Invincible

I don't know why but I always have this squinting habit at cameras.

Sheesh. It makes my eyes sepet. Pfft.

Anyway, I think Friday's birthday surprise for Mirah went pretty well, just as it had for Syai's, even though, this time was just a smaller group of the old gang. But still, Mirah was pretty surprised and happy. She did get a little irritated with the 11 layers of newspaper and wrapping paper. HAHA. I loved that part. Shall upload the video one day.

SSO! It was freaking awesome. The piano concerto was the bomb!! OMG, I was sooooo jealous laaaa. &! The freaking grand piano was GORGEOUS. I was sooooo jealous laaaa. Overall, the whole thing was pretty cool, and very nice. Lunched at Marina Square Foodcourt, at the rooftop, whatever you call it. Ayam Bakar was suuuuuuuper nice. Thanks to Liyana for the recommendation. Haha. The weather was pretty lovely; pretty clouds, lovely wind, nice sunshine. BUT! I think no one can forget how I overslept. I woke up at 8 and arrived at City Hall at 9. It was one hell of a rush. Didn't even have breakfast and I had a headache the whole day after that crazy rush. Won't talk about it.

The wind is blowing in my face right now, and it feels so damn good. I feel like cycling to PRP right now, but my mum already has plans for the family. Okay, I'm hungry.

Oh yeah, I had a bad dream last night. The first bad one since a while. I can still clearly remember the details. It's like a movie playing in my head. I would cry if I could, but I won't. Never mind.

Airshow ticket can't be changed to Sunday because it's a free seating ticket. Whatever that means. Gaaaaaah. I think I'll have to get my dad to pick me up from school that day and send me straight to Changi whats-its-name. Hmmm.

Shall go now. I'm having a headache again.

During the struggle

They will pull us down

But please, please

Let's use this chance

To turn things around

And tonight

We can truly say

Together we're invincible

I don't know what to say about this.

I just admire him for this.

I blame myself.

'cause I can't seem to make you happy.

I know you care.

I just want you to be there with me.

I don't need words.

I just need you to hug me and make me feel like all these isn't happening.

Third day of crying.

Some week.

BLG concert today.

BLG songs on replay.

Project M still not completed.

Need to remember to buy wrapping paper.

I hate this week.

The pain is the reason why all this is happening.

Maybe I should just die, right?

Rather than causing all these people pain and worry and whatever else.

Kekasih Allah.

My cubaan.

Sabar, Faz.

Today couldn't be more lovely. :)

First, I went to the movies with my dearest. :3

Then, I bought the Airshow tickets with Natasha. :D

& Nats, I marked the day on my calendar, guess the alarm song.

The Great Escape!! YAY!!

Hahah, maybe I'm crazy but heck, that song is like, perfect for the day.

Pasir is damn wrong about BLG, you should smack her face.

Another good part of the day:

GNK blog photo = PURRFECT!!

:D

One down, one more to go: updates.

Oh, the promotional video as well. I'm getting ideas.

& ohohoh!! The sunset today was freaking gorgeous laa.

I was cursing myself on the bus for not having my camera with me.

I always have this bad timing problem. Tskk.

& this below:

Your message today made me think about this.

You should too.

This is what I've always believed in.

Heaven

I won't lie. When I found this video again, the last part made me tear a little. & speaking of crying, today's hindi movie made me cry many times. It's called, "Fanaa", and I'm gonna try find the movie online. Been a while since I last saw Aamir Khan in action, and the last good movie he did that I liked was "Ghulam". Freaking sweet and awwwww.

It hurts the whole day. I'm so tired, I don't even know why I still want to stay up at this time. 10.49. Ohwells. I'm still not done with the GNK blog, the picture part pissed me off. I think I'll redo the blogskin? Maybe, maybe not. There's so much to do, I'm not sure where to start.

I miss my hair.

Bye.

Frozen

I feel like trying Utopia and Solitary Ground on piano. It sounds easy, but I know it'll be hard, but still. I wanna try at least. Hmmm~~

Anyway, Fahmi taught me Wilujeng on the Bonang yesterday and during lunch break today, Ahmad taught me the Ngelik parts. And after school, Fahmi taught me again, the whole song this time. & I got it!! Weeheeee~~~ Then Fahmi taught me the Lancaran Bendrong song and I got it too! Just need more practice. Weeheeee~~~ I love bonang now, even if it can be a real headache sometimes. Weeheee~~~ Sorry, boobs (gong), I found a new love in Gamelan.

Sisto just spoke to me earlier. We're going to the Airshow!!! But she's going with her friend, while I go with Natsy. Can't wait, can't wait!! Since I'll be missing out on the BLG show. T.T I'll make myself feel better on that day by listening to BLG songs THE WHOLE DAY.

Things to do this weekend:

- Decide whether or not I wanna cut my hair a wee bit shorter

- Finish up GNK's blog photo

- Make a GNK Photobucket account

- Update the GNK blog

- Upload Mum's Expo photos to Multiply

- Upload whatever photos I have of GNK shows to GNK's Multiply

- Find time to play piano, or maybe, the keyboard (since piano has 3 spoilt keys that piss me off)

Shitzzzz, what a long list.

The good part: I get to sleep with Ahmad's hoodie the whole weekend!! :))

(My shoulder hurts from all that Bonang playing.)

& speaking of dearest Ahmad,

HANDSOME RIGGHHHTTTT??? :D:D:D

He should have smiled at the camera. Hmm.

*meltssssss*

Okay, I'm off to start with my weekend to-do list. Not sure if I'll blog over the weekend, but we shall see. And for the record, my hotmail inbox has 1615 emails. Hahah. Applications are open if you want to help me delete the mails. Come find me for a one-on-one interview. Okay, lame. I'm outz!

Tell me I'm frozen

But what can I do?

Can't tell the reasons

I did it for you

When lies turn into truth

I sacrifice for you

You say that I am frozen

But what can I do?

My heart broke when I saw this.

Cik Azizah was being very strong in front of us.

But my mum said Cik Azizah cried so hard when the doctor said Hubbi's internal bleeding stopped. She went, "Allah terima Ya Latiff kite, Mas. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah."

So please, please, please.

Even if you don't know who this guy is,

even though he means nothing to you,

even though I am not even blood related to him,

his mum is like family to us, which makes him family too.

So spare a moment to bace Al-Fateha for him

or Ya Latiff as many times as you can.

This has taught me a huge lesson about life.

Yesterday, I taxi-ed down to CGH with Mirah and found the whole lounge outside the ICU wards filled with Hubbi's friends and family, all bace-ing doa for him, with Dad leading.

Might I mention that I was surprised to see Shaheedah there too.

I was touched to see that many people who actually came because they cared about Hubbi.

It taught me that your life can be taken away from you anytime, without any warning.

So tell the people you love that you love them because you never know if it would be the last time you'd see them.

& if you've done any wrongdoings to anyone, apologise before it's too late.

It's a valuable lesson I've learnt last night.

I cried when I hugged Cik Azizah, both times (HAHA).

& she warned me not to cry.

But I'm already crying.

HAHA.

Hubbi, we know it's painful.

Just hang in there.

Love this one.

Should have turned the yellow rose towards me. Hmm.

Hubbi, we will keep praying for you.

You can pull through this.

:)

Gawd, I'm still not done with Project M.

& to add to the pain in my arm, my neck hurts.

I think I slept in the wrong position last night or something.

Web is starting to suck more and more.

My eyes hurt as well.

Even with two jackets, it's still so cold.

I wanna go to the hospital and comfort Ain and Cik Azizah!!!!

Heh. It's true, after all. Heh. (I look like a freaking boy, omgee, I can't stand it. Haha.)

My mood today changes so swiftly from happy to angry to sad to emo, then happy to emo again. I'm so angry right now, I really feel like crying.

You say it like it's so easy

You don't know how much it hurts

You have no idea what it's like to lose a friend

& you act like this friendship has no value to you or me.

Guess we'll just have to suck it up and live with reality. Sometimes, these things make you grow up and become mature people. Sometimes, you learn a lesson from them. & sometimes, people choose to leave.

Guess we just have to move on.

Yesterday was awesome, but very, very tiring. After the tuition session with Rafi at Spinelli @OC, I made a last minute decision to go for the 6/2 class reunion. Our 7th anniversary, boy, how time flies. It was just a small group who came, but hell, I sure had fun. It's like, joking around and talking about the old days where we used to play soccer all the time, even though it was our PSLE year, and making our teachers angry blahblahblah. & talking about Joel who lost a freaking load of weight since P.6. I swear, I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw him. I think he lost more than 20 kg? But I swear, drastic change. And the guys are all so freaking tall. And my face looks so freaking oily in the pictures, mygawd.

I got the Strawberry Cheese that I wanted after all. Weeeeee~~~~ The strawberries yesterday were sour though, damn sour. Hahah.

There ya go. Skate Park!

Way too awesome. I wasn't that much satisfied with the photo-taking and all, 'cause Rafi and my sis were snapping away with my camera, but I don't mind 'cause I didn't really have the mood. I looked through the pictures just now, and they took some really good shots, like skater-jumps-over-the-sheep. I'll probably edit that picture. Haha.

I'm really pissed right now, actually, with a lot of things. I don't understand people these days, but I don't understand me at the same time. I want to be nice to her, but I just can't because just the sight of her irritates the fuck out of me. My mum told me a lot of stuff about her, about what's going on, and it's like, how come she doesn't even fucking care? I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Formal. -.- T.T

Stay Forever

Personally, I like this picture A LOT.

I apologised, even, personally.

Yet, you did nothing.

This is where it led us to.

Think about it.

I'm staying up, trying to complete everything I owe my mum.

Sighs.

& RJ still not done and as usual, superr hard.

Gaaaaaaah, formal wear on Monday.

Screw it.

Weehee, can't wait for Airshow with Natasha Yow Hisham!

Stay forever

It’s never again

Our words have been spoken

It will come to an end

Stay forever

It’s never again

Our words left unspoken

This will come to an end

Awwwwwwwwww. Haha.

&&&

This guy got me hooked to a couple of Nightwish songs

&!

A bunch of Within Temptation and Delain songs.

I'm listening to them repeatedly.

But anyway.

ME.

CAN'T.

WAIT.

FOR.

TOMORROW.

AND.

AIR SHOW.

Skate park, skate park, skate park!

I'm not skating, but you'll see. :)

&!

Hopefully,

Strawberry Cheese Tart! :)

:D

I guess it's no use feeling sorry for myself.

Cause no matter what, I still have to keep going.

18 years I've gone through, another 18 more won't kill.

Cause like you said, every start has an end.

& if I believe, I will get well. :)

Thank you to all who have been there for me.

I couldn't have asked for more.

I keep promising I'll be strong.

& I keep giving up.

& I keep saying I'll try.

I won't promise anything anymore.

Just that I love you all.

Very much.

& you are enough to give me the strength I need to keep going.

Thank you.

I want that keyboard under my fingers right now.

It's the only thing that can make me feel better.

I'm crying right now, and Natasha is comforting me. I know that others have it worse than me, I know that everything will be better in the end, yada yada yada. But I'm talking about right now. You don't know what it's like, how the pain makes you feel like dying at that moment, how tiring it is to fake a smile and say everything's fine when it's not, how you want so badly for someone to understand the pain and share it with you, how hard it is to try and be strong for everyone you love, how much of a burden you feel you are to your parents even though you know they're doing everything they can to help you because they love you. You can't understand it, unless you're going through it. This is supposed to make me a stronger person, but it's not. I just want to keep crying, because I just feel like it.

I just can't stop crying. I'm so sorry.

I tried to feel better after the appointment by shopping for the things I need for... something. I felt slightly better, until something someone said made me feel worse. Maybe it's my fault that I didn't show much enthusiasm. I'm crying my eyes out because of it. Because of you.

Forget it.

Some metal songs make me feel better. Blasting the music in the room. I should be resting. But I can't forget about today. Still crying. Sighs.

I suddenly miss my grandma. I don't know why. I really miss her.

I miss you. But you don't have to do this to me.

From Nat's Tumblr

Sometimes, we do need to put aside our pride and ego, and apologize when we do something wrong.

It's not wrong to apologize, and it's not a sign of weakness.

It's acceptance, admitting to our mistake.

I miss having you around.

Never Say Never

So true, so freaking true, I almost cried.

I'm at Orchard Central Spinelli right now with Cikgu Rafi and Murid Farhana. HAHA. I was supposed to study too, but errrrr. Haha. I saw the videos of yesterday's RPOH videos, and I think we all did AWWESOME!!! My arms hurt thanks to the pul pul gong songs, but hell, it's worth it!! :)

Anywaysss, the appointment today. Had my answers. Doctor says it's not the ovary that's the problem now, because it's purely harmless. It might have something to do with the muscles around my abdomen, or stress. Doctor said he suspected it's stress, and because when you're stressed, your intestine might spasm (something like that), and it causes pain. He did an ultra sound, and my uterus appears clear of any cyst. According to the report made by CGH about the CT scan the other day, my kidneys, lungs, liver, are free from any sort of cyst or whatever. So then Doctor said:

"I am going to ask you a question that I'm not sure you'll be comfortable with. *pause* Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Yeah." Mum and Cik La laughed behind me. -.-

"Are you having sex?"

-.-

-.-

-.-

-.-

"Noooooo." Cik La laughed harder.

"Okay. Then I can eliminate one cause. Because you see, sometimes when you have sex, you may get frictions in the abdomen...." blahblahblah.

Seriously, walao.

Anyway, in the end, the doctor said he suspects it's stress because when I told him about my occasional difficulty of breathing, he said sometimes stress causes that because the brain and heart are connected or something. He mentioned a condition called IBS, short for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, cause he said if it's something to do with the intestines, then he suspects there might be worms or something, I don't know. It's not his area of specialty, so he said he'll take a sample of my shit, and send it to the lab. And gawd, I don't know how the hell I'm gonna get the shit into the small bottle they gave me. Tskk,

So, yeah. I feel better now. The pain is still here, but at least I know more about it now. :) About the stress, yeah, Natasha had a point. I am stressed. I thought I wasn't, but she pointed out all that I have been stressed about the past few weeks. Sooooo, yeah. Ohwells. I know I'll be stressed about more things in future, but hell, what can I do?

Anyway, Sisto might kill me for the picture below because she doesn't look good. I was just trying out my phone camera because it kept hanging, and I just snapped, and it was finally fine! Yay! Anyway, Rafi makes a really good teacher. I don't know why I'm here with them. Like, so extra. Rafi belanja-ed us a hot drink. Mine was chocolate, and Sisto's was Caramel, which tastes a lil like coffee. No offence to coffee lovers, but yuck, I hate coffee. Prefer tea. :)

And the Spinelli's Strawberry Cheese Tart is fucking nice laaa. The next time I come here, I'm gonna have it again. That's if, I have the time. Haha.

Okay, okay. Gonna go. I love Ahmad's late night message last night. A freaking long one. And when I let my sis read, she actually cried!! I had the shock of my life. She just teared like that. JUST LIKE THAT. In the train! Haha. And she went, "so sweet, so sweet". And I was like, "I know, but for what you cry sia?" And she went, "I don't know! You never cry meh?" I was like, "I did la, but you don't have to, what." Hahahahaha.

The people in my life are so fricking, freaking cute that sometimes, I can't help but feel so lucky that I have them to laugh with. Okay, thinking about that makes me wanna cry. So I shall stop here. See you in my next post. :)

I think, I still really think, that you're the miracle in my life.

You can never say never

Why we dont know when

Time, time and time again

Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Art Of Love

Better late than never.

Congratulations to our new President and Vice President !!!

It'll be a pleasure to serve under you.

Chehhh. Hahah. :)

Think it's time to face up to reality.

Think it's time to be optimistic.

Think it's time to stop blaming myself.

Think it's time to grow up.

Here's the lyrics to this song. Can't get it as the blog music, not sure why.

****

I’m saying sorry in advance cos this won’t always go to plan

Though we don’t mean to take our love for granted

It's in our nature to forget what matters

How when the going is getting tough

And we’re all about giving up

Things that we never thought we’d gonna say, gonna say them

Things that we never thought we’d play, gonna play them

It ain’t perfect, but it’s worth it

And it’s always getting better

It’s gonna take some time to get it right

Cause I’m still learning the art of love

I’m still trying to not mess up

So whenever I stumble let me know

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out for me

Cause I’m still trying to learn the art of love

If I forget to get the door

Remind you that you’re beautiful

I know my detail requires more attention

If I ever hurt you it’s not my intention

Cause we’re gonna make our mistakes

Find out how much your heart can take

But I know that you got my back

And baby I got yours

Cause I’m still learning the art of love

I’m still trying to not mess up

So whenever I stumble let me know

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out for me

Cause I'm still trying to learn the art of love

Sometimes I’m gonna miss

I’m still learning how to give

I’m not giving up

I’m still learning how to love

Learning how to love…

Learning how to love

Cause I’m still learning the art of love

I’m still trying to not mess up

So whenever I stumble let me know

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out

You need to spell it out for me

Cause I'm still trying to learn the art of love

(The art of love)

Still learning (art of love)

Still learning (art of love)

Still learning (art of love)

Still trying to learn the art of love

Still learning, I'm still learning (art of love)

Still learning (art of love)

I'm gonna get it sometimes, cause I'm still learning

Still learning (art of love)

Still learning (art of love)

Still learning (art of love)

The art art of love

Ohohoh!!!

Happy 5th!

<3

Learning To Fall

Wish I could be this happy.

But sometimes, that's easier said than done. Nothing is that simple.

& you were so right about me. I can't believe it took me more than a week to finally realize that. Every word you said, every fact you pointed out, you were right, spot-on. It's like, it finally hit me; I am that kind of person, I actually did that to the most important person to me, the one who had been there all along for the past 6 years. & god, I felt so guilty; that I was never there, that I was so selfish. I am so sorry. Even if everything's fine, I'm still so sorry.

I can't believe I actually cried all the way home, partly because that finally hit me, and partly because the pain just never leaves. At least, I arrived home safely. I know Cik La saw my eyes, even Farah noticed, but they said nothing. Well, Farah did ask why but I didn't answer her. I was about to talk to my mum when I saw her walk into her room with a blanket around her. She looked so weak and tired, I didn't have the heart to tell her that I wanna see the doctor about the ovary thing. I broke down in the toilet, how pathetic is that? I knew the whole house would see my eyes, but it just hurts. Both the pain, and the feeling of being a burden to everyone I love. I'm seriously so tired of it. This. Everything. I don't know why I still push myself forward. Maybe because of them all, but maybe because I don't have much choice.

Might not go to school tomorrow. It still hurts right now. It scared the shit out of me just now when I suddenly had difficulty breathing. I guess chances of going to that BLG concert is 0%. I have my doubts. What a waste. So much for being so excited about it. But I guess it's for my own good anyway. Maybe next time. Ohwells.

Today is the day

the worst day of my life

You sulk until it hurts me

I don't know why

The cost of misery is at an all-time high

I keep it hidden

Close to the surface, inside

I couldn't sleep last night, have no idea why. Kept tossing and turning. Even when I managed to shut my eyes, I keep waking up. Have no idea why. & that's probably the reason why I had a headache the whole day, and on the way home, giddy like shit, at the bus stop, giddy like shit, in the bus, felt like fainting. Okay, kinda sounds drama-ish, but hell, I'm not. It's the truth.

Anyway, I filled my stomach with food and the headache's gone. Gonna read the 6Ps for Web UT tomorrow, then sleep.

OHHHHHHH. Saw Boys Like Girls' Two Is Better Than One music video. As usual, my Paul D. !!!!! Smokin' hot, I tell you. So sad Taylor Swift wasn't in the vid. Or else it would have been a goddamn better video.

Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul.

Sister says I'm crazy. HAHA.

It's a teenage thing! It's my last teenage year!

HAHA. I'm old, don't need to remind me. -.- betol la.

Anywaysss, Ezabel msned me out of the blue today. Had a shock. Apparently, she was just inviting me to 6/2 2003 class reunion at Costa Sands this 15-17. Like, finally, a reunion. That class was like the best, evarrr. But I'm kinda hesitant on going and I kinda know why. But hell, I miss them people, so hell, I'm going.

Okay, tomorrow, I :

- Will stop smacking people, intentionally or unintentionally.

- Will stop being rough

- Will stop swearing!***

- Will save up at least 2 buxx to put in the "polaroid bank" (applies to everyday)

That's it. My right shoulder hurts. I'm gonna head to bed now. One more thing:

HELL, I WANNA GO TO THE BLG CONCERT!!!!

Let's Just Fall In Love Again

The back one is Tiramisu flavoured. Awesome to the max ahh.

Studying again! Found out that Mum deleted my favourite messages from the red SE phone that I used to have. She's using it now so yeah, she deleted my favourite messages and she named Ahmad as "Ahmat Fazlun". -__________________________-

Seriously. My mum. Ahmat. AHMAT.

Anywayssss, school's starting on Monday. So not ready. Hahah. Studying like shit again. Touching up on vectors this time, and maybe graphs tonight. Yay! Pffft.

& next Saturday is the performance. I'm not sure who's gonna play gong for Slendro ('cause I'm not), which is on Thursday, and Maths UT is on the same day. Like, errr dotdotdot. Hahah. Will leave it to GNK.

Alright. Off to study! My brain hurts already. Hahah.

And I wanna fall in love with you again

I don't have to try

It's so easy who needs to pretend

But because

It's so funny let's just think about it honey

Let's just fall in love again

Staying up late studying again. & finally managed to grasp the formulae and all that shit. (All thanks to Rafi. Thanks again!) Oh boy, oh boy! School starts again on Monday! Haz msn-ed me just now, saying "I miss W46F". I was thinking, dudeee you sure?? 'Cause amazingly, I didn't. Not as much as I miss W35F.

I'm surrounded by papers and flashcards of maths equations. Pffffffffft.

Having a headache, but still pushing myself to study. Have yet to cover vectors and graphs. & I haven't even touched Web! Maths is sucha pain. But listening to piano covers on Youtube helps alot. Like Never Say Never. Awwsome, simply awwsome.

Bye!

Three Cheers For Five Years

Studying Maths at 2.08am. Hahah.

Forgot differentiation, so am forced to recap.

Haaaaaai.

The up part is this!

On repeat!

They're not bad!!

Found the scores, will learn it for real this time.

'cause this song means a lot to me.

For heaven's sake I know you're sorry

But you won't stop crying

This anniversary may never be the same

Inside I hope you know I'm dying

With my heart beside me

In shattered pieces that may never be replaced

And if I died right now you'd never be the same

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Hopefully 2010 will be a better year for all of us.

Bumped into Rafi, Marcus and Syafiq(sp?) in front of the yoghurt shop.

Had yoghurt with them and laughed like shitssss. Hahah.

I'm gonna study my ass off tomorrow, saturday and sunday.

Can't afford to fail any modules. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year again!!!

Somehow, the How To Save A Life song had me in tears. Hmm.