I've never tried so hard to be strong since Angah's cancer.

But this breaks my heart.

As I stared at his weak body on that bed, his quivering lips and trembling fingers, 

it was all I could do to hold back the tears.

I even had to whisper to myself "Be strong, you can do this." 

because Aunty Yoyo was there.

I only started crying as I walked from the hospital to Simei MRT.

The surgery successfully removed the cancerous part of his colon.

But they also discovered that the cancer had spread to different parts of his lungs.

And there's nothing the doctors can do for him.

After this 24 hours observation in SICU, he'll be undergoing chemotherapy.

The doctor says he has to try chemo.

After watching Angah go through chemo, I'm worried for him because I'm not sure if he can take it because of his age.

I'm praying hard for him.

We all are.

I can't lose hope that he'll be okay.

Save You

Salam....

Despite knowing that all life ends and returns to Allah, here I am still feeling terrified to lose the only grandparent I have left. My childhood with him was stripped away by the one person I know deep down that I'd never be able to truly forgive, especially not after finding out what she did that brought him to the condition he is in right now.

The hurricane of emotions I've been feeling since I found out never left. Each time I think about him, how he looked on the hospital bed, me clutching his hand as though I could hang on to his life for him, watching him sigh and moan as he moved to find a comfortable position on his bed because his stomach hurts, all these bring tears to my eyes I just can't stop.

I've always prayed that no one else I know besides my late aunt would have cancer. It's a horrible disease that not only slowly kills the ill one, but the people who love them too. It hurts to watch your loved ones wither away and now I have to watch another. It just had to be the one I lost many years of childhood with.

The operation to remove like, 30%, of his colon is tomorrow. Praying so hard tonight that he'll be okay after that. I've gotta have faith. I'm just trying to be as optimistic as I can. I knew someday he'll go, but I wasn't ready for it to be cancer again. But I know it's all already written in our fates.

Till then, I pray for strength, just lots of strength and faith to brave through this again. I know I'm much stronger since Angah but I know this will break me more than Angah did. I grew up with him around and suddenly one day, he disappeared from my life, only to reappear again 7 years later. Everything changed after that, nothing was ever the same because of her. It will always be her fault. How cruel she had been to him behind our backs.

I know I won't be able to focus on work tomorrow because of the op but I have to remember to keep my emotions in check with the kids.

I might update more just so I can dump my feelings here. Too much going on, too much bottled up. Luckily, when I'm at work, my mind is taken off this matter because the kids make me forget everything else, especially when they make me laugh. So much love for the morning class.

I have to tell him I love him the next time I get to see him.

When I hear your voice 

It's drowning in a whisper 

It's just skin and bones 

There's nothing left to take 

And no matter what I do 

I can't make you feel better 

If only I could find the answer 

To help me understand 

Sometimes I wish I could save you 

And there're so many things that I want you to know 

I wont give up till it's over 

If it takes you forever I want you to know

2012

2015

HAVE I CHANGED OVER THE YEARS?

HAHAHAHAHA.

Broken Pieces

The past more than half a year, I wonder how I survived.

I never thought you would leave without a trace.

I never thought I'd be okay with that.

But now, how do we move on and pick up the pieces from where we left off?

:(

Oh, tell me what we're fighting for

It's turned into an all out war

I'll find a way to fix these broken pieces and let go

Soon.

InsyaAllah.

Really hoping for this break to happen.

Relying on the sister to plan the trip as I'm busy with work and school.

:)

She's Kinda Hot

Salam!

It's been a great albeit tiring weekend. And today is my protected off time so I'm home for the rest of the holiday! Except for polling day but we'll get to that part later.

Friday: Teachers' Day Dinner at Bliss Garden Expo. Up there with me are my Nursery partner, Val (sitting next to me) and the one standing is our newbie teacher, Diane. It was an okay event, the lucky draw prizes were just meh, mostly fans (what the heck right?) but there was one I particularly wanted: 2TB external hard disk. T.T Because my laptop is starting to slow down, and my only hard disk contains the backup only. I need another one specifically for photos and files. T.T

Anyway, the emcee was HORRIBLE but the food was slightly better than the 2013 dinner. The dessert was so yummy! Longan and Almond beancurd or dunno what but the combo was real good!

Next up: Wedding of the Year...

My cousin, Abang Hannan, as I call him, finally got hitched! The venue was spectacular, totally out of a Cinderella movie setting. I really love the deco, though. Simple and elegant. It was at Raffles Town Club's ballroom, which I would say is a very atas place. It was a combined affair so we saw the bride's side of the family and relatives too. 35 tables full by the way. I actually wondered how much the whole thing cost but why bother 'cause he's a doctor, for crying out loud. Don't even question his salary range, it's definitely big.

Anyway, my other married cousins were telling me, Fazlun buat kat sini jugak la...

All I could manage without sarcasm was a hahaha. Abang Din was asking me when I plan to get married and I said InsyaAllah 3 years' time. (ITS ALWAYS 3 YEARS HAHAHA. K.) He was like, Oh, you got boyfriend already? & yours truly went in my head "Of course la then in 3 years I marry who sia?" But I politely said yeah and went for the kebab queue after that to get out of the conversation. But no, that's not the end because he told me about how he saved up for his wedding and his wife, Kak Ain, gave tips of how to get vendors and the such. Abang Din spent about 30K for his under the block wedding and that's not even counting the hantaran/dulangs. Lol.

Anyway, the wedding. It was okay, bit boring except for the live band playing tunes by Ed Sheeran and I Choose You by Sara Bareilles. We had to stay the whole day 'cause this is Dad's side of the family. We basically just sat there eating Churros and Kebabs the whole time, hahaha. The food made me have a stomach ache after I had it for lunch so I stuck to Churros and the desserts table. Pulot Hitam all the way, a favourite since young! :3

Photo Booth with free flow of photo takes.

Farah enjoyed this one hahaha.

Now I like salted caramel flavour because of this Churros!

*heart eyes*

Lol, also in picture, I kepit under my ketiak the purse Ahmad got for me from Batam lol.

Back to work on the following Monday going through the curriculum with Val and the boss, yada yada, freaking out in the resource room because of dead cockroaches lying around because we had to loan and return the toys, setting up the dramatic corner. Stressing now because I'm doing all the task cards and shit.

I split my days to two, from morning to about 6pm, I do work related stuff. 6pm onwards, I work on my assignment. Sounds like a good plan ya. So far, I've done my planning and task cards, which I need to print and I pray hard I have enough printer ink because I'm not willing to buy as I'm saving for my December holiday trip to Thailand. :B

Then on this coming Polling Day Friday, I'm on duty as the polling agent for 4 hours. I've never voted before so this is like, a new experience. *shocked face* Of course I'd rather stay home, vote and stay home again but I'd like this experience. :p

So that's about how my one week holiday started. Can't wait for the December holidays because it's longer and because of my trip but also dreading the December holidays because I'm back to owning my own classroom again. T.T

Luckily this year, my work did not get in the way of my assignments because my workload was not as much as last year. Not sure about next year though. But I'll take it as it comes. :)

Oh, my birthday just passed and I'm 24 now, a year away to being a quarter of a century old. Just the other day my family and me went to Labrador park for under an hour after our seafood dinner and while Farah and Farhana were playing with the see-saw, my parents and me were looking out at the sea.

Conversation:
Dad: *hugs my shoulders* Dah besar la my daughter..
Mum: Umie dah kahwin bile umur kau tau..
Me: Really?
Dad: *thinks* Tak la, you 25 baru kahwin.
Mum: Oh ah2 la. Lagi satu tahun.
Dad: When you finish your degree? Next year right?
Me: *thinking here we go again* Ya............
Dad: Then next year you kahwin la.
Me: *does the buzzer tet sound* Tak nak la, masih ade hutang dengan bank. Settle all the hutang then can kahwin.
Dad: Ahmad dah save brape?
Me: *giggles* 5K.
Dad and Mum: *laugh*

Conversations of this nature have been coming up a lot lately and it's probably because I'm of marrying age. But seriously, it's different when you're thinking it and when you're talking about it. It won't be anytime soon but until then, I'm gonna focus on my career and education. If I want to be a role model for my kids, I have to build my own success first. :)

Okay! Gotta get back to work. Sidetracked for too long! May y'all be in the best of health, InsyaAllah. Do I still have readers, lol????

Salam!

Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane

My neighbours told me that I got bad brains

But I'm alright though, yeah we're alright though

Cause we're the kings and the queens of the new broken scene

But we're alright though

They say we're losers and we're alright with that

We are the leaders of the not coming backs

But we're alright though, yeah we're alright though

We are the kings and the queens of the new broken scene

But we're alright though