I hope you'll never stop loving me.

Because with you, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

How I found you, how you found me, I'll never quite be able to figure out.

But I hope that whatever we have never stops.

The future is an uncertain space but as long as I have you...

I'll brave through whatever's ahead.

I hope to make the 5 year plan work.

:)

I've been feeling pretty emotional lately.

Which explains the above.

So I'll update properly the next chance I get.

But at the moment, just leave me be with my emotions.

I've said before that 2014 hasn't been good to me.

But I'm hopeful that 2015 will be better. InsyaAllah.

Bad times don't last forever, right? :)

Till the next post, InsyaAllah. :3

Salam! One more month to the end of 2014. How time flies by so incredibly fast. All I can say is it had been a tough year for me. I ended my diploma course officially and for the first time since I embarked on my teaching career, I took on a challenge to own and set up my own classroom. & boy, it was a damn challenge. But if it wasn't for the support system I had, I would have crumbled a long time ago. All I had to think of was who I was doing all this for. Without my parents, I would not be here. Without them, I am nothing. :3

It's been a while since I featured him here. He has been very, very busy with school lately but that's okay. I've been busy too. Busy catching up with my sleep at home. Hahaha. Actually no, I was spending the past week revamping my room with my sister. We just got a sofa bed and a few shelves for better organisation. The sofa bed is the best! Such a space saver.

I actually don't know why I'm posting, but just to fill up the silence. Sigh. I miss the person who used to blog every single day. I'm too busy now. :(

Till the next post, whenever that would be. InsyaAllah.

Graduation Concert '14 is finally over!!!!!

Kudos to the kids for their efforts!

 The boy who can make me vomit blood.

He was the last person to get his face painting done.

A few minutes before his dance, he wiped the whole chunk of painting off his face on his shirt.

Tell me how I don't feel like ripping off my tudung in anger.

-.-

This year, as a form teacher, I learnt that every teacher needs a teacher's pet.

This is mine.

The one and only child in my class who would offer me help.

Who would remind me about things I may forget to do like opening the windows, taking attendance in the red file, writing the day and date on the board.

He'd help me give out worksheets, communication books, whatever.

He's the perfect role model for the class.

I think I would have long gone crazy with this class if I didn't have his help.

I love you long time, Ern Kang. 

& I will always remember you as my best student. :3

After SPARK, I've been busy with the above.

When we practise at the amphitheatre stage so that the kiddos can have a feel of what the stage will be like, the whole stretch of blocks probably heard me shouting at them.

Sorry, guys. Teacher Siti is such a perfectionist; sometimes she forgets the kids are... well, kids.

Anywaysssss

PORTFOLIO PERIOD IS HERE!!!!!!

Due to all the hoo-haa with SPARK, I did not even touch my portfolios.

I'm dead for sure. Have to burn the remainder of the term with portfolios.

Till the next time, guys.

I'm in a much better mood now that SPARK is over.

I hope to find myself back together again.

:)

Get It Right

At Gardenasia 2 weeks back :B

I'm at my wits end and just need to rant. So many things on my plate and partner not even in town for 10 days and the assessors are coming next week on the 16th! I can't blame them but you know this year is Spark year, you know it can either be pushed forward or backward, yet you still dare to go. If it were me, I wouldn't go. Not with the kind of team I have, sad to say.

But whatever, all I can say is I've tried my best to help you. If you think it's not enough when you come back, that would be your problem. Your room is a mess, we can't even help you find stuff.

I'm just gonna see what she says when she comes back. 

I've been staying back in class after hours and I keep finding myself weeping tears. I'm just really tired. Just one more week to go. Please, please hang on, Faz.

I just have to stay and face my mistakes

But if I get stronger and wiser,

I'll get through this

I like this picture. :)

I'm pretty stressed out right now. With SPARK assessment coming up anytime, realising I lost my thumb drive that had my water play lesson plans and other curriculum related stuff, having activities that are not good enough at my learning centres.... I'm pretty choked to the neck.

I gave myself a deadline. By the Saturday before Hari Raya Haji, all my curriculum paper work has to be done. Which basically means burning midnight oil everyday. But it's okay because I wanna get SPARK done once and for all.

I have a lot of things to rant about, and I don't even know where to begin. My long hiatus is unforgivable, to me, but I've been really, really busy and tired. I guess this is what adulthood's all about. You have the money but less time and energy to do things you love.

The only things I love and was able to retain is piano and gamelan. I'm afraid to drop either because they're my only escape from the stresses I'm under.

Sigh. I wouldn't say I'm not happy about the direction I'm going right now. But I guess I gotta have faith in Allah's plan for me. He wouldn't put more on my shoulders if He knows I wouldn't be able to bear it. :)

Until the next post, InsyaAllah.

In the midst of all the things stressing me out,

I forgot to remember the one thing I keep trying to do.

Having trust and faith.

It's always me and my stupid insecurities.

You're one to preach, Faz.

You can't even do it well.

Nicely done, Faz.

Ruined everything.

Just can't forgive myself.

I'm starting to forget the person I used to be.

I'm losing myself in all the work I'm sucked into.

I honestly can't take it anymore.

You And I

5 years have passed so quickly.
Felt like yesterday that we sat at the pagoda in Chinese Garden with Syai
Where I poured my whole heart out and told you the truth
Yet, you're still here, always here for me.
& for that, I can never thank you enough for loving me just the way I am.

I hope I can be that girl for you.
I hope I can be the one for you.
No matter how hard I try to, I know my shortcomings.
I am, but a girl, after all.
I admire you for your patience these past 5 years.
& I hope to have that patience to be the best for you.

Thank you for the past 5 years.
Thank you for everything.
You've been the best.
& you always will be.
No matter what the future holds, as long as you're here, I will be too.
I love you, Ahmad Mustaqim.

You are my hope for tomorrow 

The only one who knows the real me 

The person who reached deep down 

And pulled me up through the dark waters 

You are my hope for tomorrow 

The safety net of my sanity 

The light at the end of my dark tunnel 

Who brightens my path away from demons 

 You are my hope for tomorrow 

A cord or silver links use 

It grows brighter and stronger 

Until the day it is complete

All of the stars

You make them shine like they were ours

Ain't nobody in the world but you and I

You and I

To sum up the past two days. :)

Salam Aidilfitri!

I seek forgiveness from the bottom of my heart,

for any wrongdoings that I have committed

to you, against you, deliberately or otherwise.

:)

Right now, I'm missing my late grandmother and aunt.

Missing them so terribly.

:(

Last Night

Salam!!

Time flies so fast when you're having fun. It's too soon that this little girl turned 5. And me, soon to be 23. I feel super old already.

Anyway, the picture above was from last night. How this little girl evolved from the bundle of cries back in 2009. Hahahaha. Now, she's really good at sulking with her pouting mouth. She can spell her name. And she's such a glutton. I forgot to buy her a birthday present so I negotiated with her yesterday.

Me: Cha, Ahlong terlupa nak belikan Chacha present la.
Keisha: Abeh?
Me: Ahlong kasi Chacha bile Kakak punye birthday boleh?
Keisha: Boleh. Kakak birthday 23.
Me: 23 what?
Keisha: August. *walks away*
Me: *in awe*

The kids grow up too fast. They get smarter too fast. I missed the days when I'd tease her non-stop and bite her super fat chubby cheeks. And also tease her with food. Pretend to feed her but the food will go into my mouth. How she'll cry and sulk so much that I'd eventually give her food.

And then!

Keisha: *walks past me*
Me: *catch her in my arms* Jom amek gambar!
Keisha: *struggle* Later!

A while later....

Keisha: *walks to her Mama who was behind me*
Me: Cha, Ahlong nak cake.
Keisha: Later!

A while later...

Me: Keisha! Sini! Hug Ahlong.
Keisha: Later!

Irritating sia her 'later'. She must have learnt it from her parents or brothers. Hmph.

Anyway, wishing her a blissful and happy life growing up. I hope to be able to be there for her and her sister and Farah as they grow up together. May Keisha be blessed with happiness and good health. Amin.

I had a really weird dream last night. I occasionally get this type of dreams in a year. It's so weird. And scary. Hmm.

Life has been stressful. Colleagues have been angering me lately although I put on a fake smile. I just got off the phone with my boss. Called her at the wrong time 'cause she was in the toilet, hahahaha. But it was important so ya. The Sparks period has officially started. I foresee a very busy me ahead. I wonder if I will even have the time for GSM. I promised to commit but looking at my schedule scares me so much. I'm so afraid I'll get a physical and mental breakdown from the toll it will take on me, my mind and body. Sigh.

I'll take it in stride and have faith that Allah will give me the strength I need to move forward.

Wish me luck as I start this stressful journey for the next few months.

Oh and I made new friends at my degree induction programme. They even took down my number 'cause they wanted to open a whatsapp group. Well, not too bad. :)

I'm gonna go. Piano class starts soon at 1.45pm. I think I'm only blogging to release my feelings. Hahaha. Who cares 'bout readers anymore? I'll probably start baking hair raya goodies next week so yay for cooking posts! Till the next post, InsyaAllah! Salam!

Wake up in the morning 

With the sunlight in my eyes, 

No, my head don't feel so bright, 

What the hell happened last night?

Salam!

It's been 2 years! 2 flying-past-your-face years!

Of what?

Of me being a kindergarten teacher. :) :D

I started officially right after the June holidays in 2012.  2nd July to be exact, but I just wanted to post today because I'll be busy tomorrow!

2 years, it has been!

Wow. I'm amazed.

2 years of being amazed by children all the time, 2 years of listening to conflicts among the teachers, 2 years of the gossip, 2 years of the rumours, 2 years of watching oldies argue.

Between these 2 years, I've been pushed around, betrayed (slightly), badmouthed and bullshit-ed around. But these 2 years have taught me many, many things that I wouldn't trade with any others.

& of course, not to mention that my memory got poorer over the years. I have no idea why. Zzz...

Nevertheless, it has been an interesting and wonderful journey, what with juggling assignments with work, especially the things that boss asked me to do back then because I was so "free". And when I got my own class last year for the first quarter, how I struggled! I had quite a shock because I pictured it to be smooth but that's how I learnt things, the hard way of course. Aside from that, the love I got from my children last year; Wayn, Jessica, Nathania, Matin.... and all the rest, of course. Their love inspired me, their love and innocence made this tough job all the more bearable. Not to forget their parents, too! Their support, understanding and genuine concern for the teachers of their children made everything bearable last year. I miss them all.

Last year was a breeze, but not all things are easy. This year has been a tough one.  With my studies being over, more things were thrown on my plate, and unfairness came my way.

But it's okay.

You may take away the glory of my achievements, but you can never take credit for them. :)

I super side-tracked! But anyway, to more years of teaching, InsyaAllah. Though I can't say I'm truly happy with the workload I have right now, I am happy at where I'm standing. That I've at least achieved something to make my parents proud.

Graduation is in October. Can't wait. This time, I'm gonna do a photoshoot with my family in my graduation gown. :B

Till here. Salam! :3

Even at this age, I never really knew when my grandpa's birthday was.

Not till today.

I don't know if I'm just not being a good granddaughter or it's just the family situation.

Anyway,

To the only grandparent I've ever known:

No one else can take your place in my heart.

No matter what you did in the past, or what happens in the future,

you will always be my grandpa.

You will always be my Tok Bak.

Happy 77th birthday.

I pray that you live a long life, to see Ramadhan this year,

and the next, and the next.

I still remember what you said to me last Eid.

& I will pray for that.

For you to see your grandchildren grow up, and your great-grandchildren.

InsyaAllah.

:)

Almost Here

Salam all.

I know it's been a while, and I also regret that I haven't been posting much because there's just so much feelings coursing through me right now. All the things that I've kept bottled up and never having the time to let them out. I know it's not good to keep things in, that's why I always rely on my blog to let it out a little, if not all. But sometimes, it's just the time and body of mine that doesn't allow me to post something a day.

My whole family went to Johor today while I was stuck here in SG doing work and going for piano. I had lunch alone at home after going to Drive 6 to buy western food after piano class to bring home. Heated up the ayam baker that Ummi Aisyah and sat in the TV room to eat. Watched Godzilla too while I was at it. And that was when I suddenly missed these 2 people who've left and disappeared from my life respectively.

No words can really express how much I miss them. Angah, because her presence will never return again. Oh how I wish I could show her the pictures and videos of my work, my children. I'd bet she'd laugh at the cuteness I see everyday. I'd bet she'd be proud of all our achievements thus far. She has always believed in education, believed that it could provide a better life for us because she didn't have one. I still remember her telling me in sign language to study hard and make my parents proud. I hope now I have. I've been through so much to be where I am now. I hope among them all, she'd be one of those who'd be proud of me. I hope she knows I miss her everyday. #deep

& I hope he knows what he's doing. Disappeared completely from the face of the earth after reappearing for a year in our lives. I told myself I'd stop missing him, I'd stop crying for him to come back but I just can't. I miss him. He was a great big part of my childhood that his disappearance affected me more than my sister. I'd give anything to have him back with our family again. I wonder if you think of us as much as we think of you. Or maybe, as much as I think of you. I don't miss your wife, or your kids, but I miss you. Just you. Family comes first, blood runs thicker than water. We were there for you before her. And whatever happened in the past should stay in the past. Why can't you make your wife understand that? 

So if you don't turn up again this year, it'd be the 3rd Raya since you last spent it with us.

Hey, what's new right?

I'll just drown myself in my work this week. There's not much left to do except the shelf and reorganising of the room. Boss still left that stupid huge Pro-flair table in my room because the pipes were leaking and flooded the room, so my room is still a bit of a mess.

I'm just feeling so sad right now. Until the next time, guys. 

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you, you're almost here

And I know that's not enough

And when I'm with you, I'm close to tears

'cause you're only almost here

I miss my younger days.

(Cheh, macam I'm so old already huh.)

Salam!

I guess I've been so busy the past week that I didn't even update on the current "kecohs" in my life right now. To start off, my mum is as usual chasing after her money. LOL. While my dad is happily driving his taxi all day everyday. I'm just thankful that I have my parents by my side, their support and their nagging combined. And my sister is leaving soon for her attachment at Vietnam for the next 3 months. And my little sister is happily enjoying her June holidays while lil ol' me is stuck at work for the rest of the month. Le sigh.

Anyways, I got into the degree I applied for at Kaplan! Actually the news came to me like, the sleepover night week. I was over the moon! Hahaha. Until I saw that I had to raise this certain thousands by 13th June. 

But that's all settled now. :)

On the day I got the news, my dearest boyfriend treated me to Swensen's. Heheh. It may be a very busy few months ahead from now but, I'll try my best to make time for us. I promise. :3

Sorry but that's about all I can talk about right now because I'm pretty beat and I have ngaji tomorrow. So, till the next post! Salam! :3

K2-2 plants Spinach!

The seeds are really tiny!

Cutest boy in the 4th Playgroup class.

So friendly and intelligent.

Told the teachers if I had a Chinese boyfriend, his face would be my type.

Hahahahaha.

Meet my Prince Charming! :3

Oppaaaaaaa & Prince Charming!

Just a short update on Green Wave Day last Thursday. We had the celebration and then the tree-planting, and then the flea market. Swear the boys were not on their best behaviours that day except the two above. I had fun that day even though it was super tiring and I lost stuff in my classroom again. After the Mothers' Day Tea Party where I shifted most of my stuff to Rachelle's room, I lost  my purple thermometer. Then, after this flea market thing where they used all my children's tables, I lost some important papers and work-related stuff.

This coming slumber night, I'd probably lose more stuff again. I better lock everything up in my cupboard before that happens.

Portfolios are going well now. Started to do up the comments, trying to do as little cut and paste as I can, but typing is just too time consuming. Sigh.

Till my next post, y'all.

You And I

A good day of ngaji and gamelan with him.

Never had anyone who cares so much for me the way he does.

Never had anyone who makes me laugh so hard the way he does.

Never had anyone who gives me advice the way he does.

Never had anyone who drags me across the road the way he does.

Never had anyone who gets so angry with me for crying over something worthless the way he does.

Never had anyone who loves me the way he does.

I never want someone else to fill the place you have in my heart.

I hope, from the deepest part of me, for a future with you.

I'm just scared to admit it. :p

I love you, Ahmad Mustaqim.

Thank you for loving the worst, and best, of me.

You and I

We don't wanna be like them

We can make it till the end

Say Something

Rose are red

Violets are blue

You guys drive me up the wall

But I still love you

I can feel the stress creeping in again. But I keep Ahmad's super fierce advice in mind all the time: Clean up YOUR shit first, before cleaning others'.

It basically means for me to finish up whatever work I have, before lending others a hand. Because I always do the opposite; so willing to help others but my work isn't done yet, thus causing it to pile higher than Mt. Everest. So when he came down last Saturday:

I had fun having his help. Because he was ALOT of help. I couldn't carry the tables and chairs all by myself so I was quite thankful to have a hunk around. Actually, the mess was all because of the Mothers' Day Tea Party we had with the K2 children's moms. It was a huge success, but the entire week caused me extreme fatigue, coming home at near midnight almost everyday before that Friday.

So thank you, Mr. Ahmad Mustaqim, for your help in cleaning my classroom and the gym room next door. As well as for playing with the tricycles excitedly. Hahaha. :3

Been in a turmoil of emotions the past week. So glad that at least I managed to talk about it with my 'personal psychologist'. I'm just gonna give myself time to heal from this. Things will get better, InsyaAllah.

I hope for a better week ahead. All I can think of right now is portfolio, portfolio, portfolio. Sigh.

Say something I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

We have a lion in the house!

Meet newly shaved Lumos!

Looooove the tail so much!

Salam!

What a week(s) it has been. The lack of updates made me realise how much things I wanted to pen down lately but never really had the energy to do it. What they say is true; when you're young, you have more time, more energy but no money. When you're an adult and working, you have more money but less time and energy.

But I just realised that the older I get, the more forgetful I am, and the more careless I am. I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me. Sigh.

Since it's now May, it means the month of portfolios. I'm screwed because I haven't even started one, but I'm actually about to right now. There's more I want to say, more that I need to vent and let out but I'll save it for another time.

On a brighter note, I received my Letter of Completion for my DECCE-T already and my boss showed me how much my increment would be. It was more than my whole family expected, so, Alhamdulillah for that. It means that I can save more. :)

I want to train myself to complain less now. I need to learn to embrace life as it is. Others are going through worse than me, so I have to be grateful for right now. Life is precious, that's why every moment counts.

Till my next post, InsyaAllah. 

Sick Me

Guess I'd rather be at work instead of at home but I happen to be sick. Because it's boring to stay home.

Can't even walk without feeling like I'm about to faint. The world starts to black out and I'm forced to squat and close my eyes until it goes away. When I woke up this morming, I realised my hands and fingers were shaking on their own. It was so scary. Downed my medicine and laid down for a while. I lost my appetite to even eat anything. Eventually I forced some rice down and drank barley before crashing on my bed. Suddenly had diarrhoea too.

Too descriptive so I'm just gonna...go. 

Miserable At Best

This is something Ahmad tagged me in that I feel are things I need to start doing now. 

Salam!

In the past 2 weeks, I've been through a turmoil of feelings. From feeling worried to angry to betrayed to whatever this is right now.

Because honestly, I just  don't get it.

Here I am, sitting alone in my classroom, another overnight session with a few of my other colleagues in their own rooms, and I'm thinking, why the hell do I have such bad luck with friendships?

I kept wondering, is it me?

What's wrong with me?

Why do my friends either want to get rid of me, or betray me, or just accuse me of doing something I probably wasn't aware I was doing?

Is it my fault in the first place?

Honestly, what is it? What is it?

Why can't I ever have a decent friendship? Yes, they have their ups and downs, but they're supposed to get through all of that and come out stronger. Because all the good times spent together is not worth breaking a friendship over something as small as a misunderstanding.

I just don't get it at all.

I'm sick and tired already. From my secondary school days until my polytechnic days. I thought now that I am a working adult, or at least now that we're all in the early 20s, we'd be mature enough to not behave like this. But no, I was wrong.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure why this happens to me like, almost every phase of my life. I just hope I can be strong enough to overcome this.

Time and again, I feel like I somehow allow myself to get betrayed or stabbed in the back by people. If they were unhappy with me for instance, they'd talk behind my back, instead of coming straight to me. Because honestly, if you tegur me, I'd accept it. I'd know what I'm doing may not be acceptable, so that's how I will learn to change. Of course it'd take time to digest, but I'd surely do something to change. But like, really, do I deserve to be treated like this every single time? Seriously.

I can't please everyone. Deep down, I know that. But that's what I've always been doing and in the end, I hurt myself. It's not fair to me. Which brings us to point 5 to 7 in the above picture.

I just don't know what to do anymore. This has been nagging at the back of my head the past 2 weeks and it was all I could do to push it away and put my work first because it was sky high before, now it's the-tallest-skyscraper-in-Singapore high. Sigh.

Well then, I'll just go get a cup of tea to feel better about this, and hopefully, things will get better.

Just. So. Tired. Of. Everything.

Because these words were never easier for me to say

Or her to second guess

But I guess

That I can live without you but

Without you I'll be miserable

And I can live without you

But without you I'll be miserable

And I can live without you

Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

So I spent 5 hours yesterday fixing my new IKEA kitchen set up.

5 hours of headache.

Trust me when I say I never wanna do this again.

Or maybe, not alone at least.

It's tough shit, I tell you. 

No freaking joke.

Salam!

I'm feeling preeettty happy and excited for myself. I had a lesson observation today by my principal and what's worse is it was to be a video-ed observation. At the start of the day, I was pretty stressed as I hadn't printed my lesson plan for her because Dropbox was being a biatch and so was the work computer. In the end, I managed it. After our mass exercise in the morning, my children and me waited for her arrival but she didn't seem to come so I called her and found out she actually forgot. -.-

The lesson went on as usual, but I couldn't stop smiling and I can't even recall why! The children were soooo excited too! Prior to the observation, I made them promise to be on their best behaviour. My naughtier ones were as usual, of course, but at least, during the whole lesson/observation, they were all cooperative. They responded very well, in fact, TOO WELL, to my standard hand signals. (I try to use hand signals as another form of instruction, a tip I picked up from one of the workshops I attended. Hee.) Now that I reflect back, they were pretty engaged in the activity that I planned for them, or rather, the curriculum planned for them. I was rather impressed at their enthusiasm too.

So, my principal's comments were quite positive. During our pre-observation meeting, she asked me which area of the observation I want her to focus on and I said my classroom management. So just now, she said my classroom management was 'very good'. The children 'respond and listen to you very well'. The children 'were very engaged in the activity, which is what the QAC officers will want to see.'

I wanted to scream Alhamdulillah.

These comments mean a lot to me because last year, all my observations went haywire, practicum assessments included.

So, yep. This is quite an achievement, and the feeling is just too awesome. :)

So I realised these things today that I have not done:
- March meeting minutes
- This week's lesson evaluations
- My class's allergy list
- Virtues lesson plans

Die die die. District Head might be coming anytime she wants, and QAC officer will be coming on the 24th. Die die die.

Still, this can't dampen my mood today. It'll only motivate me. :D

Until my next post, InsyaAllah. :3

Here's a reason to post something:

I'm spending an all-nighter in my classroom today!

Awesome right?!

NOT.

So I cleared the cupboard behind me.

So far, no cockroaches.

But I found their shit.

So. Hais.

Anyway, it's been a pretty long day for me.

From meeting CEO in the morning, to rushing home to prepare for B's engagement at Yew Tee in the afternoon, to rushing home again to have dinner at my aunt's and then ending up here.

Gonna stay up all night doing work and gonna spend the whole of tomorrow (after piano class) to rest up. Wish me luck.

Bismillah. 

Sorry I gotta do a major throwback to the one place I don't mind going back to every year.

Where the skies are bluer, where the air is fresher, where the life is relaxed-er.

I miss you, Australia.

Salam!

March holidays hasn't been nice to me. Not only do I have to go for workshops for the first two days, it meant missing 2 days of work that could have been completed by now. Since I had a late start on my learning centres activities, I have no choice but to come back on the official off days which is today, and most probably the weekend. & I haven't even practised my piano. T.T

My purpose of posting after a long time of busy schedules is because I just sent in my application to UniSIM's degree in early childhood with management, like, 30 minutes ago.

Yup. If I get through the interview and get accepted into the programme, then it'll be 4 years of crazy busy schedules and assignments and this time, exams, again. But it's okay, like I always say: One year of hardships for the next 50 years. Nothing in the world comes easy, there's bound to be setbacks before you reach a finishing point.

I just want to be able to support my family better. I know in 4 years, I probably wouldn't be working at where I am currently, but I hope for better opportunities in future, that'd not only benefit my career, but would also enable me to give my family a better, secured future.

I don't know what I'm saying this time of the night but, I'm actually not even going to sleep yet. I have laminating to do for my learning centres task cards. Yeah, hardcore teacher, you may say, but like Ahmad said, this is BPA (Bo Pian Act). If I don't do it, I'd definitely get into trouble because it's my job, for crying out loud. Then, it will affect my appraisal, followed by my bonus and increments whatnots.

But other than that, I'm pretty satisfied with my work because this term is at least more interesting than the last. At least the children will be more occupied with the activities. I just need more tidying up to do, and with the conflict going on with the cleaner and all, sigh. So malas to entertain drama. I'm like, ain't nobody got time for that. You not happy then don't happy la. It's not my problem. I'm not here to please you. Nobody is here to please you. We all have enough on our plates as it is. :(

I think it's the tea that I drank that's keeping me up this late. Sigh. I haven't had movie marathons in the longest time. All because I'm always doing work related stuff. Speaking of which, I haven't done the meeting minutes for this month. Ugh. I hate SPARKS already. But gotta keep going man. Keep the faith, I can do this. *fighting*

& with all this happening at the moment, the fact that it feels so surreal that our problems would be gone just like that, is hard to believe. Everyone is pinning their hope on it, all except me. I'm not one to pin high hopes on something anymore, I've been through enough to learn that the hard way. Still, if Allah permits it, if this is His way of showing us His mercy and guidance, then I'd accept it. :')

Salam, and till the next post. :)

Lovely Intermission

So, today is the 55th month since we got together.

Trust me when I say, it still feels surreal.

These words finally make sense to me:

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

:3

Salam!

It's been a long time since the last detailed post. Heh. So sorry. I've been mad tired lately, even Ahmad complained 'cause I slept really early nowadays. Thing is, even though I slept earlier than my usual timing, I still wake up tired. It's draining me, everyday, travelling back and forth, putting up with the aches of work.

Now that I've been working full day for 3 months, I'm starting to see the true colours of my colleagues, starting to see where all these conflicts lie and how they sparked off. But what makes it all better is that the parents of my class, have warmed up to me better. I have a few challenging ones that I can count off my fingers, but the rest are better now. Phew! I even got a positive comment, unexpectedly from my super hyperactive student. His mum told me about when she asked him what he learnt in school and he said Teacher Siti taught about many men is spelt men with the 'e' and one would be spelt with the 'a'. His mum told me she was very happy that he learnt that because he has very short attention span. 

To tell you the truth, I was flabbergasted when his mum told me this because I swear, he never, NEVER, EVER sits still during my large group teaching (plus he's right in front of me under my nose) and I have no idea HOW he could remember that when he wasn't paying attention. It made me see him in a different light after that. I decided even though his eyes may not be on me, his ears are still listening.

Honestly, this inspired me. :B

So I got news about the bond and my supposed salary increment. The bond hasn't officially started because HQ needs my Letter of Completion that states that I passed all my modules in order for them to start my bond and give me my salary increment according to my "academic and professional qualifications". But once they have it, they will start the bond according to the course's date of completion, which is 23 December, and then back pay me for the previous months of salary.

I lost my payslip for the month of February..... Sigh. So kanciong scan all my education certificates, but missed one precious thing: the most recent payslip. So I will have to wait for this month's payslip and submit my application for UniSIM before 31 March. T.T So nervous and scared that I'd forget until I put a reminder of a week from pay day in my calendar. Gonna pester Ruth for the payslip and straightaway scan it at work once pay comes in. I want this so badly, but there's an interview that comes along with the application. Sigh. It's nerve-wrecking, I swear.

So that's about it that's happening in my life. And by the way,

Happy 55th to the one and only man who has captured my heart from day one.

Time flies when you're in love and having fun, hahaha.

I love you to the moon and back, to the stars far above, till Neptune and the 4 other planets that the scientists recently discovered. :3

& I love you much more ferociously than the Torvosaurus Gurneyi that we learnt about today. :3

(Had to read newspapers for the sake of the children's current issues subject, otherwise I wouldn't sound that nerdy. :p)

You're my lovely intermission

You're the one that I've been waiting

Waiting for you

Waiting for you

You're my lovely intermission

I can feel that something's missing before I found you

Before I found you

Work has been crazy.

I'm so tired.

Want to blog but too tired.

:(

Salam!

I'm taking a break from my lesson plan evaluations right now. Never knew being a teacher was so tiring. But it's just for now. Hopefully when I'm done with decorating and all the other stuff, I'll be handling everything much better.

At the moment, I'm finding it very hard to see my savings increase. Well, it's understandable because of my family's current financial instability, it's only normal that I help out. So in the end, I dig out my savings of the past one year to help my parents with whatever they need. Thus causing my savings to drop.

The things is, the fact that I used my POSB 'baby' account as my savings account is what I would now consider a very bad decision/idea. Because through iBanking, I can access both this baby account and my current account (where my salary goes into). So when I need money, I'll just open up iBanking and just transfer from the baby account to my current one, the one I frequently use. 

Bad right? Hais.

So I was telling my boyfriend about this and he suggested Maybank's savings plan called Ar-Rihla. 

I just badly need to save money. I just need a proper savings account that I have no easy access to except from an ATM or the bank itself. And what I want is to deposit only, and no withdrawal. This money would be purely the savings, not for my degree.

I just want to feel stable, ya know? Like as in, feel that oh, I have this account where all I do is put money in and save and save without taking it out for my own benefit, so that as it multiplies, I know I have something to back me up should I really, really, desperately need it someday.

I've been so desperate to save that I've been bringing food from home for lunch now. I save more, yes, but well, it kept going to my parents. Hahaha. Wellll.

So, hopefully, in the coming months, especially when LOC comes and my pay increases, I'd be able to save more, in the Maybank one AND the baby bank. InsyaAllah. :)

I don't really know what the point of this post is but I guess I just needed to vent about the fact that my savings are slowly disappearing. Sigh.

Still trying to be strong. :)

Salam. 

That's The Way It Is

I miss my long hair.

I miss being worry free.

I miss going on long holidays.

I cannot believe this was 4 years ago! Things have changed so, so, so much. And I have changed so, so, so much. And apparently, my dear boyfriend said I'm better now as compared to back then. I wonder why. He said I'm less emo now. And I don't know what else.

If I could only play the me years ago like a television to find out. I'm curious as to what I was like back then. But that's past. I never want to ever go back to the person I was before. I'm teaching myself to be positive, still trying my best, but I never want to be that person again. All the negativity damaged me, as well as my relationships with the people who matter to me.

So, here's to a better me, InsyaAllah. :)

My boss will kill me because it's Week 8 of the term and I haven't written a single thing in my reflection journal. Just, great. Where got time for RJ anymore huh. Hahahahaha!

So, I made an appointment. Just to check up on how things are going. It's been 2 years plus. Time flies so fast when you least expect it. I've been so dependent on it, it's like a part of me now. Without it, I feel like an empty shell. :(

I pray for strength everyday, I pray for courage everyday, to face it and to someday be able to get the words out of my mouth. :')

I don't know what the point of this post is but I just needed something to fill my time while I rack my brains as I do my literacy centre task cards. I can't wait till I complete decorating my Virtue board, current issues board, literacy board, numeracy board and discovery board. 

Holy, that's a lot to do! Sigh.

I told boss that I won't be able to complete my stuff if she don't give me time off to do my work in the afternoons. Rachelle's classroom doesn't look so bad because she has so many stuff. Mine looks bare because of the numerous pinboards that they put up for me, and because I didn't have the time to put much things up, it made the classroom look bare. :(

Anyway, wish me luck. I'm looking forward to the June holidays. Hopefully, I get to go for a short getaway. Before I start my degree and things get too complicated and I get too busy. :(

So, my update ends here. Wish me luck for the next few weeks. And nope, March holidays are no holidays at all. :(

Salam! :3

When you want it the most there's no easy way out

When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt 

Don't give up on your faith 

Love comes to those who believe it 

And that's the way it is

Tonight

Because I've been busy with all these.

I changed the physical layout of my class quite a few times.

But this will be final 'cause it made the classroom more spacious.

Sometimes I feel like I'm decorating my own home.

Hahahaha.

Assalamualaikum!

Sorry for the lack of updates for the past I don't know how long but it's long enough. Well, I don't care if anyone reads my blog anymore but the whole point of the blog is for me to rant and probably just share some things that's happening in my life.

For starters, I'm deprived of a life. Period. Come home, do work, go work, do work, go to sleep, think of work. Life can be a little stressful sometimes but I'm starting to cope better than I was in January. The parents are starting to warm up a little to me, though I've started to get annoyed by some.

Anyhoos, I kind of like the children better now. I realised that I need to embrace their behaviours in order to see their true sides. I have funny moments with them too. And they love jokes, and even laugh at my very lame jokes! Big surprise there. Cause people my age or older will just find me weird.

Funny moment 1:

Me: What are other ways you can show your parents that you are caring towards them?

Krishetha: When me and my mummy and daddy go supermarket, I help them by carrying *does carrying hand gesture* the bags.

Me: Carrying?

Krishetha: *paiseh cause she thinks she's wrong*

Me: *confident rabak* Children, when I say caring, it means to care for someone. To be nice towards others. Not carrying things.

Children: *laugh their assess off*

Me: *nak tarik tudung off*

Looking back, I thought maybe she meant the act of helping to carry the bags is caring towards her parents. Or.....not? Makes me laugh when I think about it hahaha! It's funny when children misunderstand you at the same time that you misunderstand them. It's like whatever they say could have many meanings and rationales.

Funny moment 2:

Me: So, how do you show your friends that you are caring towards them?

Praveenaa: *raises hand (MY BIGGEST RULE HAHA)* I eat chocolate for my friend.

Me: *stunned for a moment until it registers* You eat chocolate FOR your friend? *start laughing*

So, that's work. :)

Besides having a tough week and staying back till midnight on one of the days because the Big Boss was coming the day after, I feel pretty okay. And then that was when I realised that I should take the UniSim degree in early childhood.

Why? Because it's guaranteed recognised here in SG. I mean, if I were to take the one by Monash, it isn't fully recognised in SG, so what's the point of wasting 30K of my money when I know I won't be moving to Australia anytime soon? Besides, if I were to take the degree by UniSim, I would be recognised as an academic degree holder, not just in early childhood. That's a definite plus, of course. There's also 55% government subsidy so financially, I'd be able to afford it on my own without help from my parents. They've enough on their plates already.

I don't know what's holding me back though. Maybe it's the duration of the course. 3.5 years. Minimum. But then again, time will pass very fast, so that's okay. The modules are quite incredible. Very in-depth and complicated-sounding, so good luck to me. I'll probably apply in early March, if AIC can't get back to me about giving my transcript earlier.

Today, I went to the HDB place again with my parents. But while we had breakfast, my mum made a comment that, I don't know, I felt sad when I heard it. She said something along the lines of, Umie harap Long masih provide for Umie and Abah even lepas Ah Long kahwin.

My first thought was, is she doubting me?

Then I thought it's probably every parent's fear: being forgotten after their kids get married. Somehow, I felt sad that she would think that way for me. I mean, after all I've done to help her and my dad, ever since I got a job, doesn't it say anything? Me working hard, me planning to get a degree so that it'll entitle me to a much higher pay, is so that I can provide better for my parents. And future family. It's just, quite a turmoil of feelings. :(

On a brighter note! I made honey cornflakes the other day. Gave one small container to Ahmad 'cause I feel bad for not bringing stuff over lately. I know 'busy' is just an excuse but yeah, I've been busy. Hahahaha.

 1 big box of cornflakes

Double boil butter and honey together

Mix them, duh.

Tadaaa!

Apparently the honey I used is not sweet and thick enough.

It's just a bottle I found at home.

So next time, use a brand called Hosen. :)

Guess that's about it, folks. I'm running out of things to say that isn't private. Till here then. Salam and may y'all be in the best and safest of health. :3

Love, 

Faz lovin'-my-door lun

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up

I need your loving hands to come and pick me up

And every night I miss you

I can just look up and know the stars are holding you

Holding you, holding you 

Tonight

I miss you so terribly.