Under extreme stress right now.

Wish I was there instead.

You don't get this kind of scenery in SG.

Beside You

Salam all!

Hope you've been well (if I still have readers)....

The year is almost coming to an end.

How fast time flies.

Our wedding will be at the end of the year.

But don't know which year yet.

HAHAHAHA.

Lame joke, I know. :3

Just wanna take a moment to appreciate this guy.

Distance sucks, and we're still in the same country.

Busy people, busy schedules.

But we make do with whatever time we have and that's what I love about us.

Words are not enough to express how much he means to me.

There is no way I can even begin to tell you how important this guy is to me.

And as we move on to a new year, with even more busy schedules (because adulthood sucks like that), I hope we'll make it through it all.

It's been what? 6 years 4 months since it all started.

 And that's honestly a very long time.

(I'm still secretly wondering when he'll get tired of me.)

But even though it's been 6 years plus, he still makes my heart pound harder.

Still gives me butterflies in my stomach.

After such a long time, I still feel the same way, maybe even more now, for him.

It always amazes me.

*heart eyes*

I'll come back again to post about my Phuket trip. 

Maybe on a night where I don't have work the next day.

Cause all my weeknights are dedicated to:

- cutting

- laminating

- designing/planning things to print

I know.

Pretty much consumed by my job.

But, I still feel some satisfaction at the end of the day.

(The boyfriend painted my classroom for me today btw thanks baby :3)

I cannot believe next week is the last week of the holidays.

How did time pass by so freaking fast?!

I'm not sure I'm ready for the new school year yet.

Apparently still have the same afternoon student who gave me loads of hell this year. :(

Until here.

I'll post about Phuket soon, InsyaAllah.

When we both fall asleep underneath the same sky

To the beat of our hearts at the same time

So close but so far away

When we both wake up underneath the same sun

Time stops, I wish that I could rewind

So close but so far away

Fix You

& just like that, he returned to Allah.

It's surreal how that same morning I was taking care of him and he left us in the late afternoon.

How strong my parents have been throughout this whole month.

Sacrificing so much for him.

How my mother pulled herself together after breaking down when he drew his last breath.

How my dad supported her throughout.

You learn a lot about your family (and extended family) when a loved one gets critically ill.

My parents and sisters, we've done our part, the best we could.

No matter how helpless I used to feel, I hope my part was enough to show that I cared about him.

It was a 2 month battle since the onset.

I miss him already and it's only been 2 days.

How I healed from Angah's demise, I'm not sure.

But whatever I did, I hope I can do the same because it's all I can do not to cry overtime I think about him.

Until here.
I know it'll get better.
We grieve, and we move on because we have to.
The only way is forward.
:)

When you try your best but you don't succeed 

When you get what you want but not what you need 

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 

Stuck in reverse 

When the tears come streaming down your face 

When you lose something you can't replace 

When you love someone but it goes to waste 

Could it be worse?

Salam!

I know it's been a while since the last proper post. Let's steer away from the emotional roller coaster that is my life at the moment and talk about the above because everyone needs a breather from stressed times. :)

Watched Wandali with my family + Nafisah & Shahrul last night and it was mind blasting! The energy that continued building throughout the entire show, the combination of the 3 types of Gamelan and the powerful energy from the performers themselves. Yeah, my boyfriend was one of them up there and he still amazes me with his drumming skills. *inserts heart eyes* I've been so attuned to his Javanese drumming and used to watch him from my position at the gongs. It's been so long and I can't even remember the last time I touched the Javanese gongs. Seeing them last night brought back too many memories. :O

Anywaysssss, mandatory ticket shot below!

Favourite part of the show just cause it's Rampak.

I felt so happy watching this!

It's been a while since we had a nice couple shot like this.

& one that he smiles properly for.

I really miss this guy.

 We deserved to watch this show after such a hectic and tiring 2 weeks. Well, not me exactly but my parents and sisters. They were the ones who helped with my grandpa more than I did. By the time I came home from work, they were changing shifts with each other and I only helped out with whatever they needed passing on with or just cleaning the house because they just didn't have time to.

I need to talk to someone about this. All this penned up feelings, this helplessness. They told me it's not my fault but, no matter how hard I try, I just feel like he doesn't want me there because I can't help him enough.

I guess that's it. Till next time, InsyaAllah.

He was supposed to come home to our house today.

He was supposed to be discharged today, to come into our care at home.

I guess Allah has a different plan for our family's cobaan(s).

Once again, we are seeing each other's true colours.

Just like we did during arwah Angah's time with breast cancer.

But that's okay.

This family up there will always and definitely be here for him.

Our prayers for him will never stop.

I've never tried so hard to be strong since Angah's cancer.

But this breaks my heart.

As I stared at his weak body on that bed, his quivering lips and trembling fingers, 

it was all I could do to hold back the tears.

I even had to whisper to myself "Be strong, you can do this." 

because Aunty Yoyo was there.

I only started crying as I walked from the hospital to Simei MRT.

The surgery successfully removed the cancerous part of his colon.

But they also discovered that the cancer had spread to different parts of his lungs.

And there's nothing the doctors can do for him.

After this 24 hours observation in SICU, he'll be undergoing chemotherapy.

The doctor says he has to try chemo.

After watching Angah go through chemo, I'm worried for him because I'm not sure if he can take it because of his age.

I'm praying hard for him.

We all are.

I can't lose hope that he'll be okay.