I just came back from Emily Hill. Pendet still stresses the hell outta me, to the point where I recorded the whole song and listened to it while on the way home. & then I got pissed with the song and stopped, and continued reading the book I'm currently reading. It's called, Some Girls Are. Pretty bitchy storyline. Pretty much fits what I faced in my later secondary school days. But this story is a little too extreme and violent, so I guess what I faced then was a little mild.

I'm not sure if I've forgiven them. Sometimes, I ask myself that. But I don't really know the answer. Sure, I wonder how they're doing and all that, but sometimes I wonder, have they had a taste of their own medicine? Like I've said before, I've always believed that people can do whatever bad things they want to you, but you should leave it to God to punish them. That was what I did back then. I suffered in silence, relished the small, good things, but deep inside, it hurt so much. But nobody knew that because I never said a word. I forced a smile everyday, and I believed that someday, they'll be punished for what they did to me. And then I found this book. This book that matched everything I felt at that point of time, even though the content is different.

Now, having the friends I've had and learning from them and everything, I wish I could turn back the time and stood up for myself. I wish I hadn't cowered in a little corner by myself, just because they thought I was too.... I don't know. Up till now, I never understood why they did that. Why there was a need to even do what they did. I mean, we're all the same. We're humans. We're not perfect. We make mistakes. We do something wrong, and people get angry with us. Yet, sometimes, some things may be beyond our control. I wish they could have understood that. But hey, we were all almost 16 back then.

When I read this book, especially at the sadder parts, it awakened all the feelings that I kept in a corner. The hate, the tears I wasted, the pain. Did I deserve that back then? What did I do then that had made me have to go through that alone? Even though 4 years have passed, the pain is still fresh in me, as though it happened minutes ago. I could remember every detail still, every word, every action, and all that were like stabbing my chest with a sword and slowly pulling it out.

& you. Up until now, I don't know if I've fully forgiven you. I mean, yeah, we meet up sometimes, and do stuff and all that shit, but I really don't know if I'm doing that because I want to or because I should. Sometimes, I chase all these thoughts to the back of my mind because I hate making trouble and causing problems. But then, when I'm alone, and my thoughts fall on you, I wonder again and again why I'm still thinking all these, what you did to me, why you chose them over me, why I was just nothing to you when we had everything. The past is the past, but the past haunts me. Because it's the reason I am the person I am today.

Only people who've known betrayal would understand how I feel. I still cry sometimes when I remember the events that happened back then. I don't know why I do, because it's so long ago. I've pushed those bad memories so far back, but somehow, they find a way to creep back to my mind and I have to relive them.

I've never wished ill on them for what they did. But I hope that, should the same thing happen to them one day, I hope they'll remember me and what they did.

I don't know why I'm saying all these but I just really need to get this off my chest. A lot of things are happening lately and I can't even talk about it here. So when I was walking home earlier and my mind was actually reliving my worst secondary school days, it totally made me snap.

I think I'm just too tired.

I think Suara Bali is going to be a great, awesome performance. Just as long as I remember not to stare at Pak Alit's hands when he's drumming. Because the gongs are directly behind the drums, I can see his hands drumming. I always zone out when I see his forearm muscles, whatever you call them. I don't know why but when he drums, it's just so awesome, I was so awestruck the first time I noticed. & they had a drum interlocking practice session yesterday, it was supermassively awesome. It's like, mind-blasting!! Before this, I've never had a strong thing for drums even though I depended on them for the major gong cues. But after watching Pak Alit play, I think I fell in love with the Balinese drums. :p

Oh my, it's 1.04 am already. Gonna go get some sleep!

P.S Ahmad! Bring back some kebab la! :p