Last night was the first time I've ever felt so angry at you. Normally, the other times when I see you; when you come over my house or we go to yours, when we bump into each other at family functions, or be it a maulid or zikir event that someone's having, I won't feel a thing when I see you. Sure, I salam you and smile, but I don't speak to you. Maybe a few words, but not much. But last night, despite the delicious brownies that constantly filled my stomach, when I looked at you, I felt disgusted.

Maybe it was the words that came out of your mouth that I happened to hear. Or maybe it was the way you speak that changed that I had noticed.

It's revolting, I swear to God.

I feel anger even as I type here. I just need a space to write out my thoughts or I can go crazy with these angry thoughts. Be warned though, what you read is not going to be nice.

Those words you said last night that caught me offguard, that instantly reminded me of what you did, of what you were before this, I'll bet you didn't even think about your past before you said those words. You should feel ashamed of yourself.

Mentang2 kau dah jadi Singapore PR sejak kau kahwin dengan atok aku, mentang2 kerje kau macam boss, mentang2 duit skarang dah banyak, hey pempuan, ape kau buat kat keluarga aku, aku tak akan lupe eh.

"Kerje 2 tahun kat sini sampai kontrak habis, balik baru kahwin." was what you said to Cik La's maid.

Eh cibai sak. That wasn't what you did. Now you're saying this to another maid. You don't have the fucking right.

After you said those words, I was instantly brought back to that morning in that room 11 years ago. I can't even believe myself, it's been that long since it happened. I was only 8, and I witnessed a grown-up scene in that room. It took every ounce of patience and resistance to not jump up straightaway and yell at your face, "Remember what you did to my family?!"

If it wasn't for you, things wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't have to watch my grandfather lose weight, gain, then lose again. I know he works hard because he has a new family to provide for now. And that's it. He has a new family. What used to be his family, isn't his family anymore. If it wasn't for you, my mother wouldn't hold such a big grudge against you and him. If it wasn't for you, my father wouldn't have gotten beaten up 11 years ago, and all that was because my grandfather told someone to and it's BECAUSE OF YOU. If it wasn't for you, Pak Ucu would never have left for Dubai or wherever, just because he couldn't accept that his father married you. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have lost 11 years with my grandfather.

11 years is a long time, and it's not something I can easily forgive you for. You made me lose what I held close to my heart, the only grandparent I had for 8 years. Do you have any idea what it's like to lose someone physically? You know he's alive and well, but you can't see him because your mother hates him for what he did. Even when we reconciled, your mere existence by my grandfather's side made my mother hate having to pay him a visit. I know she doesn't hate him, she just hates you, because you're connected to him.

& yesterday, those words from you, got the memories rolling back to me. I wish there was such a thing as a memory eraser, so I can erase all the dirty memories you gave me. It's disgusting to have to be reminded that such a thing ever happened in my life, and I was there to witness it. What happened in that fucking room, you disgusting bitch.

I still think you married him for money. He was rich back then, owns a shop and all that. And you succeeded, look at you now. Three kids, good job, big pay. And your fucking house has pictures of only you and your kids. But your husband? NONE. Man, I wish I pointed that out yesterday. I'd like to hear what you'd say. You'd probably lie.

If you never existed, I'll probably be as close as I used to be with my grandfather. I would not have been deprived of an elderly's affection. Oh, not just me, but my sisters too.

Ah, drop it. Brooding over it won't change anything. But this family has certainly taught me so many things that I wouldn't do when I grow up. That's something I'm thankful for, and I think there is a hidden meaning behind it all.

There, I don't have any mood now. Bye.