When You're Gone

So I met Snow White and her Dwarf today with their two midgets. Haha. Story: I was alone at home after sending Farah to school, and Mum went to the office for some meeting or something. I got a random call from Dwarf and he asked me if I've eaten and stuff. Then when he found out I was alone at home, he asked if I wanted to meet him and Snow White at White Sands. Like duh, I'm always up for meeting them. Hehe. So we met, and decided to lunch at Mad Jack. After a while, I called Sisto and asked her if she wanted to join us. She was practically yelling on the phone, "OMG, I LOVE MAD JACK'S BAKED RICE!" kind of thing, ya know. So she joined us. At around 5, I left them at Mad Jack to head back home to fetch Farah. Nafisah surprised me with a hug from behind. & when I turned to face her, this big gust of wind blew her tudung over and covered her face. I laughed like crazy. HAHAHA!!!! So when the bus came and I got Farah with me (excitedly talking about her homework), I brought her back to Mad Jack to meet the rest. And the picture up there, was what Dwarf bought for her.

I hate these kind of toys which you'll have to build from scratch. I was damn irritated with it, seriously. They just won't connect together, especially the slide and the blue roof. I started on it at about 7 all the way until 10, including pasting the stickers and whatever nonsense. If I ever have a son, I'll get my husband to do this nonsense for him. HAHAHA!!! :p

I didn't know Mr. Australia still reads my blog. I feel ever so touched. :p *pink blob shaking its sexy butt here*

I've started to adjust a little. Although it tires me out and makes me feel like a wife/mother the whole time, I've decided that maybe this could be a good thing for us all. We'll just need to give Farah some time to move on. :)

I've never felt this way before

Everything that I do reminds me of you

And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor

And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

Wow, I must have been pretty emotional yesterday, huh? I hardly remember what happened yesterday except for a lot of crying. Haha. Biasa ah, bro. Kalau tak nangis, tu bukan Fazlun. But well, I thought a lot about what happened lately and I just thought that maybe, it's good that this happened. Because, we finally know who are the ones who would stay when we need help, and who are the ones who wouldn't. Pretty people showed their true ugly colours now. About time. :)

But I don't really care, actually. It's not like we asked for help, anyway. I have my family by my side, that's more than enough. Farah's fine, I guess. We came up with as much excuses as we could, haha. Sometimes, she cries and becomes very stubborn, and Sisto, always being the impatient one, would scold Farah. But me, I guess I have to be the water when there's 2 fire bushes burning up in front of me. Hahahaha. It actually was kinda fun, having the role of authority. Listen to me and shut up, kinda thing. But being the eldest does have its disadvantages: TV.

I want to watch KBS but Farah wants to watch Disney Channel or CartoonNetwork. & if I don't tune to the channel she wants, she'll kick up some tornado of a tantrum. And when I say kick, it's for real. I think she should play in an all-girls soccer team. She has the legs and strength for it. LOL.

Actually, whatever that happened lately, wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I think I just overreacted or something. You know me, always so negative. But I've seen some positive things over what happened and I think we'll be just fine.

I guess I've cheered up some today. Well, going down for GNK cheered me up a lot. Especially when you have Liyana, Haikal, Fahmi and Amirul to joke around with after that. We sat at Banquet for an hour plus or so, and then Fahmi and myself headed for GSM practice at Emily Hill. I think that by the end of next week, I'll probably earn myself some leg muscles or something. The hike up Emily Hill drives me crazy. What's worse, it's gonna be intensive practice starting this Friday onwards. I'm gonna die, man, climbing up the steep stairs. The up side is that the place, has lots and lots and lots of cats. Heh.

Balinese is fine, so far. EXCEPT for Pendet. That song can just drive me crazy. I play by memory, and worse, Mei Yin and Mazlan are so far away from me so I can't see which note they're hitting. I got so freaking lost just now. But Pak Alit is always so nice. Why is he always so nice?! I feel so bad whenever I make a mistake and all he does is smile and laugh at me. Macam die simpan marah. Tak bagos seh gitu. I salute him for his patience, seriously. I was probably just too tired just now. B kept saying my face looks so pale. Hmm. But 4 songs are almost tight already, major achievement!!! :D:D:D:D:D Gong ain't as easy as it seems, trust me.

This is the final sprint. Just one more week, and it'll be over and done with. Not forgetting the 4th April show at Nanyang Primary. There'll be interaction with the kids, gosh that'll be so awesome. Hahahaha.

Well, I guessed I've really cheered up a lot. Take care, guys. Always be in the best of health, alright? :)

In just 4 months since Angah's departure, so many problems hit this family.

But I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.

Only Allah knows best.

So whatever comes our way, we have to accept it.

I just hope for the strength to overcome it.

Someone told me this today:

There's nothing you can do by crying sadly. It's just something written by Allah 50000 years ago.

You just have to learn to move on.

At that point, I couldn't absorb the words because I was crying too hard.

But now, I think he's right.

Sometimes, you just need someone to remind you.

My commitments are really clashing with my family problems right now.

I just wish someone could understand how much I really need people to be mature and understand the situation I'm in.

It's not that I don't want to be there, I just can't no matter how much I want to be there.

You don't know what kind of stress I'm under right now.

Well, nights.

I was in the bus yesterday, returning from the photoshoot at school when he told me he was online, and I happened to have arrived at Pasir Ris so I rushed home faster. & we skyped for a while. But it was good enough for me 'cause he was very entertaining with the hair and the complaints. :p

So, the maulid just ended a while ago. Liyana came and finally met Ummi Aisyah. Hehehe. First time bringing a friend to "my world". Hahahaha. The maulid was full force. Zikir, Burdah, Asmaul Husna and the normal songs we always do. The most epic part is Liyana's shocked face when the first song started and the women played drums. Her mouth was hanging open, like shocked and jakon. I was singing away but laughing 'cause her face was so funny. She said, "Ni dah macam orang kahwin." LOOOOL. & I saw on her twitter, she said that it was like arabian night here. HAHAHA!! Cute sia she.

But at the same time, the BBQ was ongoing at Pasir Ris Park. I felt bad about not going cause I missed the last one and the boys are always organizing these BBQs for the group. But what can I do when the date coincided with an important event at my house? People need to understand that. I would have forgone the maulid had it not been for the thinking that I needed the do'a. Not just for my sake, but for my family. I tried to persuade my mum, and she said, "Which is more important, BBQ with your friends or do'a?" & it's true anyway. I don't regret not going for the BBQ, because there was a lot of do'a. & of course, because of Ummi Aisyah. :)

I can't wait for the 14th.

But first, the 4th and 8th and 9th. I'm such a busy woman ever since joining the professional Gamelan groups. It does tire me out, but the busier I am, the less I think about the problems that really bug me.

Okay, this is a post longer than I had planned. Well, take care ya'll. :D

I'm really tired.

That's all I can say.

Do whatever you wanna do.

There are very few people that I can trust now.

Very. Few.

& ya know, sometimes, people just really need to GROW UP.

Goodnight.

Today was one of the happiest days of my life.

It's a day I wouldn't trade anything in this world.

I waited 10 years for this.

I waited 10 years for answers.

Allah has granted my wish.

Alhamdulillah.

I can sleep with a smile on my face tonight.

Remember Allah, and Allah will remember you.

Forget about Him, and you'll be forgotten too.

Sometimes, it gets harder to be patient.

& even with my level of tolerance, I doubt I can hold in my anger further.

You can be rude with me, you can be sarcastic with me.

But push my buttons harder, and you'll feel the wrath you'll regret feeling.

You can be whatever you wanna be, I don't care.

You can go to hell, I don't care.

I am done here, reminding you and all that shit.

Because obviously you don't bloody care.

So why should I waste my breath?

I may not be perfect, I may not be much of a good person either.

But tolerating this each and every day is more than I can take

There is nowhere I can vent now.

You can go ahead and swear at me.

You can go ahead and curse at me.

But one thing for sure, you'll get your karma.

& that's the day I await.

I've always been patient, I've always been silent when it comes to people hurting me. Because I have always believed what the Prophet has taught us:

Biar orang buat jahat pada kita, jangan kita buat jahat pada mereka.

Allah is not blind to what I am feeling right now.

The tears that fall every single night.

You don't know how much it fucking hurts to be me.

I don't even know where to begin or how. All I want is simply for everything to be over and done with. No more police calls, no more visits to the lawyer, no more arguing, no more sorting of evidences/receipts, no more stress for both my parents. This whole period is putting a lot on their shoulders and even though sometimes I disagree with my mother's tactics, I want everything to just quickly end and have Aisyah back with us.

I pity Farah, that's all. Just this morning, I woke up suddenly because Farah was coughing her throat out and even vomited. & in the afternoon, we found out that Aisyah was also sick with a fever. When Aisyah was in our care, she was rarely ever sick. & as soon as she's away from us, she's sick. Sigh.

Well, I know, everything happens for a reason right?

I just have to keep praying hard for this to all be over soon.

The only thing I'm looking forward to is Ummi Aisyah will be sleeping over at my place on the 12th and 13th, which is this Saturday and Sunday! Like, woohoo! & her youngest daughter's wedding is on the 15th of April and hopefully, if all goes well, we'll be going for the wedding! :D:D I get to see Zein and Idruz again!

I'm like, sipping on Tom Yam soup right now and it's my 4th bowl. It's so delicious I can't stop getting more. Well, I guess I should be going to bed now. Have to wake up early to clean up the house for Ummi Aisyah's arrival. Heh heh heh.

Alright then, take care all! :)

19th :)

Everything is so messed up right now. They're playing law with my family. Mum is half panicked, half angered, half crazy, for being wrongly accused. I just really feel like meeting that man and punching the lights out of him. We've found every evidence we could possibly get our hands on, and they're all not in the man's favour.

Farah is running a high fever. We have a feeling that Aisyah is sick too. The two girls have always been very close, even if they always fought with each other.

I can't believe this is happening, you know?

Thank you for the call and the 19th month wish.

You made my night better.

<3

I know the feeling of betrayal by friends.

& betrayal of love.

Now, I finally really truly know,

that even family can betray you.

Bringing the police to my doorstep without a warrant?

You people are such no-brain losers.

God, I wish Mum would get back quickly.

I'm like, living in fear even though there's nothing to fear.

But my maid makes the house seem so vulnerable.

Gaaaaaaaaaaah.

I think if my family's drama were to become a TV family drama series, it'd probably be a big hit.

You keep appearing in my dreams,

it makes me sad.