Need You Now

I seriously feel shitty right now.

Physically to emotionally to mentally.

I know crying doesn't help but it's all I feel like doing lately.

I'm sure you'll do just fine without me.

Maybe even I saw this coming.

All people are doing lately is hurt each other.

Last night was the worse of all and up till now, I still can't believe it.

I am so not in the best of moods this week to entertain this bullshit.

Its a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now

I'm not good enough.

Neither will I be for anyone else.

Maybe, just maybe, I've begun to accept my fate.

I surprised myself this morning.

:)

My maid was right.

Instead of reading stupid novels, I should just read books about religion.

At least I learn something useful that could benefit me.

:)

Well, school's been fine.

& Syaiful Amiril Bin Haj Mohamad dropped by today.

I. WAS. SO. DAMN. HAPPY.

Macam do'a terkabul ah. HAHAHAHA!

Thank you, Syai.

I'll always pray that you'll find the courage to move on.

:)

I get pissed off easily lately.

I hate this crap, man.

Well, you know, whatever.

It was a very solemn visit as everyone personally knew him. And everyone cried. When I say everyone, I meant every single one of us shed tears. I cried because when I was staring at the turban or whatever you call the white 'songkok', I remembered the dream I had of him. :(

Anyway, it was a good trip. The whole of yesterday, we went to 3 makams. This makam, Habib Husein and Habib Kuncung. As for the wedding, it was beyond gerek. Damn happening. You know how it is here for a malay wedding. Malay songs, malay karaoke and stuff. But there, the songs were all in Arabic, and there was a live band! Then the singers would invite some of the audience to come on-stage to dance. & its like, Arabian dance eh. Gelek pantat to the side, side, side. & the guys would dance in circles. I was actually like, what the heck? But it's how they dance in Arab. So I was like, cool sia this wedding.

I admire Ummi Aisyah's daughters. They're married off to some random stranger and yet, they can accept that fact. Maybe it's because their father chose their partners so they could trust his judgement. But imagine being married off to a man you've never met before. You don't know what kind of person he is, if he's nice, his personality and stuff like that. And you're about to spend the rest of your life with him. When I was sitting in the pengantin room with Fidtriah (she was very pretty, by the way), it was so obvious that she was nervous. But about 2 hours later, after the nikah, when I dropped by the room, they were both talking to each other like long lost friends. I was like, awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, getting to know each other. So romantic! :p

Going to Indonesia once in a while is a good eye-opener for us. It reminds us to appreciate what we already have and to be grateful for the better life that we have. Yesterday, little children crowded around us with their palms up, begging for money. Some got their money, and the ones that didn't get, chased after us. Even when we're driving away in the car, they chased after the car. It's so heart-breaking. The poverty here is terrible. These children should be in school, yet they have to beg. When I look at the babies that mothers carry, I couldn't help wondering if their future meant having to be like the children too, beg. It's just so heart-breaking.

Anyway, I found this:

I cried when I read the description though. We spent a short 3 days with him last year. & it was an unforgettable experience. We were lucky that we got the chance to spend some time with him. He's such a good person. :)

Semua masok rumah je teros pengsan atas katil. Baikkkkkkk.

Suara Bali

Mazlan dancing for Cecenangan

Dewi dancing for Usha

Mbak Elly, who danced for Pendet

Farah hit every gong. :p

The inseparable boys: Fahmi, Jason and Renaldo

& Nadia! :D

I don't know why but I feel like the show ended too quickly. We worked pretty hard for 3 months and bam! It's over. My cues for the gong in between songs were perfect for the second, third and fourth show. I pretty much screwed the first one. HAHA. But well, at least the others were fine.

Pendet was awesome! This was the most difficult song for gong, because I had to count, like really count. & sometimes, Niky at the Ugal would look at me and I'll be like, "Okay, that would mean the 16th beat and...(pul)." But that was helpful, so I have her to thank. :p But really, I only figured out the transition for Pendet at the last minute so this song was my major achievement out of all 7 songs.

Godek Miring was perfect, simply put. Heh. As for Topeng Keras and Topeng Dalem, playing the Pengecah next to Mei Yin has always been awesome. We even sempat to low-five each other before we started Topeng Dalem when the lights were dim. Hahahaha. It's so funny to sit next to her in front of the mirror in the dressing room because she's so goddamn funny and random sometimes.

Cecenangan was almost perfect, sadly. I couldn't nail the first transition perfectly, but I always nail the transition before the last part. & whenever I do, Niky who'll be at the Reong, will grin so widely at me. & I'll grin widely too, because it's this amazing feeling. This transition part was actually figured out at the last minute too. I don't know why but I'm lucky I could figure it out before the show. Honestly, Cecenangan was a fun song at the gong because I twist and turn to hit the "male" and "female" gong and the kempul. (Y)

Usha was beautiful, and always will be. I was shocked when Pak Alit came to me one day and said, "Can you play Usha? It's a new piece." I was like, whooaaaaaaaa. Kembang lah skejap. & Isaac, who wasn't originally supposed to play Pengecah with me, got chosen too because he happened to be sitting next to me and copying B. HAHAHA!! There was one part during the song where Isaac and me had to interlock, and he had to start the first note. So we'll be smiling/laughing at each other when we play because the song was very fast, and he was trying to chase after my notes. Hilarious.

I love this whole experience with Balinese gamelan. It's been an amazing time with all the people who made this production possible. From fooling around in the dressing rooms, to eating 8 boxes of pizza together, to forming a circle and holding hands in prayer, to sitting in the corridor just joking and gossiping (the guys can really gossip like girls), to endless laughter the whole time. I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to be part of this production. & I cannot thank Pak Alit ENOUGH for his endless patience in me playing the gong. I just cannot thank him enough, even though he praised my gong skill during the show. I managed to get a picture with him though, for memory's sake, even though the picture quality wasn't really that good. Still, it's better than nothing.

I've never played gong this passionately for Javanese gamelan. This really stuns me. When I watched the video, I could see myself swaying to the music. & I seemed to have so much fun hitting the gongs, which is amazing, really. Mei Yin was right, you gotta feel it. & I did for all 4 shows. :D:D:D

I have a backache right now. I think it's worth 3 months of the rehearsals. Hahaha. But I'm not gonna complain because it was worth it.

& you know what? Before I left the dressing room last night, Mei Yin said this,

"Oh, and Fazlun, I have good news for you. You are now a member of Gamelan Singamurti."

I was like, "Are you serious? Wait, you're joking right?" And she was like, "Am I joking? No, I'm not joking. Niky, am I joking?" & I heard Niky say no. I was like, thank you thank you thank you!!! :D:D

I am so happy. Balinese = LOVE.

I'm gonna sleep like a pig again tomorrow. I feel so tired all of a sudden, even though I slept for more than 8 hours.

Off to Jakarta this Thursday evening. Gonna visit some makam(s) and hopefully, I'll find some peace in my heart and answers as well. :)

One In A Million

It's actually the 31th of March when I'm writing this. I had a feeling that I would be too busy to actually come online during the show week so I decided to do what I did when I had to go to Indonesia that time. (God, that feels like years ago. :/) My two little sisters are actually singing Baby to the iTouch right now, LOL.

Anyway, what would the monthsary be again? If this month was 19th, then April would be 20th, right? Yesssss, how time flies! :p

Well, by the time this gets posted, it'll be 2 more days before you finally board the plane to head back to your homeland, huh? & by then, the show would be over. I'll probably be home sleeping, pancit already. HAHA. But well, I just wanted to post this so that at least it shows that I remembered before the actual date and also in case I forgot again. :p

Okay, to the point:

Thank you for all these amazing months, with you and away from you, it's still the same. My feelings have never changed a single bit. You've been there for me, and you've tried to be there for me whenever you can. I just want you to know that I really appreciate it, whatever you've done and have tried to do for me. Your advices, especially in Ustaz mode, have never failed to wake me up and make me realize that whatever happens in life "has already been written 50, 000 years ago". I'll try to always remember that. :p Being with you has taught me so much things that I can't even list down, because there's just too many. You make people want to be a better person. :) Happy 20th. ♥♥♥

Baby you're so one in a million, you are

Baby you're the best I ever had

And I'm certain that

There ain't nothing better

No, there ain't nothing better than this

I just came back from Emily Hill. Pendet still stresses the hell outta me, to the point where I recorded the whole song and listened to it while on the way home. & then I got pissed with the song and stopped, and continued reading the book I'm currently reading. It's called, Some Girls Are. Pretty bitchy storyline. Pretty much fits what I faced in my later secondary school days. But this story is a little too extreme and violent, so I guess what I faced then was a little mild.

I'm not sure if I've forgiven them. Sometimes, I ask myself that. But I don't really know the answer. Sure, I wonder how they're doing and all that, but sometimes I wonder, have they had a taste of their own medicine? Like I've said before, I've always believed that people can do whatever bad things they want to you, but you should leave it to God to punish them. That was what I did back then. I suffered in silence, relished the small, good things, but deep inside, it hurt so much. But nobody knew that because I never said a word. I forced a smile everyday, and I believed that someday, they'll be punished for what they did to me. And then I found this book. This book that matched everything I felt at that point of time, even though the content is different.

Now, having the friends I've had and learning from them and everything, I wish I could turn back the time and stood up for myself. I wish I hadn't cowered in a little corner by myself, just because they thought I was too.... I don't know. Up till now, I never understood why they did that. Why there was a need to even do what they did. I mean, we're all the same. We're humans. We're not perfect. We make mistakes. We do something wrong, and people get angry with us. Yet, sometimes, some things may be beyond our control. I wish they could have understood that. But hey, we were all almost 16 back then.

When I read this book, especially at the sadder parts, it awakened all the feelings that I kept in a corner. The hate, the tears I wasted, the pain. Did I deserve that back then? What did I do then that had made me have to go through that alone? Even though 4 years have passed, the pain is still fresh in me, as though it happened minutes ago. I could remember every detail still, every word, every action, and all that were like stabbing my chest with a sword and slowly pulling it out.

& you. Up until now, I don't know if I've fully forgiven you. I mean, yeah, we meet up sometimes, and do stuff and all that shit, but I really don't know if I'm doing that because I want to or because I should. Sometimes, I chase all these thoughts to the back of my mind because I hate making trouble and causing problems. But then, when I'm alone, and my thoughts fall on you, I wonder again and again why I'm still thinking all these, what you did to me, why you chose them over me, why I was just nothing to you when we had everything. The past is the past, but the past haunts me. Because it's the reason I am the person I am today.

Only people who've known betrayal would understand how I feel. I still cry sometimes when I remember the events that happened back then. I don't know why I do, because it's so long ago. I've pushed those bad memories so far back, but somehow, they find a way to creep back to my mind and I have to relive them.

I've never wished ill on them for what they did. But I hope that, should the same thing happen to them one day, I hope they'll remember me and what they did.

I don't know why I'm saying all these but I just really need to get this off my chest. A lot of things are happening lately and I can't even talk about it here. So when I was walking home earlier and my mind was actually reliving my worst secondary school days, it totally made me snap.

I think I'm just too tired.

I think Suara Bali is going to be a great, awesome performance. Just as long as I remember not to stare at Pak Alit's hands when he's drumming. Because the gongs are directly behind the drums, I can see his hands drumming. I always zone out when I see his forearm muscles, whatever you call them. I don't know why but when he drums, it's just so awesome, I was so awestruck the first time I noticed. & they had a drum interlocking practice session yesterday, it was supermassively awesome. It's like, mind-blasting!! Before this, I've never had a strong thing for drums even though I depended on them for the major gong cues. But after watching Pak Alit play, I think I fell in love with the Balinese drums. :p

Oh my, it's 1.04 am already. Gonna go get some sleep!

P.S Ahmad! Bring back some kebab la! :p