Girl Talk: The Nikah

Assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah, we are finally husband and wife on the 26th day of October 2019. Everything went so well, Alhamdulillah for everything, really (I do have complaints here and there but that will be stories for another day)

I have heard stories about how you get emotional during your nikah ceremony. I was so mentally prepared to cry (or even ugly cry) for mine. But to my surprise, I didn’t! I’m not sure if it’s just a delayed reaction/emotion because I only did later on but more on that later. So, the nikah. It was quite fast because we finished the burdariyah quite early and the Kadi also came early. So the nikah started earlier than 11.

Then, session power transfer from my Abah to Ahmad started. My heart was really beating so fast plus Ahmad looked reeeeeeally good in his baju melayu slash pengantin slash all that drama at JB over that particular baju *inserts eye rolling here*. Ahmad was confident and Abah was articulate. And how do they say it? Dengan sekali lafaz, sahlah kami sebagai suami isteri.

Prior to the wedding day, Ahmad’s mom created a WA group with us and his dad. She shared all sorts of advices and doas to read for the wedding day and marriage life. I was really touched by her initiative and willingness to share. So anyway, one of the doas was for this below:

After the nikah, Ahmad held the top of my head and read this doa.

This particular moment was so deep because I once asked Ahmad why the groom does this to his bride. Like, was there actually a doa in particular.

So apparently, yes, there is and Ahmad read it very confidently.

All I said was Amin, Amin, Amin. 

I legit cannot wait for the official photos.

& just like that, Alhamdulillah, we’re married!

I don’t have a picture of him kissing my forehead hais.

So there! That’s our nikah ceremony. That day was full of love and blessings, and so was the next day at Ahmad’s reception. The amount of love and support from family and friends were overwhelmingly overpowering. I could feel how happy everyone was for us. Like finally, this couple of 10 years since poly years are married. Hahahahahaha. 

It’s been 3 weeks since, and I couldn’t be happier. I married my best friend, my pillar of support, my imam and I hope Allah blesses this marriage until Jannah, InsyaAllah. Amin!

Salam! It’s been a while from me right?

Well, where do I even begin? The past year has been really, really, tremendously hard. So much happened to me in just a short span of time that it gets quite hard to believe that it all really happened, yknow what I mean?

By the way, the post about Sunday’s JB trip was just me pouring my frustrations out. I have never felt so stuck in the middle when it came to the wedding planning. This one gave me what Zaff called a mini anxiety attack. I really don’t want to feel that way again.

But like I said, the past year has been hard. I joined a new company only to be terminated on unfair and unreasonable grounds. During that termination notice period, I underwent 2 eye operations and even now, I’m still under medication and observation. When I found a new job, I had to go through another eye operation, which shocked the management but thankfully, they didn’t ask much. I am now in my 4th month (probation over) with my new company and I’m happier than I was in GUG. GUG was a very stressful place and Allah knew it. That unfair termination was really a blessing in disguise.

I have a very supportive team and environment at my current workplace and again, I am really, really thankful for that. It’s so rare to have such supportive and helpful colleagues. Although there are certain areas that can be improved (it’s an old centre/building), it’s a place I want to work hard for. Maybe I’ve found another “PCF” after all. Or am I saying that too soon? Hahaha.

Now, wedding. The reason why it’s been hard is only and only because of my mother. The demands she had were just too much. AKA “Dessert corner with 10 macam kuih” for a reception of 400pax... kek kukus berkat for tamu lelaki only (seriously wtf since when was berkat based on gender?), the rings (she said my diamond is NOT BIG ENOUGH, it’s freaking 0.3ct and that’s too big for ME and I’m the one wearing the ring not her right?!?!), Ahmad’s baju nikah issue was the last straw for me. I cried in the car behind my shades quietly, I had that anxiety attack, I cried again after we separated from Ahmad, I cried outside Nek Uteh’s house, I cried in the car journey back to SG. And my parents and Cik La never knew. The feelings of hatred towards my mother was too overwhelming that day. Like why she had to be so rigid and unreasonable.

I mean, in the case of the rings. She’s always gone on and on about how she wants her daughters’ husbands to be men who can guide her daughters to Syurga. But then demands him to be able to give a 1 ct diamond ring. I’m like, which one do you want? Dunia or akhirat? She’s so inconsistent, it’s so hard to keep up. And that’s why my sister can’t click with her.

We’re headed for ROMM tomorrow. I’m not sure if she’s coming with us because my dad has to go no matter what as he’s my wali. But if she follows too, I really am not sure what to expect. I feel so so so sorry towards Ahmad actually now. It’s so embarrassing to have my mother be so materialistic about the wedding when she’s always talked about barakah this and that. Friends said it’s because it’s the “sending off first child” thing and it would only get worse. I just don’t know what more I can take before I burst and it could get ugly.

I’m already tired from work issues and having to deal with this wedding related bullshit is just overwhelming. In the past 1 year of planning, it’s been so smooth and it’s only now that it’s a month away to the wedding that I’m suddenly feeling everything all at once. To the point I told myself, please just get the wedding over and done with already. I asked myself if I’m really gonna be okay with living away from my family, mainly my mother, once I’m married. I really don’t know and there’s only one way to find out right? I keep telling myself that it’s better for my mental health to be away from this crowded house. Cause I honestly really can’t. Anymore.

I really pray hard for patience. After that, I would like to go on a long holiday. Thanks.

Maybe I should start blogging more frequently to release pent up frustrations and whatever shitload. I realized my posts have decreased drastically hahaha. Let’s go back to doing Dear Diary everyday, shall we?

Till the next post. InsyaAllah.

The past week has been the hardest so far due to work.

But Sunday’s JB trip made me feel the worst thanks to my momster.

I’ve never had such an attack and it really helped to have friends who knew what it was like and had previously described their experiences to me.

I turned to the right person for support and Alhamdulillah, thankfully it was over before I knew it.

I’m just thankful that I was aware of my feelings and fought my way out.

I dont’t ever want to feel that way again.

I don’t know what else is in store the rest of this journey because the cobaan level went up another notch, if not a few.

I need to keep reminding myself to stay calm.

I’ve been so calm about the wedding preparations and I want to keep it that way. 

The only person who messes it up for me is my mother.

All I pray for is more patience from this point on leading up to the wedding.

Friends told me it will only get worse and I don’t doubt that.

All I hope for is just patience dealing with that.

I don’t need a legitimate breakdown to prove a point.

It doesn’t have to go that far.

May Allah ease all our affairs.

Assalamualaikum 2019!

The year started off on a bad note with CH management but I decided not to pursue the issues because they were not worth the effort at all.

I joined GUG officially on the 10th this month and so far, it’s been okay. Being a newly built centre and all, most of the times, I’ve been helping to do the inventory stuff besides the “training” at the Novena campus. My colleagues are great too, Alhamdulillah. I hope this stays too.

I’m tired of changing jobs too, ya know. I don’t want to think that PCF was the best place because it really isn’t that. It was my comfort zone and now, I’m glad I left because I really feel like I’ve grown.

Anywayssssssss.

This is the year I get married, InsyaAllah.

Constantly being pressured by the family, namely sister and mother.

Sometimes, I wish for things I shouldn’t wish for.

But no one exactly knows what it feels like to be in this position.

My married friends always tell me this: If can, don’t live with parents or in-laws.

Boy, am I SOOOOO stuck in the middle.

Not to mention the honeymoon thing also.

The sister wants to tag along.

Super tactless la please.

My family is so weird. Sorry, Ahmad.

That’s all for now!

Till next time!