Ahmad.

Mustaqim.

Is.

So.

Cute.

When.

He.

Is.

Sleeping.

I would take a picture of him while he's asleep but then again, if I was sleeping, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. So I didn't. I respect his privacy or whatever you call it.

So, anyway, reminder to self, photocopy passport tonight.

I can't believe this is real, man.

Walao. Watching Ahmad sleep makes me sleepy sia.

But I can't sleep, skali he oversleep. He has ngaji.

Walao, I feel like a freaking wife.

Buy his meds, water and hot drink.

'cause he's sick today. :(

Now, I'm watching over him.

*angel pose*

Okay, dah stop.

Bye.

Heh. I'm confirmed to go for the Sydney trip. Heh. I can't stop smiling whenever I think about it. It's so exciting, and less than a month away. However, someone is feeling emo 'cause I'll be leaving. Hehehehe, aku bawakkan kau kambing yang tumbuh kat pohon kay? Hahaha, kay no link.

So, yeah, I'll be going to Sydney from 28th February to 4th March. I have to start saving moolahs from now. :s

My evening was a disaster. Mother started yelling at my sister when the contacts in her phone accidentally got deleted. All my sister did was copy all the contacts in the phone into the SIM card. I don't know how some of the contacts got deleted. I mean, even if there is overwriting being done, the contacts that are not being overwritten usually wouldn't disappear. But I don't know what happened for this case. And MOTHER, being the usual clueless but macam faham one, scolded my sis until she cried and walked off. So I told Mother, you scream scream like crazy woman also your contacts won't come back. Then my dad, who got pissed with the shouting, said to her, pekik2 macam setan, ni dah maghrib. So I guess both our comments set her off worse, she shouted at us too. Stuff like, kalau your important business contacts hilang also you will angry. & she listed the contacts that were lost. On and on and on like machine gun. At that point of time, I really wanted to slap her face and scotch tape her mouth. So I walked out of her room. I could hear them arguing even from the hall. My sister rarely cries and I know her well enough to know when are the times she would cry. But this really pissed me off because I don't like it that my mum always puts the blame on others. But when she herself is in the wrong, she won't admit it, and she won't accept it if people tell her that she's wrong.

Sungguh irritating.

But, whatever. It's over.

It's been raining cats and dogs lately, and not only that, it's so cold I have to wear a jacket around the house. Pffft. Okay, Alice in Wonderland is a really nice movie though. Johnny Depp is real cute. Haha.

I'm going to Sydney! Whoop whoop whoop!!!! The last time I was there, I was 6 or 7. I went there with my grandpa and 2 aunts to visit my youngest uncled who was at pilot school there. I remember getting scolded 'cause I gave the kangaroos their food dengan paper packet die skali. HAHAHAHA! Ohohoh! & I remember sleeping with Cik La on the same bed, and in the middle of the night, I fell off the edge. Epic sia. I wonder where that photo album went. I used to look through it whenever I was bored. So much memories of spending time with the complete family I once had. Hmm.

Okay, enough of an update for now. Hee, Australia. I shall learn their accent there and irritate people when I get back here. HAHA! OMFG, so OMFGly excited!

Okay, bye! Always be in the best of health, kay? Take care of yourselves, especially in this kind of weather. Drink more plain water if you have flu or cough, or better still, drink hot chocolate or something hot. It helps. :)

Got the shock of my life when I saw this. I didn't even expect to be selected. I just submitted the RJ just to get the CE point. & I've checked, they gave me my 1DA already. 7 down, 3 more to go. RP's sucha pain. Anyway, I didn't have any intention of getting selected since they said minimum GPA must be 2.6 and above. I was like, crushed sia that day. -.- & that Hazlinda Hussain, walao, janji nak gi together-gether, last-last budak tu tak buat RJ. She said maybe my RJ sounded convincing enough, that's why I got shortlisted. Bugger, I don't even know if I really want to go.

Spent the whole day with Hazlinda. She annoyed me more often than not. But I had a great laugh with her. We even managed to squeeze in some L4D2 on XBOX at the library. Bumped into Faiz there too. It turns out that playing L4D2 on XBOX is a lot harder than playing on the computer. I relied mostly on the sword, cause my aims with the guns are hopeless. & Haz kept using up my first aid kit. I always have to heal her but I end up always dying. -.-

Well, I had enough fun to at least forget about the things that were bothering me since last night. & no matter how hard I tried to think of a solution, I can't find any. All I keep wondering is whether I'm just expecting too much, just like the others were. I thought I'd always understood, but maybe I was wrong.

I'm just really tired of crying, you know?

Farah seems to be much better now. Alhamdulillah. :)

Kisah Tak Sempurna

Alhamdulillah, Farah is fine. We don't know if it's for real, but for now, she is fine. She's not in pain, so that's good enough. But she'll still be going to the doctor's to check the damage.

Well, apparently, on Tuesday night, she korek her telinga with a cotton bud. & you know how dangerous those sticks are for young kids like her. Usually, there's always someone around whenever we let her use it. It's a good thing that she's independent enough to dig her own ear but well. Anyway, what happened was she left the cotton bud sticking out in her ear while dancing to a cartoon on Playhouse Disney. So she syiok sendiri dance dance, as you can see in the picture above. The second stickman is actually the position she struck when the cartoon song ended. Cause apparently, the cartoon characters were doing that position too, both hands up, head sideways. I guess she forgot she had a stick in her ear so when she did that pose, it should have been a hard push, so that's why it poked through her ear drum. & it bled! There is a hole in her ear drum now. When I saw the dried blood in her ear, I almost threw up, seriously. But the up side is that the doctor said it can heal by itself within weeks because the hole isn't too big. I did my research, and they said the same thing. I'm just so very thankful for this. I just really, really hope that it wouldn't lead to something worse. She really is just as clumsy as her sisters. Sigh.

I hope it'll continue to rain like it did the past few days. Gloomy skies match my mood now but even the cold can't numb how I really feel inside. Sometimes, I tell myself not to expect too much. Because even I know that it'll only lead to disappointments. & sometimes, when there is only silence, you can only assume, because you're too afraid to ask. But it's okay. I'll find a way to distract myself. I succeeded before, I can do it again. :)

It's times like this where I really wish my piano was okay. Just so you know, it hurts even worse now. Because even I don't know what I want anymore. How did it get this complicated?

Aku memang tak berhati besar

Untuk memahami hatimu di sana

Aku memang tak berlapang dada

Untuk menyadari kau bukan milikku lagi

She has a hole in her ear drum.

Hopefully, it's not too big so it can heal on its own without surgery.

My chest hurts from all this crying.

I never want anyone to go through what I've gone through.

Any sickness, any illness, any pain.

This has always been my wish in my prayers.

& now, it's happened to the last person I want it to happen to.

All I can do now is pray for her.

I'd rather be the one sick, or in pain, than have my loved ones go through that agony.

Up till now, there's still no news.

The more you trust, the greater the betrayal.

The more you love, the deeper the hurt.

Sudah

So.

I decided to try out Balinese Gamelan today and I have to admit, it's very refreshing, something completely different. Even the gong patterns are different. It's a totally different world from Javanese and Sundanese, and I'm glad I gave it a try.

I was watching Ahmad playing when I realized something. Whenever he frowns the way he did earlier, or whenever he looked as serious as he was, he really looked like Syarif Sleeq. Okay, everyone's probably doing the -.- face, and maybe if Ahmad reads this, he'll go, "Whatttt?!?!" orrr, "NUUUUU!!!!". But really, when I watched him earlier on, he just had that Syarif Sleeq aura, something about his face, the seriousness of his face, reminded me of Syarif Sleeq. It's fine if you don't agree. But at that point of time, I was a little speechless. I don't know why.

But then again, he's as busy as a celebrity. So, I can understand why he looks almost like one. HAHA!

I'm very moody lately, and even I myself know that. I fake a smile, I say everything's fine, but inside, I know better.

I want so badly for my piano to be fixed. I've had so much inspiration lately; writing songs (lyrics come automatically on the train. -.-), figuring the melody out, mashing tunes together. It's kind of weird to me that this is happening but, who's complaining? ;p

One last thing, The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks is not only beautifully written, but heartbreaking and deeply moving. If you're having problems with your family, or either one of your parents, this would make you cry like crazy. But even if you don't, Nicholas knows how to put you in the character's shoes, making you feel the emotions yourself. The tears would fall automatically, and the pain is pure. Nicholas Sparks has never failed to make me cry whenever I read his novels. Inspiring. :)

Okay, bub-bye.

Salahkah aku mencintaimu, memilikimu, menyayangimu?

4 more days.

Cry

This is, by far, the longest RJ I have ever done for as long as I've been in RP. :)

I don't know why but after class ended today, I totally lost my mood. Part of the reason could be because I received an unexpected text message. It's like a reality slap in the face. It just dawned on me that no matter what, my past, my life, will still come back to haunt me, no matter how hard I try to push everything to the back of my mind.

& you know what? No matter what, no one will ever, ever, ever understand how I feel. Even if they know my complete life story, even if they know about everything I'm going through and have gone through, they'll never understand. Not even my family, my own sister will never understand. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. That so applies.

3 more weeks till the end of the semester. I plan to work this vacation, so I can save up and pay for my own piano lessons. It's time that I start taking matters in my own hands. I'm tired of waiting. I want to change something about how I spend this year.

I'm really tired of all the pain I've been feeling lately. I'm tired of suddenly having difficulty breathing. It's okay if it's outside of class. But when it happens during class, it annoys me like crazy. Good enough that the medicine work. But I'll get drowsy like crazy. Especially when I take the maximum dose for a day: 3 pills. The temptation to just lie down and sleep, I had to fight so hard to resist.

Pissed-at-men Syndrome, hahah. Currently reading The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. & for as far into the book as I've been, I'm gonna say that the book is much, much better than the movie itself. Well, the books always are, anyway.

My dreams are weird lately. I keep seeing blood. Or things related to blood. Wonder what that means.

& today, something someone said about love at first sight got me thinking. No, I don't believe in love at first sight. It could be more like, you see that person and think he/she is cute, so you have a CRUSH on them. Kind of like, an infatuation. Screw those Hindi movies where the hero falls in love with the heroine at first sight. Even though I watch these kind of shows, I find it stupid. -.- I don't even know why I brought this up. Mind is screwed up in the middle of the night.

Okay, this is a long enough update just in case I don't update for another week or more or so. I haven't much to say here and besides, the feelings I have are too personal. I'd rather write in my diary. :)

So, bye. I hope you are all in the best of health, always and forever.

A Song of Storm and Fire

I have nothing much to say right now. Kind of not in the mood. Buttttt, I found this on Le Love.

When you are in a relationship, you have a one-track mind: your boyfriend. When you break up, you have a one-track mind: your ex-boyfriend. At what point do you forget the past and start thinking only about ME? You don’t have to think about your past; you don’t have to think about what is gone; you don’t have to think about the love you are missing out on. It is better to be free than be enslaved by a tumultuous relationship; some love can’t be repaired. Yet after you are out of it, you don’t know how to be free. It is a paradox. You are too paralyzed to move because you are venturing into the unknown. Standing still is the initial reaction because you don’t know where else to go. You are abandoned in the blistering cold.

There is far too much life to live fully and alone to dwell on the what-if. Time quickly passes that you can never recover. I don’t want to live with regret. Dwelling and pitying has eaten a year of my life. A year. 365 days. I could have done a million things in a year, but I did nothing. Never again.

Selfishness is healthy. After a break-up, you absolutely must be selfish. You must immerse yourself in new experiences, activities, relationships to help create a new identity. All of the mental energy you possess must be devoted to repair and self-restoration. Nothing else. Otherwise your identity from the past remains your identity in the present. I don’t want to be the person I was in that relationship- I didn’t love myself. And I don’t love myself as long as I am still hung up on the devastation of it all. You must change EVERYTHING- experiment, risk, explore. Putting yourself out on a limb makes you stronger and more confident. Only you can change, there is nothing external that will initiate the process. I choose my thoughts; I choose my behaviors; I choose my proactivity. No one else can change these things. This is my biggest trap. I want some event to turn it all around, but this isn’t how it works. Change is a daily process- it is a lifestyle. Incremental, not overnight.

There is tremendous power in self-mastery; it is a journey I have been toying with for a long time, but have yet to aggressively pursue it. Old thoughts and habits inhibit my success, as I let them destroy all progress in one single swoop. I work so hard, yet give it all away because my mind convinces me I am not worth it. This is a habit, not who I am. I must rid myself of it. Only you can be your own biggest cheerleader- it’s not vain and conceited; it is a necessity. If you tell yourself something over and over, you eventually believe it; this is so true. Good mental health leads to good everything health.

Ridding yourself of the past is no different than ridding yourself of any kind of addiction. You simply can’t go back; not even one taste. It is an all or nothing. Letting your past creep in is dangerous because it can take over. You don’t have to let it control you; you just have to resist the urge to succumb to it. No pictures, no texts, no drunken calls. Nothing. He is dead to me. He is in a grave. It is time to climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in along with him.

Life must move on. The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you can’t see the light of day. Life is waiting. Don’t miss out on it. Every second is a chance to be born again. Embrace the opportunities life has to offer- regret is probably more painful than heartache. You can love again, but you can’t live again.

Okay, just digest this yourselves. :)

I've been listening to this post's title since the beginning of the day. Hehehehehehehehehe. :D

Ye la, aku je yang slalu salah.

Kau marah aku, die marah aku, semua mengamok dengan aku.

Baru pijak dalam rumah, aku dah kene maki.

Ye la, semua salah aku.

Cibai.

Lebih baik aku tak balik rumah.

My Heroine

17th, baby. 18th would be next month. Salah kire eh? :p

My chest hurts really bad. I wonder if the doctor was just making a guess. The ECG showed good results, no problem with my heart, everything's normal, but how come my chest still hurts left and right, on and off? I got woken up twice this morning because it was so painful. It scares me so much to the point where I'm afraid that it would just squeeze around my heart or something and I'll die. I dunno.

Anyway, I enjoyed my afternoon today. The keyboard was left on, with the plug still in, so I turned it on and played. Ended up remixing Take A Bow and Unfaithful with Azhar accompanying the drums part. I'll upload the videos he took when I get it from him. It had been so long since I played and had fun like that. :D

You taught my heart

A sense I never knew I had

I can't forget the times

That I was lost and depressed

From the awful truth

How do you do it?

You're my heroine

FYL

Lesson 27

Never treat your significant other all the time. True love isn’t measured by the money spent, but the effort put into the relationship.

This goes both ways. Money is a cover-up to shower a person with things they want. Also, if a person just lets you spend their money on them, they must not really care about your financial situation.

Another thing to note is that I was foolish enough to make a promise that only lasted a week or so

Lesson 28

“Never make a promise that you can’t keep.”

A simple saying, but it has so much to it. That probably brought down her trust in me a lot, at least with the things I said. I stopped making promises to my memory.

Today, it came again. That pain in the chest. It gets frequent now, I don't know why. Yeah, the heart muscle thingy or whatever. But that's not all. What added to the pain was the pain at my abdomen. It switches left and right. This can drive me crazy anytime.

I think that I'll just write my true feelings in my diary.

Maybe I'll just go see the doctor tomorrow. About time to get the mystery uncovered.

It's not fair that I have to go through this alone. You used to be there for me.

Introducing Me

I know I'm kinda slow but here goes...

HAPPY 2011, EVERYONE!!!!

I know I haven't been updating regularly. I haven't been using the internet much 'cause my hands are full with the Ass2 and UT2. Being connected to the internet would only distract me. So, yeah, I've completed the member part for Ass2, and I feel kinda awesome about it. Haha. I'll be discussing the admin part with Haz tomorrow though. Thank God the submission for Phase 1 is on 5 Jan. I don't have much time, but at least that's just for the hard codes. Wait till I have to do the php part. It kills.

Currently loving Introducing Me from Camp Rock 2. Finally got to catch it on DC the other day. Sheesh, they took so long to show it again. But I gotta say, no matter what, Nick Jonas's voice is sooooo much better than Joe's. I dunno why, but I love Nick's voice better. No offence to JJ lovers out there.

Okay, my dear babies. I hope you all have a pleasant year in 2011. For revolutions, haha, I don't really have one. I just hope to be a better, stronger person than I was last year and the years before. That doesn't count right? Eh, next year is 2012. Wooooo, scary. Okay, bullshit.

Goodnight, all!

If you wanna know, here it goes

I'm gonna tell you there's

A part of me to show

If we're close I'm gonna let you see everything

But remember that you asked for it

I'm trying to do my best to impress

But its easier

To let you take a guess

If the rest is what you wanna hear

The things in my brain, my heart,

Well you asked for it

For you're perusing,

At times confusing, slightly amusing

Introducing me