It's 2013. How time flies.

2012. It was a year full of struggles and challenges. Yet, I've pulled through, made it this far and...well, I wouldn't say I've come out stronger. I still remember my new year resolution for 2012: To be stronger.

Well, the question is: Was I strong in 2012? You be the judge. All I know is nothing compared to the helplessness, weakness and pain that I felt back in November 2011. (On my aunt's death anniversary pulak tu.) But I have long put that day behind me, though occasionally, I'd let myself play the memory as though it just happened yesterday: to remind myself to never be that careless ever again. This memory keeps my feet on the ground and reminds me to never forget The Almighty. (:

I'm definitely sidetracking, right? Haha. As usual. Anyway, 2012 sure had its ups and downs. Starting the year with a boyfriend on attachment and even now, the boyfriend is undergoing National Service. Same old la kan? Hahaha, kidding! Truth be told, due to the fact that I've been "clingy" because he has always been around during our RP days, this momentary slash off and on separation has only made me a stronger person. Some Saturdays I get to see him for a few hours, sometimes we won't even get to meet for 3 weeks in a row. So far, the longest has been 3 weeks. I dread that it may someday end up longer than that but, hopefully not. Anyway, we've been strong throughout this NS period and I'm really proud of him. Sooo handsome now, I cair uolls!

As I was saying, 2012 was the year I graduated from Republic Polytechnic, had my first job as a retail associate at Uniqlo (which till now, I still can't decide if it was a good or bad decision), tried to finally chase my dreams, attempted primary school level but decided I can't stand children who answer back rudely (RON.), awesome gamelan shows, a couple of failed attempts for landing a job in the early childhood field (of course I was disappointed after that), finally got a sponsorship for a study/work schedule (ALHAMDULILLAH!), being called "Teacher Siti" for the first time, getting my first Teachers' Day gifts, being stabbed in the back (well, not really but almost like that), having one of the best birthday celebrations, getting salaries and my first BONUS, providing for my family as best as I can (I feel like a mother already) and finally, here we are.

It has been a challenging year, and with my dad still jobless, everyone is relying on me. At least my sis still has a job to provide for her shopping needs. Hahah. Yes, her shopping needs. Pantang kalau tak shopping bila dapat gaji. Anyway, even though I wasn't able to keep much savings because of our current financial situation, I'm still glad that I could help my parents. That maybe me getting this job was a blessing too because when my dad got retrenched, at least there was me with a monthly income. Giving back to my parents, especially the first time, felt really amazing because I'm finally helping to lighten their burden after all they've been through to lighten mine. But even so, I can't even repay them for all that. I will be forever indebted to them, and that's how much power parents have. :)

This is the first time I'm mentioning my family's current situation. I guess it's hard to keep it bottled up. Good thing that I still have a blog to pen down all my thoughts and frustrations. Luckily my mum saved a lot of money from the profits she made from all her investments. 

So, anyway, I've revamped my list of resolutions for 2013. Instead of just "I'm going to be a stronger person in 2013", it'll kind of be a list. I mean, it's not wrong to have some things to achieve for next year, right? I haven't really properly formed the list because I was only thinking about it. So, here goes:

The original still sticks. HAHA. I'm going to try as best as I can to be a stronger person still. I've always been weak. That's what I've always thought and know. I used to cry at the slightest things, it'll just be so hard to control tears from pouring out of my eyes when I feel upset. Even now, I still cry myself to sleep. I don't know why but at night, my emotions seem to magnify. Probably because at night, everything in life settles down so you just have that space in your brain to be thinking, especially when you're finding it hard to fall asleep. And then there's the occasional hurtful words from people around me that brings me down. I always tell myself to shrug it off but sometimes, it's hard. I can't build the shield around me strong enough. Eventually, it'll just break down. That's why I just want to be strong, strong enough so that no words can knock me down. It's a long shot, but I'm still trying. So, anyway, it still sticks.

Next, a better person. I stumbled upon this somehow, and I'd probably use this as a guideline, haha. 

- Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day —- and while you walk, smile.

- Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

- Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

- Don’t over do; keep your limits.

- Don’t take yourself so seriously; no one else does.

- Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.

- Dream more while you are awake.

- Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

- Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

- Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.

- Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

- No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

- Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

- Smile and laugh more.

- You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

I know it's a long list, hahahahaha. The original list is longer. But hey, you start somewhere. Anyway, I can somehow relate to this list because I do the opposite of what is stated. Maybe I can change some of that, hopefully. Because I do know how much of a negative person I am. And serious. Unfortunately, due to the year I'm going to face, what with a new class of children to handle alone and the workload that comes with it, I believe this list may be quite hard to achieve. Even I myself am aware of that. Sigh. But what to do? Suck it up and live with it. All I hope for is that I don't lose who I am in the process. Ahmad and my sis told me I've changed. Not evil change but, somehow, there's just this change in me that was hardly noticeable but it's there, surfacing once in a while. Which is why I need to find out what this is and become the person I was before. I've heard so many stories of what this field can turn you into. I'm scared too, honestly. Who wants to lose themselves?

Hmm, I guess this sums up my resolution for 2013. I'll be ending my course in December. My bond starts after that. I can't wait for that. I want so badly to start my Degree already. Because only then will I be allowed to settle down. Mum's orders. But who knows? She might change her mind. Which girl doesn't wanna get married right? I sure do. Don't get me started on the things I always say whenever I go to weddings. But maybe I'll talk about this another time. :)

This post is too long already. All I meant to talk about were my resolutions. It's not like I have much readers anyway so all of the above were redundant. On the other hand, this blog is just a place for my thoughts and feelings.

So... to everyone who matters to me, thank you for 2012. Thank you for the lovely experiences, bitter and sweet memories. It's been an amazing year and I'm proud and honoured and happy to have been by your sides in whatever we have done and gone through together.

Happy 2013! May it bring you success, happiness and everything good, Amin.

Love, Fazzz.