Everyday, I have always prayed that none of my family members, near or far, would ever have to go through any type of agony. I pray for their health, for their safety, for their well-being, I just want the best of life for them.This morning was the final blow. My aunt, who is deaf and mute, was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year plus ago. After going through chemotherapy and the works, it seemed like the cancer was under control. But after my family got back from our Indonesia trip, the doctors told my mother that my aunt's cancer had spread to her bone, which is why she is feeling pain in her backbone right now. She has to go through radiotherapy now. But this morning, I was preparing for school when my aunt walked slowly out from the balcony towards the kitchen toilet. Immediately, I went to her side to help her walk there. But it was so slow, and her face was in pure agony, and she held my arm so tightly for support while her other hand supported her back. And as we walked towards the toilet, the tears started spilling from my eyes. The house was dim, I only turned the door light on so she couldn't see my tears. & all the way to Paris MRT, I wept silently.

Then today, when I returned home from school, my maid told me of my aunt's behaviour at the hospital while there for her radiotherapy session. My aunt cursed and swore at my mother, because she just couldn't take her back pain. She told my mother to let the doctors inject her and make her die. & my mum, well, argued back. The doctors and nurses tried to calm my mum down, saying that this is normal behaviour for cancer patients. After my maid told me all this, I went out and saw my aunt in her wheelchair, and my mum wearing for my aunt her telekung solat. I went back in the room and cried.

I know what it feels like, I seriously do. And although my pain and hers can never be compared, I know what it's like to be driven to a point when you just feel like dying. All you can think about is death, because only then would the pain end. But it is your loved ones that you end up thinking about. The ones who care for you. I pity my mum for having to go through this a second time. First, was my grandmother, who had breast cancer too. Now, is my aunt.

And about two hours ago, I went to see Hababa again. Remember in February, I went to see her. She came here to Singapore again from Sukabumi. So when my family and me, and Cik Azizah, sat down with Hababa, the first thing she said when she looked at me was, "Ni suka sedih-sedih. Nggak bagus." & everyone smiled, because they know me that well. She said I should not bottle up my feelings because it's not good for my jantung. It's what's causing the sicknesses in me. She knows how sick I am. & this was what she said, "Jangan selalu sedih. Kerna semuanya milik Allah. Semuanya di tangan Allah." The last thing she said to my mum about me: "Sungguh baik ini anak ibu." I'm not sure what that means. Whether I'm a good child or it's good that I'm my mum's child. My malay sucks.

The thing is, I am the type who'd bottle my feelings up. You need to know how to get them out from me, only then will I spill it out. Otherwise, I'll just shut up. I'm not the kind who want to burden others with the many problems I have. A listening ear is good, a shoulder to lean on is fine, but no, I prefer keeping things to myself and crying alone. I just can't express my feelings into words. No words can describe the feelings I have for what I'm facing. My maid is telling me not to bottle up my feelings because it'll just damage me. But then, how do you actually accept everything that happens to you? I cried again in the car when my mum was telling my dad, "Kak Zizah pon pernah tanye. Mas, macam mane you terima bile Fazlun macam gini, kene pergi hospital semue. I bilang die, itu pasal I redha. I tau ini ujian I dari Allah. Jadi I terima. I berusaha untuk Fazlun, ape I boleh buat untuk dia, I buat. Yang lain, I serahkan pade Allah." That part hurts. It hurts so bad, it touched me deeply.

I have such good people as my parents. & I'm seriously thankful for that. & I'll always sedih-sedih. No point telling me not to. It's just a natural thing, an emotion I just can't control.

I'll still pray that none of the people I love will ever go through any type of sicknesses. Being the relative of a cancer patient hurts, especially when you're watching that person wither away as the days pass. But I must have faith, right? Because everything is up to Allah to decide. But I'll never stop praying for the best for the people I love. :)

I'm falling, but no one is there to catch me