Under extreme stress right now.

Wish I was there instead.

You don't get this kind of scenery in SG.

Beside You

Salam all!

Hope you've been well (if I still have readers)....

The year is almost coming to an end.

How fast time flies.

Our wedding will be at the end of the year.

But don't know which year yet.

HAHAHAHA.

Lame joke, I know. :3

Just wanna take a moment to appreciate this guy.

Distance sucks, and we're still in the same country.

Busy people, busy schedules.

But we make do with whatever time we have and that's what I love about us.

Words are not enough to express how much he means to me.

There is no way I can even begin to tell you how important this guy is to me.

And as we move on to a new year, with even more busy schedules (because adulthood sucks like that), I hope we'll make it through it all.

It's been what? 6 years 4 months since it all started.

 And that's honestly a very long time.

(I'm still secretly wondering when he'll get tired of me.)

But even though it's been 6 years plus, he still makes my heart pound harder.

Still gives me butterflies in my stomach.

After such a long time, I still feel the same way, maybe even more now, for him.

It always amazes me.

*heart eyes*

I'll come back again to post about my Phuket trip. 

Maybe on a night where I don't have work the next day.

Cause all my weeknights are dedicated to:

- cutting

- laminating

- designing/planning things to print

I know.

Pretty much consumed by my job.

But, I still feel some satisfaction at the end of the day.

(The boyfriend painted my classroom for me today btw thanks baby :3)

I cannot believe next week is the last week of the holidays.

How did time pass by so freaking fast?!

I'm not sure I'm ready for the new school year yet.

Apparently still have the same afternoon student who gave me loads of hell this year. :(

Until here.

I'll post about Phuket soon, InsyaAllah.

When we both fall asleep underneath the same sky

To the beat of our hearts at the same time

So close but so far away

When we both wake up underneath the same sun

Time stops, I wish that I could rewind

So close but so far away

Fix You

& just like that, he returned to Allah.

It's surreal how that same morning I was taking care of him and he left us in the late afternoon.

How strong my parents have been throughout this whole month.

Sacrificing so much for him.

How my mother pulled herself together after breaking down when he drew his last breath.

How my dad supported her throughout.

You learn a lot about your family (and extended family) when a loved one gets critically ill.

My parents and sisters, we've done our part, the best we could.

No matter how helpless I used to feel, I hope my part was enough to show that I cared about him.

It was a 2 month battle since the onset.

I miss him already and it's only been 2 days.

How I healed from Angah's demise, I'm not sure.

But whatever I did, I hope I can do the same because it's all I can do not to cry overtime I think about him.

Until here.
I know it'll get better.
We grieve, and we move on because we have to.
The only way is forward.
:)

When you try your best but you don't succeed 

When you get what you want but not what you need 

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 

Stuck in reverse 

When the tears come streaming down your face 

When you lose something you can't replace 

When you love someone but it goes to waste 

Could it be worse?

Salam!

I know it's been a while since the last proper post. Let's steer away from the emotional roller coaster that is my life at the moment and talk about the above because everyone needs a breather from stressed times. :)

Watched Wandali with my family + Nafisah & Shahrul last night and it was mind blasting! The energy that continued building throughout the entire show, the combination of the 3 types of Gamelan and the powerful energy from the performers themselves. Yeah, my boyfriend was one of them up there and he still amazes me with his drumming skills. *inserts heart eyes* I've been so attuned to his Javanese drumming and used to watch him from my position at the gongs. It's been so long and I can't even remember the last time I touched the Javanese gongs. Seeing them last night brought back too many memories. :O

Anywaysssss, mandatory ticket shot below!

Favourite part of the show just cause it's Rampak.

I felt so happy watching this!

It's been a while since we had a nice couple shot like this.

& one that he smiles properly for.

I really miss this guy.

 We deserved to watch this show after such a hectic and tiring 2 weeks. Well, not me exactly but my parents and sisters. They were the ones who helped with my grandpa more than I did. By the time I came home from work, they were changing shifts with each other and I only helped out with whatever they needed passing on with or just cleaning the house because they just didn't have time to.

I need to talk to someone about this. All this penned up feelings, this helplessness. They told me it's not my fault but, no matter how hard I try, I just feel like he doesn't want me there because I can't help him enough.

I guess that's it. Till next time, InsyaAllah.

He was supposed to come home to our house today.

He was supposed to be discharged today, to come into our care at home.

I guess Allah has a different plan for our family's cobaan(s).

Once again, we are seeing each other's true colours.

Just like we did during arwah Angah's time with breast cancer.

But that's okay.

This family up there will always and definitely be here for him.

Our prayers for him will never stop.

I've never tried so hard to be strong since Angah's cancer.

But this breaks my heart.

As I stared at his weak body on that bed, his quivering lips and trembling fingers, 

it was all I could do to hold back the tears.

I even had to whisper to myself "Be strong, you can do this." 

because Aunty Yoyo was there.

I only started crying as I walked from the hospital to Simei MRT.

The surgery successfully removed the cancerous part of his colon.

But they also discovered that the cancer had spread to different parts of his lungs.

And there's nothing the doctors can do for him.

After this 24 hours observation in SICU, he'll be undergoing chemotherapy.

The doctor says he has to try chemo.

After watching Angah go through chemo, I'm worried for him because I'm not sure if he can take it because of his age.

I'm praying hard for him.

We all are.

I can't lose hope that he'll be okay.

Save You

Salam....

Despite knowing that all life ends and returns to Allah, here I am still feeling terrified to lose the only grandparent I have left. My childhood with him was stripped away by the one person I know deep down that I'd never be able to truly forgive, especially not after finding out what she did that brought him to the condition he is in right now.

The hurricane of emotions I've been feeling since I found out never left. Each time I think about him, how he looked on the hospital bed, me clutching his hand as though I could hang on to his life for him, watching him sigh and moan as he moved to find a comfortable position on his bed because his stomach hurts, all these bring tears to my eyes I just can't stop.

I've always prayed that no one else I know besides my late aunt would have cancer. It's a horrible disease that not only slowly kills the ill one, but the people who love them too. It hurts to watch your loved ones wither away and now I have to watch another. It just had to be the one I lost many years of childhood with.

The operation to remove like, 30%, of his colon is tomorrow. Praying so hard tonight that he'll be okay after that. I've gotta have faith. I'm just trying to be as optimistic as I can. I knew someday he'll go, but I wasn't ready for it to be cancer again. But I know it's all already written in our fates.

Till then, I pray for strength, just lots of strength and faith to brave through this again. I know I'm much stronger since Angah but I know this will break me more than Angah did. I grew up with him around and suddenly one day, he disappeared from my life, only to reappear again 7 years later. Everything changed after that, nothing was ever the same because of her. It will always be her fault. How cruel she had been to him behind our backs.

I know I won't be able to focus on work tomorrow because of the op but I have to remember to keep my emotions in check with the kids.

I might update more just so I can dump my feelings here. Too much going on, too much bottled up. Luckily, when I'm at work, my mind is taken off this matter because the kids make me forget everything else, especially when they make me laugh. So much love for the morning class.

I have to tell him I love him the next time I get to see him.

When I hear your voice 

It's drowning in a whisper 

It's just skin and bones 

There's nothing left to take 

And no matter what I do 

I can't make you feel better 

If only I could find the answer 

To help me understand 

Sometimes I wish I could save you 

And there're so many things that I want you to know 

I wont give up till it's over 

If it takes you forever I want you to know

2012

2015

HAVE I CHANGED OVER THE YEARS?

HAHAHAHAHA.

Broken Pieces

The past more than half a year, I wonder how I survived.

I never thought you would leave without a trace.

I never thought I'd be okay with that.

But now, how do we move on and pick up the pieces from where we left off?

:(

Oh, tell me what we're fighting for

It's turned into an all out war

I'll find a way to fix these broken pieces and let go

Soon.

InsyaAllah.

Really hoping for this break to happen.

Relying on the sister to plan the trip as I'm busy with work and school.

:)

She's Kinda Hot

Salam!

It's been a great albeit tiring weekend. And today is my protected off time so I'm home for the rest of the holiday! Except for polling day but we'll get to that part later.

Friday: Teachers' Day Dinner at Bliss Garden Expo. Up there with me are my Nursery partner, Val (sitting next to me) and the one standing is our newbie teacher, Diane. It was an okay event, the lucky draw prizes were just meh, mostly fans (what the heck right?) but there was one I particularly wanted: 2TB external hard disk. T.T Because my laptop is starting to slow down, and my only hard disk contains the backup only. I need another one specifically for photos and files. T.T

Anyway, the emcee was HORRIBLE but the food was slightly better than the 2013 dinner. The dessert was so yummy! Longan and Almond beancurd or dunno what but the combo was real good!

Next up: Wedding of the Year...

My cousin, Abang Hannan, as I call him, finally got hitched! The venue was spectacular, totally out of a Cinderella movie setting. I really love the deco, though. Simple and elegant. It was at Raffles Town Club's ballroom, which I would say is a very atas place. It was a combined affair so we saw the bride's side of the family and relatives too. 35 tables full by the way. I actually wondered how much the whole thing cost but why bother 'cause he's a doctor, for crying out loud. Don't even question his salary range, it's definitely big.

Anyway, my other married cousins were telling me, Fazlun buat kat sini jugak la...

All I could manage without sarcasm was a hahaha. Abang Din was asking me when I plan to get married and I said InsyaAllah 3 years' time. (ITS ALWAYS 3 YEARS HAHAHA. K.) He was like, Oh, you got boyfriend already? & yours truly went in my head "Of course la then in 3 years I marry who sia?" But I politely said yeah and went for the kebab queue after that to get out of the conversation. But no, that's not the end because he told me about how he saved up for his wedding and his wife, Kak Ain, gave tips of how to get vendors and the such. Abang Din spent about 30K for his under the block wedding and that's not even counting the hantaran/dulangs. Lol.

Anyway, the wedding. It was okay, bit boring except for the live band playing tunes by Ed Sheeran and I Choose You by Sara Bareilles. We had to stay the whole day 'cause this is Dad's side of the family. We basically just sat there eating Churros and Kebabs the whole time, hahaha. The food made me have a stomach ache after I had it for lunch so I stuck to Churros and the desserts table. Pulot Hitam all the way, a favourite since young! :3

Photo Booth with free flow of photo takes.

Farah enjoyed this one hahaha.

Now I like salted caramel flavour because of this Churros!

*heart eyes*

Lol, also in picture, I kepit under my ketiak the purse Ahmad got for me from Batam lol.

Back to work on the following Monday going through the curriculum with Val and the boss, yada yada, freaking out in the resource room because of dead cockroaches lying around because we had to loan and return the toys, setting up the dramatic corner. Stressing now because I'm doing all the task cards and shit.

I split my days to two, from morning to about 6pm, I do work related stuff. 6pm onwards, I work on my assignment. Sounds like a good plan ya. So far, I've done my planning and task cards, which I need to print and I pray hard I have enough printer ink because I'm not willing to buy as I'm saving for my December holiday trip to Thailand. :B

Then on this coming Polling Day Friday, I'm on duty as the polling agent for 4 hours. I've never voted before so this is like, a new experience. *shocked face* Of course I'd rather stay home, vote and stay home again but I'd like this experience. :p

So that's about how my one week holiday started. Can't wait for the December holidays because it's longer and because of my trip but also dreading the December holidays because I'm back to owning my own classroom again. T.T

Luckily this year, my work did not get in the way of my assignments because my workload was not as much as last year. Not sure about next year though. But I'll take it as it comes. :)

Oh, my birthday just passed and I'm 24 now, a year away to being a quarter of a century old. Just the other day my family and me went to Labrador park for under an hour after our seafood dinner and while Farah and Farhana were playing with the see-saw, my parents and me were looking out at the sea.

Conversation:
Dad: *hugs my shoulders* Dah besar la my daughter..
Mum: Umie dah kahwin bile umur kau tau..
Me: Really?
Dad: *thinks* Tak la, you 25 baru kahwin.
Mum: Oh ah2 la. Lagi satu tahun.
Dad: When you finish your degree? Next year right?
Me: *thinking here we go again* Ya............
Dad: Then next year you kahwin la.
Me: *does the buzzer tet sound* Tak nak la, masih ade hutang dengan bank. Settle all the hutang then can kahwin.
Dad: Ahmad dah save brape?
Me: *giggles* 5K.
Dad and Mum: *laugh*

Conversations of this nature have been coming up a lot lately and it's probably because I'm of marrying age. But seriously, it's different when you're thinking it and when you're talking about it. It won't be anytime soon but until then, I'm gonna focus on my career and education. If I want to be a role model for my kids, I have to build my own success first. :)

Okay! Gotta get back to work. Sidetracked for too long! May y'all be in the best of health, InsyaAllah. Do I still have readers, lol????

Salam!

Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane

My neighbours told me that I got bad brains

But I'm alright though, yeah we're alright though

Cause we're the kings and the queens of the new broken scene

But we're alright though

They say we're losers and we're alright with that

We are the leaders of the not coming backs

But we're alright though, yeah we're alright though

We are the kings and the queens of the new broken scene

But we're alright though

Hey You

The abang finally planned a really good date.

(Not that our other dates were not good but, this was really an interesting one!)

Check out our couple Roshe!

*heart eyes*

I was a super excited girl amongst the flowers that he couldn't stop laughing at me.

Hahahahaha.

But the Cloud Forest was a little boring so... I tamed down after a bit. 

Was only awed by the waterfall.

Thank you for today, you.

I really enjoyed myself. :3

We don’t have to say forever,

I’m cool with whatever,

Love is coping.

We can just sit here at night,

Just two strangers in the night,

Ain't that what we're supposed to do?

We say what we say,

We do what we do,

We love who we love,

Hey, you.

If this is the moment, the moment of truth,

I don’t wanna miss it, hey you, hey you, hey you.

Go

 The other day's photoshoot with the staff

(My cheeks tho, sheesh!)

We haven't received the class photos yet though but I'm looking forward!

10 years from now, I'd look back to this year being a year of tests and tribulations :)

So the boss decided to celebrate the end of August baby and early September baby together

When she wanted to give me the card of well wishes, I decided to have the above for keepsake

Best boss, hands down!

Kak Layla, I mean, Teacher Layla! :3

It's nice to have more Muslim teachers now because I feel more valued as a Muslim individual.

There are more voices to back me up for anything that may be an issue to our religion.

You get what I mean? Yes? No? Okay.

I've been in a turmoil of feelings lately and I don't know why.

There's just something on my mind that's been bothering me.

The realisation that struck me as I was lying in bed one night.

After the truth sunk in.

I don't know what the future holds, or if it's the end of us,

or if it's really my fault in the first place,

or just simply pride and ego...

But I feel sorry this happened.

That's all.

I'm only focusing on the positives in my life right now, ditching the negatives and standing up firmly for my rights and beliefs.

I know now it's a lot harder than it sounds but I'm still trying.

Whatever this is now, I accept it with a heavy heart but I know it's for the best.

2 and a half months till the school year ends.

The kids are growing too fast. Too. Fast.

Dedicating this week to my assignments.

& staring at Calum's face before I close my eyes.

(Literally because he's on my phone wallpaper hahaha sorry Bang Mus :3)

Believe the tunnel can end, believe your body can mend

Yeah, I know you can make it through 'cause I believe in you

So let's go put up a fight, let's go make everything alright

Go on and take a shot, go give it all you got

Oh, yeah, I know it's not easy

I know that it's hard, no, it's not always pretty

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong

Or you could spend your whole life holding on

Don't look back, just go, take a breath, move along

Or you could spend your whole life holding on

You could spend your whole life holding on

Over and Over

Most exciting event in August?

Our 6th year anniversary and finally celebrating it together.

BaliThai lunch at RWS, cable cars and ice-cream!

Time really flies, it's not even funny.

I'm very tired nowadays.

No matter how early I sleep, or accidentally fall asleep,

I'm still tired the next day.

Currently pretty excited for the upcoming field trip to SEA Aquarium on 1st Sept.

I've got 2 almost full classes of attendance and it's a record breaker for a field trip!

Excited and stoked for this, literally got all my camera stuff ready for pictures and videos I'm gonna take while there with them.

Sadly, they don't allow food and drinks to be consumed in the premises so my plan for the picnic in front of the huge ocean gallery was ruined.

Need to find something for the kids to do while there, though.

I start classes tomorrow again.

Alhamdulillah, so far, I've been doing well.

I'm just looking forward to completing it and moving on to the next phase of my life......

Cheh, no la please. 

My sis keeps talking about leaving the country.

She's so adamant about it, it gets scary sometimes.

I don't know, man.

I have to help out for the upcoming elections, by the way, which sucks balls.

Okay, gonna go now.

Till the next post, InsyaAllah.

I hope so.

Been having too much chest pains lately. :'(

You know something I don't 

It's not like you to be cold 

Every night replayed over and over 

You say things that I don't 

You make me feel alone 

Every night replayed over and over

Salam!

Currently stressed out with my curriculum filing.

But just gonna take a moment to say...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to whoever still reads my blog...

Maaf zahir & batin! :3

I know I haven't updated much...

Or not at all but trust me, I'm trying my best.

Just that lately, there's so much to say but the words don't quite fit.

There were so many occasions that I emo-ed so bad but I just didn't feel like typing it all out.

Sorry.

Till next time, folks, InsyaAllah...

Good Girls

Hey, sexy. My current obsession: Calum Hood. 

The arms, his arms, oh god.

*heart eyes* :3

Salam! It's been a really long time since my last appearance. Things were pretty hectic in May, but at least that's all over now. Whatever happened then, hopefully it dies down by the time the new term starts. I told myself I'm not going to give them a reason to pick on me anymore. I learnt from this experience and I will up my game so my teachers don't get bullied by sadistic parents.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be on my last assignment for the term now but just a quick post. I miss blogging, I really really do.

So I finally picked up my Grade 3 Piano certificate and results. My examiner was a real cutie, by the way, but his handwriting is ATROCIOUS! I can't even figure out how to read, sheesh. But anyway, Alhamdulillah for attaining a Merit! :D:D:D:D

Somehow, I look fat here hahaha.

Aural test just passed is good enough. I know I messed up on that one. 

Especially my tone-deafness. T.T

I want to complete my piano studies so badly but it's the money constraint that holds me back every single time. I spent almost $2K just for this Grade 3, including the exam fees. I have so many dreams I want to achieve but I can't seem to keep up with them and I refuse to let those dreams go. Since young. It's a dream since I was a little girl to complete my piano studies so I can teach it too. Every decision I make now, I have to weigh the consequences carefully, and it makes me sad sometimes. Hais. 

Yesterday, my team of teachers had to be at Bedok Stadium for our team wellness day declared by the boss. So, when we reached, we ended up standing under the shade of the trees. Hahaha, well not all. There were the fit few who went up to 5 rounds of jogging. Second pic was me teasing Irene as she passed by but it looked like I was jogging with her, eh? Boss is a not bad photographer. Until she cheated my feelings by videoing my butt instead of taking a photo. She has this thing for my ass, man, I swear. So many times that I passed her my camera for group photos and she took photos of my ass while I was arranging the kids. Seriously, this is why I wear loose clothes all the time. My butt's just too damn obvious. Now, why am I talking about my ass lolllll!!!

Anyway, it wasn't so bad. I'll never end up jogging regularly though so this is just fun and games for me. Take me swimming, or like, cycling, and I'm up for it. I hate running. Period.

Back in 2004, when we first met.

From 2006 onwards, we were known as the photography duo.

Going through heartbreaks and truants together.

Damn how time flies so fast.

This was back in 2013.

I miss her. It's really amazing how far we've come, through all the ups and downs, the kind of demons we both had when we were younger to the grownups we've turned into now. Sometimes, I wish I could just go back to being in school. We used to be so excited about growing up and working to earn our own money, now I wish I could take back those words. Can't wait till she gets back, man. But until then, stay safe, Nat. :3

Ended up being a long post! I'm gonna go now! Till the next post, InsyaAllah! And, may this Ramadan be beneficial to all Muslims out there!

These dorks. 

She said to me

"Forget what you thought, 

'cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught.

So just turn around and forget what you saw

'cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught."

Happy belated 5 years 9 months to the one who matters.

We'll get through everything in store for us, together.

& InsyaAllah, we'll be where we plan to be.

<3 p="">

Salam, it's been a while. :(

Things have been a turmoil lately, but that's alright because I'm surviving. I'll always pull through in the end. I'm currently still recovering from last Saturday's sports carnival because I had to spend 5 hours under the blazing hot afternoon sun, which was a terrible idea from the committee. I think the teachers suffered more for this year's event as compared to last year's. At least, last year, the morning sun wasn't too bad. I had migraines for the whole of Sunday.

Anyway, I was having a conversation with my little sis (the middle one is currently in BKK) and I discovered that she was bullied in school. I told her about my own experiences, about not speaking up and suffering in silence. I urged her to fight back and to defend herself. To not be the pushover that I was when I was in school. Unfortunately, I guess it's just the softies that we girls are sometimes, but I realised that all three of us seemed to share the same fate in our primary school years: being bullied. Middle sister had better secondary school days, but mine turned sour in the later parts. Whatever. I've seen better days and I now know my worth. I've learnt to speak up for my unhappiness, especially at work. I've learnt the true meaning of friendship, and how they get destroyed when ego/pride rears its ugly head. I need to find a way to teach my lil sis these lessons so that she doesn't make the same mistakes I did.

This year hasn't been smooth so far but, I'm coping. Reading a lot due to my degree. Sigh. I just wish I could graduate with a degree without having to go through the studying and assignments shit. Juggling them with work is making me go nuts at times.

Been doing portfolios lately. Somehow my photos of children seem to multiply and multiply. I actually aimed to finish all by end of April. Not so sure but hopefully by end of April, I would complete at least my morning class.

I miss this young lad right here. I haven't seen him since who knows when. & this picture was taken like, in 2013, I think. When he was slimmer and clean-shaven looking, hahahaha. You gotta admit he looks good here. 

Guess that's about all my update will be. For now. Come May, I'll probably be nearing lunacy but I promise I'll be strong. :D

Salam and always be in the best of health, InsyaAllah. :)

Best Day of My Life

Salam!

I can honestly say that for once, I enjoyed a no pay leave day. Spent the day with the loveliest and sweetest guy, who accompanied me to my piano practical exam and then a bit of shopping after that. A short stroll at Pasir Ris Park where I told him about my younger days' adventures. Hahahaha, I feel so old while typing that last sentence. Sigh.

It's been a while since I went out on a proper date with this guy. Long talks, deep talks about everything happening right now, some kind of a catch up from all the times we lost. It's really quality time spent with him and I love it. :)

The exam went so-so. I tried my best, screwing up part of my scales and arpeggios, screwing up first and second piece a little, but acing well for the third song. The cute examiner (friggin' young for a Phd holder) probably gave me an easy piece for the sight reading because of my stumbles. Sigh. But overall, so-so. Just hoping for a pass. Definitely cannot get merit. :( But having my boyfriend there, my sweet sweet boyfriend, to give me moral support, to calm my nervous jitters, meant everything to me. :')

I wish I could hit replay for today. I really enjoyed myself with Ahmad's company. Him driving the car and listening to me talk. Him teasing me like, all the time. I wish today didn't have to end. Because, it's back to reality tomorrow. It's amazing how someone could make you feel so happy. :3

Bismillah for the rest of the year. First term, and already received horrible treatment from one of the parents I have. But I'm going to just stay professional, and let it go. All I can do is my best. I'm only human after all. 

Thank you, Abang Mus for today, it was perfect. :3

Till the next post, InsyaAllah. :)

Just another day started out like any other

Just another girl who took my breath away

Then she turned around, she took me down and

Just another day that I had the best day of my life

Take me away to someplace I can wind down

Sometimes, I do have second thoughts about staying put at this place.

I can't deny I love my job.

It's the people, the management, the human resource that makes it all so tough.

The awful stress put on us

The unfair judgement and decisions made

All these jeopardize our efficiency and work productivity

Weekdays and weekends are all spent on doing work

Family time, self time are all affected

What more can you take away from us?

I feel bad enough that I requested for taking Nursery because of the exemptions that I want from my degree, so that I don't have to pay another $8K for the practicum.

I don't get why no one can understand where I'm coming from., that I don't have a bloody choice.

I don't get why people ask why there is even such a thing.

Why would I intentionally do it for my own benefit?

If I could take the K1s, I would because I feel I'm competent enough.

But giving me both Nursery and K1, you'll kill me faster.

On top of my degree assignments, I'd have to do the learning centres alone in the class.

You'll just have to be prepared for me to under-perform.

To say that I sacrificed a lot for my job is an understatement.

I don't want to have to sacrifice my happiness too.

Doing this will solve your problems, but it would only be the beginning of my suffering.

And it'll be 2014 all. over. again.

I'm just incredibly tired of everything.

Salam!

Baking sharing time!

(Just to break from my 1K word assignment. Sigh.)

I made rainbow cheesecake 2 weekends ago!

This was how it turned out:

Biscuits!

Blended to a pulp and then mixed with melted butter.

Super yummy just to eat like that but... well. 

My cream cheese (some Royal brand)

While waiting for the cheese to soften to room temperature, I put them biscuits in the cups to freeze.

The best part:

Mixing the cream cheese with the strawberry yoghurt and gelatine.

The worse part:

Weighing the batters so that I'd get equal portions.

I had to crane my neck for such a long period of time.

But Alhamdulillah, they turned out great!

Reviews were good but the cups were just too big so it looked empty.

Hahahahaha.

Well, how was I to know that the recipe was going to give me such a small batter?

But I loved it. It's not sour, or muak. It's just nice.

Not too bad for a first time. :B

The past couple of weeks have been crazy for me. At least my work isn't as stressful as it used to be. I've got an understanding partner and a very artistic and helpful assistant teacher (even though she's considered a senior teacher). Did I mention that my principal offered me her position? I rejected though. I'm not ready for a supervisory position with so little experience in this field. Plus, I didn't have the leadership qualification yet and I'm currently taking my degree. She said she could help to propose for the company to sponsor my leadership diploma if I ever want to consider. But, hmm, I may not even want to take on a sponsorship. With the WDA funding, I only need to pay about $3K, and there's an instalment plan of $68. I mean, I would prefer paying on my own because at least I can secretly study so that they won't make me principal while studying. I just can't handle the stress with assignments. *insert muka ketawa gelak-gelak here because Faz so cunning* Well, I do know that if they sponsor me, I would have to take a principal position because they're always in need of principals.

That's the plan. LOL.

I love my job. I really do. The demands drive me crazy sometimes because work piles up faster than my hands can work on them. Yet, I feel like I accomplish more than I intended in each passing day, no matter how small the deed was. The children, needless to say, make me happy. Yes, teaching Nursery level is pretty challenging because of the slower language development but it still brings me satisfaction when the children smile or hug me or greet me or even achieve something small like EAT THEIR FRIGGIN' FOOD (don't get me started on that kid). I love my teaching position, I love teaching kids, and that's something I don't want taken away from me because that's what will happen if I become principal. I actually planned to take it on when I'm in like, my 30s or something. And then when I'm tired of it, I'd go into lecturing.

My mum wants me to continue on to take a Master's degree but I don't have the confidence for that. In this field, a Master's means lots, lots of research and portfolios. Portfolios means lots and lots of observations and analysis, supporting with theories from our old white men, which is something that drives me insane even at Bachelor's degree level. :(

I'm scared to tell her I don't want to go higher. That a Bachelor's is enough for me. A Master's would drive me over the edge. Plus, I'm starting to feel tired. All these research ain't easy, buddy. Pffft. My textbooks get thicker and even more thicker. I flip and flip the pages for research and I get paper cuts. Hardworking sangat, bro. :p

I guess this is pretty much my update. For now. Great movies coming up this year! So excited for ted 2!!!!!!

Alrighty, I'll stop here. Till the next time, InsyaAllah. Salam! :3

Getting here, InsyaAllah... 

Shirtsleeves

Salam!

The above was on the photoshoot retake day last Saturday. It was good and bad seeing the ex-parents again because well, I just maybe never really liked their characters and how I had to grin and bear it to stay professional. Anyway, I did get to meet my favourite boy though! ^ there! :3:3:3 *inserts lots of hearts flowing outta my eyes*  He was so adorable T.T Miss him so much T.T

Anyway, the teacher also menyibuk want to take graduation picture. Gonna email the photographer to send the photos.Heh.

Work has been pretty hectic the past week. My afternoon class drives me nuts. My voice isn't even fully back. I can't even sing without my words going silent halfway. And this class isn't even helping with matters. Their super duper short attention span just doesn't allow me to conduct my lesson in peace. Or rather, not just in peace but at all!

& I've been really sleepy easily lately.  I'm sleepy when I'm teaching and I'm sleepy when I'm not teaching. It really sucks, hahaha.

I need to gain some fats this year. I need to have a stronger and healthier body. I swear, my strength is killing me. There's barely much energy left after work. I go straight home and collapse on my bed, which I must add, is super comfy now.

I haven't been putting up any posts on cooking/baking. I'm making cheesecake this weekend, yay! Hopefully it can be the rainbow cheesecake I've been dying to try for years but never did. So now, let's do this! *inserts anime determined face*

Alrighty, I've gotta go do my curriculum related stuff now. I can't imagine when I have to start doing assignments already. T.T

:B Be safe, y'all. :3

When salted tears won't dry 

I'll wipe my shirtsleeves 

Under your eyes

These hearts will be flooded tonight 

I'll wipe my shirtsleeves 

Under your eyes 

Your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes

Style

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

That was a pretty old photo from 2013, actually. I still haven't adjusted to right now being 2015. I still feel like it's 2014. But oh gosh, looking back 2014 has been one helluva rocky roller coaster ride. 

Just feel like going through the highlights:

Of having my own classroom to decorate. The mess always drove me crazy because I hate mess and doing this single-handedly was not easy. But, I made it! With the help of family and friends and boyfriend. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to get my classroom setup prepared in time.

& of course I have to feature my form class of the year. I didn't know them well when I first got them, so they were testing my waters in the first couple of months. My first Korean student was among them. But as the year went by, I grew closer to them and eventually loved them for every good and bad thing they did. My blood boiled everyday, my throat hurt everyday from raising my voice over their 20 voices, but my heart melted whenever they told me they love me. I will always remember them as my first bunch of graduating students. T.T (P.S. I miss Ern Kang so badly.)

The first time in my entire life that I had to live without my sister. The first week was really hard without her. I didn't have anyone to rant to when I returned from work. I didn't have anyone to talk to in our room. The whole period while she was away really sucked, especially when my stress levels started increasing and I had no one to burst everything out to the minute I got home. But it was a good learning journey for my family as we learnt to work as a team. Especially after...

This one left. The house was in chaos. We had to take turns doing chores, and there were some days that my part of the chores were left undone because I was spending almost all my time at work. Thanks to SPARK. But, Alhamdulillah, we got by.

And then, the first cucu/nephew from my mum's side of the family arrived! Muhd Khilfie! Super cute lil bundle of joy! He arrived just in time for Hari Raya but kesian the mum, got pantang cannot leave house. Hahahah. I was so excited to have him in my arms. I kept telling Abang Fazli and Kak Fatila that they did a good job. Ya know wha' I mean, ya. Hahahaha. So now, I've already chopped a place for my wedding's flower boy. :D

We celebrated our 5th year together in 2014. Everything that we went through to get to where we are today, right now, right here. I'm thankful and so blessed that I have a partner who accepts me as I am and understands that my current passion made me the busy person that I was last year. As we move forward to 2015, we both understand that our personal commitments would make us even more busier but as long as we keep the trust, we'll stay strong for each other. I pray for many more years with him, and that we'll eventually get to where we wanna be. InsyaAllah. That 5 year plan. I love you, Ahmad. :3

My only Gamelan production of the year. Yes, I had mini shows that I did, but this particular show was juggled between work and degree. It was crazy! The best part was getting to be on stage again. It felt so at home, so right, as though I never really left. Unfortunately, in 2015, I decided to take a real break from doing shows so that I could concentrate on work and degree. Full time teacher, part time student. All for the sake of a better future, I'm willing to make some sacrifices. :)

I must not forget to mention this bunch of Coralites. 10 years of friendship, 10 years since we met in 2004 as nerdy teens fresh out of Primary Six, teens who were still finding their own identities. Now, look at that. All grown up. And our teacher, Mdm Norul, now married with two boys! She really kept her promise of having children after we graduated. The year after we left, she did! Hahaha! To many more years, guys. InsyaAllah.

October was a stressful month for all of us teachers. The team worked extra hard for our SPARK (Singapore Preschool Accreditation Framework) assessment and we made it! Alhamdulillah! With a score of 2.5/4! That ain't so bad because at least when we re-cert, it's not too high of a score to build on. :D It was a stressful week, that assessment week. I was the junior teacher to be interviewed and boy, the stress that was on me! I embarrassingly cried before the interview, the pressure was that intense. Anyway, we made it and that's all that matters. I'm looking forward to 2015 with my new Nursery children. :)

The week before the SPARK assessors came, I graduated with a Diploma in Early Childhood Care and Education - Teaching. It was one of my proudest moments, especially because of the things I had to go through in class while juggling work at the same time. I owe it to my boss, my principal, for her understanding throughout the whole 19 months of the course because she gave me her support and tried her best to lessen my workload so that I could concentrate on assignments. And my parents were so happy that day, and I know that I've done them proud. :') Looking forward, I would be continuing my Bachelor in Early Childhood Studies with Monash University at Kaplan Singapore. Looking forward to more knowledge so that it can be applied at work. :B

To wrap it all up, 2014 had been a struggle, with me trying to cope with the sudden changes and expectations of me. There was so much crap that I went through and it was not even funny. Losing and making friends, chasing work deadlines, dealing with difficult parents, planning curriculums and lessons, choreographing the graduation dance, dealing with uncooperative teammates and gosh, the list just keeps going!

It wasn't easy on me. Still, I came out stronger through it all. I learnt many lessons in 2014, lessons that I would never repeat or commit against another person. 2014 made me a better person and I hope 2015 makes me even better.

So there! May 2015 be a better year for all of us! May we be blessed with good health and success in achieving the dreams that we've been chasing! Amin, InsyaAllah!

See you in my next post! (This is the longest post since so long! :p) 

You got that James Dean day dream look in your eyes

And I got that red lip classic thing that you like

And when we go crashing down, we come back everytime

Cause we never go out of style

We never go out of style