz

'cause I simply love them together. :3

Hello all. I know it's been a long time since a proper post. Alas, I still can't put up a proper post right now because I can't find any words to describe anything that I'm feeling right now. Terrified, nervous and excited are nothing close to the emotions coursing through me at the moment, and probably for the rest of the year. It's 18 December, 13 more days before 2013 comes swinging by like nobody's business. I just wish time would stop. Like, really stop. Everything is happening so fast, too fast. For once, I just feel like sitting on a bench and just watch the world pass me by. I don't wanna have to worry about having a 2013 planner, about being so forgetful, about taking 14 children on alone next year, about my family, about my future, about my relationship, about buying a watch ASAP, about everything.

I just wanna catch my breath, for crying out loud...

Sometimes, I feel like crying, but I don't even know what I'm crying for or about. I just really wanna sit and just maybe close my eyes and breathe. Breathe.

I can't say much else 'cept this, mates. I've got 1 foreigner and 3 PRs in my class next year. It could be worse than that but I'm thankful for what I have now. :)

Stay strong. & in case I don't say it in time, happy new year and may you have a blessed one ahead.

Lots of love, Fazzz :3

Because you believe.

We believe.

& we can get through this together.

:)

I love you.

I miss you quite terribly.

& I'm not sure how to make this less painful.

Everything I do, wherever I am, reminds me of you.

It gets harder to fall asleep at night.

10 more weeks.

It seems so far away.

I've been through worse.

But I'm not sure how I got through these past 2 months.

I'll just have to remember how to do it for the next 10 weeks.

I really, really miss you.

& you won't have any idea how much.

Not even close.

I Almost Do

I miss him.

Hell, like a lot.

And I just want to tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know that

Everytime I don't, I almost do

I almost do, I almost do

This surprised me this morning when I woke up.

Doaku untukmu sayang, semoga selamat di dalam.

Dreading the week ahead but, looking forward to next weekend.

Abang Din's wedding! Finally!

Kembalikan Senyumku

She's in Singapore right now and I will be seeing her for the next few weeks.

I have a feeling she'll immediately notice my emotional instability.

It's been a hectic week. & I was so emotionally disturbed on Thursday after all that unnecessary nonsense happened. I swear, I've never hated anyone I don't even know well this much. My centre's admin really asked for a kick in the face from me that day. Ugh. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. But seriously, this won't be the last time. It's only the beginning of much worse things that could happen. I don't even know what it is about me that she's against with.

Sigh. I'm not myself anymore. I am a different person now, and I am fully aware of that. The things that happen at my centre changed me. 

When it comes to school, I always look forward to it because it meant meeting my awesome friends who make classes less boring. I have supportive friends who are willing to lend a hand anytime. But when it comes to work, I dread the day ahead because I don't know what would happen. The only thing I look forward to is meeting the children. The children who greet me excitedly all the time when they see me. :')

I want my own class to teach next year. I don't care how tired it makes me. If it pulls me away from Mrs Sing, I'm willing. If it could make me happier with my own bunch of students, I'm willing. What I'm not wiling is to be someone's sidekick and be wronged at any time when it won't even be entirely my fault.

I hope she really leaves next year. Or just work part-time again for the morning classes.

I miss Ahmad.

Even better, I miss my old self. 

Kembalikan lagi senyumku yang manis seperti dulu

Ku rasa kini aku bertahan

Menahan luka yang amat dalam

Kembalikan lagi senyumku aku tak betah begini

Semenjak hati dan jiwa luka

Ku kehilangan senyum

So let's do a proper update/rant. I've had a rough week. Well, pretty much like it. Not only am I doing my practicum folder and everything that goes along with it (photos, recommended activities etc), I'm also helping the K1 teacher do her portfolios of the children.

But before I begin, let me rewind back to before this happened. I call her Mrs Sing, out of respect that she's one of the senior teachers in the centre. So anyway, it all started during my practicum. In the afternoons, I am attached to Mrs Sing's K1 class. But in the mornings, I chose to attach myself to Jean's K1 class instead of Mrs Sing's. This Jean teacher is actually only a part-time teacher because the previous teacher for this class had to return to India. Anyway, I chose to help her because this class is actually really, really rowdy. It's not that Jean didn't set any ground rules until the class misbehave, but she strongly believes in the freedom of speech and play, rather than treating the children like soldiers and scolding them for misbehaving. I like that, actually. But some of the children are just really out of hand so... yeah. So anyway, I had a hard time trying to help her control the class in the mornings, though I must say I have a few favourites. They're actually considered the good role models in the class but, being children, the others just don't get it. Anyway, there is this boy called Deron and another called Daryl. They have this kind of like a love-hate relationship. One minute they'll be playing happily and cheekily, the next minute they could be fighting and complaining to teacher about each other. But like a magnet, they're always together.

I'm sidetracking. -.-

On my third day of practicum, I witnessed an infuriating scene that Jean and I both have the same opinion of. There was a road safety talk from a policeman so the whole school had to gather at the gym room for the talk. When the talk ended, the room became chaotic because we were moving the children out of the gym room to go to the classrooms. Then suddenly, one of Mrs Sing's students complained to her that Deron beat her. Here's the infuriating part. Mrs Sing got angry, scolded Deron and then told the girl to beat Deron back. She actually guided the girl's hand to beat Deron. When Jean and me saw that, we looked at each other in silence. Later on, when we were in the classroom alone with the class and they were doing their work, Jean told me she didn't like what Mrs Sing did. I expressed similar views. But this was the first time I had witnessed such a thing. By right, teachers should not even be encouraging "revenge".

I thought this kind of incident wouldn't happen again, but I was so wrong. Mrs Sing always threatened the children, especially the slower children. One week before my practicum ended, she threatened this boy in her afternoon class called Derron. (I know the names are so similar but I'm not making this up I swear.) This Derron boy is kind of... weird. Somehow, whenever he gets scolded, he just smiles. It becomes creepy, ya know? So anyway, she threatened to take away his snack time if he does not speed up his work. So while she was busy threatening him, I shooed the rest of the class out of the class to prepare for snack time. When I returned into the classroom, she was actually pulling both of Derron's ears upwards. And because he's so small-sized, he actually got lifted up a little. Or maybe he just sat up straighter, I dunno. BUT HE SMILED AFTER THAT. GEESH. But that's not the point. She actually pulled his ears! I was shocked, I swear. I couldn't believe I just saw that coming from a teacher with 12 years of experience. I was already thinking, 'Abuse, abuse, abuse.'

Should I report it?

A couple of days later, also in the afternoon class, Benedict apparently scratched Tiffany. Tiffany went to complain to Mrs Sing. She brought her to Ben and asked him, "Why you scratch Tiffany? Tiffany, scratch him back!" They were all at the tables at the back of the room and I was at the whiteboard in front, quite a distance away, but I was watching the whole scene. When Mrs Sing told Tiffany to scratch Ben back, Tiffany did not respond. She just looked at Ben. THEN! Mrs Sing lifted Tiffany's hand, sort of like in a scratching gesture. Tiffany was just about to claw at Ben when I shouted, "Tiffany, no!"

The first thing in my mind was SHIT.

When I shouted no, I actually took a step forward towards them. But I don't know why I was scared. I was scared for Ben, scared for what it taught the other children. But most of all, I was scared of what Mrs Sing would think of what I just did. But when she heard me shout no, she just laughed and told Tiffany to sit down. Not even a sense of guilt.

Has this been happening over the years?

A few days later, my principal called me over to the office to prepare for Compassion Week. Apparently, I had to teach the children about compassion and use the materials they gave in order to conduct the lessons. But that's not the point. While we were walking into the office, she suddenly asked me, "Siti, what do you do in Pauline's class ah?" So of course I say, "I can't be teaching when she's teaching so I just sit with the kids and make them pay attention when they're talking." Then she nodded and said, "Cause I got feedback from Pauline, she say that she feel like when she's teaching, she's being observed by supervisor like that."

At that moment, I really felt.... effed up. Like, seriously? I run errands for her, zap worksheets for her, go through shit with the stupid risograph machine that keeps jamming, create her worksheets for her because she has to be with her class. & this is what I get? Giving the P the impression that I'm doing nothing in her class and just "observing".

I was super pissed after that. But I didn't have time to dwell on it because I had the Compassion Week materials to prepare.

On my last afternoon of practicum, another incident happened. & I swear I almost reported her to the principal. They were all doing colouring and this boy, Yu Xin, handed up his worksheet first but he gave it to me. So I took it and had a look at it. I noticed the top of the cartoon looked like someone took their crayon and just 'conteng' the cartoon. So naturally, I asked him what happened. He said Yi Ling draw on his paper. Mrs Sing overheard and went over. She called Yi Ling over too and asked her why she did that for.

"You want or not you colour so nice then I take crayon and spoil your paper? Next time you do again I will spoil yours. But I won't draw on your paper, I draw on your face."

I swear, I was already angry at this point. But I didn't have enough courage to stand up for the child. :(

The next day, when I returned in the afternoon during lunchtime, I talked to Jean about it. She said actually can report but I told her we need more evidence than just us being witnesses. It might look like a conspiracy. Then I told her about what Mrs Sing said to P about me. And I was surprised when Jean said, "I know. I know everything. She also got talk about me."

That was the day I realized that when you work in an all-female environment, this kind of thing can't be avoided. Our species are known to gossip and talk behind people's backs. Especially about bad stuff that brings down the reputation of said person.

This has been frustrating me the past two weeks. It bothers me until I can't sleep at night. I want to protect the children. Some come from broken, incomplete homes and school is probably the only place that can shape them to become better, to complete what is not complete at home. I want to help them, I want them to learn the right things. How can I report this when it would affect my own performance in future?

See, if I report this, P would definitely tell Mrs Sing who told her about what she did, and my life at the centre for the next 3 years could either be good or miserable. And I don't want to report it with the intention of jeapordizing Mrs Sing's job. I just want her to stop.

Understand my dilemma now?

I've talked to many parties regarding this and they all said the same thing: Report it. It's the right thing to do.

For the sake of the children.

Now, I just really don't know.

I don't know. I'm still helping Mrs Sing print worksheets and stuff like that. Now, I'm helping her do her portfolios for the children's parent teacher conference in November. She's rushing it out and I help her do it on her laptop while she's teaching the class. It makes it hard for me to do any observations for my practicum folder because my eyes are glued to the screen.

Jean actually misses her time at Blk 409. I actually wish I got Blk 409.

Sigh.

I'm under stress because of this. Can you believe it? Cause I can't. My classmates told me to just note when the incidents happen and what she does to the children. Video it if possible. But that would be mean. I mean, that's in my opinion.

Now do you see my dilemma?

I know it's a long post. I just had to. There's nowhere I can go to without feeling even more depressed about what I should do.

Sigh.

Stay

I miss him more every single day.

I know it was just 3 weeks.

But in that 3 weeks, I went through a lot.

A. LOT.

Emotionally, mentally and physically.

& through it all, I really missed him.

Whatever time I get with him has never been enough.

Not even close.

But I know I have to make do with it.

I don't even know if I'll get to meet him this week, or the next, or the next.

But until then, I only have this picture to remind me of how much he's changing.

Truth be told, I miss a lot of people.

I miss my poly friends, the ones whose friendships I've held close to me.

I miss Natasha, the one friend who knows me like the back of her hand.

I miss my social life, the life before I was restricted to my career.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job.

I sure as hell do.

But sometimes, I just want to be free of the women-controlling environment.

During meetings, I always have the urge to scream.

But all I do is grin and bear it.

These women, these old ladies.

Sometimes, I pray that they retire soon.

Hahaha.

I'm starting with my practicum folder, so that I can finish it ASAP.

Wish me lots of luck.

I really wish I had a friend, a real one, at my centre.

All of them already have their own 'cliques', even at their age.

Plus, the language barrier makes it harder for me.

So I keep to myself.

Plus, I learnt the hard way that I can't trust them.

Not all, but a few of them.

Like they always say, where women flock, gossip and backstabbing exist too.

Boy, am I frustrated at this world.

I love how Mayday Parade songs tell a story. :)

Oh can you tell, I haven't slept very well

Since the last time that we spoke

I said, "Please understand I've been drinking again, and all I do is hope"

Please, stay

Please, stay

I'll admit I was wrong about everything 

Cause I'm high and I don't wanna come down 

All the fun that we had on your mother's couch

I don't even wanna think about 

I'm not strong enough for the both of us 

What was I supposed to do 

You know I love you 

Whoa-oh 

Please just stay 

Stay

It has been a crazy October. I fell sick twice in less than two weeks.

Practicum is such a bitch for that.

Thankfully, it's ending in 3 days.

& I'll be back to a study-work schedule.

Which I very much prefer.

Too drained to update on anything though.

Still recovering.

Still recuperating.

Trying to get my energy back.

I miss Ahmad so much.

I haven't seen him since 29 September.

:(

Be strong. For us.

I miss him the minute we separate.

& maybe next week we may not even get to meet 'cause my mum set a massage appointment for me.

& Friday is his birthday. :(:(

I'm having a 38 degree fever.

My head's so heavy.

My eyes feel so hot.

My body feels so weak.

Yet, I have to push on with my practicum drafts.

I'm just almost done.

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to pull through.

But in the end, I always will.

See you in my next post. :)

Somehow in pictures, I always end up next to Benedict. Hahaha, I love that boy, really.

My practicum drafts are seriously killing me. 2 observations each child with a recommended activity to be carried out, I'm seriously up to my neck right now I can just go crazy really soon.

Top it up with the fact that the naughtiest boy in the afternoon Nursery class split my right foot's big toenail into an almost half, I can just die really soon. For your info, today was the second time he stepped on that particular toe and it bled. It freaking bled in 2 freaking directions. Ughhhh. I need to find in-house slippers that cover my whole feet now. Emergency.

See you in my next post, if I even survive until then. :/

One Day

I finally watched the movie, One Day, which has Anne Hathaway as the lead actress and I must say, for the first time, the movie is more interesting than the book. I found the book too descriptive. It's funny and quirky, but too... meh. I can't put my finger down as to what it really is that turns me off from the book. I only continue reading it in the toilet. Ha. Ha. I'm absolutely serious.

Anne Hathaway, with a British accent. She did it pretty well. :)

Anyway, it's Natasha's birthday today. It really sucks that she is currently many, many miles away. So far, we've contacted each other through Whatsapp, and I wished her this morning. I'm hoping to Skype with her really soon. It must be scary to celebrate your birthday alone for the first time in a foreign land. I really hope she will be safe there. But her flatmates seem fine, so she should be okay huh. Sigh. I wish I could go there and see her next year or something. Sigh.

Mum dreamt of Habib Saggaf today. Apparently, he was telling her that she should receive money from me, no matter how little, because I'm working. He said if she doesn't, I won't get the berkat. From the start, I already wanted to give my parents money but my mum refused, because she said I'm not really working. I tried giving her but she pushed me away. Then now that she dreamt of Habib Saggaf, she decided that I should and I was like, "See? I told you." She said she called Ummi Aisyah after she woke up and apparently, Ummi was like, "Ya, memang betul. Kalo kamu ngga terima uangnya Fazlun, dia ngga dapat berkat. Ambil aja uangnya, berapa sedikit pun, ambil." Quoted from le mother. I was thinking like, seriously, my family is so lucky to be close to such people.

& so, Ahmad. He already booked in again today. I miss him the minute he texted me that he was on the way there. This feeling of being left behind, I just can't push it away. :(

I'm dreading the week ahead. Assignment and the practicum draft need to be completed by Friday, I swear I'm not going to procrastinate for this one. I have such a strict supervisor and it sucks so much. :(

Tomorrow's a Monday. Ugh. I'm feeling the blues already. I miss being in class and studying already. Especially with the girls who make lessons so much less dreary.

The picture above kind of describes One Day a little. :)

When my principal gave the envelope that contained the above picture to me on Friday, I was like, yessssssaaaah finally! Yupps, that's my class. The class I am currently attached to, the class that I've grown so fond of, the class that I've bonded with so well that just thinking about them makes me smile and laugh for all the funny, cute moments they've given me. They're so full of life and questions that it makes me miss my own childhood. Now it's up to me to make these children's childhood a memorable one. In school, at least. :)

This was a super last minute plan. I woke up at 9 plus today and just laid back in bed, not wanting to get up when Ahmad texted me, asking if I was awake already. Then he said his bro asked me along to follow them to the Harry Potter exhibition at MBS and I was like, an opportunity! Hahaha. No laaaa. I couldn't spend as long a time as I wanted with Ahmad on Friday after he booked out because suddenly he had to rush home. So, ya. Any chance of spending a little more time with him during this period of time, I'd jump at it. & so, I met them and we went. His brother is so, so, so, so super shy. Yeah, like the older brother when I first met him. :) I felt sad when I had to say goodbye to Ahmad though. 

But! These girls helped to brighten my mood the rest of the day. I had so much fun with them from feasting at Pastamania to criticising The Editor's Market's collection of clothes to trying out all the shoes at New Look to walking from Cineleisure all the way to ION Orchard and deciding to catch the 7.20pm movie at Lido and running all the way to Starbucks to get our drinks and then running to Lido for the movie, only to realise that we had a long queue to consider and the fact that the tickets were out. Total 'Running Man' feel. So we didn't catch any movie and we just sat at the lounge area facing the city lights and well, camwhored. It. Was. HILARIOUS. We laughed so much. I laughed till my stomach hurt so bad. I am gonna miss them throughout the rest of the practicum. :(

Day 8.

I am seriously counting down to the day I can see him again.

This NS shit sucks bigtime.

03.09.2012, 21st Birthday

21st Birthday Pt. 1:

He forgot my birthday :'( But he made up for it, and, very sweetly, at that! I wanted to go shopping at ION so we went there when we met after my class ended. He asked me where Popeyes was, so I assumed we were having that for lunch. Little did I know what was originally on his mind. We bumped into Syazwan and Abu, ex-colleagues of Uniqlo Ion. I talked to them and joked with them, saying that it was my birthday [thick-skinned habes!]. & Syazwan urged me to go Swensens, which was just next door, and I was like, nahh, too expensive. THEN. Le boy was standing in front of le restaurant, smiling and going like, "Makan Swensens." I was like, :O literally. I was like, eh no way, so ex. He freaking grabbed my upper arm and dragged me inside even though I totally dug my heels on the floor to stop him. & Syazwan and Abu were behind me, watching the whole scene. So embarrassing, please! I must say I was pleasantly surprised, even though I was still recovering from the shock of it all throughout the whole time we were sitting there. Why so? Because this would be the first time that we were dining at such a place. It made it all the more...... romantic. :')

We walked around, mostly me, window shopping and shopping. And boy, did we walk! Around Ion we go, well, not really the whole of Ion, just F21. Heh. Headed to Peninsular after that, because he wanted to look for something. We circled the basement a few times before he told me what he wanted. The shop he bought his cajon cover a few months back. -.- Now, you can't say that I have a bad sense of direction. :p Off to Funan after that where we bought a laptop bag for my Mac. Ahmad has very good reasoning skills, like seriously awesome. When he tells me the rationale behind his "recommendation", it'd shut me up straightaway because I'd realize that he is right. After circling Funan, we stopped at the massage chairs where you pay $2 for 8 minutes of massage. We sat together, though it was awkward for me 'cause people were passing by. :/

But the massage truly was awesome. It totally refreshed my back muscles, and I was actually considering buying a massage chair for home. Hahaha. We headed off for Marina Square after Funan, to try our luck to see if Rasydan was working at Ripcurl. He was! I spent a looooong time trying to decide what to buy, but I left the shop, yet again, empty-handed. Mudd said, no surprise, macam biase. Sooo not helping. Headed for Esplanade we were gonna watch Kang Atung perform some kind of Mexican influenced show on the Concourse. Got teased by Amran, the whole time. By the end of the second set, I was worn out already, my feet were hurting like crazy, and I was starting to feel emotional because the end of the day was nearing, which meant my time with Ahmad was soon to be up. I always feel like Cinderella at the ball, ya know. Like when you're enjoying yourself so much, and then suddenly, you have to part soon, and the clock mercilessly counts down to "midnight" for you.

Anywayssss,

He kickstarted my birthday pretty awesomely with tears in my eyes though. Why? Because he sent me a suuuuuuuuuuper long and sweet FB message, partly apologizing for forgetting and the rest of it were the best wishes and well, kinda like a speech. It touched me so deeply. I'm not gonna put up the whole message. Copyrighted, kay! I can only imagine how long it took him to write all that down. Here's the very romantic part:

He's not just more romantic when he speaks in malay, he's more romantic when he doesn't try to. It always catches me off guard, ALL the time.  :')

I'm still peeved that I didn't buy that New Look flower patterned maxi skirt. There was only ONE size 8 left and that's MY size. But it's $49.90.... and only partially lined. But, so niceeeeee!!!! :(:(

Thank you, Ahmad Mustaqim bin Muhammad Abdul Halim, for the most memorable, awesome 21st birthday I could ever ask for. This is the first time we properly celebrated my birthday, and it couldn't have fallen on a better year, our third year together. :3

Date at a restaurant: checked :)

21st Birthday Pt. 2:

When I reached home, the whole house started kecoh. I was wearing my favourite denim jacket and they were talking about getting flour, egg and water all over me. I felt super threatened and was more concerned about my jacket. HAHA. I know. My dad grabbed me and didn't let me go and I was like, hooomygawd don't make it like my 18th. Milestone birthdays can really suck, whenever it comes to this sabotaging stuff. But in the end, they sat me down at the dining table and told me to close my eyes. I totally peeped just to make sure nothing dirty was involved. Tsk. But it was just a huge box-like present which turned out to be a freaking INSTAX 210 that I'd been eyeing since last year! I was like, :O literally. My sis caught that face and instagram-ed it. -_-"

We used the first two films for family shots, in honour of this particular day. For the record, I don't even feel like I'm 21, even though my sis said I had the 21-year-old "glow" already. It's like indirectly saying that I'm old. Hahahaha. But heck, everyone grows old anyway. :)

Simply put, my 21st birthday was awesome. Surrounded by loved ones, and feeling all the love. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah for allowing me to live up till now, and bestowing upon me loving friends and family, and also, a special friend who entered my life and changed me as a whole, and for the better. Despite my shortcomings, Allah has granted me a lot of other things that I've overlooked and for that, I'm truly grateful. :)

Well, I don't even know if anyone still reads this pathetic, rarely updated blog, but, I guess that's all for now. I really love yesterday. Whenever I think about it, I smile so easily. :3:3

Bye, uolls! 

I might make this short, I might not. It all depends.

It's been 3 months since I started my early childhood course, and 2 months since I started being an official assistant teacher at my centre. Everything is going so smoothly right now, though I do feel the occasional fatigue. It's quite tiring, and I only realised it now. But I love what I'm doing. It's like, waking up each morning is such a drag because I just want to continue sleeping like a pig instead of dragging my feet all the way to City Hall. Then, during classes, I'd be either half awake or half asleep, haha. But once I get to the centre and get surrounded by the cute, adorable, sumpah-nak-gigit children, I feel so.... warm and fuzzy inside. When they tell me "Teacher Siti, I love you!" or just Teacher Siti this and Teacher Siti that. When they acknowledge my presence in a certain room, or pass me by along the corridor, or even before/after school when they see me outside the school. When there's always funny moments in the classroom or funny comments made by the children that make me laugh out loud in front of them. They make me so happy, so happy with my job, that it always inspires me to be the best teacher I can be.

There's so much I want to do in this line that I've chosen. My mum actually has plans for me, what I can do once I complete my course, what I can do during the bond and after. But I already planned ahead, earlier than she did. I want to take it one step at a time, because I also do realise that I'm not getting any younger. That by the time I get a degree, I'd have to settle down. Which just reminds me of that one news article I read online last week about the Malays' having higher fertility rate in Singapore. & the people were wondering if it's because Malay men are more romantic. I swear, when I read that particular sentence, I totally laughed out loud. I mean, are you serious? Out of all the possible reasons you can deduce from the statistics, you come up with romanticism? Are you FREAKING serious? HAHAHAHA. I'm laughing again, just typing this.

I've gotta find a romantic Malay guy in order for that assumption to be valid. Well, not that I don't know one anyway. Who so turns out to be romantic when he doesn't even tries to. I loike. ;p

Speaking of which, he will be enlisting soon. Time just passed by too fast, we hardly had time for each other. I was able to see him yesterday though. Gamma Rays played Just The Way You Are and it was.... something new. But it was quite nice. After the show, le boy and me went for dinner and he sent me home! Happee girl!!! :3:3:3

Sometimes, you just can't get enough of someone. Even till now, I just can't believe I have someone so special and good by my side. :') :3

My assignments are back down to 1. I'm submitting it next Monday, InsyaAllah. :)

My headache has not dissipated yet. It's been since Friday! Ugh.

Alrighty then, that's about it. 

Oh and before I forget and before I end off,

SHYME IS FREAKING PREGNANT!!!

Well, we strongly think je. Cause the symptoms are there. Oh wells, tawakal je la. :)

Guess I made this long after all. ;p

I really miss the guy so much. Sigh.

Yesterday was fun.

Although we can never accept her presence,

or look her in the eye anymore,

it was enough that our grandpa could still be there with us.

& what matters most too, is Pak Ucu was there with us too.

I'm happy enough, even if there were other things that pissed me off.

Still, more than enough.

It's okay if you don't acknowledge us as your family anymore.

It's okay that my parents helped you so much and you repay them like this.

I know you've got your punishment, deep down, I know.

But you still haven't realized it.

No matter how angry I am with you, I pray that Allah shows you His path someday.

& I hope you realize your mistakes and make amends with Umie before she decides to never forgive you forever. :(

Finally got my hands on the only picture I took with my students.

I was so busy that day that I couldn't even find the time to snap a picture with my students.

& this was coincidental because Benedict's mummy wanted him to take a picture with me.

He's really adorable. :)

I seriously love what I'm doing now.

I just want to be better at it.

Better strategies, better classroom management.

I've done extensive research on how to achieve that.

But theory is a completely different thing from practice.

I'll slowly be better at this, InsyaAllah. :)

So I went for a checkup today, and it turns out everything is...

Pretty much about the same?

Everytime I'm there, I just can hardly believe it.

Because, sigh.

I don't even wanna talk about it.

& even though I know that everything is pretty much okay,

I was thrown into a bad mood the rest of the day.

It was a lucky thing that I had no choice but to skip the GNK iftar.

Else, I'd be showing everyone else my bad side.

& even though I seriously want to say, "F*ck everything",

I keep telling myself to stay strong.

Because everything that happened, has a reason.

Had a reason.

I miss Ahmad so much right now.

On a side note, I stumbled upon this singer I'd always had a huge crush on back when he was in Click Five. Mr. Eric Dill.

He looks a thousand times better now after ditching that old skool kind of haircut.

Which fit him too back then, I must admit.

But now, he looks even sexier.

Somehow, a little emo looking.

Sexy. That's it.

& this particular song has been on repeat since last night.

I just....

Sigh.

Continue my assignment.

3 years ago, we met. We were in the same class. As simple as that. I barely noticed you, but you told me you noticed me the first time you saw me. I wonder, and I still do until now, what was so special about me. & I wonder, how I got so lucky to even be noticed when I am just.... me.

3 years ago, we were just freshies in RP. You were the 'loner' in class, and I was the.... well, in the malay girls clique, rather. But we malays formed one clique. & that was the start of everything, I guess.

3 years ago, Syai was the closest guy friend I had in class. He was that sunshine in the class. You and me, we were nothing to each other. I never even noticed you, all I saw was you, that quiet guy in class, who rarely speaks a word. I leave you alone because you never bothered me in any way, or at least, the way Syai did.

3 years ago, there was the H1N1 outbreak. We were home quarantined because a classmate contracted it. & that was really the start of everything.

I started to notice you.

Your humour.

Your voice.

Your identity.

3 years ago, after the e-learning period ended, we were back to square one. BUT. I had already begun to notice you. I probably stalked you too. I developed funny feelings for you, feelings that until now, I still have.

3 years ago, I don't know how Syai found out about my crush on you. Maybe because of the random question he asked in the middle of the night. But, he was a pain in the ass the whole time he knew. He assisted you. He gave you my number, and you sent me that lame, lame, super duper lame text message and I remember every single exact word till now. Something started then.

3 years ago, that one week where we got to know each other, that one week when Syai obviously encouraged you to 'pursue' me, that one week when pretty little Maisarah Kamal spilled the beans, was the one week I'd always remember. Looking back now, it was funny, so so funny, but yet, it was quite a dramatic week.

3 years ago, it was beautiful.

3 years later, it still is beautiful.

& in these 3 years, we have grown tremendously. We have gone through many shits together. We stayed strong when we had oceans between us. We fought through emotional storms together. But, we were there for each other. Always. Even when we couldn't, we still tried our best to.

3 years later, we graduated together. Well, on separate days though, but it still counts!

These 3 years with you, it's just amazing. Simply amazing. Though we had our ups and downs, especially what I put you through emotionally sometimes, with regards to my health and... stuff, I'm still always surprised that you choose to stay put. All the times you could have walked away, you stayed. Maybe any other guy would have walked away. But you. You surprise me all the time. & I can't thank you enough for that. For once, someone has accepted me for me, and my flaws.

What can I say now? I'm at a loss for words. 3 years. Time flies so fast. It feels like just yesterday that we were in class playing Blind Man with Syai and the rest.

3 years.

36 months.

Like, WOW.

So, thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me and on us. Every emotional storm we go through, you always take time out to think through everything calmly, but at the end of the day, you will always be there for me. So, thank you. Thank you so much for everything and for the love you've showered upon me the past 3 years. I love you. :3

I'm lucky to have found someone I can be silly with. :)

The past few days had been tough on us after a little burst of emotion sparked off some confusion between us. I wasn't sure what happened but I guess the distance that's growing between us ever since I started my course, was taking its toll on our relationship. We miss each other a lot, actually, but because we're each busy with our own matters and jobs, meeting up becomes really, really hard to do.

I was really emotional, trust me. I couldn't concentrate in class but when I'm around the children, they make me forget everything that's bothering me. It's like, the children were a temporary cure for me, and after dismissal, I'd go right back to my emotional state.

But we cleared everything up. Just like we always do. I was so terrified, I really was. Because recently, or rather, this whole year, people I know have been losing their partners over stupid things. & I was really blaming myself for the distance between us right now. I was afraid it'll affect us, somehow.

I guess, this is really a test for us, whether we can overcome this together. I'm just afraid that we're not strong enough for that. It scares me that much. :(

I know I'm willing to do anything to make this work. He means that much to me. :)

On a side note, my K1s have exactly 2 more days to practice their National Day dance before the actual celebration day comes. I am so going to take pictures of them. I actually sought help from a GNK junior recently, Ahmad Piano, to help me play the song on piano but it turned out too soft and less energetic. I guess we'll just have to risk the amplifiers booming out the song on that day. :/ Nevertheless, I am still proud of the K1s, more to the afternoon session because I practise with them all the time so they're quite tight with the dance movements. Just cannot wait for that long weekend though. Heh. :)

I guess this is about it. On Mondays, my energy level will be like, 100%. But by the time Friday rolls in, I'll be at like, 9%. It's a vicious cycle all over again. This, for the rest of my life? For the sake of working with children, I am willing. For the sake of my future, I am willing. Remembering Mr Arthur Tan's words: One year of sacrifice for the next 50 years.

It will be worth it. :)

Finally opened up my hard disk to check the contents.

All the files and pictures are all jumbled up.

& I found this cute picture.

This was before he went to Sydney.

Slim river sia the bodeh. Heh.

I'll do a proper update later tonight or something.

Wanna sort out my hard disk first.

Later peeps.