It's 1.53am right now. I was watching Three Cheers For Five Years tutorials when I stumbled upon this and almost cried. Because you can just hear how much he really means the song through the way he sang it and the way his fingers played with eagerness and confidence.

I just can't help but share. I cried. I was touched. I swear.

This lovely boy was super sweet and funny and crazy and everything nice to me today, especially during the workshop. Ade je tangan die nak kacau. Nak tickle my kaki la, elbow my thigh la. Haha. & I finally took a good look at the camera he bought me. Heh, heh. Can't wait for a chance to put it to good use. :D Can't thank the boyfriend enough. Just looking at the camera lifts my spirits sky high. Hahaha.

So I got fed-up with my long hair yesterday and told Liyana that I wanna cut my hair. She told me that the salon under her block, hair cut = $3.80 aje. I was like, awesome, can! So that was where I went after the marketing workshop today. It rained heavily. & I took 969 with Syai, who for the past few days, has been feeling very down. We did have a talk though. I met Syai and Azhar for breakfast before my workshop. & Syai confided in us. Everything. Even what he found yesterday, which also came as a shock to him, but not to me. Ku dah agak la, maaf kate ye Syai, if you're reading this. But I feel, and I'm sure Azhar will agree with me, that you really must forget her. It's one sided, you were giving 100% but she wasn't. I'm not gonna talk about age, but I think it's all about maturity. But anyway, it's over. So you must try and move on, okay? I know it isn't easy, but you must try. You'd never know till you try. No matter how long it takes, 2 years, 4 years, eternity, a girl like her does not deserve someone like you. You deserve way better. Remember, if there's anything, you know my number. :)

Anyway, yeah, I cut my hair! Short!!! Like, way shorter than I've ever cut it. You guys can only just imagine it. 'cause I will never post a picture of me here. Muaaaaaaaahahahahahaha. :p

I also took a shower at Liyana's house, CAUSE SHE FORCED ME! I kept scratching my hair after the hair cut, and she say I look like beruk. -.- That aside, I finally met Boboy. Up there!! Hehehehe.

&, the perfect end to my day. These loverly egg tarts from KFC. Superbly delicious. *smacks lips* Yummmmmmmmzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!

Awesome day yesterday with the Coralites. Kecoh-kecoh raya.

Pretty much enjoyed myself. Hee.

Gave Natasha a surprise call at Shanghai. She was mad happy.

Hehe. :D

& today, I went out with my babyboy and he bought me this. We went to Haji Lane at first for the Holga, but decided to settle for this at Vivo. Did I mention that this is my birthday present from him? Hee. Ku happy banget! I brought Farah's lomo camera along for fun, and as cute-looking as it was, Ahmad still carried it around and took photos. Enjoyed myself to the max today, making him laugh and giggle and joking around with him. Layan die punye merepek jugak. (Die yang ajak action beli kereta, abeh kite nak ikotkan, die tak jadi nak action. HAHA!) Thank you so much, baby, for today, and for the present!!! Saaaaaayang you!

Awesome past two days! <3

Don't Talk To Strangers

Muaaaahahahahahaha, can't deny she's awesome. :D

Will update about today's jalan raya another time.

Very tired right now. Nights!

Don't talk to strangers
'Cause they're only there to do you harm
Don't write in starlight
'Cause the words may come out real

That's When I Love You

Thahirah and Rafi were awesome last night!!!

Personally love this picture lotzz. Heh.

Wish there was someone I could stay up with to live through the throbbing pain in my heart.

Hurts like fuck.

& I made the mistake of looking at someone's Facebook profile and photos.

Menyesal to the max sekarang.

Jalan raya with the gang tomorrow.

Hope there won't be any awkward moments. Not looking forward to that one.

:S

When you have to look away

When you dont have much to say

That's when I love you

I love you, just that way

I love this shot Liyana took of me. Thanks, babe!

Recently, I've had many shots of me that I like, and really want to use as Facebook profile picture. But I just couldn't come to a decision of which one to use. Haha.

I felt like a nurse today.

I saw my aunt fully naked for the first time in my life.

Helped her to the toilet in the middle of the night.

Got the toilet wheelchair wheel locked but couldn't unlock. Bugger.

She tak nak cebok pakai air, so pakai tissue. -.-

Degil, so takpe, ikotkan je la eh.

Dah keluar, die nak ice pack pulak.

Cari kat Freezer Nombor 1 takde.

Rupenye kat Freezer Nombor 2.

So I gave her the square ice pack.

Skali she want the rectangle ice pack.

So I gave that.

Then, she wanna sit depan kipas in her wheelchair.

By then, patience dah running thin.

Lepas tu, nak baring atas katil pulak!

Takpe, sayang nye pasal, ikotkan.

Abeh, skejap lagi, die panggil.

Nak morphine pulak.

While giving her the morphine, she suddenly talked to empty space.

In the middle of the night, SIAPE TAK FREAK OUT?!?!

Buat bodoh je, dengan tangan menggigil, kasi die morphine.

Nak gi dapur pon takot-takot. -.-

Dah minum morphine die, die baring.

Skejap lagi, die panggil lagi.

Suroh letak ice pack die dalam freezer.

Lepas tu baru la yours truly dapat peace.

Begini lah cerita ku pada tengah malam 22 September ini.

Kesabaran aku diuji, betolbetol diuji.

Hehe, tapi tak marah. Hehe. Hehe.

Maybe because I good mood.

Good mood yang teramat sekali.

Hehehehehehehe.

Pasalllll, the people in my life, are the sweetest I can ever have. :)

& I'm so very thankful for that.

<3

I promise myself that from this point onwards, I will be strong.

I will face everything with every ounce of courage I still have.

I will do whatever I can, with everything I have, to make her last days happy.

I will keep smiling and not let her see a single tear roll down my cheek.

& I know that Allah is not blind to her pain, and ours.

P.S Nenek Romia, knowing that she could see you sent a million of mixed emotions through me. Because for a moment there, I wished that I was in her place, being able to see you there. :'(

You should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.

I Miss You

Allah itu adil.

Remember that, Faz.

Be strong and take it in your stride.

I know your in a better place yeah

But I wish that I could see your face oh

I know where you need to be

Even though it's not here with me

Tentang Rasa

I had tremendous fun the past two days. Though it tired me out. Met up with Natasha too today like finallyyyyy!!!!! Vivocity, where I got approached by some mixed ang moh salesguy about a heat pack before I met Natasha, and he looked at my chest area even though I was wearing a tudung! Vad faen, seriously.

Well, as you can see, I got to take a picture with the cutest grandmother I've ever known. It was hilarious how Ahmad teased her. You can just see how close their bond is. For a moment there, I felt really jealous of him. Imagine eh, being jealous of your own boyfriend/girlfriend. But I really was, not gonna lie. I argued with my sis earlier about our grandma. She said I was lucky that at least she knew me and I knew her. But I argued back that I had no memories of her. But she says it still counts 'cause at least she knew me. I lost. But shit, it doesn't count when you don't remember ever breathing her scent, or hugging her, or being kissed by her, or even salam-ing her. No, for me, it doesn't.

So, Ahmad, you're really lucky to have her. & thank you for today. :)

Off to IKEA tomorrow. & Ya Kun Kaya, after a month! Woohoohoohoohoohoohoo x726329723498

Dapatkah selamanya kita bersama

Menyatukan perasaan kau dan aku

Semoga cinta kita kekal abadi

Sesampainya akhir nanti selamanya

This guy has never failed to make everyone smile.

I hope things get better for him.

My aunt is not getting better. She's not back till now. I had a talk with Ayah Long this afternoon. I've never talked this much with him before, or been soooooo *roll eyes all the time* with him. He's funny, but also a little annoying. As in like, you can't help but be sarcastic with him sometimes. Haha. Anyway, he told me about my aunt's condition. She's more like waiting for her time to die now. :( That majorly hurts.

I need to be strong but sometimes, I can't help but break down. Even when I'm facing Him in my prayers, when I'm reminded of the reality, I just can't stop crying. I've never felt the true loss of someone. When someone passes away, it was when I was too young to feel true grief. But now, anticipating it makes me scared. That it could happen anytime, that it will happen at any time.

Busy week ahead. I'm glad because it takes my mind off everything right now. Especially the selfish people under my roof.

Training tomorrow, after which, raya at Nabilah's house. I'm gonna be damn tired.

Speaks volumes.

September

I'll update this space with pictures of today before I start emo-ing. Today was our official first day of celebrating Aidilfitri. Why? Because the first day started horribly. I think I cried oceans of tears.

My sick aunt with cancer, had a fit yesterday. Right after we came back from Eid prayers, right after we had our meal, she started vomitting, and a while later, her mouth went senget and she started talking to empty space. Her fingers were like, I don't know how to describe it. Her face, her expression, all these images are etched in my mind, but there is no way I can describe them.

Everyone cried the whole day. My mum, grandpa, sis, and the relatives who came to bace Yasin, Doa Angin Ahmar and whatever selawat there is. Cause we all thought she was going to go. She was talking to empty space, and she said my arwah nenek was there in the house. & she was just, acting weird. She requested to meet all my relatives, which was why they were there. My uncles, aunts. She salam-ed every one of us, even the kids, and the babies. It was so heartbreaking. I was so scared. Cause I wasn't prepared for this at all.

They sent my sick aunt to the hospital. After everyone left, and it was just me, my sis, my maid and Aisyah at home, I prayed, and fell asleep crying, fearing what is to come. Woke up again to pray Asar and started crying again everytime I looked at Aisyah. Around maghrib, my parents came home, and they said my aunt was fine. She just lacked oxygen. So after praying Isya', we went to KK to visit her. She was all smiles. The memory that hurt was that while she was in her fit state, she grinned widely at us and told us not to cry. But at the hospital, I broke down in her arms, and she patted and stroke my head. I cried again in the car, till I got home. At home, cried again and again, the images of her face never leaving my mind's eye.

& today, I found out that the cancer had reached her skull. It was one of the reasons why she had a fit. There could be more in future, who knows? There is also a possibility that it could reach her brain. Sigh.

I woke up with swollen eyes this morning, but with a dream I'll remember for a long time. But then again, dreams and reality are two different things. Still, it was that dream that made me cheer up. It's like, the best dream I've had in a while. Hmm.

I guess I will have to learn and accept the reality now. "Ade hikmah di sebalik orang yang sakit." Hmm.

Everyone, hope you're having a blast. :)

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

The years go by and the time just seems to fly by

But the memories remain

In the middle of September

We'd still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everyting to gain

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

Bunga api on Tuesday night.

Kevin joined us.

Damn sparklers are the whistling kind. Tsk3.

We had many explosions of all sorts.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my Muslim friends!

If I've every done any of you wrong, and I know I have, please do forgive me.

I know that in the past year, I haven't been a good person.

I get angry easily, I get frustrated easily

Whatever shit that happened in my life, I just couldn't accept it.

But then, who could?

Anyway, that's not the point.

I know that sometimes my words can hurt the people I love, or offend them, or anger them and things like that.

Therefore, I would like to apologize for all my mistakes towards any of you.

:)

I love you all!

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir & Batin!

Please Don't Go

To Ahmad Mustaqim Bin Muhammad Abdul Halim,

13 months!

Or should I say, 1 year 1 month. Hehe.

I love you, dearest. You've never failed to make me feel better.

Baby, please don't go

If I wake up tomorrow, will you still be here

I don't know if you feel the way I do

If you leave, I'm gonna find you

Baby, please don't go go go go

For The Nights I Can't Remember

Special thank yous from this 19 year old, who doesn't even feel 19, for all the messages, facebook wishes on her profile and well, everything.

& thank you to Liyana for the Korean version of the birthday song over the phone which had me laughing like crazy.

But whatever it is, thank you so much everyone for even bothering to wish me a happy birthday.

Much loves, Fazzzzz.

And what if I never said to you I was dynamite

And what if I never told you I'm afraid to cry

What if I never let you down

And said I'm sorry for the nights I can't remember

What if I never said to you I would try

Wake Me Up When September Ends

The bed of my childhood. I wanted to keep it. I wanted it for my children.

I guess that little dream wouldn't come true then.

I don't feel home anymore.

It's turned into a hotel, bank, childcare centre, free food centre, hospital and what else?!

It's natural that I'd feel tired of everything, so you can't blame me.

& it's hard for me when people don't listen everytime I want to say something.

So don't blame me if I choose to shut up.

I feel a fever rising, and my brain feels like it's about to explode.

As my memory rests

But never forgets what I lost

Wake me up when September ends