I miss you dearly.

Over the years, as we get on with our lives, we think of our lost ones lesser.

I admit, I think of you lesser now but when I do think of you, the sadness still hits me very hard.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I just want to put this here for memory’s sake.

I miss your smile, your laughter and your gruff voice.

And I’ll always remember your last piece of advice to me that I’ve always held on to.

With everything that’s happening in my life currently, I do wonder if I should take a step back just to put everything into a clearer perspective for me

Am I overworking myself? Am I under a lot of stress and pressure from various aspects in my life?

I guess I’ll just use this weekend to wind down and reflect.

Instead of doing work-related stuff, I should focus on t4t instead.

With the COVID-19 virus just raging on and on, things have not been picking up and I do worry for the future. I wonder whether this was meant to happen to the world. Was this pre-destined? The answer is probably yes. I guess I just need to have faith in Allah that things will be better for all of us, slowly, some day but surely.

InsyaAllah. 

Ramadhan 2021

 

Salam!

It’s been a long while since I last blogged. Well, wow, it’s been 1.5 years, I think, since I got married. This is my second Ramadhan as a married woman. & this time round, it has been a different one from alllll the Ramadhans I’ve spent. Why? Because I spent a lot of time and energy to try to khatam the Qur’an in this holy month. However, I only managed to reach Juz 19 before my period came. So, take note, Faz, 10 days to pay back for this year. Although I’m sad that my intention to khatam Qur’an during Ramadhan was not achieved, I actually feel proud that I at least got halfway through. I’ll just continue after Ramadhan, and hopefully, I can do it on a daily basis. I think that would be a good intention too, right?

This Ramadhan is different in terms of the trials that I’ve had to go through at work. It took a lot, like really a lot out of me not to stay angry the whole day at all the shit and nonsense my leader left us hanging by. It’s now Week 4 that she’s away and, boy, the things that got revealed were astounding. Like really, how lazy can one person be? So yes, it’s only natural as a staff to feel angered by the things a leader should have done or been responsible for. It took a lot of energy to stay patient with all that was going on. 

I also just want to give myself a gentle reminder here. Something happened before Ramadhan started and I did something I normally would not have done and/or had the strength to resist because I am naturally a cheapo person (hahaha!). Okay, only I would know what happened because I’m not gonna tell that story here because of how personal it is but when I read this back, I will be able to understand.

You will have faith. You will continue to have faith. Every woman goes through a different type of journey, and perhaps, yours wouldn’t be as easy but your time will come. Stay strong, have faith, keep trying, keep praying. Even though it’s hard to say it out loud, even though it’s hard to watch that kind of joy and happiness on social media, someday, you will have it too, InsyaAllah. All you have to do is be strong. It’s okay to cry sometimes, because the disappointment is painful, it’s hard, it’s stressful, and there’s so much pressure. But, take it easy. Your mental and physical health matter. It’s okay to cry once in a while, but you don’t deserve to stress yourself out about it. Just have faith because your time will come. If it was meant to be, it will be. If Allah wills it to be yours, it will be. Just be strong and enjoy life as it is. Focus on yourself and the relationship. Build it up, make it stronger. And then, everything will fall into place. :)

I’m always, always so thankful to have Ahmad as my husband. This past half year has been difficult, but we’ve been getting by. Maybe there’s a reason for everything that happens. Maybe the time isn’t right for it to happen. At the end of the day, Allah knows best, and He decides what’s best for us right? No matter how badly we may want it, if Allah says it’s not good for us, He will exchange it with something better. & I’ve gotta remember to always hold on to that.

It’s been hard. But I’m okay. I’m thankful that I have great support systems to turn to anytime I need. So I will be okay.

Girl Talk: Hotel Reception

Salam!

Okay, reception part 2! Gosh, it was such a busy yet exciting weekend! I had not yet digested the fact that we were finally married! I had so much prayers and gratitude to Allah for bringing us together after all these years. 10 years were not a short time and we’ve had so many ups and downs and curves and waves that we overcame together. Those close to us would know that. 

This was the day that Ahmad’s family and relatives officially knew me. I’ve always had a rule that we do not attend each other’s family gatherings and whatnots. My reason being to protect my family’s pride (and also just in case we didn’t get this far, at least our family’s hearts don’t get involved). So, I salam-ed alot of people that day hahahaha.

We walked in with GSM’s accompaniment, Baleganjur, which was really, really awesome. It’s one thing to listen to the composition digitally, but nothing beats that awesome feeling/goosebumps when the music is played live. We walked in like that, damn cool, man. It was such a great moment for us, having the gamelan family present (and literally too, because most of our GNK batchmates attended the reception). 

Well, when it comes to Malay weddings, obviously we have silat. We had Muadzah, who was part of the Baleganjur ensemble, and the twins, Wirda and Widya. Because apparently, for silat, it has to be odd numbers or something. I had goosebumps watching Wirda “silat-ing” for us cause I’ve watched her fight in competitions before and it’s different, obviously. I think it’s also especially because she’s one of Ahmad’s closest friends, like literally from the first day we started dating. And after that, we did the usual salam the parents thing and lots, lots, lots of photo-taking. 

During our time for lunch, the Gadon javanese ensemble played music for us, which was really awesome. We had lots of people coming up to us to take photos, congratulate us and even chit chat for a bit. The food was really good, by the way, considering the amount Ahmad had to spend on this reception alone. *inserts laughing emoji here* I didn’t get to try the 20++ types of desserts, which was such a shame because that was a last minute add on.

We had quite a lot of time for lunch so we got the chance to chit chat with our friends too. It was so nice to see everyone there, like really. I could feel the immense happiness all around us, especially those friends who knew us for as long as our relationship. 

My huge family. I teared up a little when we received the wedding photos from Helloluhv, especially for this one. My family grew and grew and I didn’t realize how my aunts, uncles and parents look so much older now. :’)

So, after lunch, we went upstairs to the hotel room to change into the second outfit. To be honest, this red one was kinda a gamble for me. When I chose this one on selection day, obviously being the clueless not-girly-enough girl I am, I went for the “go big or go home” without even considering whether I would survive on HEELS in this dress. Which, I didn’t, in the end HAHAHAHA. But whatever right, it’s my wedding day and the dress was gorgeous like omg wow. Anyway, in the hotel room, when we were done taking pictures for this outfit, I was gonna put on the heels but realized that the dress was really long and I wasn’t that confident walking on heels with all the underskirts and ruffles. So I decided to wear my sneakers instead. I mean, under all those folds, no one will notice right. BUT! The height difference did. So yes, Faz, BIG mistake. As we walked in on Nyaman by Andmesh, I soon realized that I was looking down at my feet almost the whole time because I was STILL tripping on the skirts in my SNEAKERS. See, not girly enough. Bodoh. What made it all even more comical was as we ascended the stairs to the pelamin, Ahmad was nagging at me about not wearing heels. We were arguing about it AS WE WENT UP. It was so funny!

The entire photoshoot was awkward and comfortable at the same time.

The Helloluhv team was so awesome!

It turned out that Ahmad had a surprise for me. For starters, we had a whole crowd on the floor just cheering and wolf whistling us and shouting random stuff aka B, Kak Rose and Mak Long were the loudest. It was so funny and embarrassing at the same time, gosh. So, after cutting the pulut and giving the wedding speech (it was a big mistake not to draft out an outline or something cause I sounded so stupid just winging it. I feel la) Ahmad sang a song! And not just any song. The one and only song that I cry to when he sings it to me. Andmesh’s Cinta Luar Biasa. 

Now, Ahmad has sung songs to me for years but I have never felt any connection to the songs he sang. But on my birthday in 2019, when he surprised me with a treat to Carousel, this song came on in the van on the way there and for some reason, I understood every single word. He was also singing along. So I asked him to play it again. So when he sang along the second time, I teared up. This song made me feel things, man. The lyrics were so deep and meaningful, especially in terms of our relationship. To make things worse, ever since then, Ahmad enjoyed playing the song in the van and singing it to me just to make me cry. 

So, that’s the story behind why I cry when this song comes on. It’s not because it’s sad but it’s just how true every word is of the what we went through to get to where we are today, plus the part about flowers. I’ve been asking him for years when he’ll give me flowers (for whatever reason, I don’t care, cause I love flowers). There’s a lyric that goes: Aku tak punya bunga, aku tak punya harta, yang ku punya hanyalah hati yang setia, tulus padamu (I don’t have flowers, I don’t have wealth, what I have is a faithful heart, loyal to you). And THAT’S why I cry each time he sings this.

So when he sang this on our wedding day, of course the waterfall is a lot worse plus I had make up on. Genius, right, this guy. Yes, I get that he wants to be sweet and all (man, the cheers he got for singing and then it got super quiet when I cried so bad HAHAHA) but like, he knew how I felt about this song. I still don’t watch that part of the wedding video because of my ugly crying. Ugh. I still appreciate it though. But at that moment, I couldn’t control my tears because of how much we went through to finally be married. From my anxiety attack, my [crazy] mom, my sudden surgeries, my unfair termination, Ahmad changing his job all the way to that very day standing there in our wedding outfits. Of course the feelings would be overwhelming. But anyway, too late for that cause everyone saw it hahahaha.

My precious girls and maid turned older sis hahaha

She took care of us since I was 12 and now watched me get married :’)

I guess that was the highlights. It’s the 3rd of November today, over a year since we were officially married. I’d just like to take a moment to be thankful for this partner that Allah blessed me with. It’s been a year, and he has really been the best to me. Nothing changed since we got married except that we loved more and harder, and protected each other. He’s been my strength this entire year that we’ve been married and I’m so, so, so thankful to have him. If I ever have to do it over, I’d always choose him. A thousand times over. I pray Allah blesses this marriage till Jannah, Amin!

The next post will be on.... the honeymoon! Haih, belom habis lagi? Hahahahaha!

Girl Talk: The Reception after Nikah

Salam!

We got the wedding photos last month but I only have time to share now cause of the portfolio preparation period. But I’m done with it (yay!) so I can go back to blogging about my wedding. Gosh, it’s been such a slow process to pen down my thoughts and feelings about the entire wedding I’m afraid I may forget the details that were important to me. But then again, it was and will always be the most happiest day of my life (and Ahmad’s too, I hope) so I don’t think I’ll ever forget the details (and journey leading up) of the wedding. Teehee.

So this was the reception after the nikah. It was such a blur though. There were groups and groups of family, friends, mom and dad’s friends coming up to us with congratulations and requests for pictures. I really love our family picture though, both in the nikah outfit and the evening outfit.

Ahmad was looking so fabulous that day, by the way. *heart eyes*

The reception went smoothly, Alhamdulillah. All hands were on deck, and one of the most helpful all out one was Ayah Long’s. I didn’t see him in action but I already knew that he would be the one really helping out in the kitchen area. Even today, I really appreciate all he has done for this family because there were some things I learnt about him that made me really sad. My parents have always helped their family members, but I can’t really say the same vice versa. Despite that, Ayah Long has always been one of those who will step forward for my family with whatever he can and he will always remind me to tell him if I have problems. *hearts*

Anyway, we had the photoshoot at Changi Airport because it freaking rained and we couldn’t go outdoors. Fudge, my photographer, said that she can shoot in the rain, but I was thinking of the laundry part of the outfit that I’d have to pay if we returned it dirty. So we went to T3. The photos thankfully didn’t look like the airport. Yay!

The photos turned out so gorgeous that I got teary when I looked through everything. There were like, hundreds of photos, by the way. Hahahahaha. Fudge and her team did a really great job at documenting everything.

So anyway, after the photoshoot was over, Ahmad and me headed over to check into Concorde Hotel for the next day’s reception: his side. Which will be in another post because it was quite exciting!

Till the next post, InsyaAllah!

Girl Talk: The Nikah

Assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah, we are finally husband and wife on the 26th day of October 2019. Everything went so well, Alhamdulillah for everything, really (I do have complaints here and there but that will be stories for another day)

I have heard stories about how you get emotional during your nikah ceremony. I was so mentally prepared to cry (or even ugly cry) for mine. But to my surprise, I didn’t! I’m not sure if it’s just a delayed reaction/emotion because I only did later on but more on that later. So, the nikah. It was quite fast because we finished the burdariyah quite early and the Kadi also came early. So the nikah started earlier than 11.

Then, session power transfer from my Abah to Ahmad started. My heart was really beating so fast plus Ahmad looked reeeeeeally good in his baju melayu slash pengantin slash all that drama at JB over that particular baju *inserts eye rolling here*. Ahmad was confident and Abah was articulate. And how do they say it? Dengan sekali lafaz, sahlah kami sebagai suami isteri.

Prior to the wedding day, Ahmad’s mom created a WA group with us and his dad. She shared all sorts of advices and doas to read for the wedding day and marriage life. I was really touched by her initiative and willingness to share. So anyway, one of the doas was for this below:

After the nikah, Ahmad held the top of my head and read this doa.

This particular moment was so deep because I once asked Ahmad why the groom does this to his bride. Like, was there actually a doa in particular.

So apparently, yes, there is and Ahmad read it very confidently.

All I said was Amin, Amin, Amin. 

I legit cannot wait for the official photos.

& just like that, Alhamdulillah, we’re married!

I don’t have a picture of him kissing my forehead hais.

So there! That’s our nikah ceremony. That day was full of love and blessings, and so was the next day at Ahmad’s reception. The amount of love and support from family and friends were overwhelmingly overpowering. I could feel how happy everyone was for us. Like finally, this couple of 10 years since poly years are married. Hahahahahaha. 

It’s been 3 weeks since, and I couldn’t be happier. I married my best friend, my pillar of support, my imam and I hope Allah blesses this marriage until Jannah, InsyaAllah. Amin!

Salam! It’s been a while from me right?

Well, where do I even begin? The past year has been really, really, tremendously hard. So much happened to me in just a short span of time that it gets quite hard to believe that it all really happened, yknow what I mean?

By the way, the post about Sunday’s JB trip was just me pouring my frustrations out. I have never felt so stuck in the middle when it came to the wedding planning. This one gave me what Zaff called a mini anxiety attack. I really don’t want to feel that way again.

But like I said, the past year has been hard. I joined a new company only to be terminated on unfair and unreasonable grounds. During that termination notice period, I underwent 2 eye operations and even now, I’m still under medication and observation. When I found a new job, I had to go through another eye operation, which shocked the management but thankfully, they didn’t ask much. I am now in my 4th month (probation over) with my new company and I’m happier than I was in GUG. GUG was a very stressful place and Allah knew it. That unfair termination was really a blessing in disguise.

I have a very supportive team and environment at my current workplace and again, I am really, really thankful for that. It’s so rare to have such supportive and helpful colleagues. Although there are certain areas that can be improved (it’s an old centre/building), it’s a place I want to work hard for. Maybe I’ve found another “PCF” after all. Or am I saying that too soon? Hahaha.

Now, wedding. The reason why it’s been hard is only and only because of my mother. The demands she had were just too much. AKA “Dessert corner with 10 macam kuih” for a reception of 400pax... kek kukus berkat for tamu lelaki only (seriously wtf since when was berkat based on gender?), the rings (she said my diamond is NOT BIG ENOUGH, it’s freaking 0.3ct and that’s too big for ME and I’m the one wearing the ring not her right?!?!), Ahmad’s baju nikah issue was the last straw for me. I cried in the car behind my shades quietly, I had that anxiety attack, I cried again after we separated from Ahmad, I cried outside Nek Uteh’s house, I cried in the car journey back to SG. And my parents and Cik La never knew. The feelings of hatred towards my mother was too overwhelming that day. Like why she had to be so rigid and unreasonable.

I mean, in the case of the rings. She’s always gone on and on about how she wants her daughters’ husbands to be men who can guide her daughters to Syurga. But then demands him to be able to give a 1 ct diamond ring. I’m like, which one do you want? Dunia or akhirat? She’s so inconsistent, it’s so hard to keep up. And that’s why my sister can’t click with her.

We’re headed for ROMM tomorrow. I’m not sure if she’s coming with us because my dad has to go no matter what as he’s my wali. But if she follows too, I really am not sure what to expect. I feel so so so sorry towards Ahmad actually now. It’s so embarrassing to have my mother be so materialistic about the wedding when she’s always talked about barakah this and that. Friends said it’s because it’s the “sending off first child” thing and it would only get worse. I just don’t know what more I can take before I burst and it could get ugly.

I’m already tired from work issues and having to deal with this wedding related bullshit is just overwhelming. In the past 1 year of planning, it’s been so smooth and it’s only now that it’s a month away to the wedding that I’m suddenly feeling everything all at once. To the point I told myself, please just get the wedding over and done with already. I asked myself if I’m really gonna be okay with living away from my family, mainly my mother, once I’m married. I really don’t know and there’s only one way to find out right? I keep telling myself that it’s better for my mental health to be away from this crowded house. Cause I honestly really can’t. Anymore.

I really pray hard for patience. After that, I would like to go on a long holiday. Thanks.

Maybe I should start blogging more frequently to release pent up frustrations and whatever shitload. I realized my posts have decreased drastically hahaha. Let’s go back to doing Dear Diary everyday, shall we?

Till the next post. InsyaAllah.

The past week has been the hardest so far due to work.

But Sunday’s JB trip made me feel the worst thanks to my momster.

I’ve never had such an attack and it really helped to have friends who knew what it was like and had previously described their experiences to me.

I turned to the right person for support and Alhamdulillah, thankfully it was over before I knew it.

I’m just thankful that I was aware of my feelings and fought my way out.

I dont’t ever want to feel that way again.

I don’t know what else is in store the rest of this journey because the cobaan level went up another notch, if not a few.

I need to keep reminding myself to stay calm.

I’ve been so calm about the wedding preparations and I want to keep it that way. 

The only person who messes it up for me is my mother.

All I pray for is more patience from this point on leading up to the wedding.

Friends told me it will only get worse and I don’t doubt that.

All I hope for is just patience dealing with that.

I don’t need a legitimate breakdown to prove a point.

It doesn’t have to go that far.

May Allah ease all our affairs.