My favourite shot out of all the photos.

So, 2011 is ending in 30 minutes' time. I'm just here to write my last post in 2011. Ya know, feeling feeling last day of the year. I enjoyed the past few days actually. Awesome BBQ at Kang's place at Cashew Heights, exchanging gifts with GA for the first time, watching Ahmad get thrown in the pool, staying home the whole day for once, photo-shoot at Fort Canning, walking around Orchard with the girls, gamelan in the morning, catching up with who-else-but-Liyana-Ali, wandering around the airport, long talks at Ya Kun. Bliss, bliss, bliss.

This year has been fun, although I must say there were those few times that really brought me down. You lose some, you gain some. I'll just let nature take its course. If it's meant to be, it will be. :)

One important thing I learnt this year is that when life knocks you down, you have to just get back up. There were too many times when I felt like I just got slammed in the face by a wall because reality can be so cruel, but then I learnt, I just had to be strong. I can really say that the weakest I've ever felt this year was on Reflections day. No doubt that I'd always remember that day. Sometimes, it automatically replays in my head whenever I'm alone. Even now, I still can't believe it happened. Many things changed since then, although it wasn't that obvious, but, well, it is to me. But then from that experience, I learnt that even though it hit me so hard in the chest, there was no turning back because the damage was done. I just had to move on. So I did.

I had to move on from a lot of things this year. Seriously.

Well, here's to the new year. Every end of the year, I always wish for the same thing: to be stronger than I was the year before. I don't know if I have this year, but I guess only Allah has the answer to that.

Well then, happy new year one and all! :)

(Habib is looking out of the window right now, same usual position. Such a k-po cat.)

I don't know why.

But it's not like it can stop.

I really miss spending my time with this guy.

FYP really sucks.

I'd rather have internship, seriously, but it's too late.

I won't give up.

It still brings me down, but I keep telling myself to hang on.

Because this is my test.

I need to realize that even though I was given these problems,

I still have very good people around me.

A good family.

& a whole bunch of good friends.

I wonder now why I kept it a secret for three years.

But under different circumstances, the outcome would have been different.

But I guess I'll just go with the flow.

Through this, I'll know who was real and who was fake.

:)

I shouldn't be here, especially at this time, 'cause I have to meet Mirah at 9am tomorrow. But I just feel like posting something after so long of not blogging. [Sorry for that, Haz. Hehe.]

Well, to start off, FYP is making me absolutely miserable. Because of the terrible reviews from the evaluator during the Mid-Sem Evaluation, we had to split the work equally so now I have more to do. It's almost the end of Week 9 and I've been staying up so late since last week to try and code everything. So far, so good, until today, something went wrong and my create_album.php and do_create_album.php did not work. I was just about to start on the upload_photos code. Damn suay. So I'm relying on Mirah tomorrow to help me. Sigh.

This week's plan was to skip every Gamelan practice there is so that I could concentrate on my coding and this was a good idea. Although the codes don't work, for now, at least I'm halfway through. I just need another week, so most probably, next week I'll skip practices too.

Anyway, if Ahmad didn't send me his advanced 28th month wish slash message, I would not have remembered at all. But well, heh. It's kinda hard to believe it's the 28th month tomorrow, OUR 28th month. I'm like, so fast? It feels like yesterday that we were classmates, and played Blind Man with Syai and the rest of W35F melayus. It feels like yesterday that he shipped himself off to Sydney and left me stuck with Balinese but which I truly love later on. & not forgetting that just last Saturday, I sat in the same car as his parents and had mini-conversations with them. So, we're kinda even now. Meet-the-parents sessions: checked.

It's kinda amazing how fast time flies. We've known each other since poly started for us. Sometimes, I myself can't believe it. You know, that we lasted this long, after everything we've been through. Hell yeah man, we've been through so much, I can't believe we actually made it this far. But hey, who's complainin'?

I know there's no such thing as perfect. I know how girls always talk about how perfect their boyfriends are and how they think he's the one and yada yada. I find that annoying sometimes. Am I like that? Pardon me if I am because sometimes, I get into the 'so in love' mode, I get carried away. Haha.

Truth is, I don't hope for anything. At all. I'm serious. People have asked me, "Then what's the point of you being in a relationship with him?" I say, "Jodoh di tangan Allah." If it's meant to be, it will be. :) It's not that I don't think he's the one. I think that I'm not good enough for him. That is why I'm trying to be a better person. You know, more positivity *hint hint*, less negativity. It will be hard but I'll try.

That being said, I'm gonna go off to sleep now. Ahmad Mustaqim, the past month has been a revelation for me too. It's something we've never done for each other but just till that point of time, it became important. I hope it never stops. Thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, thank you. :3

Relationships must be like the relationship between hand & eyes. If hand gets hurt, eyes cry, & if the eyes cry, the hand wipes its tears.

I want to be able to smile the way I do whenever he's around.

:(

Believe me, I've tried so hard to be strong.

I really have.

I've been so emotional ever since that day.

Like, the slightest thing could just set me off.

Or ruin the rest of my day.

Because ever since that day,

all the walls I worked so hard to build the past 3 years,

went crashing down.

The walls that protected me from the things people say,

the walls that kept me from being close to people because they'd end up leaving me,

the walls that protected my heart from getting hurt,

the walls that helped me prevent history from repeating itself,

the walls that cushioned the pain each time I receive a blow,

the walls that prevented me from feeling things I didn't want to feel,

These walls, are gone.

Everything, everyday, affects me greatly now.

It doesn't matter what.

Even the smallest thing upsets me.

I used to be stronger.

Now, I don't have the strength to stay strong.

If I get through a day, it's nothing but a miracle.

& I'm always thankful for that.

Still, if only I had been more careful.

If.

Only.

I feel guilty.

I still do.

Hello! I am back after such a hectic week. Yes, I was at USS the whole of yesterday and slept over at Hard Rock Hotel from Thursday 'til today. USS was awesome, for the rides of course, not for the people. The crowd is madness. The roller coasters are damn super awesome to the max, words alone can't even describe. I love the feeling of feeling like you're risking your life on a dangerous spinning high speed roller coaster ride. It makes life all the more fun. I screamed so much yesterday, but apparently not enough to lose my voice like I did at Ancol. Hahahaha, but, well, it was an enjoyable experience with family and our closest friend who is practically like a sister; Nafisah. Went for a swim last night for the first time since a year. Pathetic, I know. Ever since I started wearing hijab, I didn't know how to go swimming, which is stupid because my swimming costume itself is already long sleeves from top to bottom. Ohwells. So I swam my heart out and wrestled with sister on the swimming pool sand. Yes, one of the swimming pools was designed like a real beach, with real fine sand. How awesome izzat?! Kalau honeymoon kat sini pon jadi la sia. HAHAHAHA!!

I deserved this break, like honestly. Show day really messed up my mind. The last thing that I wanted to happen, the very thing that I feared, just had to be on an important day where I needed my mind to be clear. I think the Nagas have never seen me break down that bad. All I knew at that point of time, was Ahmad's hands gripping mine and telling me to calm down. I made so many worry, I made so many cry with me, I made so many panic, and I made Ahmad cry too. I know it's not my fault, but I'm really sorry. I'm sorry it happened, even though deep down, I knew that it would happen eventually. I just didn't expect it to be on show day or that soon.

I talked to Shaa about it the next day. We even cried together. She is the fourth person to tell me that I'm very lucky to have someone like Ahmad by my side. Yes, I am, I realize I truly am. Ever since day 1, he has always guided me and given me the best advice, no matter how harsh it may sometimes be. Because after some time, it actually knocked sense into me. For someone who is younger than me, he sure has a lot of knowledge it makes me feel like a little child. But again, I am truly thankful to have him.

I'm thankful that everyone understood me, and were there for me, and dried my tears. But I still fear for the future. All that I am afraid of is getting hurt. It's just that simple. 

"cos you're beautiful no matter what they say, cos words can't bring you down."

There is a reason for everything that happens. Maybe it was really time. It caught me off-guard, but that was the day I realized that I'd always had true friends and good people by my side the past three years. & I'm thankful to Allah for letting me realize this now.

I think I would normally say this, "So much for keeping it a secret."

But now, I don't think so anymore. Allah knows best, and He knows why this happened. So, I trust in him. & I will accept whatever that comes my way from this point on. As long as I have Him, I will be strong. :)

It's been a year since you left us, Angah. How fast time flies. Later, it will be two years, three years, and so on. & then there will eventually come a time when no one will remember your passing. Everyone's so absorbed in their own matters that they never stopped for a moment to remember a sibling who used to be a part of this family, an aunt and a mother who loved the children in this family so dearly.


On Hari Raya Aidiladha, I saw Fazilah for the first time since so long and it hit me, she has your smile. She looks so much like you, it hurts to even look at her.

I hope you're happy there out of your misery. You fought long and hard, and bravely. I think I've never seen the kind of courage that you had in those few months that you were in our care. You were so strong. I read through my past posts in 2010 and the few times that I broke down in front of you or because of you.

I miss you. There's so many things I want to say to you. But above all, I want to tell you I miss you. I miss speaking to you in a language that's foreign to people who are not used to the deaf.


I just miss you so much. & I'll always remember you in my prayers.

Why would I want anyone else when I've got the best?

<3

Always.

<3

My fever has finally gone down.

But the body aches have not.

Neither have the headaches and occasional migraine.

I miss this guy.

K bye.

I couldn't agree more.

Today wasn't enough.

Nothing seems to be enough.

I miss everything about you.

Soaking in all of you in one day isn't enough.

I miss you.

I was having very bad cramp pains since yesterday. Still had the pain this morning so I skipped school. It was unbearable. Drifted in and out of sleep until I received a message from my favourite boy. He sent me the picture above and I love it. This is what he does at work. Hahaha. Nope, this is not what he is supposed to do. He just has a lot of free time at work, that's all. When I saw the date, it took me a moment to realize that we've really been together for 2 years. Sometimes, it still feels like a dream. This guy is just too good to be true. :3

Now, I'm off to start doing FYP again. Nice to be home, actually. For once, because my sis also skipped school. ;p

Loving You Tonight

I was finally able to meet this cute boy on Saturday. Although the last time we met was for a brief few minutes on Wednesday, it felt like ages since I last saw him. Going to school alone was kind of miserable since I've been so used to him teasing me during the morning walks to school the last 4 semesters. So that Saturday, terubatlah rindu aku. :p

We ate at Burger King where I tasted fastfood bacon for the first time since I came back from Australia. He told me all about his internship, and I updated him on stuff happening in school. It was nothing much actually. Just that, school was never so boring. Goes to show how much of an entertainment he is. :p

After lunch, we walked around Plaza Singapura for a while. Covered most of the upper floors only. And throughout, we teased each other. I missed teasing him. Amazing how 3 days make a difference. I really obviously missed this guy. So, we were walking in and out of the shops on the topmost level when I discovered that one of the shops sold cameras. Holgas, Polaroid cameras, lomo cameras, and most definitely, Diana! It was a whole set. I was so excited! Hahaha. & then we started arguing because apparently, he'll be getting a lot of money the next few months.

1) $400 per month from his internship for 4 months.
2) Gamma Rays performances
3) Gamelan Asmaradana/Gamelan Express performances

While I have like, what? 1 performance coming up in November, and I don't even know if I'll get much. He has 2 GR performances coming up. Ugh.

& yes, at that point of time, I realized, he's going to be richer than me. & heck, I couldn't accept that. Hahaha! So he used this money thing to irritate the hell out of me the whole time we were on our way to Kerbau Road. Everyone in GSM welcomed him happily. Rehearsal that day was awesome. Why? Because I tried playing the Reong for Gambang Suling. I've always been playing the Pengecah with Mei Yin, so when Niky told me to play Reong, I kinda panicked. It always looked hard to me, even though I've always been fascinated by the sounds. So I tried. It was hard at first, but I think I'll get the hang of it over time. But it's really, really, really awesome.

After rehearsal, Kak Ros invited us to watch an open gamelan show at Esplanade. So we decided to go. And it was awesomeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! The storyline was on Ramayana, about Sinta and Rama's love story or something like that, and Rhawana, the demon, kidnapped Sinta and stuff. We stayed for all three half-an-hour shows. Oh, and might I add, the Nasi Goreng Ikan Bilis at Makansutra is yummy, man! Omg, I just loooooooove ikan bilis. HAHA!

I was sad when the night ended. It meant he had to go. and it meant that I don't know for sure when I'll see him again. I admit that I've cried every night since school started. Not just every night, I'd cry even when I randomly think about him. I'd cry when I miss him. I'd cry in the mornings, on the way to Pasir Ris MRT, knowing he wouldn't be at Woodlands, waiting to walk to school with me. I'd cry when I read his messages. I'd cry when I look at his pictures in my phone.

But, ohwells. I'll get over it soon, I guess.

But now I know, what it means to truly, really love someone. So much that it hurts not to be near, hurts to miss them, hurts to cry. & when they're not around, you just don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do with myself, seriously.

I just want to be busy soon. ASAP. Because that was how I got through the 2 months he was away in Australia. Being busy helps. Very busy. FYP, please start soon. & the intensive GNK practices should start soon.

Okay, after much crying trying to type these out, though I do feel better now, I am hungry. So, I shall go unredden my eyes and get food from Art Bites next door. Craving for their spaghetti, yumm.


Take care, y'all. :D

And I'll say, hey

You'll say baby, how's your day

I'll say, crazy

But its all gonna be alright

You'll kiss my smile

I'll pull you closer

Spend awhile just gettin' to know ya

But its all gonna be alright

Loving you tonight

Ohh Ohh Yeaaah

Loving you tonight

Ohhh Ohh, Yeaahh

Last Kiss

Happy 26th monthsary, baby! :)

& I'll wait patiently for the day we can meet again. :3

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe

And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

I'd give anything to be here, right now.

School sucks.

The only thing that keeps me going is gamelan.

That's ALL.

:(

Bye.

Emo mode for the rest of the semester.

Sayang ♥♥♥

Headphones for his birthday present.

Happy Birthday, dearest boy of mine!!

:3

I'll see you when I see you. :)

Kamu telah mengisi lubuk hatiku

Jauh dalam relungku

Pernahkah kau merasakannya

Jangan Pergi

Bear with me, this might be long. :D

Melbourne, Victoria, Australia SOT 18-25 September

This dear lovely boyfriend of mine was supposed to perform with Gamma Rays for Rev Up at Orchard that night but he was requested to not perform due to the lack of stage space. I was pissed when I found out because he was one of the few who always turns up for practice without fail (proud girlfriend speaking here. :p) but they chose to kick him out instead of someone else. Being a newbie sucks. I should know, cause I didn't get to perform for the Balinese performance at NAC when I returned either. But that's beside the point. So, anyway, I was on the way to T3 with my family and I texted him, saying that I'm already on the way yada yada yada. & this dear boy said, "I otw gi pasar." So that line was used before which was why I knew what he meant but I just didn't want to believe it. I mean, it was a Sunday night which meant ngaji for him so yeah, go figure. I was greatly superbly happy that he came, honestly.

In his words, "Things took a turn, I never perform. It's the universe telling me I should send you off."

<3

It was my first time on a long journey flight where I can actually remember it for real. My first was when I was in 5 or 6, towards the same destination, but I can hardly remember that. So yeah, this sunrise was breathtaking. :)

So when we arrived, we had lunch and straightaway went for the campus tour at RMIT. It's a nice campus. The most shocking thing for me is the fact that there were quite a number of girls with hijab on campus. Well, not just on campus but everywhere we went. I was like, this is good man, real good. But honestly, during the introductions that the lecturers did, I totally fell asleep! HAHAHA! It was interesting to a certain level, knowing about the different courses they have but it was like, meh. I enjoyed the campus tour though. Cute ang mohs galore! :p

The next day was the campus tour at 2 Monash campuses: Caulfield and Clayton.  At Caulfield, I talked to one of RP's graduates who took the advanced pathway to Monash and I got all the information I wanted from him. He was really friendly and funny. The most amazing thing is, he paid for his education without his parents' help. So independent, unless he had a personal family problem that made him have to do so. I didn't want to pry so I didn't ask. The Clayton campus was huge!!! When we were walking down the botanic garden, there were condoms everywhere. Yes, C-O-N-D-O-M-S. The ang moh guy who brought us around was like, "Oh, nah, it's normal here." All the girls were like, O.O!

HIMSS! 2 days of endless talk sessions that had me yawning away at many points, and proud CIOs who sometimes refuse the evaluation forms we give out. The first day was damn boring, and lunch for me was just a doughnut because they served possibly not halal chicken sandwiches and sushi. The second day was better because we were in charge of a small room instead of a big theatre. Sitting outside at the table and joking around was never more fun with people like Eddy and Rezwan. Lunch on that day was just a chocolate tart because they served pork. Sigh. Some of the delegates were friendly and even chatted with us a little. Nice to know that there are still nice big shots around. We walked back to our hotel that day instead of taking the bus. & it was a good idea because the night city lights were absolutely gorgeous. We walked down the Yarra River and it was spectacular at sunset and after sunset. You could say it was romantic too. :p

Philip Island the next day was a real retreat. The chocolate factory was a fun journey, being able to make our own chocolate while learning about how it is made. Shopping for the chocolates was never so miserable. Bloody expensive. I could only get as much for GNK and my family. Quite sad, actually. & the chocolate was delicious too! After that, we headed for the Penguins Reserve.Along the way, we passed stretches of long grass (I think) and we saw kangaroos too! The moment we saw the kangaroos, everyone in the bus got over-excited! It was hilarious, and they were all making dialogues and stuff. Hilarious max. The Little Penguin experience was out of this world. I plan to bring my family there someday. It's like, you wait on the benches facing the cold wind blowing from the ocean, and your eyes watch the shores expectantly, waiting for any sign of the penguins arriving. & they're really tiny! I was shocked at first, until I found out that they were the smallest species of penguins. & I also learnt, that when they have a mate, they stick together for life. It's like, awwwwwwwwwwwww~~~!!! This picture below is my favourite out of all the pictures on Philip Island. Credits to Rizwan! :D

Finally, the main highlight. The bus ride up to come here was maddeningly nauseating. I was really on the verge of throwing up. There were so many turns and bends, I really needed fresh air at one point. Then, a miracle! We stopped for lunch. It was during lunch that they were all talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends and I realized that I hadn't called Ahmad yet. Oops. 6 days there and no phone call. When he went to Sydney last February, he called me on his second day there. (Hee, jangan marah. Call jugak pe. :p) He sounded happy though, and I even got to tease him. Yeah, about a super long message he sent me the night before. WHILE I WAS STILL ASLEEP. Time difference is 2 hours, by the way. Melbourne is earlier. Anyway, this below is Twelve Apostles. Beautiful, gorgeous, spechlessly breathtaking. The wonders of Mother Nature, the beauty of Allah's creation. :)

Loch Ard Gorge

Loch Ard Gorge

The trip home was on the Airbus! I dunno which one, don't really care, but it was suuuuuuper cool, I swear. I had to sit next to Syazwan Mr. Annoying But Funny At Times who snored soundly during take-off. Watched 3 movies: Pirates, On Straner Tides (which I laughed my ass off because Jack Sparrow is simply hilarious!), Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak (#amirkhanforever, plus I cried like crazy, Romeo & Juliet storyline) and Water for Elephants, which I didn't get to finish cause of touchdown. But seriously, it was a great trip with great friends and classmates. Making new friends and joking around with them, this trip was worth my money. :D

So that's it, my Melbourne trip, summarized edition. Heh. Might I add that Shy-Me ran away from home the day I left. She knew her mistress will be away so she slipped out to be naughty. HAHA! Made my whole family panic because when I left, I specifically told them to watch Shy-Me since I won't be around. My sis felt guilty, and my parents wanted to buy me a new cat if they couldn't find Shy-Me. This was the reason why I dreamt about that lovely cat on the second night in Melbourne. :D

Back to reality now. School starts next week. Bummer. I've been having headaches since my return but it's slowly dying off. I have one class with a girl I don't really like, I don't know how I'll survive. The up side is Business Finance with B Zulaiha Jalani, at least a familiar face in this class.

The most depressing part, as we have learnt today, is internship this whole semester for Ahmad Mustaqim. Need I say more? :( x892376432871084328724309

But we'll survive. We always have. :)

I miss the nice cold weather in Melbourne. Sigh.

Jangan pergi, jangan pergi

Jangan kau pergi

Ku tak ingin sendiri

Ku tak sanggup, ku tak sanggup

Sungguh tak sanggup

Hidup tanpa cintamu

Home

I'm back but this is just a short update until my body is feeling better.

Yes, jet lag, this is.

First time that I ever slept at 8pm in Singapore.

Woke up at 4am and 7am today.

4am because in Melbourne, we wake up at 5am and 6am, depending on schedule.

7am, I dunno why.

I'm really tired, and I'm lying down with my eyes half closed as I type this.

My body is super weak and tired, and I'm having a headache.

I just read the email and I just want to say, I'm hopeful for the future.

Someday we'll be reunited. :)

Take care, all.

I'll do a proper update on my trip when I'm feeling better.

:)

Jet Lag

Last night in Singapore.

Half excited, half nervous.

A little scared too.

I've always been hearing things about the racism in Australia.

But, I guess I'll just leave it to Him. :)

Wish me a safe journey, ya?

I will miss you too. :)

You say good morning

When it’s midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

It’s drivin me mad

I miss you so bad

And my heart heart heart is so jetlagged

Heart heart heart is so jetlagged

Heart heart heart is so jetlagged

Is so jetlagged

Sambutlah Kasih

My birthday present from Ahmad Mustaqim<3<3

An iPhone cover whose pattern is almost similar to the wallet I bought for his birthday last year.

& the milk rings - no comments.

"What happened in the train will stay in the train."

I'm glad no one but only us knows. Embarrassment of 2010.

I love this boy, always so full of surprises.

We can do no great things; only small things with great love.

This fits, doesn't it? :)

Tak ku hiraukan panas mentari lagi

Demi cinta kurela menanti

Takkan goyang walau badai kan melanda

Seribu tahun kutetap setia

Lupakanlah dukamu yang silam

Hulur tanganmu sambut kasihku

Mari bersama kita melangkah

Membina cinta abadi

 Seoul Garden with this lovely girl, Hazlinda .

It was a bet between the two of us on who can eat the most.

No one won 'cause we were bloated at the same time.

HAHA!

After that, we spent $20 at Timezone for some exercise. :p

Now, I've got the cramps.

& I still haven't packed for Melbourne.

But, I've become best friends with Shy-me.

Heh <3

Ahmad Mustaqim is the sweetest surprise package everrr.

:3

We went through a lot... you and me. I miss you. I miss us.

Time away from you has been good for me. It hurts less every time the realization that we can never go back to how things were hits me.


I can never say enough sorry's for everything that happened.
& till now, I'm still lost, still off-balanced, still unsure.
I've wept enough tears just for this.
Yet, it never seems enough.


I wonder how long this will be.

Well, how should I describe 1st Syawal? Emotional. & not only that, it was like deja vu. Exactly like last 1st Syawal. Someone was on her deathbed. The day went well at first, I swear. I was just about to begin having fun. Until we saw Little Miss Pink in Tok Bak's house entering the bedroom when we arrived. When I saw her pretty little not-a-hair-out-of-place head entering my granddad's bedroom, I knew immediately that nothing had changed and that I was right. She forgot about all the good things we've done for her in the midst of pursuing her happiness. Which probably isn't anymore seeing how her ang moh husband wasn't around with her. But I can't just anyhow assume so I shall not say anything about that part. But even though I hated her for being such a coward to run away the minute we arrived, deep inside, I wanted to go in that room to say, "Hi, Mama, I missed you." I really wanted to do that. So when Ayah Long and Uncle Yoyo's family were done with eating, we set off for the hospital where my great-grandma was in critical condition. My sis and me were actually near the kitchen, contemplating whether or not we should enter the room and say hi. Unfortunately, I think it's the power of "Mothers Know Best" that made my mother yell for our names and we had to get out of the house. But our brilliant maid came up with the idea for us to go back inside with an excuse that we need to use the toilet. So well, it worked, but just not the way we wanted. Little Miss Pink was in the living room talking to grandpa's wife and her back was towards us. So we waited a while for her to finish but she never did, as though it was on purpose. Then she walked away, without even acknowledging us. As though we were invisible.

I cried in the car. I pretended to sleep but the tears were sliding down my face. I was asking myself if we, the nieces, actually deserved this. The feud is between the adults, but why are the children affected too? What did we do wrong to deserve this? Every house we went, she was there, but she never approached us, never looked at us. She talked to the other aunts and uncles, but not my parents.

We went to St.Luke Hospital for a while. & it was there that I remembered Angah so vividly. It was exactly the same like last year on 1st Syawal. The adults were crowded around the bed, and me and sis and maid were sitting to one side, just watching. Then after a short discussion with them, I decided to go greet moyang. So I went. I wish I could say I regret going to see her because the image has been stuck in my mind ever since then, but I can't. Her hands were cold, her mouth and tongue were so dry, and she took breath by breath so difficultly. I held her thumb cause her fingers were bandaged for some reason. I watched her take breath after breath and I was reminded of Angah. She was fine hours before she passed away. & then suddenly, she did. I guess for nenek moyang, she had always been healthy cause she had the saka in her. But her health deteriorated ever since they took out the saka. Ohwells.

After the house after the hospital, Ucu called. He greeted, "Hello? Boleh saye cakap dengan Cik Fazlun?" Just that line made me smile so huge. I was so happy to hear from him again. To make a long story short, we picked his family up on the way to Ayah Long's house. & there, for the first time, 4 families were reunited after a decade of being apart. Although it wasn't the complete picture that I always hoped for, at least it was something. Having him back meant the whole world to me.

I wanted more pictures with them, but they promised to come by our place.

This guy is annoying, but he is what lights up the gathering.

I watched Little Miss Pink acknowledge our other cousins, saying stuff like "Wah you've grown up already!" and whatever shit, and me and sis were at the corner, just watching and feeling hurt. Is that alright at all? No, it's not. It hurts. I wish I had the guts to pour out everything I feel straight to her face, but I don't have the heart to. Maybe my sis is right. She's still family, no matter what she's done. I'll just have to stand by what my maid told us: "Orang yang dekat dengan Allah adalah orang yang selalu make the first move." We tried to approach her, but she avoided us. So I guess that speaks for itself, huh?

I cried myself to sleep last night, right after AzroyBoy and family left and my sis was already asleep. I never knew that even family could turn into strangers.

There is a reason for everything that happens, I guess. :) I hope everyone's having a blast. I hope I soon will too, as long as I get over this. GNK next week taking the lorry around. I'm looking forward to that. :D

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI

Ramadhan came, and now, it's gone.

For some, they rejoice, for some, they wonder.

Will I see Ramadhan again next year?

From now on, every 1st Syawal, I will remember the day Angah had a fit and we all thought she was going to die. She acted just like it, salam-ing everyone and saying goodbye. Tomorrow will be the first year anniversary. I remember the events that happened that day as though it just happened yesterday. I cried oceans that day. I was so afraid. But it turned out she just lacked oxygen. Unfortunately, 2 months later, she really went. But I guess everything happens for a reason. When she passed away, she was finally put out of her misery.

Here's the first Aidilfitri without her. How time flies. She was very brave and strong throughout her cancer. I've never experienced the loss of a loved one like this. & I've been feeling this low since yesterday, when I remembered how we used to stay over at her house and spend the day playing Barbie in her spare room. Her house used to smell so nice. The crikcrik of her squeaky wheels wheelchair that used to always echo in our house last Ramadhan. I'm tearing up just typing this out.

It's amazing how one moment you could be alive and kicking. But yet, you don't know if you'll even be alive the next moment. Life is that short. Allah will just take you away without any warning.

Well, I'm sure all the Muslims out there are rejoicing on being able to eat in the afternoons now. Haha. So anyway...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my Muslim friends! Mohon maaf zahir dan batin.. If I've ever done you wrong, please accept my sincerest apologies. Love, Faz.

He looks like a kangaroo, doesn't he? Habib has so many types of sleeping positions. & he loves to perch over edges where his front paws will be hanging. So cute! :D We're bathing the two kitties this weekend, so that they'll smell fresh for Raya. Hehe. Been working hard for my share of the kuih raya. Sucks when you only have 2 ovens in the kitchen and Mommy needs to use both to make Kuih Lapis. I can't make my second batch of Honey Cornflakes, Cornflake Macarons and Swedish Thumbprints. Tsk. Have to wait till Saturday.

I foresee lots of drama during Raya because some kind of drama is on its way into the family right now. Wonder if Snow White and Dwarf would be showing up for Raya with us. I doubt it, but I'm hopeful. Even though I know I'll be let down, just like all the previous years, I'm still hopeful. So anyway, this drama, is really something. I was thinking, about time it happened. But well, who am I to say anything? It's the adults' problems so let's just leave it to them, shall we?

It's 11.11am now and I'm in school starting to revise on a 4.30pm paper. Awesome right? But well, I really need this time alone to study. I can NEVER study in peace at home. So, wish me luck 'cause it's the final paper! :D

This weekend is gonna be chaotic, I swear. With the kuih waiting to be picked up by various people, and last minute shopping at IKEA and for Raya. I wanna buy new brooch but I dunno where's nice! I saw one brooch at Arab Street that was so freaking lovely but guess the price? $67!!! Heart attack sia. So ex for just a brooch with little diamonds all over! But what's scary is Mum spending $555.10 on herself, me and my maid. 9 tudungs, 1 baju butterfly and 2 long dresses. Seriously, when she spends, she goes all out. But that's only when my dad's not beside her to watch over her spending. HAHA!

Alrighty, gotta go. Sucks to be alone in the library. Pfft.