Salam!

So..... I learnt shocking things today, but I'm not judging yet. The last time I listened to someone's words blindly (even though it was true), I almost lost a friendship I really treasured. But today, my sentiments were correct though. No one can be too nice to you. Eventually, you'll find out they have hidden motives, intentions or just.... there's just gonna be something wrong with the picture. I mean, we all have our own shortcomings, and when we realize that someone else is better than us, we get jealous. Admit it, there has to be at least one time in your life that you've been jealous of someone because they're better at something than you.

So when Rachelle suddenly vented about this similar issue to me this morning when I entered her class, I was quite surprised because she's not a newbie like me and yet, she's still sort of being "bullied" in a not so obvious way. She was super pissed off when I arrived and she vent and vent and her children were all looking at her with faces like, "Why Teacher Rachelle so angry?" Hahahaha. Then after work ended at 5, I stayed in her classroom and helped her with her snake craft that her children did, and we talked. This time, I told her all about my first time experience when I stepped in the centre and my first impression of the teachers. Nice to know that even though I didn't know her that well last year, she actually defended me without my knowledge to my principal. Ask me if I believe her, and I'd say, yes. When you meet Rachelle, you'll know why. She's the frank type, you can tell from her personality. She says what she wants, she doesn't care what you'll think of her. But of course, she has better control of her mouth than Casey la.

But I don't know, man. I don't know. It's hard to trust anyone you barely know. I hope Rachelle is someone I can really trust, besides my principal. 'cause if I have another episode of what Pauline did to me last year, I know this time I will really break down. :(

Breathless

Salam!

So I'm here again, and it's Wednesday, and so far, so good. I implemented a new technique in class to control the children who kept walking around, even during integrated learning time, which is so annoying because I'm trying to conduct lessons. I just need a better tape for the cards. Well, if you wanna know, what I did was cut coloured paper into squares and laminated them. Then I used double-sided tape on one side of the so-called card and pasted it on the floor. One kid, one coloured card for them to sit on. Of course, we have a few itchy hands cannot resist from touching or flipping the cards at first but after telling them, "Ni bu ke yi tong!" (pardon my oh so pathetic basic Chinese) and stuff like that, eventually, they sat still on their card, especially since I used various bright colours. So macam attractive la kan. Children just get so attracted to bright things. I put the short attention span kids at the front of the row too, right in front of me so that I can always bring their attention back to me when they start to touchy touchy with their "neighbours". Especially my dearest Nathania. Not sure if I've mentioned her habit before but this girl is quite a drama queen. When someone she is scared of comes too near to her, she starts shouting, "Help! Help! Teacher!" while trying to scramble away BACKWARDS. You know, like in movies, when they're trying to run away from the crawling Ju-on ghost and they slip and fall and try to scramble backwards and kicking their legs while terrifyingly facing the ghost. Just picture it, yes, that. One month with them kids and I know their personalities like the back of my hand already. But sometimes, I just can't help but geram, because I've got a cute bunch and even though they can be quite a handful, I somehow just love them. :)

So anyway, now that the walking around problem has been settled, I've gotta implement better moral education lessons on Fridays. Currently, I plan to focus on "Cannot beat friend!" and "Must share toys!" as per observations from the first day of school. I've got many first child of the family in my class, so they don't have this sharing habit because they never needed to share when at home. So, in an environment of 14 other kids to fight with for the toys, they resort to snatching and hitting and pushing and whatever else there is. It's quite tiring to comfort the smaller sized kids crying after losing a "battle". LOL. But alamak, cute la these kids. There has never been a day that I never laughed when I'm with them, no matter how tired I am. & today, I tried to speak Hindi to my Hindi boys and they all laughed at me. Maybe it was the way I said it that was funny, since I'm not their race but, at least I'm putting my years of watching Bollywood movies to good use, ya know. Maybe getting this class of children is a good thing after all. I get to pick up new languages and improve my bahasa melayu. & Indo. Jangen begitu, kamu kenapa sih? :p

Starting this year, I've been closer to Rachelle as compared to the other teachers. I've only just realized it. It's not just because she's easier to talk to and also eager to talk, but because she has this way of making you feel comfortable around her. Plus, she's funny! As funny as Suraya, but with Suraya comes Casey, and they're both kind of like best friends/colleagues so I feel a little self-conscious, like I'm intruding or something. But with Rachelle, I can almost be myself. & we have something in common. Hay Day. This farming app I've been hooked to for months. Hahahahaha! She'll be like, "Eh, you got the blue hat not? Sell me lei, I need for my boat!" Hahahahahaha! & yesterday, when I came in, I was like, "Rachelle!!! You got blackberries not? I need 2 more!" She immediately understood, but Teacher Jeanne was like, ??? Hahahahaha!!!!!

Wow, I feel so much better after letting all my thoughts out. Tomorrow, there will be a farewell lunch for my Nursery Chinese teacher. She's going back to China. Sigh. But a new Chinese teacher came in and I got the chance to meet and talk to her. Thankfully, fluent English speaking teacher so I wouldn't be having anymore language barriers with the teachers. Having these barriers with the children is more than enough for me already. :p

Okay, time to go. I've gotta sleep early tonight or else I'd wake up with a migraine again tomorrow. It sucked so bad today with a spinning headache. Goodnight, uolls! Stay healthy! :3

You leave me breathless

You're everything good in my life

You leave me breathless

I still can't believe that you're mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you're leaving me

Breathless

Stand By Me

(As my maid has encouraged me...) Assalamualaikum, everyone!

I know I haven't updated for a long time (& I'm giving myself 30 minutes to finish this post, which I intend to make a long one, :/) but I just gotta say that the past weeks have been a roller coaster ride for me. And not just any normal, thrilling roller coaster ride. It's one helluva January for me. But even though I've struggled so much, so, so, so much for Grace, I'm still here, standing tall, more determined than ever to change this innocent girl. This week, I had come to realize that the reason for her untamed behaviour is her home environment. But Teacher Rachelle and me came to a conclusion that even though her behaviour is unacceptable in social settings, especially school, at least she will have us, the teachers, to correct her and guide her towards the acceptable behaviour. I realized that isolating her from her classmates would not help her to acquire social skills, but since I'm alone in handling the children, I'm forced to. So I decided that when the form teacher comes back in a week's time (InsyaAllah!), I would be able to focus solely on Grace and slowly change her aggressive behaviour. & ability to understand and speak English.

Now, I've been thinking the past weeks about change. Meeting Grace has evoked this part of me that made me realize that even though Grace is so hard to handle all the time, I have been patient with her, knowing and understanding that the family she had was the reason why she behaved in this manner in school made me want to change her. I just wanted to be the one to change and shape her into a better person with a happy childhood.

Well, by now you guys would have known that I'm quite a deep thinker (I think). Or rather, I just think too much. Sometimes, I even over-think. So while I was thinking (& browsing through social media websites), I stumbled upon this couple, actually, the lady is a classmate of mine. They're married (duh) and just had a child last month but before that, they were in a relationship for 10 years. 10 years. 10. Years.

It suddenly bugged me. How did they make it happen? How did they work things out, to the point that, you know, they lasted 10 years and eventually got married? When other young couples go on and off, or break up and have a new partner, or even worse, cheat on their partners. The one thing I really despise is cheating partners but that's beside the point. 10 years is a really long time. & since we're on the topic of change, in 10 years, people can change, and it can be two ways: for good, or bad.

So yesterday, when I was out with the one and only Ahmad Mustaqim, because of all the couples I saw everywhere, I asked him the same question. How can two people stay together for 10 years? Eventually, someone would get tired, probably wants someone new, cheat for pleasure etc.

His answer was simple: That's why it's called love.

I don't know, but somehow, maybe I agree with him too. If two people truly love each other, then they would always make it work. If they truly love each other, there wouldn't be any space for anyone else.

I know I've said this before, and if I haven't, then I'll just say it. I don't think I can find anyone better than Ahmad. & I truly mean it. He, and a few of my closest friends, have seen the most vulnerable side of me, that one fateful day, the side I never want to uncover to anyone, not even him. & to him and Syai, I once did, reluctantly. But thankfully, they understood. I still remember these two particular days that the words spilled out of my mouth, both times, reluctantly and with great hesitation.

Yet, he accepted me. The way I am, the whole package, I would call it. Haha. Because with me comes other not so nice burdens that I don't even wish upon my parents. I guess that's why I took matters into my own hands now. I don't burden them any further now because I know how much I have done so in the past. That's why giving back to them now feels so awesome. I feel more like a daughter now. :)

Ahmad is back in camp. It's amazing how we got through these past 4 months. Maybe that's how it became 10 years for that couple: patience and trust. We've grown so much, and changed too. I've seen him grow and change, and during NS, changed he did. In size. From PES BP to PES A now, it's quite an achievement. So proud of him. :)

I was surprised today when my sis suddenly told me, "It will be cool if you really married Ahmad." I don't know if it's just me but lately, everyone has been telling me the same thing. & what's more, it coincides with the fact that we actually have been talking about it lately, just talk, not plan. There's a difference. I don't know what's cool about it but she said it's because she already knows Ahmad's friends, so if we were to really get married, she won't be awkward at the wedding. That girl already thought ahead of me. Tsk. & suddenly she said, "Skali me and Rafi get married ah!" She expected me to burst out laughing but I told her I would totally support it. ;p

I still remember that dream I once had, the one I told Shaa and Nadeem about. How I woke up in the middle of the night, crying super hard until my sis woke up too. See? Over-thinking again.

I don't know how much more things would change in future. He will be posting out in a matter of weeks because his POP is so near. But I only hope for the best for him, wherever he is, whatever he gets, to just be safe. That's all that matters.:)

Wish me luck for this coming week! Bismillah. Goodbye for now. I'll be focusing on assignments this entire week. They're simple to do this time, hopefully it's not just easier said than done. But I'll make it. I always have.

Goodnight, and may you always be in the best of health. :)

Will you stand by me?

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me?

With you I know I belong

When the story gets told 

Miserable At Best

Eva! So geram with the cheeks!!

I swear, I can't wait for the KL holiday. What I want to do right now is to take a break, do something to vent out the past few weeks. Tomorrow's already Friday, the end of the 3rd week of the school term. 8 more weeks till the March holidays which I doubt will make much of a difference for me because we still have to come back some days to do our work.

Anyway, this week hasn't been smooth. I've had quite a handful of complaints from parents about their children getting hit or beaten in class. I've been trying my best to control dear Grace, but ohmygod, I just can't! That girl has speed, man! One second I'm looking at her, half a second later, her hand lashes out. It's as though she just can't sit still without hitting someone. I swear, I almost lost my cool at her today. But I just sat her down on the floor beside me and said, "You don't sit down, I don't give you high five."

LOL.

But yeah, this girl loves high fives. In fact, I reward the children with high fives when they do something good, something I approve of. And Grace knows that. Sometimes she expects high five from me and offers her hand, but I give the high five only when she listens to my instructions. Hopefully, over time, she would understand that high fives are only for good things/actions. :)

Anyway, this weekend will be spent over at AIC, setting up and preparing for our language learning corner presentation on Monday. It's gonna be a tiring weekend. Pfft.

Can't wait for June holidays too. Hard Rock Hotel and USS with Natasha Yow Hisham! :D

Cause nothing feels like home

You're a thousand miles away

And the hardest part of living

Is just taking breaths to stay

I Do

I miss you. I miss the days I always have together with you. No, I miss everyday with you. The everyday without fail days. Time has passed too fast, our responsibilities caught up too soon. I just wish I could tell you how much my heart bursts with happiness whenever I get to see you, even if it would just be for 5 mins. I miss you, I just really do.

& lately, we've been having all those serious talks about our future.. I am seriously wondering if you are for real, if you mean it.

But believe me when I say, I too, want to grow old with you. And I pray that Allah will guide us to that path. :)

I’m ready to begin this journey

Well, I’m with you with every step you take

And we’ve got a whole lifetime to share

And I’ll always be there, darling, this I swear 

 So please believe me for these words I say are true

And don’t deny me a lifetime loving you

If you ask, will I be true? Do I give my all to you? 

Then I will say I do

I wish I could see you soon. :'(

A.M ♥

I'm so tired. Everyday, when I come to work after class, my only concern is this girl called Grace. Every single second, I'd worry and worry of what the next 3 hours have in store for me from the girl I can barely control. Thank goodness my principal gave me a diary to write my reflections of the day in so that I can recount every single incident that happens and circles around Grace. This is to defend myself should a parent accuse me of something or whatever. It happens. So should there be further investigations, they would take my diary into account. Scary how a little book will be my only defense. I can't wait for Teacher Jeanne to come back already. It sucks to not have experience, but these past weeks, I've been gaining experience, just not the way I want but, too bad for me, I guess.

Assignments are freaking back in full swing. I gotta start really soon and stop procrastinating. When it becomes a habit, it's hard to kick. Sigh. I've only been handling the class for almost 2 weeks and I'm wishing for holidays already. I just can't wait till all these become a routine for them, and they would automatically know what to do instead of "Teacherrr!!!! I need to pass urinnneee!!!" in my ear or *angguk-angguk geleng geleng macam orang bisu*....

I'm sorry, I'm just ranting. I've got nowhere else besides my friends, and they have their own problems too. I guess every teacher will but, ugh, I just hate being judged too! I don't have experience so you can't expect me to know everything and be perfect. I don't even know what are the teaching materials you have that I can use. Super annoying! Then my P will swoop down on me and say, "Siti! You must ask me!" and I'm like, "How the hell would I know if no one even mentioned it?"

But thank god my principal is very nice and understanding. I just don't like her interrupting habit. Orang belom habis berbual, ade je nak interrupt. One thing I can't stand the most is being interrupted, and I strongly believe one day I might reprimand someone because all the teachers seem to have picked up this habit. I interrupt too but I know when is the right time to interrupt and when.... not to. Something serious = Shut up and listen till the person finishes. Joking with friends = Go ahead and cut queue all you want la.

Kay bye.

Kak Nurul dah naik pelamin.

Everyone keeps saying "Fazlun, you're next."

Chill ah, I get it.

I'm next, so stop reminding me.

Today went pretty well.

Alhamdulillah.

Hopefully, I'll be able to manage them kids better.

Just need to find out the best technique.

Me against 14 active children.

2 crybabies.

Not easy, babe, not easy.

But! God willing, I'll be able to do it. :)

Till my next post ya'll. :)

A Thousands Lights

Alhamdulillah, managed to skim through the first day of school today. I don't yet know who my students are, as in their faces. I only know the boy called Jonas who is still in diapers and can't speak English. *face palm* But anyway, it was nerve-wrecking today! I was so frightened of having to "public speaking" with the parents. I was "Bismillah"-ing all the way to my centre and I couldn't even finish my lunch because I was so, so nervous that I felt like vomitting. I was SO close to actually throwing up. Yes, that nervous. But in the end, my senior nursery teacher did all the talking in the classroom. I was awkwardly standing at the side. But anyway, my favourite malay boys from the Playgroup class were there too! Upgraded to Nursery, of course. Unfortunately, not in my class. :( Ryan and Anam. Both macam best friends, their nenek pon macam best friends je. Hahaha. I performed pretty well with the parents in front of my principal, even translating to malay for those makcik-makcik. Hahaha. Anyway, the boys! When they saw me, they hesitated and were like, so shy!!! So cute nak cubit please!!! Anam's nenek brought him to me and asked Anam, "Cakap ape kat Teacher Siti?" & Anam was soooooo shy and softly said, "Good afternoon, Teacher Siti..."

OMG NAK CUBIIITTTT!!!!!!

I wish those two were in my class. Guess I'm not so lucky because my class is mostly PRs and foreigners. *face palm* I pray for smooth sailing seas for the days ahead until February when my form teacher would hopefully and finally join us after recovering from her fractured ankle. I met her just now too. She seemed friendly enough, always initiating conversation. Hopefully, being co-teacher to her would not have history repeating itself. Bismillah.

Anyway, I don't think I've ever mentioned this blogger and vlogger named Maria Elena. She's really inspiring, I've been a fan since the first time I started wearing the hijab and stumbled upon her Youtube account. We have something in common: we started wearing hijab in the same year but I was a couple of months earlier than her. She just got married last month. I absolutely loved her wedding video! Maybe I'd add that in too. So anyway, I stumbled upon this particular post of hers. Click here. I find it so true somehow. Everything has been spoken there, so I don't have to repeat it here. Worth the read. :)

So sweet, right? :') In love with the song too. Simply perfect for everything. :)

That's about it, I guess. Gotta sleep early now. It's 10.31pm and I've got a project presentation to worry about tomorrow. As well as what to do with the kids for 2 hours tomorrow. OMG. My lesson plans all still haven't... Sigh. The holidays were too short for me to complete everything. Pfft. Wish me luck for tomorrow. Bismillah.

But this time, it’s taking me over

It’s making me feel something that I don’t understand but 

This heart it couldn’t beat faster, tonight a thousand lights 

They shine, shine for us

It's 2013. How time flies.

2012. It was a year full of struggles and challenges. Yet, I've pulled through, made it this far and...well, I wouldn't say I've come out stronger. I still remember my new year resolution for 2012: To be stronger.

Well, the question is: Was I strong in 2012? You be the judge. All I know is nothing compared to the helplessness, weakness and pain that I felt back in November 2011. (On my aunt's death anniversary pulak tu.) But I have long put that day behind me, though occasionally, I'd let myself play the memory as though it just happened yesterday: to remind myself to never be that careless ever again. This memory keeps my feet on the ground and reminds me to never forget The Almighty. (:

I'm definitely sidetracking, right? Haha. As usual. Anyway, 2012 sure had its ups and downs. Starting the year with a boyfriend on attachment and even now, the boyfriend is undergoing National Service. Same old la kan? Hahaha, kidding! Truth be told, due to the fact that I've been "clingy" because he has always been around during our RP days, this momentary slash off and on separation has only made me a stronger person. Some Saturdays I get to see him for a few hours, sometimes we won't even get to meet for 3 weeks in a row. So far, the longest has been 3 weeks. I dread that it may someday end up longer than that but, hopefully not. Anyway, we've been strong throughout this NS period and I'm really proud of him. Sooo handsome now, I cair uolls!

As I was saying, 2012 was the year I graduated from Republic Polytechnic, had my first job as a retail associate at Uniqlo (which till now, I still can't decide if it was a good or bad decision), tried to finally chase my dreams, attempted primary school level but decided I can't stand children who answer back rudely (RON.), awesome gamelan shows, a couple of failed attempts for landing a job in the early childhood field (of course I was disappointed after that), finally got a sponsorship for a study/work schedule (ALHAMDULILLAH!), being called "Teacher Siti" for the first time, getting my first Teachers' Day gifts, being stabbed in the back (well, not really but almost like that), having one of the best birthday celebrations, getting salaries and my first BONUS, providing for my family as best as I can (I feel like a mother already) and finally, here we are.

It has been a challenging year, and with my dad still jobless, everyone is relying on me. At least my sis still has a job to provide for her shopping needs. Hahah. Yes, her shopping needs. Pantang kalau tak shopping bila dapat gaji. Anyway, even though I wasn't able to keep much savings because of our current financial situation, I'm still glad that I could help my parents. That maybe me getting this job was a blessing too because when my dad got retrenched, at least there was me with a monthly income. Giving back to my parents, especially the first time, felt really amazing because I'm finally helping to lighten their burden after all they've been through to lighten mine. But even so, I can't even repay them for all that. I will be forever indebted to them, and that's how much power parents have. :)

This is the first time I'm mentioning my family's current situation. I guess it's hard to keep it bottled up. Good thing that I still have a blog to pen down all my thoughts and frustrations. Luckily my mum saved a lot of money from the profits she made from all her investments. 

So, anyway, I've revamped my list of resolutions for 2013. Instead of just "I'm going to be a stronger person in 2013", it'll kind of be a list. I mean, it's not wrong to have some things to achieve for next year, right? I haven't really properly formed the list because I was only thinking about it. So, here goes:

The original still sticks. HAHA. I'm going to try as best as I can to be a stronger person still. I've always been weak. That's what I've always thought and know. I used to cry at the slightest things, it'll just be so hard to control tears from pouring out of my eyes when I feel upset. Even now, I still cry myself to sleep. I don't know why but at night, my emotions seem to magnify. Probably because at night, everything in life settles down so you just have that space in your brain to be thinking, especially when you're finding it hard to fall asleep. And then there's the occasional hurtful words from people around me that brings me down. I always tell myself to shrug it off but sometimes, it's hard. I can't build the shield around me strong enough. Eventually, it'll just break down. That's why I just want to be strong, strong enough so that no words can knock me down. It's a long shot, but I'm still trying. So, anyway, it still sticks.

Next, a better person. I stumbled upon this somehow, and I'd probably use this as a guideline, haha. 

- Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day —- and while you walk, smile.

- Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

- Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

- Don’t over do; keep your limits.

- Don’t take yourself so seriously; no one else does.

- Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.

- Dream more while you are awake.

- Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

- Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

- Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.

- Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

- No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

- Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

- Smile and laugh more.

- You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

I know it's a long list, hahahahaha. The original list is longer. But hey, you start somewhere. Anyway, I can somehow relate to this list because I do the opposite of what is stated. Maybe I can change some of that, hopefully. Because I do know how much of a negative person I am. And serious. Unfortunately, due to the year I'm going to face, what with a new class of children to handle alone and the workload that comes with it, I believe this list may be quite hard to achieve. Even I myself am aware of that. Sigh. But what to do? Suck it up and live with it. All I hope for is that I don't lose who I am in the process. Ahmad and my sis told me I've changed. Not evil change but, somehow, there's just this change in me that was hardly noticeable but it's there, surfacing once in a while. Which is why I need to find out what this is and become the person I was before. I've heard so many stories of what this field can turn you into. I'm scared too, honestly. Who wants to lose themselves?

Hmm, I guess this sums up my resolution for 2013. I'll be ending my course in December. My bond starts after that. I can't wait for that. I want so badly to start my Degree already. Because only then will I be allowed to settle down. Mum's orders. But who knows? She might change her mind. Which girl doesn't wanna get married right? I sure do. Don't get me started on the things I always say whenever I go to weddings. But maybe I'll talk about this another time. :)

This post is too long already. All I meant to talk about were my resolutions. It's not like I have much readers anyway so all of the above were redundant. On the other hand, this blog is just a place for my thoughts and feelings.

So... to everyone who matters to me, thank you for 2012. Thank you for the lovely experiences, bitter and sweet memories. It's been an amazing year and I'm proud and honoured and happy to have been by your sides in whatever we have done and gone through together.

Happy 2013! May it bring you success, happiness and everything good, Amin.

Love, Fazzz.