Well, how should I describe 1st Syawal? Emotional. & not only that, it was like deja vu. Exactly like last 1st Syawal. Someone was on her deathbed. The day went well at first, I swear. I was just about to begin having fun. Until we saw Little Miss Pink in Tok Bak's house entering the bedroom when we arrived. When I saw her pretty little not-a-hair-out-of-place head entering my granddad's bedroom, I knew immediately that nothing had changed and that I was right. She forgot about all the good things we've done for her in the midst of pursuing her happiness. Which probably isn't anymore seeing how her ang moh husband wasn't around with her. But I can't just anyhow assume so I shall not say anything about that part. But even though I hated her for being such a coward to run away the minute we arrived, deep inside, I wanted to go in that room to say, "Hi, Mama, I missed you." I really wanted to do that. So when Ayah Long and Uncle Yoyo's family were done with eating, we set off for the hospital where my great-grandma was in critical condition. My sis and me were actually near the kitchen, contemplating whether or not we should enter the room and say hi. Unfortunately, I think it's the power of "Mothers Know Best" that made my mother yell for our names and we had to get out of the house. But our brilliant maid came up with the idea for us to go back inside with an excuse that we need to use the toilet. So well, it worked, but just not the way we wanted. Little Miss Pink was in the living room talking to grandpa's wife and her back was towards us. So we waited a while for her to finish but she never did, as though it was on purpose. Then she walked away, without even acknowledging us. As though we were invisible.

I cried in the car. I pretended to sleep but the tears were sliding down my face. I was asking myself if we, the nieces, actually deserved this. The feud is between the adults, but why are the children affected too? What did we do wrong to deserve this? Every house we went, she was there, but she never approached us, never looked at us. She talked to the other aunts and uncles, but not my parents.

We went to St.Luke Hospital for a while. & it was there that I remembered Angah so vividly. It was exactly the same like last year on 1st Syawal. The adults were crowded around the bed, and me and sis and maid were sitting to one side, just watching. Then after a short discussion with them, I decided to go greet moyang. So I went. I wish I could say I regret going to see her because the image has been stuck in my mind ever since then, but I can't. Her hands were cold, her mouth and tongue were so dry, and she took breath by breath so difficultly. I held her thumb cause her fingers were bandaged for some reason. I watched her take breath after breath and I was reminded of Angah. She was fine hours before she passed away. & then suddenly, she did. I guess for nenek moyang, she had always been healthy cause she had the saka in her. But her health deteriorated ever since they took out the saka. Ohwells.

After the house after the hospital, Ucu called. He greeted, "Hello? Boleh saye cakap dengan Cik Fazlun?" Just that line made me smile so huge. I was so happy to hear from him again. To make a long story short, we picked his family up on the way to Ayah Long's house. & there, for the first time, 4 families were reunited after a decade of being apart. Although it wasn't the complete picture that I always hoped for, at least it was something. Having him back meant the whole world to me.

I wanted more pictures with them, but they promised to come by our place.

This guy is annoying, but he is what lights up the gathering.

I watched Little Miss Pink acknowledge our other cousins, saying stuff like "Wah you've grown up already!" and whatever shit, and me and sis were at the corner, just watching and feeling hurt. Is that alright at all? No, it's not. It hurts. I wish I had the guts to pour out everything I feel straight to her face, but I don't have the heart to. Maybe my sis is right. She's still family, no matter what she's done. I'll just have to stand by what my maid told us: "Orang yang dekat dengan Allah adalah orang yang selalu make the first move." We tried to approach her, but she avoided us. So I guess that speaks for itself, huh?

I cried myself to sleep last night, right after AzroyBoy and family left and my sis was already asleep. I never knew that even family could turn into strangers.

There is a reason for everything that happens, I guess. :) I hope everyone's having a blast. I hope I soon will too, as long as I get over this. GNK next week taking the lorry around. I'm looking forward to that. :D

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI

Ramadhan came, and now, it's gone.

For some, they rejoice, for some, they wonder.

Will I see Ramadhan again next year?

From now on, every 1st Syawal, I will remember the day Angah had a fit and we all thought she was going to die. She acted just like it, salam-ing everyone and saying goodbye. Tomorrow will be the first year anniversary. I remember the events that happened that day as though it just happened yesterday. I cried oceans that day. I was so afraid. But it turned out she just lacked oxygen. Unfortunately, 2 months later, she really went. But I guess everything happens for a reason. When she passed away, she was finally put out of her misery.

Here's the first Aidilfitri without her. How time flies. She was very brave and strong throughout her cancer. I've never experienced the loss of a loved one like this. & I've been feeling this low since yesterday, when I remembered how we used to stay over at her house and spend the day playing Barbie in her spare room. Her house used to smell so nice. The crikcrik of her squeaky wheels wheelchair that used to always echo in our house last Ramadhan. I'm tearing up just typing this out.

It's amazing how one moment you could be alive and kicking. But yet, you don't know if you'll even be alive the next moment. Life is that short. Allah will just take you away without any warning.

Well, I'm sure all the Muslims out there are rejoicing on being able to eat in the afternoons now. Haha. So anyway...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my Muslim friends! Mohon maaf zahir dan batin.. If I've ever done you wrong, please accept my sincerest apologies. Love, Faz.

He looks like a kangaroo, doesn't he? Habib has so many types of sleeping positions. & he loves to perch over edges where his front paws will be hanging. So cute! :D We're bathing the two kitties this weekend, so that they'll smell fresh for Raya. Hehe. Been working hard for my share of the kuih raya. Sucks when you only have 2 ovens in the kitchen and Mommy needs to use both to make Kuih Lapis. I can't make my second batch of Honey Cornflakes, Cornflake Macarons and Swedish Thumbprints. Tsk. Have to wait till Saturday.

I foresee lots of drama during Raya because some kind of drama is on its way into the family right now. Wonder if Snow White and Dwarf would be showing up for Raya with us. I doubt it, but I'm hopeful. Even though I know I'll be let down, just like all the previous years, I'm still hopeful. So anyway, this drama, is really something. I was thinking, about time it happened. But well, who am I to say anything? It's the adults' problems so let's just leave it to them, shall we?

It's 11.11am now and I'm in school starting to revise on a 4.30pm paper. Awesome right? But well, I really need this time alone to study. I can NEVER study in peace at home. So, wish me luck 'cause it's the final paper! :D

This weekend is gonna be chaotic, I swear. With the kuih waiting to be picked up by various people, and last minute shopping at IKEA and for Raya. I wanna buy new brooch but I dunno where's nice! I saw one brooch at Arab Street that was so freaking lovely but guess the price? $67!!! Heart attack sia. So ex for just a brooch with little diamonds all over! But what's scary is Mum spending $555.10 on herself, me and my maid. 9 tudungs, 1 baju butterfly and 2 long dresses. Seriously, when she spends, she goes all out. But that's only when my dad's not beside her to watch over her spending. HAHA!

Alrighty, gotta go. Sucks to be alone in the library. Pfft.

Friday's buka with Haz. Been a while since I had girl time with her.

Will miss her once she's off for attachment.

Good luck with the working shifts, babe! You'll need it. :p

Even after some reflection time alone, I still can't come to terms with it.

I guess I'll just have to take it day by day.

She's pretty. How can I ever measure up?

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm doing this.

But I guess this is just part of being a girl.

Someone out there is always better.

That is the sad reality.

:(:(:(

The fact that until now, I still cry because of you when I think about what happened between us. I know I should let it go, everything you said that hurt others, hurt me, and hurt us. I know that you destroyed us with your own hands, but I can't help thinking that part of it was my fault. If I'd handled the situation better. If. Now it's too late.

& you. Keep coming into my dreams. This is the fourth time. & each time you appear, I keep apologizing to you. Is this the sign I asked for to make things better? Or is this a warning to tell me that I shouldn't try to make things better because the outcome would be the same as in those dreams; you run away each time.

A couple of days back, I was reflecting on the past few months. Things that just happened too fast, words that were written and said in anger, disappointment. Major disappointments.

I care. I've always cared. I just hate it when I'm betrayed. So many times. But even then, I still care. Like I do now, and yet, no one knows.

I pray for strength to move on, and to forgive myself.

I know exactly what my sister would say if I brought up this topic to her. She's family.

Here's my rebuttal: Has she acted like she's family? Where was she when her sister was on her deathbed? Where was she when her kids needed a mother, even though it's an abusive one? Where was she when my own mother needed her sisters to support her, especially through the ordeal that my mother went through last year? Our parents have always helped her, have always been there for her through everything she went through. & how did she repay them? Fitnah.

Yeah, forgive and forget. Oh, I have forgiven. You don't know how many tears I've spilled for this stupid family. Wishing that things would change for the better, begging for those who left to return. The puzzle pieces have been joined back together, but they're not fitted, they're just loosely apart.

Her coming back is not going to change anything. Her ego is too big to come to my doorstep to beg for forgiveness from my parents. This Raya, is something I'm looking forward to, but not for the reason everyone has. I'm just gonna wait and see what happens.

Sorry, just needed to rant. My eyesight right now is blurry like eff and I'm annoyed to the max that I don't have my eye refreshers with me. Probably will partial. Will see how.

Well, nothing much to say except that it's over. Sure, I enjoyed their company, and I learnt so much from all three of them. Yup, I learnt from Soleh too. As annoying as he can be, when he's serious, he's serious for real.

Anyway, they all went home today. After they salam-ed all of us, Ustaz Khafidin and Ustaz Romoh entered the gates first. I was the last person Soleh salam-ed, and then he went to the police at the gate. The guy held out his hand to check Soleh's passport and omg, Soleh actually salam-ed the guy. Hilarious to the max. OMG. HAHAHAHA!

But hey, it's over. It was fun the last two weeks, but I'm really glad it's over. :D

Anyway, finally gave Ahmad Mustaqim his little jar of hearts today. :p

Ever since Soleh and the 2 Ustaz arrived in SG, and because of Ramadhan being here already, I've been too busy and tired to update my blog. :( But, Syukur Alhamdulillah that I meet yet again another month of Ramadhan. Last year, we spent it taking care of arwah Angah and as I look back, I really miss those times. Sure, it made the family more stressed, especially when one sister was too selfish, but it only taught us lessons about patience and the importance of family. I admire my mum for being the strongest woman she was during that whole period. :)

Anyway, having Soleh around has been nothing but hilarious. He insisted to learn English and in exchange, he taught me Jawa. So far, he got words like Smile (It was 'smell' at first. LOL!!), Thank you, See you tomorrow, Excuse me (Exchuse me!!!) and some basic others. Quite good progress so far. BUT! He hasn't gotten the numbers in English correct yet. He says it 'one two three four fev action' and I dunno what else. -.-

And me! I got the numbers in bahasa Jawa already! Hohoho.

Siji, loro, terlu, papat, limo, enam, bitu, walu, songoh, sepuluh! Yayyyy!!!!!

Anyway, I brought Soleh to Balinese rehearsal last Saturday. The night before, he didn't believe my maid when she told him that I play Gamelan. He said that Gamelan untuk orang desa. So when we were there, he said to me, "Aku suka." LOOOLLL. Maybe because in Semarang, the gamelan there only plays Javanese styles. It was his first time seeing and listening to Balinese Gamelan. & Amran was so friendly to him. I was thankful for that cause that day was the first time I talked to Soleh so I didn't really know what to say and me and Mirah were pretty awkward, and there was this HUGE language barrier that day. HAHAHA! After Balinese, we went to pray at Masjid Angulia where Cik Jal picked us up afterward to bring Soleh sight-seeing. &....we ended up here.

VIVOCITY!!! Dinner at Harbourfront's Pizza Hut first and then window-shopping around Vivo. I even managed to buy a pair of sandals at F21. :p By then, we'd already warmed up to him, and he was starting to show his annoying side. Haha. His annoying side fully showed up the next day by the way, when we went to the Zoo. -.- Suuuuuperrr annoying. & when I showed that I was irritated, he would say, "Senyum," and I can't help but smile. HAHA! Contradicting, right?

Anyway, despite it being the first week of Ramadhan, I've had my patience really tested the past two days. I don't really want to talk about it because for me, it's over. The other party changed their mind, and didn't want to discuss it so I blew up and threw everything at them. I hope they get the hint now, why I behaved like this the past few months.

Sigh. Just my luck hmm? Well, I shall go now. Happy fasting to all Muslims! :):):)