When I'm With You

I miss having these girls around in class. :(

I'm leaving tomorrow! I have mixed feelings, actually. Sisto asked why I don't seem excited. I'm not because, even though I know I'll have fun there, I'll miss the fun here as well. But well, what can I do? Plus, I won't be entirely having fun there. I have OOP assignment to worry about. Sheesh, the horror. Gaaaaah.

Wish me a safe journey, kay?

By the way, I'll get the chance of experiencing an Indonesian maulid. Umi Aisyah is having a 3000-people maulid on the 10th. That's why I have to bring a tudung and an "abaya" along. I don't know how different the maulids are, you know, Indonesia and Singapore, even if Umi Aisyah has her own style. Looking forward to it, especially my favourite song/doas. Marhaban-marrrhaban~~~

Alrighty, I will miss a loooooooooooooot of people while I'm away. :(

When I'm with you

I'll make every second count

Cause I miss you

Whenever you're not around

When I kiss you

I still get butterflies years from now

I'll make every second count when I'm with you

P.S Liyana's post today touched me. Awwwwww. Haha. :)

Aku Pasti Kembali

I have so much to do while I'm in Indonesia. Bummer siaaaa. But I'm trying to complete one right now, and do the best I can, so I don't have to rework on it later on. Hopefully Faci Annie accepts it. Thank god I chose this topic for PP, the hard part is just the research and summarizing it as best I can. 'cause only 30% of copying is allowed from the net. Pffft.

As for OOP assignment, I progressed on it today. Phew! At least I got started on something. But I've got no clue on the player part. Bummer siolllll.

This song title fits what I'm feeling right now. It's like, 2 weeks away from the people I love in Singapore. Quite saddening. A lot of things can happen in 2 weeks, and I'll be missing a lot of the fun with GNK. Liyana was so sad about many things today sey. I feel bad for her 'cause I wasn't able to comfort her enough. Nice to know I'll be missed though. Heh.

Stay awake, Faz, awake!!! Lots to do.

Aku hanya pergi tuk sementara

Bukan tuk meninggalkanmu selamanya

Ku pasti kan kembali pada dirimu

Tapi kau jangan nakal

Aku pasti kembali

I miss the times when it used to be easier.

I wish my piano had no spoilt keys.

I'll play like there's no tomorrow.

'cause that's the only cure for the pain I'm going through.

What I want is simple.

Us.

I feel bad for leaving for 2 weeks. Today just made me realize how much I will be missing in the whole 2 weeks, and how much things can or might change while I'm away. Even though I was already reassured that nothing is going to happen, there is this tugging feeling in my heart, something is going to change, one way or other. I know I'll miss a lot of people here, and I will leave with a heavy heart, trust me.

Lately, there isn't enough time for you and me. & I blame myself for dragging you into this mess. No point wishing to turn back the time; what's done is done. I can't help but miss spending time with you. But I know our time will come, and I'll be patient for that. :)

Where Are You Now

Pictures will do the talking.

My sexy model. Heh.

Finally, a couple picture.

Perfect shot!!!

Got so tired doing this. Azhar made us jump so many times just to get...

THIS!!!

Love this!! :)

Kang's baby! So cute! Her name is beautiful, but I forgot. :(

Something Cinta.

I LOVE THIS PICTURE, RAFI!!

THANK YOU!!!!

Look at my eyes.

Sooo tak proportionate.

Took many shots 'cause Liyana looked different in all. HAHAHA.

They're really sweet. :) HAHA.

Damn epic sia this. Shaaa, Shaaaa.

Everytime I look at this picture, I crack up all over again.

OMG, damn hilarious.

Story: Group shot, Shaa behind me, tripped over my leg and fell over.

Me panic while the others laugh.

HAHAHA.

Ramayana Under The Stars was AWESOME!!!

Though I spent the rest of the day with a headache. Bummer.

I know we’ll never see those days again

And things will never be that way again

But that’s just how it goes

People change but I know

I won’t forget you

Long overdued pictures.

Sorry, Nat.

Hope this makes your day. :)

I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

& my usual pain hurts worse lately.

Say goodbye to the scream-for-your-life rides at Ancol, Faz.

Happy 18th Birthday to this little girl !!!!

Had a good time with her during first and second break.

Even managed to eat a huge slice of her cake.

Then, lunched with her. & she actually finished her food faster than me, which is a first!

& I learnt quite shocking things about her.

Which made us have more things in common. :D

Then, went to her class to teach her the binary format thing.

Which made me feel smart! :D

Her birthday made me forget many things.

That I'm regretting some decisions I've made.

That I'm disappointed with the way I turned out.

That tomorrow, I'm visiting my second home.

That sometimes, I smile as I cry.

Smile because I'm luckier than others who go through worse than me.

Cry because sometimes the pain hurts so much.

I'm still being patient with everything.

I don't mind stuffing my face with cake right now.

I just feel like eating and eating and eating.

I'm trying to be as understanding as I can.

I'm trying to find a way to settle the problem at hand.

I'm trying to be there for the people who need me.

I'm trying my best to listen to their woes.

But who's listening to mine?

Everyone has their own problems.

But it's important to know this:

If you can't change the way things currently are,

then you will have to accept it the way it is.

I learnt this lesson on my own, believe me.

'cause in the end, it's all in Allah's hands to change your fate.

Watched this at Fiqri's house the other day with Liyana and her bro's family. But I only watched it halfway, and then, just about an hour ago, Liyana gave me the link so I finished up watching it. I must say, that it's a reeaaally, reeeally nice movie. Inspiring, damn, damn, damn inspiring. For many things eh. Heh.

Cried a little at the last part 'cause it was damn touching. But I put up this part, 'cause I liked the last part of it, the one about the jodoh thing. Syurga Cinta. Hmm~~~~

Thanks, Liyana!! :) But I'm not in love with Awal. Hahahahaha!!

But you all soooooo gotta watch the whole movie. I haven't watched a good one like this for ages!! Religious stuff included. :)

Bernafas Tanpamu

I hate my dream last night. That's for sure. No response from.... Never mind. If it ever were to happen (again!), I guess I'll just have to accept it, huh? I didn't accept it back then, but I think I'll be stronger enough to accept it now, if it ever happens again.

I was reading old blogs entries of my friends. Better remember to link Liyana. & I found these on Li Jun's! Yeah, credits to her. I just miss the old W35F days. It was pure happiness and craziness.

I miss this girl. & the boy looks handsome eh? :p

OMG, I look fugly. Freaking miss those days so much.

I miss these people. :(

Time to start downloading 6Ps for the coming UT. This Tuesday is the easiest module UT, next Tuesday is the Java module UT. Can die ahhh.

I'm starting to regret agreeing to holiday at Indonesia. I just have this feeling it's going to change me in some way, positive or negative, I've got no clue. I dread for what's going to happen there. The only thing I look forward to is the shopping part, 'cause Mummy dearest is giving us daughters each S$200 to shop there. Imagine when you change that to rupiah, fuyooooo, I'll be a rich bitch. I'm saving up my own backup money, just in case. :)

I'll miss a lot of people, that's for sure. 2 weeks is a really long time. :(

Tak pernah aku bermaksud mengusikmu

Mengganggu setiap ketentraman hidupmu

Hanya tak mudah bagiku lupakanmu

Dan pergi menjauh

Beri sedikit waktu agar ku terbiasa

Bernafas tanpamu

It's All Coming Back To Me Now

FIQRI !!

Finally met this little kid. Cute gilerrrrr.

Anyway, seems like my past is back to haunt me.

All those memories are swimming around my head right now.

Every single thing that happened that year.

Nadine, why did you give away my number just like that?

Sheesh, never mind.

Thanks to you for calling. Everything is coming back to me now. Every single thing that happened that year that I forever want to erase from my memory. Getting into trouble, being in trouble, longkang escapes, soccer matches, remedial pontengs, falling in love for the first time. Everything is playing like a movie in my head. Even when I close my eyes, I can picture everything so clearly. Every feeling I had, all the fun I had with them, with him.

I wanted to forget.

Fuck, I wanted to forget. I wanted to leave that life behind. No, it is already behind me, all that's left are the memories. You just had to call and remind me. All these years, not a word, not even a try to keep in touch. How nice. Why now then?

I guess this is what they meant when they say you'll never forget your first love. I forgot, but I remembered again. Now, I'll forget again. :)

I finished crying in the instant that you left

And I can't remember where or when or how

And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

I Believe I Can Fly

I'll just promote this event while I'm here.

So yeah, our next performance.

22nd May, 3pm, Saturday, Stamford Green.

Speaking of performances, attended one AWESOME to the max today.

HARLEM GOSPEL!!!!

AWESOME GILERRRRR.

Even though if was all Christian-y.

But I don't mind.

The row sitting behind us were very irritating and rude.

The first item they sang, when Michelle was saying this inspiring thing,

someone kicked my leg on purpose.

& gave me that smile.

Obviously, I know the reason why.

I'm sorry, but it ain't easy.

Not when reality sometimes kicks you hard in the face.

But I'm still praying, still hoping.

Never letting go.

Rest assured of that.

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away

Go check out Ahmad's tumblr. The post that was dedicated to Syai. Syai terharu. Hee~~~

I will get my Roti John later. Yayy!!!

I will get my beloved Starbucks Frappe that I've missed so much, tomorrow. Yayy!!!

ROTI JOHN, ROTI JOHN, ROTI JOHNNN.

AKU NGIDAM KAU.

MARI MARI MARI MARI KE SINI.

The whole graduation thing was damn kecoh.

Thank you, Kak Ramz, for letting me experience this. :)

I feel like digging out my ovaries with my own bare hands.

But I keep reminding myself to be patient with it.

Ya Allah, please give me strength.

Everybody's Changing

This is Kunyit, Nafisah's dearest cat.
Beautiful, isn't she? :D

I was hoping Kunyit would be at the lift lobby again today but she wasn't there, even when I called her name, she didn't come. Probably roaming around somewhere. But Nafisah gave me permission to cat-nap Kunyit anytime I want. Haha.

Cried so many times today. It didn't even help that at the start, I was already having a headache and trying to bear with my cramps+ovary pain. & then, the news came. I believe I was the last person to know that she was leaving today. But I guess that's life. People walk in and out. The most important thing is to let them know that no matter what, you love them.

Many thanks to Natasha, Mirah, Liyana, Hazlinda and Ahmad for trying to comfort me, even though I cried like a baby. Tsk. Don't know what came over me but I seriously appreciate you guys being there for me.

I don't want any of you to be the next to leave me. Please, don't. I love you guys, no matter who you are.

You're gone from here

Soon you will disappear fading into beautiful light

Cause everybody's changing and I don't feel right

Another family member leaving.

First Pak Ucu, now her.

But then again, who never leaves, huh?

My heart hurts.

& I mean it, it really hurts.

Never thought Mum could do something so beautiful.

Found this on Tumblr. It seriously made me cry. IN CLASS! Dah la orang tengah cramps+ovary pain. Nangis pulak. Nasib tengah break time. Sheesh.

Ya Allah, Ya tuhan ku yang Maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang, yang maha mendengar lagi maha melihat, yang maha memberi lagi maha mengetahui, yang maha suci, yang maha pemberi petunjuk, yang maha melimpahkan kebahagiaan, yang maha kuat, lagi maha pengampun.

Dengarlah doa saya, jika memang engkau maha mengetahui, saya yakin engkau tidak pernah lupa, engkau pernah berfirman dalam kitab mu jika kami berdoa maka kau akan mengabulkannya. Ya Allah, engkau tidak pernah ingkar, maka ya Allah kabulkanlah doa-doaku dalam sujud terakhirku, dalam pikiranku, dalam sanubariku. Saat aku menghadapmu saat aku membaca firman-firman mu, saat aku melihat kebesaranmu, mengukurnya dengan penggaris dan menghitungnya dengan kalkulator, sedikit demi sedikit.

Ya Allah, berilah aku petunjuk ke jalan yang lurus, jalan orang-orang yang engkau ridhoi, jadilah pengawasku, dalam bangun dan tidurku yang lelap. ingatkan Aku ya Allah apabila aku lemah, jagalah aku, baik di depanku, di samping kanan dan kiriku, di belakangku, di atasku, di bawahku, dan jadikan aku lebih baik dari hari ini, buatlah aku menjadi orang-orang yang beruntung. Aku menginginkan perlidungan kelas satu-mu dari syetan yang terkutuk. Agar aku bisa bersama dengan orang-orang yang engkau cintai.

Ya Allah yang Maha Suci, sucikanlah hambamu ini dari dosa-dosa, dari kemaksiatan, dari zina, dan dari harta yang seharusnya tidak menjadi milik saya. Sucikan lah perkataan, perbuatan, penglihatan, dan pemikiran hambamu ini. Jangan biarkan saya diperbudak oleh syetan yang terkutuk, terjerumus dalam nerakamu. Jauhkanlah saya dari apa apa yang haram, apa apa yang membuat saya lengah dan takluk dalam godaan yang mengkotorkan hati dan pikiran saya.

It all matched what I felt last night. The prayer I've always had in my heart. Gawd, I have to stop sleeping in my telekung. But it always feels nice, ya know. Like there's something unseen wrapped around you, protecting you, over just a piece of cloth. I know that's creepy though. Haha. But shit, this cramps is giving me pure hell, plus the usual cyst "breakout".

Pak Adi says I'll have this even when I'm older. Which basically means, forever. Gawd, why can't boys have the same kind of pain too? Balls-cramps or something? LOL! Okay, shall not continue that topic 'cause it will sound gross. Eh imagine eh, boys with cramps? Pad pon tak muat sak!

OMG! See? Gross!!!!

I am innocent, I have a clean mind. Shoooooo~~!!!!!

Okay, calmer now. Seriously, ever since I got hospitalized for this ovary thing, it has never stopped. Egg rupture, cyst form. How can it possibly happen for EVERY cycle??? Seriously, it hurts to even tahan the pain. I've just taken 2 painkillers and it's making me bloody drowsy.

I seriously can't wait to go to Indonesia and meet Umi Aisyah. Really need to talk to her. Maybe she has answers for me, maybe not. But you know, being affiliated to someone like her, is actually not a bad thing. & honestly, I swear, I like to watch her. It's fascinating. She looks so young even though her age is like 50 plus, if I'm not wrong. The wonders of ablution. But that's not the reason why I like to watch her. You just have to meet her. & omg, I know deep inside that she knows everything inside me with one look at me. :S

Nyaaa~~ Aku nak berak sekarang. Dah pukul 3.05. Nanti kene amek gambar untuk Kak Ramz nye graduation. Am actually excited for it, 'cause she's in SIT. But my cramps are giving me problems. :(

Wish me luck for later. Maybe drop a little prayer that my pain will go away. Every doa counts. Thank you. I love you. :)

KPAK BING BING!!!!!!!!!

I had my conversation with him.

The conversation I wanted, so called sweet revenge.

(But it wasn't as bad as the way he did to me back then. Tsk.)

But anyway, I think it's the greatest news I've heard this week.

Seriously, Syai, aku happy banget untuk kau.

Tak sia-sia tolong orang walaupun akhirnya unsuccessful

Tak sia-sia kene merajok dengan orang tu sampai sebulan lebih

Tak sia-sia kene campak botol (eleh, eksyen, haha!)

[Nampaknye macam aku kene kan kau balik eh, Syai? Haha.]

After watching you go through the disappointments you've had,

after trying to help you through them all,

giving you my opinions and advices,

even though now we may not be as close as before,

I'm really happy for you right now because you deserve it.

Told you before, never give up and everything you've gone through will be worth the ride.

You helped me alot, now it's your turn to be happy.

So treasure her alright?

Saaaaaaampai betol-betol kpak bing bing!

Hahahahha, korang cute sey tadi.

Last long kay!!

I'll never forget how you started my love story.

Now you're having yours, I wish you everlasting happiness.

Last night was the first time I've ever felt so angry at you. Normally, the other times when I see you; when you come over my house or we go to yours, when we bump into each other at family functions, or be it a maulid or zikir event that someone's having, I won't feel a thing when I see you. Sure, I salam you and smile, but I don't speak to you. Maybe a few words, but not much. But last night, despite the delicious brownies that constantly filled my stomach, when I looked at you, I felt disgusted.

Maybe it was the words that came out of your mouth that I happened to hear. Or maybe it was the way you speak that changed that I had noticed.

It's revolting, I swear to God.

I feel anger even as I type here. I just need a space to write out my thoughts or I can go crazy with these angry thoughts. Be warned though, what you read is not going to be nice.

Those words you said last night that caught me offguard, that instantly reminded me of what you did, of what you were before this, I'll bet you didn't even think about your past before you said those words. You should feel ashamed of yourself.

Mentang2 kau dah jadi Singapore PR sejak kau kahwin dengan atok aku, mentang2 kerje kau macam boss, mentang2 duit skarang dah banyak, hey pempuan, ape kau buat kat keluarga aku, aku tak akan lupe eh.

"Kerje 2 tahun kat sini sampai kontrak habis, balik baru kahwin." was what you said to Cik La's maid.

Eh cibai sak. That wasn't what you did. Now you're saying this to another maid. You don't have the fucking right.

After you said those words, I was instantly brought back to that morning in that room 11 years ago. I can't even believe myself, it's been that long since it happened. I was only 8, and I witnessed a grown-up scene in that room. It took every ounce of patience and resistance to not jump up straightaway and yell at your face, "Remember what you did to my family?!"

If it wasn't for you, things wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't have to watch my grandfather lose weight, gain, then lose again. I know he works hard because he has a new family to provide for now. And that's it. He has a new family. What used to be his family, isn't his family anymore. If it wasn't for you, my mother wouldn't hold such a big grudge against you and him. If it wasn't for you, my father wouldn't have gotten beaten up 11 years ago, and all that was because my grandfather told someone to and it's BECAUSE OF YOU. If it wasn't for you, Pak Ucu would never have left for Dubai or wherever, just because he couldn't accept that his father married you. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have lost 11 years with my grandfather.

11 years is a long time, and it's not something I can easily forgive you for. You made me lose what I held close to my heart, the only grandparent I had for 8 years. Do you have any idea what it's like to lose someone physically? You know he's alive and well, but you can't see him because your mother hates him for what he did. Even when we reconciled, your mere existence by my grandfather's side made my mother hate having to pay him a visit. I know she doesn't hate him, she just hates you, because you're connected to him.

& yesterday, those words from you, got the memories rolling back to me. I wish there was such a thing as a memory eraser, so I can erase all the dirty memories you gave me. It's disgusting to have to be reminded that such a thing ever happened in my life, and I was there to witness it. What happened in that fucking room, you disgusting bitch.

I still think you married him for money. He was rich back then, owns a shop and all that. And you succeeded, look at you now. Three kids, good job, big pay. And your fucking house has pictures of only you and your kids. But your husband? NONE. Man, I wish I pointed that out yesterday. I'd like to hear what you'd say. You'd probably lie.

If you never existed, I'll probably be as close as I used to be with my grandfather. I would not have been deprived of an elderly's affection. Oh, not just me, but my sisters too.

Ah, drop it. Brooding over it won't change anything. But this family has certainly taught me so many things that I wouldn't do when I grow up. That's something I'm thankful for, and I think there is a hidden meaning behind it all.

There, I don't have any mood now. Bye.

9 months ago

I just feel like getting some things off my chest right now. So, here's another part I like from The Pact by Jodi Picoult. Finally finished it, though I must say the ending surprised me as hell.

'Do you know,' Chris said softly, 'what it's like to love someone so much, that you can't see yourself without picturing her? Or what it's like to touch someone, and feel like you've come home?' He made a fist, and rested it in the palm of his other hand. 'What we had wasn't about sex, or about being with someone just to show off what you've got, the way it was for other kids our age. We were, well, meant to be together. Some people spend their whole lives looking for that one person,' he said. 'I was lucky enough to have her all along.'

Right now, it feels just like that. Have you ever loved someone so much that sometimes it hurts too? Especially when that someone has done so many things for you, changed you into a better person, taught you so many things about life that you see it in a different, clearer light now. & sometimes, you feel like you don't deserve that person because they're much too good for you.

Well, he was that person. Ahmad. If it wasn't for him, I think I would never be who I am now. I'd probably be crumbling somewhere, I dunno.

But yes, the past month, I discovered a feeling new to me. Jealousy. It struck me as odd that it came now instead of way back. It's not wrong to feel jealous kannn, cemburu tandanya sayang. But I wonder why, it's been so long since I felt jealous when it comes to something like this, so much that it was new to me. Ye la, boyfriend aku sekarang makin handsome, siape tak insecure kan? HAHA.

The past 9 months had many, many ups and downs, and definitely, a handful of arguments. Through it all, it made us learn so much about patience, strength and whatnots. Most importantly, he makes me love him even more. It's a different feeling each day, I don't know how to explain it.

Hmm, enough said. I'm probably disgusting you. Hahaha. It's not often that I blog about this kind of stuff anyway. 9 months. How time flies. Reminds me of the good old W35F days.

Guess I should go sleep now.

I Swear This Time I Mean It

Chillax was a blast! Insanely awesome and nothing like Kirana. I even dared to joget during Bima Kurda. Hahah. & Wilujeng, ohmygawd, I had such a peaceful sleep after the whole thing was over. Imagine eh, one month++ of worrying that my Wilujeng on bonang sucked and then, during the show, I was so sure the mallets will slip from my hands because they were sweating so much but hey, seeing the guys from W35F at the top of the studio, as well as the rest of GNK around me, I think that was what kept me going. How insanely awesome izzaaaatttt?? I had so much support from GNK and gawdd, I have you guys to thank especially Fazlin aka twin sister, who rapped Wilujeng and Ayun-Ayun with me backstage on bump-in day and actual day just so I can feel better and forget about being nervous. The weight in my heart is gone, and gawd, it felt so goooooood~~! Majuuuuuuuuu GNK!!!

Thank you to all who made Chillax possible: Committee, TRCC, CAP, Rafi as photographer. & also to the small group of people I invited to come down: Reuben, Bernard, John, Hazlinda, Delphine and Siew Ying. A million thank yous to you guys!! Seeing the studio filled like that made the trainings all worthwhile. Love you guys!

Happy 9th, baby! :D

(My mummy says I look like hantu in makeup. T.T)

The second thing that made my morning. :)

Surprised me awesomely. Had a good laugh.

Thanks, you guys! :D

Have a great weekend ahead, y'all !!

Take care and be safe always. :)

You could crush me

Please don't crush me

'Cause baby I'm a dreamer for sure

And I won't let you down

I swear this time I mean it

Found something on Le Love that made me cry a little. Doesn't even help that I have a flu and a blocked nose now. -.-

"1 year, 12 months, 365 days. A year ago right now I stood on top of a rooftop with him and he kissed me for the first time. I was such a different person, so innocent, so untouched, so unaware of how he would change me in the year to come.

But life happens, and suddenly you find yourself so far from where you've been. No warnings, no street signs, no one telling you where you made the wrong turn. From now on, every day will be a year since that day I spent with him: a year since I went to his house for the first time, a year since he brought me ice cream instead of soup when I was sick, a year since that photographer stopped us to take a picture of "the most beautiful couple he'd ever seen," a year since he left me a crying voicemail when his friend died, a year since I saw that look in his face and knew he was it for me, a year since he said I love you for the first time, a year since I couldn't say it back, a year since he left me, a year since he left everyone else. And soon it will be 2 years, then 3, then 10, and I won't even remember his face anymore and something somewhere will remind me of him and I will think to myself I really loved that boy.

A year since he kissed me, one month since he left me, two weeks, one day, four hours, seventeen minutes, and thirty-six seconds since he left us all. The hours keep moving along now, but the sun setting and rising, setting and rising is the only sign that time is still passing at all. I spend all my time at home; all I ever want to do is sleep. I don't go out with my friends, I don't feel like dancing, I can't focus on anything because I'm so goddamn tired of fighting that I've given up and I hate myself for it. I miss him, I have missed him, and missing him has become this dull aching hole in my chest, this feeling that comes in waves and bowls me over and makes me shake. I see pictures of him that make me cry and I think that I really fucked up and I wonder who I am and why I'm not doing absolutely everything I can to fix it, but then I realize that I can fix a lot of things, but his death is not one of them.

To every girl or boy or woman or man reading this: the biggest mistake you will ever make is letting fear of I love you stop you from saying it. I was afraid, but he thought that meant I didn't care. After a while, he gave up and it hurt him too much to stay. The only thing keeping me going when he left was the knowledge that he was the person I was meant to be with so in a little while, whether it be days or months or years, I would get another chance. I knew this so clearly that even when life felt so hard without him, I kept my chin up and the tears off my face because I knew he would be back. I forgot that life is fragile, hearts are only protected by a thin little cage of bones, people are born and die every day. I never once thought that I wouldn't get that second chance. I lived on it, it kept me breathing, and now that he is really gone I can't live without it.

So please, I beg of you, tell him or her. I didn't because I was afraid of humiliation, of getting hurt, of emotions so little compared to how I feel now. If I had said it he would have been at prom with me when it happened. He wouldn't have been the one picking up dinner for his mom so he wouldn't have been in that car and been at that intersection when that truck ran through that light and he would still be here. Please say it when you feel it because now the world is spiraling into chaos around me and every picture of what I was so sure my life would be like has been shattered and I need to do something to stop this from happening to anyone else.

It didn't have to be this way. It could have been a year since I said I love you back. It could have been 10 years from now, remembering where it all began on that rooftop, remembering how he always thought it would last a lifetime and, though I never said it, so did I. It could have been different, but it isn't. So I will just sit here and keep on breathing and hope that time will make each day, each month, each year a little bit easier to bear without him. I will keep trying to fit together the pieces of my life that I have left, even when the puzzles still a mess and I still feel so broken. It didn't have to be this way for me, and it doesn't have to be this way for you. Sometime in this life, the person who means to you what he did to me will be gone. Hopefully you will have time with them, time that I didn't have, but even if you do, it will happen sometime in the far future and when it does, the regret will break you if you never said it.

So here it is Connor, I like to think better late than never:


I love you."

Seriously, it's beautiful. I love Le Love.

Anyway, Chillax is in 0 days, 23 hours, 42 minutes! The countdown still continues as I type right now. I actually placed a counter on the GNK blog. For fun. HAHA. Anyway, yeah, tonight's the bump-in. I'm pretty scared for Wilujeng. Still not confident. & my facial expressions as well. Gaaawd. Looking forward to see that nice hair accessory for the girls that Liyana was talking about. :D

I still can't stop listening to Kebesaranmu. Heeeee.

(Ahmad gave me the *kening naik-naik* when he told me he read my post about Haz. I think I know what that means. Haha. :p)

I'm gonna go.

Nagasssss! We can do it! We worked hard during the vacation for Chillax, now the big day has come, it's tomorrow!!! Let's do this!!!!!