Days Gone By

I've been thinking of him ever since I found out he was sick. But when my mum went on and on and on about him, I realized she had a point. Quite a lot actually. But in my own personal opinion, it is not up to her to decide his punishment. It is all up to The Almighty. What can I do to make her change her mind? 'cause this really can't go on.

I keep thinking and getting paranoid about it but I'm really afraid of losing him. I don't know why it matters so much to me because it doesn't seem to bother the others. I often look back on my childhood years, when everything was so perfect and happy. And when I think about the years we lost, and losing right now, I just can't help but cry. I wanted to change something in this family, or try to make things okay while I can so I won't live with regrets but it's hard when my mum hates him. Hates him so much that she is trying to punish him and make him pay for his mistakes. I don't blame her, 'cause I can understand where she is coming from, but I just don't get why. Why?

This song fits everything I'm feeling right now. Because I can never bring back the time lost between us. I miss him, I love him, despite everything he has done. 'cause I don't care, nobody's perfect anyway.

I know it's pointless thinking about this thing over and over again because no matter what, nothing can be done. I am tied down by the promise I made to my mother.

It's hard to talk to someone about this. Sometimes, you just can't find the right words to say. No words can ever describe the way I feel about this whole mess. Sometimes, the words themselves are hard to even say out loud. It makes it hard for me to confide in anyone. & sometimes, people just can't listen to what I have to say. But I hate bothering people with my problems. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Liyana says I have to change my mindset. I shouldn't be too stressed up. It'll affect the IBS worse. If it really is IBS. With everything happening right now, and no one to run to, how can I change anything? I greet every new day with a smile, suppress everything inside, pretend it doesn't really matter and it isn't happening. But things happen, and I get reminded, and I cry. It sucks being me, and you've got no idea.

Sorry if I'm very emotional. I really feel terrible right now. What more, I'm so fucking tired. & we still have 400 more berkat cupcakes to go. & Liyana even noticed that I've been very emotional lately. Ohwell.

I just need to let out everything but it's too personal and I don't want the whole world to know about my darkest secrets. All I need is someone who wouldn't judge me, someone who wouldn't say anything, someone who won't give me any advices, someone who is willing to listen to me, someone who would just let me cry.

I don't mind crying alone though. It's always been that way. How disappointing.

But god I miss you

So much it hurts sometimes

& I can't bring us back to all the days gone by

Why didn't I notice

That you were not quite fine

Now I can't bring us back to all the days gone by