Don't Let Me Go

Salam and hello to everybody.

Today, I'm feeling very sad somehow. A conversation with a very close friend of mine a few days back finally hit me in the face now that I'm reflecting. In the past few months, I have reviewed my 5-year plan over and over again. But somehow, I can't find a way to ensure that in this plan, I would also still have a life. You see, after I end my DECCE-T course this December, there would be a 3 month break before the release of results where I would eventually graduate. & at the same time, I would have started my 2-year bond in January 2014, I think. This is all according to my quite inaccurate calculations and hopefully, I'm correct. Now here comes the really important part. I plan (and really hope I can) to take my degree in the same field at UniSim, whose intake is usually in July. So, come next year, if I get accepted into the course, I would be juggling work and school all over again. But the best part is it's a part-time degree, so school will just be 2 or 3 times a week. & it's for about 3-4 years. When I read up at their website, they said the average student took 4.5 years for a basic degree. :O, i know. :(

So here's what scares me. I'm afraid of not having a life then. Not being able to meet friends as frequently as we used to, not being able to spend more time with family, because I'll be so focused on work and study. & with all the policies and "improvements" the government is planning for the early education sector, who knows what will happen in the future? I only realized the amount of workload a teacher has just 3 months back. Lesson plans, classroom layout, printing worksheets, proposals etc, you name it, we got it. & to top it off, when the children are in, it's a whole different story. You've got all kinds of kids, "perangai" is what I'd call it. Kids aside, there's the parents. If you're lucky, you'll have nice, understanding parents. My only bad encounter with a parent was the first week of school when her son got smacked by Grace three times in a row and the parent was quite upset until she requested a change of class. I know this wouldn't be the last time but, I know I gotta suck it up. But that's not the point! The point is, I only realized now that the government didn't justify our workload with our salary. The teachers often complain that the government isn't paying them enough. High workload; not-even-close-to-moderate salary. I used to say, the salary doesn't interest me. But then Rachelle knocked my head hard the other day. She listed down the amount of things we teachers have to do and we get like, what? Barely $2000 a month. In the private sector, they earn at least 2.5k to 3k. & we're also a private kindergarten! PCF is NOT a government school/kindergarten/childcare. There is NO government KN/CC in Singapore. Get that straight.

I sidetracked, sorry. So, yeah. Once I start my bond, I know that I will definitely be handling 2 classes, morning and afternoon respectively. That is also if my centre does not convert to kindercare, but I'd cover that another time. So, with 2 classes, you end at 5, gebakgedebuk, by the time you reach home it'd be 6 plus. Ever since I started working, I made it a rule to never bring work home. I haven't so far, and hopefully it'd stay that way. By the time you reach home, you'd be so tired, dinner and everything else. Probably the only time for socializing would be on Fridays and the weekends, and the school holidays. Doesn't that suck? People say it becomes a routine after that, you'd get used to it eventually.

But really, an 8 to 5 job daily takes away more time from your life than you think. & if I pursue the degree, that's a lot of years taken from my life. & the next question would be, when will I settle down?

I sure as hell don't wanna study for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself this is for my future, for my family's future, for my future kids, for their future. I've been sticking to what my facilitator at RP once told me: One year for the next 50 years. But in this case, it'll probably be 4 years for the next 50 years. 4 years from now, I'll be 26.

ZOOOOOOOMMMMGGGGGG!

Or even, 27.

Well, I have another alternative, apart from the degree at UniSim. The reason why I wanted the UniSim degree is because it's sort of like, 2 in 1. There is a leadership component in the degree that would enable me to take on a principal role if I ever want to. & all of that would be at least 4.5 years. OF MY LIFE. Sigh.

Anyway, the other option would be to take the degree offered by AIC, and it's only 20 months. Only eh? Hahahaha. But that's without the leadership component and I'm kinda stressed about that part. I think I'd probably ask Rachelle tomorrow cause she doesn't have a Diploma in ECCE Leadership but she has a degree. If I were to take the DECCE-L, the course is 2 years, and if I continue on to the degree, it would just be 1 year for me instead of the original 20 months. So in total, it'd be 3 years. Now tell me, somebody, which is better?! I'm so stressed. :(:(:(

And on top of it, I'm so scared of not even having time for myself.

Mudd's POP is this Wednesday, and I can't even go. I can't stop beating myself up for it. Everytime he brings it up, I get reminded of the fact that I can't even be there on one of his most important days. :'(

Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully, it'd be a better week. InsyaAllah.

Don't let me go when I'm this low

Why can't we talk about it

Why can't we figure it out 

I wanna know as people grow 

How do they sort it all out 

Work out what love is about 

So tell me now yeah I've gotta know 

When this feeling I've got won't let go