Mum's birthday celebration on Christmas @ Swensens.

I think this wedding is the best so far.

Well, in terms of the setup, deco, entertainment and whatever.

(The food wasn't too good. All of us were farting away after we ate. HAHA.)

The part where the pengantin laki kissed the pengantin perempuan,

it kinda brought a little tears to my eyes, I don't know why.

It's a natural awwww reaction, so shut up.

OMG.

There's meeting tomorrow.

I don't know how I got caught in the meetings lately and I'm so scared to be in the committee because I'm so scared I'll be so busy.

Busier than I already am.

There's Gamelan this week.

Then there's UTs to study for.

WEB & MATHS

MATHS.

Freaking MATHS.

(Wait, then when is Comms UT?)

Then there's Mum's pictures to upload to the website.

Which I'm struggling to do right now because there's more orders this week.

Plus the cheesecakes she's making.

I'm contemplating right now whether I should go for the Zikir tonight.

& Mum just threw me offguard just now when she said she's sending me to either Habib Sagaff or Umie Aisyah next year during my 2 months vacation.

I don't know what to feel.

I wanna go, but I don't wanna go.

She wants me to do all the religious stuff there.

FOR A MONTH.

ONE FREAKING MONTH.

ALONE.

Because during that time, sister has school. & N Levels.

Okay, I'm freaking out right now.

Like, really freaking out.

Indonesians.

And my malay sucks.

Especially when I'm speaking it.

Mum went, "You can teach English to the anak yatim there. Pahala tau."

I was like, errrrrr. Okay.

*gaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssppp*

I said OKAY!

OMG, I just realized that!

Gaaah, fuck.

Mum said a "Umi Waheedah/Wahidah" (however you spell it) will tend to me there. Ngaji and stuff. My mum wants me to katam. (however you spell that)

"One day, one juz."

Gaaaaaaah.

Somebody. Save. Me.

It's a really nice book.

I wanted to share it with you, but I didn't get the chance to.

I wish things could be the way it used to be.

i dont know what to say

i feel bad cause its the second time its happening

maybe its not you guys

maybe its just me

you have no idea how fucking guilty i feel now

i got a clearer picture of it

no one should suffer because of me

im sorry.

i miss you too.

Awesome dayy.

Love it to bits.

Had serious talk with sister as we watched the boys swim.

Realized that it's time to break away.

Ohwells.

We'll see how it goes.

GNK Day Camp

It was fun, the games parts. Training was so-so, me at my usual spot with the gongs. I love the gongs. Period. It was fun while it lasted, till the pain came on the second day/night. Gosh, that was the... I don't know, man. At that point of time, I really wished I was dead. Tried not to cry, so that I wouldn't attract attention so that's why I left while they were all taking pictures. I really think there's more to this pain than meets the eye.

Mum knows about my pain without me even telling her a single thing. I guess that's the power that mothers have. They can feel it, whatever 'it' is. Hahah. Going to her "GUY-NI" next week.

Speaking of Mum, she has a wedding cupcake display again this weekend at Bedok! Pink and purple again. -.- What's with customers and pink? Seriously.

I'm sorry to make you worry. I'm grateful that you care. But I am scared.

& nothing can make me feel better.

I love you too.

I don't have the best kitchen in the world.

(I'm still afraid of the stove)

But it's a good place to bond with my sister.

Who is a better cook than I am.

Every word that you said is still stuck in my mind

Do we all really have such a fate?

I can hardly believe it.

Ohwell.

We'll still die in the end.

:)

This is what you get when you're bored at 1.28am.

I love this!!!!

How come when I'm not emo-ing, ALOT of people are?

Kinda weird. Hmm.

Today wasn't too bad.

More like, self-reflection day.

Met the westerners at White Sands today.

Had some yummy yoghurt.

New favourite flavour: BLUEBERRY!

Blueberry + Chocolate = <3

Anyway, if I have metalheads reading this space of mine,

this is a little something for you guys.

:)

TA-DAH!!

A book I found at the library.

:)

Finally realized what a lifesaver Photoshop can be when you're dead bored.

Spent like, 3 hours on this, I think.

Started at 5, finished at 8.

It's 8.58 now, holy.....

Wow.

Will learn more tomorrow.

Shall watch Paper Heart tonight.

& Nats, if you're reading this,

please believe in yourself.

Don't let what others say pull you down.

You know you're worth more than that.

I'm missing you every minute you're not here, baby.

Quoting my uncle singing: "Nobody, nobody like you".

Had me laughing for a full 5 minutes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I love this guy. Period.

My beautiful surprise package.

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20091214/tap-australia-antarctica-iceberg-5a1703c.html

Didn't know icebergs have names too. B17B.

Hahahahahahaha.

But this is serious shit.

Read this to my sis.

She named her 'Iceberg B113B'.

Then,

"No, Psy113B. Psychotic."

Hahahahahahahaha.

Seriously pissed us both like shit.

It's not like B113B can do it herself.

Relied on me all the time.

Seriously la.

It cheered me up a little. I don't remember how I found this.

The pain is back, sadly.

I don't know how long I can take this.

It always hurts.

Always.

& I can't do anything about it.

Syai playing L4D2.

He plays the exact way that I play.

Except that I don't swear. I scream instead.

Call me a chicken, I don't care.

Bluekk.

Oh! By the way.....

THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!!

THREE WEEKS!!

THREEEEE WEEEEEKS!!!!!

THREE CHEERS!!

:)

Chinese Garden

Below: My mum said they look alike. Yes, my mum.

Mine! & it's true!

Ahmad's. & it's true.

Seriously -.-

I think yesterday afternoon was fun. & hot. Sheesh.

But I like. :)

L4D2~!

She's so bloody hilarious laaa.

Sisto gave us free yoghurt! Heeee. Someone paid 8 lovely bux for about as much as the above picture, maybe more maybe less, I don't know, but we fucking got it for free~!!! We were so damn jakon with the lever things. &! The toppings. Whoaaaa~~ & I got the card thingy for free too! I love mah sister. I laughed so much yesterday, heh. But this morning, I woke up with a sore throat. Too much yoghurt, I guess. It's okay, I want more!

Cooking lunch for Sisto and me 'cause I don't know why but the whole house was empty when I woke up. Plus, I have to head out soon for my photography thing at............... Heeeeeeeeeeeee.

Nafisah borrowed my lens for her brother's something L. The same thing that Marcus has. So now I'm stuck with a 55mm lens and I don't know who to complain to because my boyfriend doesn't speak photography. -.- Pffffft.

I'm gonna go. Rice is waiting and Sisto is still asleep. -.-

I'm currently missing a lot of people.

I'm currently pissed with my mum.

& I wish...

I wish.

I'm always wishing.

& the things I wish for never happens.

Yet, I still keep wishing.

I wanna give up, seriously.

I don't wanna be strong anymore.

I just feel like crying.

& sorry for the emo posts lately.

Don't know what's come over me.

Man, do I hate the position I'm in.

I miss her.

& sometimes, I just hate myself.

My shoulder really hurts.

& the right side of my head hurts.

Why.

I'm so tired I wish I can lie down like this cat.

Eye, throat and ovary hurts like fuck.

& it's sucha stressful day.

Oh, eye just teared by itself.

I'm crying!!!

We're back to those days.

Kill meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I was panicky since just now.

But I've switched to emo mode now.

It's only when you know that someone's leaving do you start to really appreciate all your time together.

Well, she won't be that far but still, it's far enough.

(I know she'll miss him.)

But she'll miss me more, haha.

Wait, I forgot, emo mode.

It's just that, after like, what? 5, 6 years of staying just a few streets (or drives) away

it'll be hard to accept the fact that she's what, roads away? I don't know.

Either way, there won't be cycling trips to her house again.

Or rather, anymore.

& no more last minute cycling trips to Paris Park.

I am sad.

But we can still keep in touch.

& meet up to catch up with each other.

I'm so looking forward to the cycling trip and Paris photo-taking.

:)

AWWWWWW.

First thing you see on Twitter, how up-ped can your mood be?

Heh.

Looking forward to the holidays.

:)

Close

How long ago was this anyway?

Haha.

Happy 4th!

Mugging for marketing UT.

Screw it.

You give me strength

You give me hope

You give me someone to love

someone to hold

When I'm in your arms

I need you to know

I've never been

I've never been this close

Photo Credits:

Syaiful Amiril bin Haj Mohamed

(I think that's the spelling.)

HAHA.

Saturday: Damn tiring. Stupid makciks. Oh, don't get me started on them. Sheeesh. But the cupcakes were all finished within 3 hours. The girls were amazing with the kids. I feel guilty for ditching them halfway, but I already gave my instructions so they managed to survive. Haha. I had a good reason for ditching them kay. Mum had an award ceremony, and she insisted that I took her picture when: she's seated with the graduates, she's talking with her friends, she's queueing up to get her award, she's walking up the stage, she's shaking hands with the "prize-giver" (whatever you call them), she's going down the stage, she's having the group photo taken. In short, her every move. Felt like a stalker. Embarrassed myself as well. Tripped over a photographer and two chairs, all at the same time. & a makcik said, "Adoiii, nak, tengok la jalan." Tsk. Tsk. Tskkkkkk. If you didn't have your breakfast, and had to handle kids and makciks at the same time, as well as help the kids decorate their cupcakes, and not forgetting having to take your mother's pictures when she's receiving her award, you'd be clumsy too. Gawddd. Anyway, Mum was all smiles the whole time, and we're all proud of her. So that's okay. :)

Sunday: Woke up early again for Mum's wedding dessert corner thing. AT WOODLANDS. Sheesh. But the theme was PINK, and roses. I liiiiike. So that's worth waking up so early in the morning for. Haaaa. After all the setting up was done, we had breakfast. Peraaataaa ah. Me likey. & the peraaataaa was ohso crispy. Haha. Then, my parents decided to go to Jurong with Cik Azizah for that ice-cream sale or whatever. I didn't wanna come along so I hopped on Cik Jal's car and ta-daaaaaah! He dedicated this song to me (-.-), "Salam Sejahtera, Ah-long Gong." -.- Like, seriously.

My favourite picture at the end of the day. :)

& that Our Wedding thing is a guestbook for guests to write their well-wishes.

I saw the inside. Damn nice. I want that for MY wedding.

Forget Sisto's idea for a Greek-themed wedding.

Mine's gonna be a........

Shhhh!

Hahahahahahahahhahahah.

P.S: The westerners did come.

My favourite one didn't.

Awww.

I think it's time I put Nat's marketing notes to good use.

Hmmmm.

Tomorrow is the 4th month.

How time flies.

:)

I'm in love with this.

Shall take more pictures tomorrow and on Sunday.

Oh! Some westerners are coming to the East on Sunday.

;D

I don't understand my life anymore. I know people out there have it worse than me. Like my aunt, for example. Cancer. She knows she'll die, but she can still smile and laugh around us. I want to be strong like that too, but I can't. Anymore. I just succumb to the pain. Lie down and cry, just hoping it'll go away soon. & when it does, I'll just cry even more, because I wonder to myself, how long do I have to live with this?

& it doesn't help that once I'm home, people order me around, Mum yells at me, yells the whole house down, scolds Farah for no reason, whatever I do I'll hear her voice in my head, and the maids are so bloody irritating, and I hardly even talk to Sisto even though I want to but I just don't know what to say anymore. I'm just so tired with this. I just feel like doing nothing else but cry.

& fuck la, the doctor was right. I AM stressed. With school (what the hell, maths tomorrow is gonna be fucking hard) and home. And whatever else. Yeah, I'm stressed with myself. With whatever I'm going through now. Mirah made me think today; the number of pills I have to take each day.

Am I not better off dead? Than wasting my parents' money? When they can use it on something else.

Ah, fuck la. I shouldn't be saying stuff like this. But I just can't help it. Probably will get scolded by Nats tomorrow.

Speaking of her, I have a date with her tomorrow. Yay! & we're gonna do the **** thing, like what we did in 2006. It's a best friend thing, you don't have to know. But it's nothing dirty la, kay.

I wish I was anywhere else but here. I wish I could go somewhere far and leave all my worries behind. I wish I could be more optimistic. I wish I was stronger than I am now to face whatever's ahead. But I can't. Cause I'm so close to giving up.

I'm seriously so sick of this. I'm seriously going to lose my mind soon.

& if I lose my mind and, say, like jump off the building or something, I don't know, just know, I love ya'll. No matter who you are, whether or not you play a significant part in my life, once you're in my life, I love you. Well, I'm pretty emotional right now so I'm not thinking straight, and I'll probably be alright tomorrow morning and when I read this post, I'll realize what an asshole I am to post such a suicidal-like kinda thing, but no, I'm not the suicidal type, so don't worry. I'm more of the "gembeng" type, as Syai would put it.

I'm gonna go. RJ's sucha crap. In what way has my life been shaped by chance, my foot. Tsk.

I'm just so fucking irritated right now. I think I should go sleep. Goodnight, world. I hope you people will have a better tomorrow. & I hope, and will always pray, that none of you will ever go through everything that I've gone through.

Two Is Better Than One

How cute is zat?

How come it's not Paulie dearest??

:(

Headache comes and goes.

Come back from lunch and I get crap from these people.

Headache comes again.

I'm fucking tired of being sick.

& it's not like I asked for it.

& it's tension headache, not attention headache.

LOL!

No wonder I got rubbish results when I wiki-ed it.

So maybe it's true

That I can't live without you

And maybe two is better than one

There's so much time

To figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two is better than one

You Belong With Me

This is for you, NATASHA YOW HISHAM !!

You know I'll always be here for you.

:)))

Phew. What a weekend. It started out bad (Friday), but Saturday was AWWSOME, even though I was down with a 38.1 degree fever that morning. HAHA. Bonsai Garden is preeeeeetttyyy. & jamming was niceeeee. The Gone So Young song was niceeeee. & Shak, as usual, superrrr funny.

Yesterday, I superr screwed up my side of gong. Superrr tired, superrr blur, superrr nervous, superrr in pain. & the worst thing, I actually forgot to bring my notes. Mirah almost killed me in the train. Haha. & ehh, Ahmad lost his concentration on drums just 'cause Farah pointed him out to my daddy dearest. Hahahahahahahahahahha. Wish that was caught on video. Muke confirm panicked.

Finished up the drawings for Mum's poster thingy, which reminds me, I have yet to cut them out. Bummer. & ohh!! I can never get over Ahmad being so geli geli. He's so ticklish la, poke a bit, dah toink. Hahahahahaahahahah. It's so fun to make him ticklish like that. Heh. Heh. Heh.

You can never truly understand until you become a parent. What you'd do to make your child happy, to give them what they want, to keep them alive.

Did I mention that Mum had a wedding cupcakes display on Thursday at Sheraton Hotel? OHMYGAWD, damn awesome, and freaking nice. & the whole ballroom setup had the theme red and purple, and they used violets and RED ROSES. Beautiful, simply gorgeous.

I'm in love, man, am in love.

Heh, got a date with Mirah on Thursday, another one with Natasha on Friday. Awesome pe.

Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night

I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry

And I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams

Think I know where you belong

Think I know it's with me

I laughed like shit.

Sisto laughed worst than me.

& even after I stopped, she was still laughing.

Credits to Nat's Tumblr.

Was in pain the whole day.

Slept the day away, hoping the pain would go away.

But it didn't.

It still hurts as I type here right now.

& my head hurts.

Dad said it's cause I slept after Asar till Maghrib.

Which is "not good".

& he nagged and nagged and nagged.

Was too weak to fight back so I just listened.

New moon out next week!!

Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!!!

& Sisto dreamt of me and Ahmad.

& it's really weird.

Pfffft.

& oh, Martin reminds me of Jim Carrey sometimes.

But of course, nothing beats PAUL.

<3

How cool is zat?

I'm so tired.

Glad the weekend's here.

Oh! I forgot.

I'll be damn busy.

Sighs.

Someone went to school today with a sticker stuck to her jeans where everyone can see it.

& that moron is me.

Thank you.

:)

This is just too lovely.

I'm not sure of what to do. I mean, even with the new painkillers, it still hurts, and what's the point of taking them when all I'll get is drowsiness, and nausea (which I didn't, which is like, thank god!). I don't know how long I can take the pain. Liyana said go KK. I'm considering it, I really am. But lately, Mum has too much on her mind and I don't have the heart to bother her with what I'm going through, even though I should.

Shall wait for Sisto to come back from her camp. Get some advice from her, even though I already know what she'll say. -.-

Hoh great, I'm feeling dizzy now. Stupid meds, stupid meds. The pain is never gonna go.

I'm in pain, I'm tired, I'm sleepy, I'm dizzy, I'm fucking irritated, so don't fucking piss me off today. Thank you.

PARTY MARTY!

I GUESS THIS IS WHY GIRLS LOVE MARTIN JOHNSON SO MUCH.

*MELTS*

*MELTS*

*MELTS*

*MELTS*

*MELTS*

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~~~

*I'M STILL MELTING*

HIS VOCALS ARE JUST TOO AWWSOME.

I WANNA HEAR PAUL SING!

Have always love this movie, out of the 3.

Will collect them for Farah when she's a wee bit older.

Hahah.

My side still hurts where she kicked at it last night.

Sigh.

His eyelashes are to die for.

*melts*

*melts*

*melts*

I still don't know why people prefer Martin.

Sure, his blue eyes are hoooomygod.

But Paul is also as hoooomygod.

Thanks to Natasha for this.

Well, I guess I just gotta stay optimistic, right?

Oh wells, what to do, that's life.

According to Mumsie, she's being very strong about it.

But we know she's hurting inside.

But Umi Aisyah once said,

that she's accepted this as her fate.

I've never seen Mumsie this tired or stressed before.

She even cried.

It breaks my heart that everything is like this.

One thing after another.

It'll never stop.

I wish it'll stop.

I wish.

Nothing will be better.

I'm so tired.

Fucking tired kay?

Just gotta keep praying.

For these people.

God, I'm tired.

Munchkin

If I can have this kitty, I'll die and go to heaven.

It's so freaking adorable laaaaaaaaaa.

I want a cat, so, badly.

Always

Ahmad reminded me of this old, old song. I don't know why, but ever since I got back from CGH, I kept listening to the old, old songs. Well, Westlife isn't that old, but it's been a while since I last listened to them, like, really listened to them. Then, Air Supply songs (used to be Mum's favourites), and one BJ song. Hahah.

I still think there's more to this ovary thing. How can it be that every time I'm in the middle of my menstrual cycle, the cyst ruptures? I mean, what are the chances that it'll rupture all the time? Gargh, I wish that doctor had been more professional than to actually say, "I'm not an expert in this area." Then, she was like, "I'll refer you to a GUY-NI." I was like thinking, GUY-NI? What the hell is that? I was thinking, maybe machines and needles. Oh great. Then, when I got the referral letter thingy, I saw the word gynaecologist. & I was like, -.- cheyyyy. So yeah, ultrasound next month, then off to see Mr. Guy-ni, or whoever, then back to this Dr. June. Sighs.

After CGH, hung out at East Point with Mumsie. & she told me a lot of stuffs. & we talked about ahhh. And she told me a lot of stuffs again. & oh, she told me she dreamt of Ahmad last night. -.- I've been dreaming of him since last Friday, but that's okay, but this is MY MUM!! SHE DREAMT OF MY BOYFRIEND!!

It's so weird. But funny. & weird.

I'm glad everything's okay now. Things will hopefully go back to normal. Thank yous again to all who stood by me and gave me advices. I'm so glad I have all of you. :)

And I will love you, baby - Always

And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

I'll be there till the stars don't shine

Till the heavens burst and

The words don't rhyme

And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind

And I'll love you - Always

P.S. I think BJ's sexy. Heh.