Perfect

I think this would be so effective right now.

Too bad I lost it.

"You're just gonna damage yourself with all these kind of thoughts. Everyone believes in you, everyone is strong for you. & if you can't be strong for them, then you're not worth them being strong for."

How is it that I tell myself this everyday, and yet, I still end up feeling sorry for myself, for the state I am in. Damaged? That pretty much fits. Yeah sure, I pray, I doa until I cry, I go for maulids whenever I can, but at the end of the day, I still can't accept this reality, the fate that Allah has written for me. Each day I ask, why me? What have I done to deserve all this? Why do I have to be the reason my parents go through watching me in pain and trying to take that away?

I wish I had the guts to talk to Ummi Aisyah about this. But I know I'd cry. This always makes me cry. Indonesia opened my eyes to many things, but I still haven't grasped on the acceptance part. & I know that's what she would say to me.

I just keep pushing on because I don't want to disappoint the people who love me. & the truth is, I would be too happy to actually plunge a knife through THAT pain. But I don't because I don't have the guts to and because it's stupid.

No matter how each day hurts, no matter what I go through each day, I just suck it up. I know there is a reason behind why all these happen to me. I know that. But accepting it, is hard. Today was even worse. I had two choices. & I was torn between the two. The first was tempting, but it had risks. The second, it'd take a while. After much thinking, I chose the latter, because I didn't want risks in the first place and if those risks happened, I would have to give up photography, and that is something I can't bring myself to do. I'd do anything for this, just as long as there are no risks.

You don't know what it's like to be me. I've lived like this since 2007, do the math. & each year, it just adds on.

It hurts so much, physically, emotionally, whatever. I wish I could find a way to numb it. I need faith, but it's too far away for me. I broke too easily, I gave up too easily. I don't have the strength to be strong anymore. Everyday, you hurl shit at me and all I do is shut up and fake a smile and pretend like it's nothing. Then I'd relive those moments in my mind and break down. That's typical me.

Seriously, my mind is in a complete mess. I'd rather let it all out here than tell anyone. Cause sometimes, it's just hard to string the words together. I'm just in no mood right now. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. No one is making me feel better either.

I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and get over it. Bye.

Yet again, I've realized so much things.

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying

Cause that's what I said I would do from the start

I'm not alive if I'm lonely

So, please don't leave

Was it something I said ror just my personality