Well, how should I describe 1st Syawal? Emotional. & not only that, it was like deja vu. Exactly like last 1st Syawal. Someone was on her deathbed. The day went well at first, I swear. I was just about to begin having fun. Until we saw Little Miss Pink in Tok Bak's house entering the bedroom when we arrived. When I saw her pretty little not-a-hair-out-of-place head entering my granddad's bedroom, I knew immediately that nothing had changed and that I was right. She forgot about all the good things we've done for her in the midst of pursuing her happiness. Which probably isn't anymore seeing how her ang moh husband wasn't around with her. But I can't just anyhow assume so I shall not say anything about that part. But even though I hated her for being such a coward to run away the minute we arrived, deep inside, I wanted to go in that room to say, "Hi, Mama, I missed you." I really wanted to do that. So when Ayah Long and Uncle Yoyo's family were done with eating, we set off for the hospital where my great-grandma was in critical condition. My sis and me were actually near the kitchen, contemplating whether or not we should enter the room and say hi. Unfortunately, I think it's the power of "Mothers Know Best" that made my mother yell for our names and we had to get out of the house. But our brilliant maid came up with the idea for us to go back inside with an excuse that we need to use the toilet. So well, it worked, but just not the way we wanted. Little Miss Pink was in the living room talking to grandpa's wife and her back was towards us. So we waited a while for her to finish but she never did, as though it was on purpose. Then she walked away, without even acknowledging us. As though we were invisible.

I cried in the car. I pretended to sleep but the tears were sliding down my face. I was asking myself if we, the nieces, actually deserved this. The feud is between the adults, but why are the children affected too? What did we do wrong to deserve this? Every house we went, she was there, but she never approached us, never looked at us. She talked to the other aunts and uncles, but not my parents.

We went to St.Luke Hospital for a while. & it was there that I remembered Angah so vividly. It was exactly the same like last year on 1st Syawal. The adults were crowded around the bed, and me and sis and maid were sitting to one side, just watching. Then after a short discussion with them, I decided to go greet moyang. So I went. I wish I could say I regret going to see her because the image has been stuck in my mind ever since then, but I can't. Her hands were cold, her mouth and tongue were so dry, and she took breath by breath so difficultly. I held her thumb cause her fingers were bandaged for some reason. I watched her take breath after breath and I was reminded of Angah. She was fine hours before she passed away. & then suddenly, she did. I guess for nenek moyang, she had always been healthy cause she had the saka in her. But her health deteriorated ever since they took out the saka. Ohwells.

After the house after the hospital, Ucu called. He greeted, "Hello? Boleh saye cakap dengan Cik Fazlun?" Just that line made me smile so huge. I was so happy to hear from him again. To make a long story short, we picked his family up on the way to Ayah Long's house. & there, for the first time, 4 families were reunited after a decade of being apart. Although it wasn't the complete picture that I always hoped for, at least it was something. Having him back meant the whole world to me.

I wanted more pictures with them, but they promised to come by our place.

This guy is annoying, but he is what lights up the gathering.

I watched Little Miss Pink acknowledge our other cousins, saying stuff like "Wah you've grown up already!" and whatever shit, and me and sis were at the corner, just watching and feeling hurt. Is that alright at all? No, it's not. It hurts. I wish I had the guts to pour out everything I feel straight to her face, but I don't have the heart to. Maybe my sis is right. She's still family, no matter what she's done. I'll just have to stand by what my maid told us: "Orang yang dekat dengan Allah adalah orang yang selalu make the first move." We tried to approach her, but she avoided us. So I guess that speaks for itself, huh?

I cried myself to sleep last night, right after AzroyBoy and family left and my sis was already asleep. I never knew that even family could turn into strangers.

There is a reason for everything that happens, I guess. :) I hope everyone's having a blast. I hope I soon will too, as long as I get over this. GNK next week taking the lorry around. I'm looking forward to that. :D