I don't understand my life anymore. I know people out there have it worse than me. Like my aunt, for example. Cancer. She knows she'll die, but she can still smile and laugh around us. I want to be strong like that too, but I can't. Anymore. I just succumb to the pain. Lie down and cry, just hoping it'll go away soon. & when it does, I'll just cry even more, because I wonder to myself, how long do I have to live with this?

& it doesn't help that once I'm home, people order me around, Mum yells at me, yells the whole house down, scolds Farah for no reason, whatever I do I'll hear her voice in my head, and the maids are so bloody irritating, and I hardly even talk to Sisto even though I want to but I just don't know what to say anymore. I'm just so tired with this. I just feel like doing nothing else but cry.

& fuck la, the doctor was right. I AM stressed. With school (what the hell, maths tomorrow is gonna be fucking hard) and home. And whatever else. Yeah, I'm stressed with myself. With whatever I'm going through now. Mirah made me think today; the number of pills I have to take each day.

Am I not better off dead? Than wasting my parents' money? When they can use it on something else.

Ah, fuck la. I shouldn't be saying stuff like this. But I just can't help it. Probably will get scolded by Nats tomorrow.

Speaking of her, I have a date with her tomorrow. Yay! & we're gonna do the **** thing, like what we did in 2006. It's a best friend thing, you don't have to know. But it's nothing dirty la, kay.

I wish I was anywhere else but here. I wish I could go somewhere far and leave all my worries behind. I wish I could be more optimistic. I wish I was stronger than I am now to face whatever's ahead. But I can't. Cause I'm so close to giving up.

I'm seriously so sick of this. I'm seriously going to lose my mind soon.

& if I lose my mind and, say, like jump off the building or something, I don't know, just know, I love ya'll. No matter who you are, whether or not you play a significant part in my life, once you're in my life, I love you. Well, I'm pretty emotional right now so I'm not thinking straight, and I'll probably be alright tomorrow morning and when I read this post, I'll realize what an asshole I am to post such a suicidal-like kinda thing, but no, I'm not the suicidal type, so don't worry. I'm more of the "gembeng" type, as Syai would put it.

I'm gonna go. RJ's sucha crap. In what way has my life been shaped by chance, my foot. Tsk.

I'm just so fucking irritated right now. I think I should go sleep. Goodnight, world. I hope you people will have a better tomorrow. & I hope, and will always pray, that none of you will ever go through everything that I've gone through.