He told me to watch a video on his Tumblr yesterday, and when I did, I cried, even though it was funny. I love this guy. He makes me forget everything that's happening in my life. With him, I just feel so happy. Thank you, dearest. I love you, aged or not aged. :)

It gets harder and harder each day to be patient with this family, with this house, and even, with myself. But whatever. I realized that worrying and getting mad at that family is pointless because they're oblivious to it. So I'll just let my parents handle it.

9 days of puasa left. Last night, I joined my maid to solat malam. She taught me a different one. First was solat Taubat. Then, solat Tasbih. Last was solat Hajat. & though there was a lot to read, at the end of it, I felt so........ the feeling cannot be described. &&, my maid just told me that I'm at Juz 6 in the Quran~~~!!!! HAHAHAHAHA. & all this while, I thought I was still at Juz 3. Loser sia Fazzzz.

Okay, off to sleep. Gotta wake up at 3am. Nights, people. Take care, and always be in the best of health. :)

2nd day of cleaning up led to playing with the cats at the end of the day. Hehehehe.

I spent this afternoon at my sick aunt's house in Tampiness, packing her stuff and sorting out the ones that she wants to throw away. The stuff that she won't be using at my house, we packed them into boxes and will put them in the store at I-dunno-where in Changi or something. We spent like, 4 hours packing and throwing unwanted stuff. So when I was tasked to pack the shelf of photo albums into boxes, my curiosity led me to the discovery of a few unexpected photos. Photos that I never thought existed. Meet my maternal grandmother for the first time.

I stared at her face for a long time, as though even an eternity of staring wouldn't be sufficient. She is beautiful, that's all I can say. I wish Allah had given me a chance to get to know her, even if it was for just a short time. But I think that Allah loves her more than I do, so that's why He took her away. I took this picture from the album as well. It brought some tears to my eyes. I gave that picture to my sis, since she doesn't own a picture of our grandmother. I had another one, scroll down please.

My grandparents went Haji together and I didn't know! Okay, I did la, but I forgot. When I saw this picture, I couldn't help but feel that they are perfect for each other. That my grandpa was the good guy I always saw him as. & he had stuck with her throughout her cancer. This picture was actually a polaroid, which is another reason why I wanted this picture for myself. You can see from the top of the picture that it's damn old because it's yellowing. It's been like what? 17 years since she passed away. What I would give to feel her arms around me just once. Even if that has ever happened when I was 3 and below, I have no recollections of that happening. If only I could find a picture of her carrying me in her arms. That would be enough for me, just the knowledge that she once held me.

The next picture I came across is this one. This is the flawless family I once had. When everyone is together, and there is not a missing person. Well, there is a few, they were probably behind the camera person, telling the babies to smile or something, I don't know. But at that point of time, there was no conflicts, nothing that led the family to the state it is right now. Everyone was together, there is always gatherings, and I daresay everyone was happy. Now? I don't think so. My mum has always said that if her eldest brother was still alive right now, this would not happen. All the siblings are afraid of him and will listen to him. I wasn't given a chance to get to know him either. But I know, he once held me in his arms. He passed away before my grandmother did, of brain cancer.

I feel even more drawn to the past right now. But I know that I can't stay there, because then, I'd always be miserable. I do love what I have right now, and I am grateful and thankful to have it. But sometimes, you'd look back to the better things you used to have and can't help but compare between then and now. I guess I just need to learn to get used to it.

Okay, getting too emotional. :(

This is Tom, the cat at my sick aunt's place. The other one is Jack, not in picture but you can see the tail. When the house is rented out, these cats will no longer be around. Sad much.

I guess I'll go to sleep. Had to ditch Ahmad just to get this post done. Sorry, baby. :(

Ramadhan is almost coming to an end, just less than a fortnight left. Time just really flies like nobody's business. It gets frustrating when everything just flies by so fast, that you're not able to sit back and enjoy whatever that comes. Sigh.

Bye all, hope you'll always be in the best of health. Take care! =)

The Reason

When I think about how I lack a brotherly figure in my life, I look at her and I realize, no, I don't need a brother. I have a sister who cares deeply for me and in whom I can confide in whenever I have problems. She speaks nothing but the truth, and though she may be spiteful with her words sometimes, they always make sense to me. Nothing is better than words hurting you because they only have truth in them. She listens to me, and she gives me advices when I need them. There is always something she does that never fails to make me laugh. & recently, she has been making me laugh a lot. I appreciate it, knowing that she knows what I am going through. But what I'm going through is the same for her. We are in the same boat. Crying together never felt better. It doesn't make me feel alone. She even promised me that she would never do what that bitch did to my mother. & I told her I would never do such a thing to her either. I'm thankful to have her. I know that no matter what, I'll always have the best friend in her that I can turn to anytime. :')

We met Farhan and Fatimah for the first time since a year. & a year has indeed changed them a lot. In looks, in behaviour, in speech, in maturity. Well, I can understand why they took a few seconds to recognize me (me in tudung~~ duhhh.) but somehow, they seemed afraid, of perhaps getting into trouble with their daddy just 'cause they met us. After I said goodbye to them, I started crying. Really missed them a lot. & I observed that Farhan is a good brother to Fatimah, and I am so goddamn thankful that their early childhood life has made them grow maturely. I hope and will always hope that they're living the life they deserve, especially after everything they went through. When I grow up, when I get better, when I have a car, when I have a job, when I have money, I will bring them wherever they wanna go.

It's not fair that we have to sacrifice our happiness this raya just for you bitch and family. I've always had respect for your husband because I thought you both were different and he is better than you, but I was wrong. You are both the same: SELFISH. You use people to your advantage, and when you don't need them, you don't give a fuck when they suffer and it was all thanks to you. As long as you're happy, you don't give a shit if others are not. I fucking want you out of my house, and I would tell you that myself but my mother promised to do it, so I just wanna wait and see. I cannot think of the worse bad word to even describe you because none match. You are far worse than that.

My leg itches to kick that bloody amount of fats out of my door, the brats along with them fats. I never thought I would ever have to experience a specific peribahasa, but I've only just realized it: Bagaimana acuan, begitu kuihnya. What you have bred are clones of you. & that is very sad, if you ask me. I only know that once they grow up, you're the one who suffers. One thing for sure, if Angah dies, and you cry, be prepared to receive a major, big, fucking piece of my mind. Because you don't have the right to cry because those would be crocodile tears. & I would myself slap your face, even if that would happen in front of our relatives. Oh man, I so can't wait for that day. The feeling would be damn satisfying.

This Ramadhan really brought a lot of cubaan for me.

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

YOG lights seen from my doorstep. I love my house.

Who are you now?

It's hard to get used to this everyday. The sight of my aunt vomitting. No matter what, I'll never get used to it, and sometimes, I avoid her because it hurts so much to hear her in pain. The doctor said, anytime. I'm not prepared for an anytime. Seriously. Just now, I thought she was gonna drop dead. She looked so weak, and her face showed agony, and I didn't know what to do or say or think. All I did was watch her, and pray silently.

If only she doesn't have to suffer even longer. I don't know why I'm saying this, but I'd rather she go earlier than later. But I guess this is her ujian from Allah. :)

Farah and the present we bought for her. She took out the camera from the box and went, "Eh, picture! *smile bigbig*" Hehehehe. Bukan camera tau, picture! HAHAHA, adek aku yang dah 4 tahun ni.....

I should be mentally prepared for the worst. It sucks to listen to her vomit like crazy. It's not that to listen is disgusting. But to listen, hurts. Sometimes, I just wanna get out of the house, so I can escape the pain of listening to the cancer killing someone I love. That's why from here, I have learnt that while you can, always remember Allah. Do as much good as you can, as much ibadah as you can. While you're still healthy, can move about easily, beribadah. Don't wait till you're so damn sick, then you turn to Allah. Don't wait till your bones are like, weak or something, then you want to pray. Like that also very hard to pray. Want to ruku' pon susah, ape lagi bile nak sujud. Seriously, just from her alone, I've learnt so much.

Our time in this world is really, actually very short.

& for that woman who walks in and out of this house like nobody's business, without a care for her sick sister, if she cries when her sick sister is dead, I will give her a piece of my mind. Seriously, I'm disgusted by the thought of her, imagine just looking at her heartless face. It makes my blood boil like crazy. I can already imagine me bursting my anger in her face.

Astaghfirullahalazim. Bersabar, Faz. Alright, people. Always be in the best of health, kay? & for all those RP-ians, good luck studying for UT3. I know I'm gonna die, hahahahah!

A year ago, today, I met these two, Shak and Marcus for the first time. Funny how time flies so fast when you're having fun. But I can still remember how I felt that day. Nervous, terrified etc. I don't know why though. I still remember when we sat at KFC and Ahmad and Rafi went to buy food, which left me and Thahirah alone at the table. She said to me, "*laugh nervously* Sorry I don't act like a girl sometimes. *heh heh kind of smile*" right after she yelled across the place at Rafi. I was damn shy that day too though. Heh.

Farah's birthday tomorrow. How time flies. It felt like yesterday that I carried her small body in my arms and tried to digest the fact that I had just become a real elder sister. & though I may scold her and get irritated with her endless chatter (omg can!!) sometimes, I love her. :)

My shoulder aches from all the typing since yesterday. & I still have another 2 module notes to type out. And I've only just started on the 2nd module notes, out of 4. Sheeeeeeeeshhhh.

I kinda like the Cocoa Spin, I think that's what it's called. Heh heh.

Wow, I have a heartless woman as my youngest aunt.

So if let's say my mum is the one sick with cancer, I doubt that heartless woman would even care.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Saat Terakhir

I miss this little angel. Pipi nak kene cubittttttt. Gerammm.

Sundanese practice today was interesting. & hilarious, because of Kang. Hahah. Pap-parap-parap-pap-pap. Omg, cannot imagine if Pak Amran does that. Hancur sia all our songs. Anyway, finally bought Farah a birthday present. Liyana and my sis chipped in, so it didn't burn a hole in my pocket, heehee. Though it finished up all the cash I had in my wallet. :( much.

I felt so minah arab today sia. So weird. Maybe it's the black tudung. Hmm, definitely the black tudung. Haha. Ah, wells. I like. HAHAHAHAHAH, and I was just complaining a moment ago.

Revision time. :)

Ini lah saat terakhirku melihat kamu

Jatuh air mataku menangis pilu

Hanya mampu ucapkan selamat jalan kasih

This candid picture is the cutest man! Haha.

Muke gua lawa sekali ya... HAHA.

Pictures from 11 August, the day we celebrate the couple's 7th wedding anniversary. Possibly even her last celebration. But I should remain optimistic, shouldn't I? However, her checkup at the hospital today has confirmed my fear, and I realized now that all I can do now is pray, pray and pray. The cancer has spread throughout her whole body, and there's nothing the doctor can do but give her medication to minimize the pain as much as possible. Cik Yaya teared up when she said goodbye to my aunt. It touched me in a way. From this point onwards, we all have to be mentally prepared for the worse. The cancer is eating up her body. From what I see, she is being patient with it, and it is possible that she has accepted her fate. Now, we just have to see how long she'll last and how long she can hold out until.... Sigh.

My mum and me were looking through the anniversary celebration pictures just now, and my mum suddenly commented on my aunt's smile; it is exactly like their mother's. It made me feel sad, somehow, that my aunt shared the same fate as my grandmother. But then, I remember Hababa saying this once: Semuanya di tangan Allah, semuanya milik Allah.

Haven't done a proper update in a while since everything happened. So, here goes. The above picture is the gift and letter I gave Ahmad on Tuesday. Sticky jar of Love mix. Hehehehe. It was a random idea by Liyana way back after I returned from Indonesia. She was like, eh babe look at this website. & I looked through and she said, maybe you can get this for Ahmad for your first year. I didn't know if he would like it, or maybe he would think it's so....I dunno, over the top romantic? But I bought the jar anyway. :)

Seriously, week 15 was fun because I partial-ed THE WHOLE WEEK! The first day was because my sis visited RP for lunch, and it was also our last day to eat in the day. HAHA. Spent the time at the library. I played the piano there, woohoo! Finally seh. Azhar's friend, Khairul, sang a bit of Three Cheers For Five Years. Then I made Ahmad sing. And Khairul took a video of that. Hahahaha. Second day, partialed with Hazlinda to Karaokeparty. Seriously, had a lot of fun. Especially since that was also the first day of puasa. But good thing is, we found a place to do our prayers. W3, Level 6, cleaners' room in between the toilets. :D Third day partial was with Azhar and Syai. Played the Monopoly cards kind, and the guys won. -.- Played pool with Syai too, and he won! -.- Guys these days don't give chances to ladies anymore. Fourth day of partial, which was also the last day of school, I helped Syai make his paper hearts (see picture below). Seriously, it was very sweet. It's like, in every paper heart, he'll write stuff like, I love your hair, or, I love how I feel when I'm with you. One sentence in each heart. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen a guy do for a girl. & seriously, I wanted to help, but he turned me down. "Aku nak buat sampai aku penat, baru aku stop." 105 paper hearts. Seriously, if his girl doesn't cry when she receives that, I don't know what to say. 'cause if it had been me, I'd be moved to tears.

& this below, was from Hazlinda. I think she gave me this to cheer me up after I told her what happened. I was touched, very damn touched. & it was damn tasty too!! Different from the kind I always make. So I asked her for the recipe. :)

The past week has been crazy. On Thursday, I broke down in front of my sick aunt, and even though she told me not to cry, I couldn't stop. It's like watching my own pain being played like a movie. It hurts to watch someone you love in pain, and I would rather it be me than her. It's hard being deaf and mute because you can't be understood well by people so I can understand why she gets frustrated at times.

I asked Syai about his nenek on Friday, when we buka together at Causeway Point. I know that eventually, I'll have to go through what he had, but I know too, that it's inevitable. I told him about my aunt and what happened, and even though he has a point, I still can't help but worry.

What made me so very mad yesterday was finding out that my aunt used the black tudung that Ahmad's nenek gave me, without my permission or knowledge. I had been searching for it since Thursday, wanting to wear it to school and up till now, I haven't found it. Seriously, cobaan seh.

& that's all for updates. I've been lazy to blog, or go online lately. With all that's been happening, and extra attention given to my sick aunt, I'm kept a little bit more busy.

I'm gonna make Paella next weekend for Farah's birthday mansxz. Hehehehehehehehehe.

Till here. Hope you guys will always be in the very best of health. &, happy fasting!

Note to self: Ngaji after Terawih. Alone also can.

I've been wondering what to say here in the past 20 minutes but I can't even find the right words to say. I wanna pour everything out here, I really want to. But nothing that happened today can be described in words. There are no words to even match how I feel right now. The anger, the frustration, the sadness, the fear, the disappointment.

2 of my family members have voluntarily walked out of my life. I don't need another one to be taken away from me.

I can't stop the tears either.

I need to be stronger. Not for me, but for my sister.

I feel so lost right now.

I don't know what to do right now.

I can still feel it under my fingers.

It's scaring the fuck out of me.

Even after doing my prayers, I still feel so lost.

Like as though everything I'm doing now is worthless.

I hope that whatever we've done for each other will be worth it.

I hope that being strong for each other will be worth it.

I hope that keeping silent will be worth it.

I look forward to this holy month to cleanse my soul and strengthen my iman.

The buns above were from Abah Habib Saggaf's bread factory. We tasted it back in Indonesia, when we were staying over at the Pesantren. & it's daaaaaaaaamn nice!! Peanut butter flavour. Freaking nice.

I kind of miss the simplicity in Indonesia. I mean, here in Singapore, I'm surrounded by people who concern themselves with high living and luxury, that they don't stop to appreciate what they already have. All they want is more, more and more so that they can show off to their friends and families. I just don't get it and I'm getting sick of it.

Kau dah la berhutang, nak beli barang-barang mahal lagi. Kau bodoh pe?! Tuhan bagi kau otak, pakai la sikit. Anak dah berlambak, masih nak beli barang yang kau totally tak perlukan. Okay, part tu aku tak pasal la eh. Kakak kau tengah sakit sampai nak mati, kau ade pernah ambek kisah tak? Gi mampos la kau!

Sheesh. I'm boiling with anger right now. For the first time for as long as my sick aunt has lived in this house, I saw her vomit. It was terribly heartbreaking to watch. I had to leave her to vomit just so I wouldn't start crying. I sat outside at the sofa to calm my heart down. It's so heartbreaking to know that she's only alive waiting for the day her cancer will kill her. Oh great, now I'm crying.

I hate belonging to this family, but I think there is a reason why I'm part of this whole mess. It has taught me many lessons about life, and I know that from these lessons, I will be able to live my life as a better, stronger person. From all the mistakes each family member makes, I learn from there and not repeat them.

I feel like downloading L4D2 into my laptop again. Haha. I found my mouse. :D

I wanted, I wanted you to stay

Cause I needed, I need to hear you say

That I love you, I have loved you all along

& I forgive you for being away for far too long

Mr Ahmad Mustaqim Bin Muhammad Abdul Halim surprised me with these today while waiting for my dear sister to arrive for tuition with him. It's like, he handed me this black plastic bag, saying that it was from his nenek, so I took it. & when I looked inside, the first thing I saw was the blue box and I could hardly believe my eyes. I mean, seriously! Then I saw the two tudung and I was even more shocked. Seriously!!! Gosh. & the paper is actually the first year anniversary letter that I told him to write. Reading it made me smile, made me laugh, made me cry a little. & it's the first and last time he'll write. :( But anyway, these things made my day!

My boyfriend is awesome, so very very very awesome and I feel luckier than the luckiest girl in the world. I am truly so thankful to have him, and this whole period has been nothing but beautiful. It taught me a lot, it gave me feelings I've never had before, it made me see things the way I've never had before. So, thank you, dear boy, for everything. & thank your nenek too! :D

Anyway, Ramadhan is starting next week! Weeheee~! But baju raye belom siap! :(

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart

The reply. Haha.

This made me cry a little.

:)

He's an amazing person, sometimes, I feel I don't deserve him.

He's much too perfect, and deserves better.

But I'm lucky, so very lucky to have him I'll never want anyone else.

Happy 1st year, handsome! :D

Thunder

1 year has passed. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I love you so much! <3

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other

You'll always be my thunder and I said

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colours

I don't wanna ever love another

You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain

& bring on the thunder

Ummi Aisyah!!

Finally a couple picture. But blur. :(

& I dragged my mum in. :D

It started off with zikir, and I won't lie, I fell asleep. So darn tired. My head kept lolling forward. & when my mum noticed, she kept pinching my ass. Maybe because that's the spot with the most fats but come on! Tsk.

So when we started with the maulid, I was a little more awake, and I managed to record my favourite song. Heh. & I couldn't stop watching Ummi. During the time that she was here, so much has happened and I've realized so much as well. :)

So there, that's my future mummy-in-law! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Kidding la. My sis's, possibly. HAHAHAAHAH, she'll kill me if she sees this but I'll have to risk it. Sorry I'm not available. HAHAHAH, omg, this brings back so much memories from the Indonesia trip. :D

Alrighty then, I'll start with my revision then. Take care all. Hope you'll always be in the best of health.

P.S: I'm falling in love with Thunder again. :D

Eunice! Loooovessss <3

& I look ugly. Haha. Ohwells.

Selendeng! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, Ummi Aisyah is heading back to Indonesia tomorrow morning. I feel sad. & I am still deciding whether or not to head to Lakeside this evening for the last maulid. Cause there's Sunda practice. & I wanna go for both! Hmm.

I dread next week. But, oh well. Can't argue cause he has a point. It won't be fair to him, but I'm still scared.

I've started to get used to wearing tudung. Alhamdulillah.

Okay, that's it. I'm going for the maulid tonight. Or else, I will regret. Besides, no school tomorrow. I hope they're reading Burdah. Or maybe, Asma ul Husna. I need that. :)

The first Friday of August 2009 was the day something beautiful started. :)

Anniversary

I just realized what date it is today and its significance.

3rd August 2009 was actually the 4th day that Ahmad Mustaqim Bin Muhammad Abdul Halim started texting me.

The first time was on the night of 31st July 2009.

A random text from Syai: "Siti, siti! Kau nak surprise tak?"

& I go, ape?

& he goes: ''Nak taaak???"

& I go, nak la, ape?

Then BOOMZ, Ahmad Mustaqim says:

"Hey guys, Ahmad here. I don't think you have my number so here it is. :)"

I was mad at Syai, seriously.

But things turned in a different, better direction.

& here we are, the first year anniversary.

Much loves, Fazzzz. <3

I just love this picture so much. :D

Seriously, I can't handle two deaf and mute people fighting in my house everyday when I come home. It's like, everytime I get home, there's always something bad that will happen. I'm trying to be the best listening ear that I can to my sister, especially since this is her N Level, and with three families under one roof, it's a little hard on her. & with this deaf couple fighting, I have to be the mediator because my mum and aunt are away at maulids and also because I understand sign language better than the maids and my sis. What's worse, my aunt is sick with cancer, and the least her husband can do is not make her angry. 'cause when she gets to angry, she experiences pain, and will need to take her morphine medicine.

I'm seriously tired sia.

About 15 minutes after I entered my house today, I found my sister on the bed in the room, crying. I thought maybe it's from the prelims fever, but apparently, she can't stand the situation in this house. Her blanket of about 12 years got torn and ripped beyond repair by the kids, and she's upset by that. It may seem a little silly to you, but this blanket was bought by our one and only grandfather, so you have to understand that it is very precious to her. But she was not only bothered by that. She had a lot of things on her mind at the same time. I pity her. It's not fair that she has to go through this during her most important year.

I feel helpless. People these days need my help, yet, no matter how hard I try to help, I just find that it is not enough. My aunt, sister, mum, friends etc. I just feel so helpless, even though I know I've tried my best.

I shocked people again with my.......new image. Hahaha, they just can't stop staring. Lawa pe? Okay, if Liyana sees this, she'll probably say, "Aku nak muntah darah!". HAHAH!!!! But I really need to get used to the heat. I should have appreciated the cold last time. Tsk.

I hope you're okay. I called you so many times, I texted you as well, yet, nothing from you. I really hope it means everything's okay. I'm dying to know what happened. & I'll be waiting, my friend.

Kau, perangai. Malas nak layan.

Frozen

I burst out laughing sia! Hee-lair-ree-years!

I am very upset today because of something a friend of mine is going through. I think it is unfair to him and I just wanna say how I feel about his whole situation right here.

First thing first, I just want you to be strong for now. Maybe this is a test for your love, to see how far you would go for her, and how much you would sacrifice for her; be it through time, money, friends, commitments etc. & seriously, if I were her, I wouldn't have done what she did. Actions speak louder than words. & from all that you have done for her, I really think you are such a sweet guy. If she's not touched by it, I am.

We all know trust is important in a relationship. But what say if your partner says things that makes you suspect that they're lying? Be it a big or small lie, a lie is still a lie. Even if it's something as small as saying they're not online on MSN but they actually are. Or something big like saying they went out with a girl friend, but it was actually a guy. What would you do if this were your case?

I admire him because he's being really strong, always giving in and I know he loves her a lot. I can see that. & he does not deserve this kind of treatment. I don't understand why this is happening to him.

Every fight leads to her suggesting a breakup. I may not have been in many relationships in my life, and I'll admit, the ones I had were like those I'm-too-young-to-understand relationships which usually end badly. But I do know that if you really love that person, you would do anything and everything to work things out and not use the 'B' word. I mean, what is the point of being in a relationship if you can't even sort a little problem out with each other? It's all about trial and error, giving and taking, compromising with each other. A relationship takes two hands to clap; if he/she is fighting so hard for you, you should fight as hard too. If you really love each other, then prove it to one another, show that the relationship is worth the effort.

What am I talking about?

Seriously, I would really love to talk to you about what you're putting him through. I've seen his face enough to know how much your every little action hurts him. He is going through a lot right now, worrying and being all stressed up about you and the relationship, yet, you're out there somewhere probably thinking everything is okay. This angers me, I swear. He worries so much that it's so hard to make him calm down. For as long as his relationship with you has been, he has never come to me about any of his fights with you. I knew whatever you both were facing, you'll be able to work it out together. But this time, I don't know what went wrong.

I wish there was something I could do to help him. Even I doubt the advices I gave him, because even though he agreed with me, he didn't sound particularly convinced. And neither am I. I just know that for now, it is better that they talk every single thing out face to face.

I'm really disappointed, not gonna lie. I was so happy for him, so happy that he found you, that he has you to make him happy. I didn't mind that he and I are not as close as we were before, now that he has you. I really didn't mind. I was really, truly, so, very, tremendously happy for him no words can describe the euphoria. But seeing the way you act, I don't know, it's just making me feel angry with you. He was there whenever I needed him, whenever even my loved ones can't be there for me, he was my listening ear. He listened to me, understood me and gave me advice. He was like a brother to me, and he means a lot to me. Now you're doing this, I can't help but feel angry.

Whatever it is, I hope things will get sorted out as soon as possible.

Anyway, (wow, long update), first day wearing tudung to school today. Shocked a lot of people, especially my classmates. Rafi's shock was the best. He couldn't recognize me for the first 3 seconds. HAHAHAHAHAH.

At the end of today, I felt so goooooood. It's like, for the first time, I feel.....clean/cleansed. As in, my soul. Or something. The feeling can't be explained. Hmm~~

Tell me I'm frozen but what can I do?

Can't tell the reasons, I did for you

When lies turn into truth, I sacrificed for you

You say that I'm frozen, but what can I do?

April Rain

It was sucha cold day today. The winds were so strong! & the cold was like, really, really super cold it could pass as winter! & it was for the whole day! It's 8.42pm right now, and the cold is still the same cold this afternoon. What has come over the weather this days??

I feel really good right now. Better than I ever have in days. This is a good sign. I feel........... changed. So now is the time to catch up with all I've lost.

I really need to clean up my study table. I have so much stuff in there that I keep because of the memories. I should go to Ikea one day to get some boxes or something. Really need some organization at my table. Anyway, my mum gave me the berkat gift she got from the jemputan just now. It was a small jewellery box, super antique and Peranakan-ish, so I decided to use it for my brooches. Haha.

Yes, this is the decision I've made months ago. It is only now that I've pushed the play button. This is something I feel really good about, it's like, finally, I'm doing the goddamn right thing in my goddamn complicated life. & I am really so thankful that my family is so supportive of this decision I've made. They helped me in every way they can; lending me what I need, teaching me whatever styles that fit etc. & I have friends too who gave advices and stuff. Seriously can't thank you guys enough! Ku sayang korangs! :)

Yet, there are some who may take some time to adapt to the change. I guess that can't be helped. I like it this way, so I'll have it this way. Just get used to it kay?

Eh awak, lepas ni ngaji joms! Hahahahahahah.

Let's just take it sloooooooooooooooow and steady, yeah?

Note to self: Next time you go Arab Street, bring SOMEONE! Or you'll look like a dumb fuck walking around in circles like a lost dumbass. Sheesh. (Orang first time beli tudung kat sane. :p)

Wassalamualaikum wr. wb. (Did I just write that? :/)

How does it feel when all you're counting on is scatterbrained

Every wind that you have sailed upon, a hurricane

Every summer you have seen was filled with april rain

It doesn't get easy, don't you know