Despite knowing that all life ends and returns to Allah, here I am still feeling terrified to lose the only grandparent I have left. My childhood with him was stripped away by the one person I know deep down that I'd never be able to truly forgive, especially not after finding out what she did that brought him to the condition he is in right now.
The hurricane of emotions I've been feeling since I found out never left. Each time I think about him, how he looked on the hospital bed, me clutching his hand as though I could hang on to his life for him, watching him sigh and moan as he moved to find a comfortable position on his bed because his stomach hurts, all these bring tears to my eyes I just can't stop.
I've always prayed that no one else I know besides my late aunt would have cancer. It's a horrible disease that not only slowly kills the ill one, but the people who love them too. It hurts to watch your loved ones wither away and now I have to watch another. It just had to be the one I lost many years of childhood with.
The operation to remove like, 30%, of his colon is tomorrow. Praying so hard tonight that he'll be okay after that. I've gotta have faith. I'm just trying to be as optimistic as I can. I knew someday he'll go, but I wasn't ready for it to be cancer again. But I know it's all already written in our fates.
Till then, I pray for strength, just lots of strength and faith to brave through this again. I know I'm much stronger since Angah but I know this will break me more than Angah did. I grew up with him around and suddenly one day, he disappeared from my life, only to reappear again 7 years later. Everything changed after that, nothing was ever the same because of her. It will always be her fault. How cruel she had been to him behind our backs.
I know I won't be able to focus on work tomorrow because of the op but I have to remember to keep my emotions in check with the kids.
I might update more just so I can dump my feelings here. Too much going on, too much bottled up. Luckily, when I'm at work, my mind is taken off this matter because the kids make me forget everything else, especially when they make me laugh. So much love for the morning class.
I have to tell him I love him the next time I get to see him.
When I hear your voice
It's drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do
I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
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