Sick Me

Guess I'd rather be at work instead of at home but I happen to be sick. Because it's boring to stay home.

Can't even walk without feeling like I'm about to faint. The world starts to black out and I'm forced to squat and close my eyes until it goes away. When I woke up this morming, I realised my hands and fingers were shaking on their own. It was so scary. Downed my medicine and laid down for a while. I lost my appetite to even eat anything. Eventually I forced some rice down and drank barley before crashing on my bed. Suddenly had diarrhoea too.

Too descriptive so I'm just gonna...go. 

Miserable At Best

This is something Ahmad tagged me in that I feel are things I need to start doing now. 

Salam!

In the past 2 weeks, I've been through a turmoil of feelings. From feeling worried to angry to betrayed to whatever this is right now.

Because honestly, I just  don't get it.

Here I am, sitting alone in my classroom, another overnight session with a few of my other colleagues in their own rooms, and I'm thinking, why the hell do I have such bad luck with friendships?

I kept wondering, is it me?

What's wrong with me?

Why do my friends either want to get rid of me, or betray me, or just accuse me of doing something I probably wasn't aware I was doing?

Is it my fault in the first place?

Honestly, what is it? What is it?

Why can't I ever have a decent friendship? Yes, they have their ups and downs, but they're supposed to get through all of that and come out stronger. Because all the good times spent together is not worth breaking a friendship over something as small as a misunderstanding.

I just don't get it at all.

I'm sick and tired already. From my secondary school days until my polytechnic days. I thought now that I am a working adult, or at least now that we're all in the early 20s, we'd be mature enough to not behave like this. But no, I was wrong.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure why this happens to me like, almost every phase of my life. I just hope I can be strong enough to overcome this.

Time and again, I feel like I somehow allow myself to get betrayed or stabbed in the back by people. If they were unhappy with me for instance, they'd talk behind my back, instead of coming straight to me. Because honestly, if you tegur me, I'd accept it. I'd know what I'm doing may not be acceptable, so that's how I will learn to change. Of course it'd take time to digest, but I'd surely do something to change. But like, really, do I deserve to be treated like this every single time? Seriously.

I can't please everyone. Deep down, I know that. But that's what I've always been doing and in the end, I hurt myself. It's not fair to me. Which brings us to point 5 to 7 in the above picture.

I just don't know what to do anymore. This has been nagging at the back of my head the past 2 weeks and it was all I could do to push it away and put my work first because it was sky high before, now it's the-tallest-skyscraper-in-Singapore high. Sigh.

Well then, I'll just go get a cup of tea to feel better about this, and hopefully, things will get better.

Just. So. Tired. Of. Everything.

Because these words were never easier for me to say

Or her to second guess

But I guess

That I can live without you but

Without you I'll be miserable

And I can live without you

But without you I'll be miserable

And I can live without you

Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

So I spent 5 hours yesterday fixing my new IKEA kitchen set up.

5 hours of headache.

Trust me when I say I never wanna do this again.

Or maybe, not alone at least.

It's tough shit, I tell you. 

No freaking joke.

Salam!

I'm feeling preeettty happy and excited for myself. I had a lesson observation today by my principal and what's worse is it was to be a video-ed observation. At the start of the day, I was pretty stressed as I hadn't printed my lesson plan for her because Dropbox was being a biatch and so was the work computer. In the end, I managed it. After our mass exercise in the morning, my children and me waited for her arrival but she didn't seem to come so I called her and found out she actually forgot. -.-

The lesson went on as usual, but I couldn't stop smiling and I can't even recall why! The children were soooo excited too! Prior to the observation, I made them promise to be on their best behaviour. My naughtier ones were as usual, of course, but at least, during the whole lesson/observation, they were all cooperative. They responded very well, in fact, TOO WELL, to my standard hand signals. (I try to use hand signals as another form of instruction, a tip I picked up from one of the workshops I attended. Hee.) Now that I reflect back, they were pretty engaged in the activity that I planned for them, or rather, the curriculum planned for them. I was rather impressed at their enthusiasm too.

So, my principal's comments were quite positive. During our pre-observation meeting, she asked me which area of the observation I want her to focus on and I said my classroom management. So just now, she said my classroom management was 'very good'. The children 'respond and listen to you very well'. The children 'were very engaged in the activity, which is what the QAC officers will want to see.'

I wanted to scream Alhamdulillah.

These comments mean a lot to me because last year, all my observations went haywire, practicum assessments included.

So, yep. This is quite an achievement, and the feeling is just too awesome. :)

So I realised these things today that I have not done:
- March meeting minutes
- This week's lesson evaluations
- My class's allergy list
- Virtues lesson plans

Die die die. District Head might be coming anytime she wants, and QAC officer will be coming on the 24th. Die die die.

Still, this can't dampen my mood today. It'll only motivate me. :D

Until my next post, InsyaAllah. :3

Here's a reason to post something:

I'm spending an all-nighter in my classroom today!

Awesome right?!

NOT.

So I cleared the cupboard behind me.

So far, no cockroaches.

But I found their shit.

So. Hais.

Anyway, it's been a pretty long day for me.

From meeting CEO in the morning, to rushing home to prepare for B's engagement at Yew Tee in the afternoon, to rushing home again to have dinner at my aunt's and then ending up here.

Gonna stay up all night doing work and gonna spend the whole of tomorrow (after piano class) to rest up. Wish me luck.

Bismillah.