Learn To Love Again

I miss you.

Caution: Emotional post ahead. You have been warned.

It's going to be 4 years in less than a month's time. How time flies. Time really flew. Again and again, whenever I reflect about our relationship and the trials that followed, I realised how much I've changed over the years. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, religiously. He's one of the men in my life who really inspired me. I can't be more thankful and blessed to have him, really.

And during our relationship, all the trials that we had to face, prepared me for adulthood. He seasoned me to cope with his busy schedules. He made the effort to make time for me whenever his schedule permitted it. And now that we're both so very busy, I realised that maybe all that time we could have had but never did, prepared us for this moment. We're coping better than I expected. Or at least, I am. No matter how much I missed him, as long as he texts me, as long as I know he's safe out there, I'm happy enough.

This is actually not so bad. The worse was probably in 2011. We had to experience 2 months of being apart from each other when he had to go to Sydney. Till now, I'm quite amazed that we got through that; me being left behind and him having to cross oceans. Even during this separation, I faced some trials, on top of not having him around physically. My cousin, Aisyah, got taken away from us forcefully and my maid was sent to MOM because my mum was accused of using her to make the kuih business. Ahmad was there for me through it all, from oceans away. :')

I could use the strength I had back then, right now. I've been working for a year already, I've had my share of disappointments and betrayals during this one year, I've succeeded through it all, coming out stronger than before, knowing without a doubt that Allah has always been there for me and has put pillars of support by my side to get me through everything. My family, my friends, Ahmad.

I couldn't be more blessed right now but, I still wish it'll all slow down. I know I wanted to graduate as soon as possible for that salary raise, so that I can help my family better but, I just want it all to slow down because I can't even catch my breath sometimes. Everything's a whizz past me. All of a sudden, assignments are back in full force, conflicts and problems arising at work that affect me because I'm in the middle of it all. I just want it all to slow down. I want to deal with it all one at a time.

On top of it all, I have my stupid insecurities to deal with. Always, always, always. I can't stop. I don't know why. I can't help it. I realise I'm always troubling others. But I can't make this others understand, I never can. What it's like to be me. They can never imagine themselves in my shoes. The tears I cry in secret, the pain I feel, the feelings coursing through me every single day. I wake up each morning, thankful to be able to breathe, and I always pray for the day to be smooth from the moment I step out of the house to the moment I step back in. Why? Because I am me. I can never have the guts to tell people what the problem with me is. I'm too afraid to have history repeat itself. I'm not strong enough, I never can be. I'm weak. I'm terrified. It's stupid. Because instead of letting everyone know so that they can at least try to understand me better (according to what someone said), I chose to keep it to myself and let them hurt me without realising what they're doing. But then I realised, what's the point? People forget. Before long, they'll still hurt me no matter what I tell them. And the problem is, it's not even their fault. It's not their fault I'm like this. It's not their fault I was born this way, right?

Everytime I'm on the brink of pouring out everything to someone, I hesitate. I always do. The problem with this world is you don't know who can be trusted and who can't. So I end up keeping everything to myself, relying on diaries and my blogs to pour everything out to instead. Is that bad?

My lecturer said internalising your feelings can cause your stress levels to increase. But I'm not internalising all my feelings. It's just this issue that I choose to keep to myself because no one will be able to understand what it's like to just be me. Not even my own mother. You have no idea what it's like. She gives up on me sometimes. In the middle of a conversation, she'll just give up talking to me. Any idea how much that hurts? You'd think a mother would be able to understand what her child is going through. I envy my children sometimes. When I talk to their mothers, the way they are able to describe and interpret their children's behaviour, verbal and non-verbal, and explain to me so that I can understand their children better, that's when I envy their children. What understanding mothers they have. Mothers who can immediately tell when there's something wrong with their children's behaviour or feelings.

Maybe it has to do with age. My mum's getting older, her patience level decreases as she ages. Still, it's no excuse to hurt your daughter's feelings. She didn't ask for any of this.

I've said too much. And this is only the filtered part.

All those ulama' that I meet always tell me that I'm always sad, I always cry. But no one even bothers to ask why. Why do I cry? What's wrong? Why am I always sad?

In my prayers and conversations to Allah, all I always ask for is strength and patience. I know there's a reason why He gave me all these trials.

I guess this is all. Enough tears for tonight. I have class and work in the morning. Salam, and goodnight all. :)

That you and I could learn to love again

After all this time

Maybe that is how I knew you were the one

That you could still believe in me again

After all our trials

Maybe that is how I knew you were the one