I want to be able to smile the way I do whenever he's around.

:(

Believe me, I've tried so hard to be strong.

I really have.

I've been so emotional ever since that day.

Like, the slightest thing could just set me off.

Or ruin the rest of my day.

Because ever since that day,

all the walls I worked so hard to build the past 3 years,

went crashing down.

The walls that protected me from the things people say,

the walls that kept me from being close to people because they'd end up leaving me,

the walls that protected my heart from getting hurt,

the walls that helped me prevent history from repeating itself,

the walls that cushioned the pain each time I receive a blow,

the walls that prevented me from feeling things I didn't want to feel,

These walls, are gone.

Everything, everyday, affects me greatly now.

It doesn't matter what.

Even the smallest thing upsets me.

I used to be stronger.

Now, I don't have the strength to stay strong.

If I get through a day, it's nothing but a miracle.

& I'm always thankful for that.

Still, if only I had been more careful.

If.

Only.

I feel guilty.

I still do.

Hello! I am back after such a hectic week. Yes, I was at USS the whole of yesterday and slept over at Hard Rock Hotel from Thursday 'til today. USS was awesome, for the rides of course, not for the people. The crowd is madness. The roller coasters are damn super awesome to the max, words alone can't even describe. I love the feeling of feeling like you're risking your life on a dangerous spinning high speed roller coaster ride. It makes life all the more fun. I screamed so much yesterday, but apparently not enough to lose my voice like I did at Ancol. Hahahaha, but, well, it was an enjoyable experience with family and our closest friend who is practically like a sister; Nafisah. Went for a swim last night for the first time since a year. Pathetic, I know. Ever since I started wearing hijab, I didn't know how to go swimming, which is stupid because my swimming costume itself is already long sleeves from top to bottom. Ohwells. So I swam my heart out and wrestled with sister on the swimming pool sand. Yes, one of the swimming pools was designed like a real beach, with real fine sand. How awesome izzat?! Kalau honeymoon kat sini pon jadi la sia. HAHAHAHA!!

I deserved this break, like honestly. Show day really messed up my mind. The last thing that I wanted to happen, the very thing that I feared, just had to be on an important day where I needed my mind to be clear. I think the Nagas have never seen me break down that bad. All I knew at that point of time, was Ahmad's hands gripping mine and telling me to calm down. I made so many worry, I made so many cry with me, I made so many panic, and I made Ahmad cry too. I know it's not my fault, but I'm really sorry. I'm sorry it happened, even though deep down, I knew that it would happen eventually. I just didn't expect it to be on show day or that soon.

I talked to Shaa about it the next day. We even cried together. She is the fourth person to tell me that I'm very lucky to have someone like Ahmad by my side. Yes, I am, I realize I truly am. Ever since day 1, he has always guided me and given me the best advice, no matter how harsh it may sometimes be. Because after some time, it actually knocked sense into me. For someone who is younger than me, he sure has a lot of knowledge it makes me feel like a little child. But again, I am truly thankful to have him.

I'm thankful that everyone understood me, and were there for me, and dried my tears. But I still fear for the future. All that I am afraid of is getting hurt. It's just that simple. 

"cos you're beautiful no matter what they say, cos words can't bring you down."

There is a reason for everything that happens. Maybe it was really time. It caught me off-guard, but that was the day I realized that I'd always had true friends and good people by my side the past three years. & I'm thankful to Allah for letting me realize this now.

I think I would normally say this, "So much for keeping it a secret."

But now, I don't think so anymore. Allah knows best, and He knows why this happened. So, I trust in him. & I will accept whatever that comes my way from this point on. As long as I have Him, I will be strong. :)

It's been a year since you left us, Angah. How fast time flies. Later, it will be two years, three years, and so on. & then there will eventually come a time when no one will remember your passing. Everyone's so absorbed in their own matters that they never stopped for a moment to remember a sibling who used to be a part of this family, an aunt and a mother who loved the children in this family so dearly.


On Hari Raya Aidiladha, I saw Fazilah for the first time since so long and it hit me, she has your smile. She looks so much like you, it hurts to even look at her.

I hope you're happy there out of your misery. You fought long and hard, and bravely. I think I've never seen the kind of courage that you had in those few months that you were in our care. You were so strong. I read through my past posts in 2010 and the few times that I broke down in front of you or because of you.

I miss you. There's so many things I want to say to you. But above all, I want to tell you I miss you. I miss speaking to you in a language that's foreign to people who are not used to the deaf.


I just miss you so much. & I'll always remember you in my prayers.

Why would I want anyone else when I've got the best?

<3