All She Knows

GNK = HEARTS

The show was a huge success. I wasn't nervous at all, I have no idea why because usually, I'll be nervous for every performance we have, be it small scale or otherwise. Somehow, I just didn't feel anything. Ohwell. I did mess up some parts, and my arms were so very tired after Rampak Kendhang. But it was an awesome production, and the closing song was beyond awesome. The audience response almost brought the roof down! Yes, it was that awesome.

The sad part was that, Angah never got the chance to watch me play gamelan. Before she went, I actually thought that since my family will be videocamming the performance, we'll be able to bring home the recordings and let her watch from the TV. Sadly, this intention couldn't happen. & when I first stepped out on stage, I whispered in my heart, "This is for you, Angah." Somehow, just these words gave me strength to keep going. I really wish she could have watched. But maybe, who knows, she's watching from somewhere else.

The tears can't stop falling when I think of her.

We had the tahlil for her just now, even though my parents flew off for Jakarta. Habib Saggaf passed away this morning. It is a great loss to everyone who knows him. My mum cried like crazy. It was hard on her, of course. First, her sister. Then, her teacher. I only saw her for like 15 minutes just now before she went off with my dad. We didn't even get to salam each other 'cause me and my sis had to distract Farah. Sigh.

Today, if she had been alive, she would have turned 47 years old. The coincidence is that she died the same age that my grandmother died too. Both at 47 years of age, and for the same reason: breast cancer. Haikal made me cry so bad today. Not because he did something bad or hurt my feelings, but he unexpectedly did something that moved me to tears. I opened my Facebook and there was a message from him. I opened it and this was what he said:

Fazlun, Im sorry to hear about your aunt's passing. I didnt say it earlier cos i didn't want you to get upset when we're in studio. Dont be sad cos I already sedekahkan Al-Fatehah for your dearest aunt and im sure she's in a great place in the other world. Smile okay...

Okay, crying again now. Aku touched to the max. I tried not to talk about it to my friends because I know how it's like when someone is mourning and you don't really know what to say to make them feel better. But I've received countless of messages from friends trying to comfort me, and I've gathered strength from it, knowing that they'll always be there when I need them.

The truth is, I miss everything about her. I have never stepped in her room for longer than 5 minutes. There's too many reminders. The bed is gone already, though. Still, it doesn't make it any less painful.

Everytime I look at Aisyah, I feel so sad for her. No one can understand how she feels, to lose her mother at such a young age. Lately, she's been less cheerful, and the reason is obvious. Poor girl. But she hasn't cried once. All she told my maid was, "Later when my father die already, can you teach me how to pray?" It's so heartbreaking how she thinks everyone is going to leave her. She thinks she's alone. Seriously, the poor girl.

My mum left me in charge of the house and the women. If Farah's fever is really gone tomorrow, we'll be bringing her horse-riding like she wanted, and then we'll get her a pair of goldfish who have already acquired names: Upin and Ipin. -.- Belom dapat goldfish, dah ade name.

I think this is enough of an update.

Reminder to self: Moving on makes you stronger.

She knows better but she can't help it

Wanna tell her but would that be selfish

How do you heal a heart that can't feel

It's broken

Bye Bye

It was around 12 last night when I laid down to sleep that I read Selawat Taj for her 3 times. An hour later, my sis woke me up, "Angah pass away." I told her, "Are you kidding?" And she shouted at me, "Why would I joke about this?" So I got up and went out of the room. Nek Andak called and confirmed the news. We cleaned up the house, covered the mirrors and tv etc. Then I sat at Angah's room and stared at her bed. That was when the tears started coming and didn't stop. At about 2am, we all decided to sleep 'cause my parents haven't arrived with the body yet. Then at 4am, my maid woke me up, saying that everyone's already outside with her body. I changed and put on my tudung, and went out just in time to see them carrying her body into her room. She was covered with this tough plastic thing, and some kain batik. All I could do was stare and watch. Then they removed the kain, and I saw her face. She looked peaceful, and for once, even more beautiful. There was this heart-wrenching ache when I saw how pale her face was. I couldn't stop pinching myself, silently hoping that this was all just a bad dream. That was when the tears came again.

People I've never met before arrived one by one. At about 10, they decided to bathe her in the kitchen. With that huge metal table. The women were just cutting up her baju from under the kain batik when I had this super massive headache. Ibu Long warned me before that if I couldn't take it, or if I get dizzy, I have to get out of there. So I did. I hid in my mum's room and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, I found Nafisah and Fatimah by my side. We waited together. At about 11 plus, they finished with the bath and placed her in the hall. Everyone surrounded her, one by one going forward to kiss her. I was one of the last ones to kiss her. Mum warned me not to let my tears touch her face. I was in control, I swear I was. I wasn't even crying when I was kneeling in front of her. But when my lips touched her cold forehead, I totally lost it. I wanted to hug her but they pulled me away. & the hypocrite wanted to pull me to her for a hug but I yelled at her to go away.

I insisted on following to the kubur even though I knew that I wouldn't be able to watch them lower her into the ground. I could only stand on the pavement and watch from a distance. Farah kept asking me questions that made me cry. "Where Aisyah mama?" I told her she's going home. "Why Aisyah mama tak go Arah home?" Aisyah mama going home to Allah. "After that go Arah home?" No, she's not going Arah home. Little sweet child didn't understand.

I couldn't stop crying the whole day. In the car, in the room. I made small attempts to talk to the guests, and joke around, and play with the kids, so that I wouldn't think about her and continue crying. I listened to Liyana and stayed away from school. & I'm glad I did. Syai texted too, and I somewhat felt a little better. Yeah, she joined your nenek, Syai. Maybe they'll make friends up there. I hope your nenek understands sign language. :)

Crying won't bring her back and I know that. But whenever I look around my house and remember how she was once a part of it, I can't stop the tears. I have mixed feelings. I'm glad she's gone and she's out of her misery. But I want her alive too, because we all fought her cancer together. Fighting over shifts to look after her, giving her meds especially morphine, pushing her in her wheelchair to the toilet, putting on her diapers, sending her for checkups, telling her to be patient. The little things that we did for her because we love her.

I guess I should be glad I played a part in this battle. At least I know I did something to help her, no matter how small. That makes me feel better when I think about it. It's just that, we had so little time with her. 5 months since she moved in my house. She was so strong and brave. All she was afraid of was dying alone.

I know the tears won't stop. I'll cry once in a while when she crosses my mind, or when I see something that reminds me of her. But I know that I'll have to let her go eventually. I remember how yesterday afternoon, when I leaned over her bed and she had the oxygen mask over her face, I was crying and she told me not to, but there were tears in her eyes. I know she wouldn't want me to cry. & I promise I'll try. But just for today, let me cry as much as I want.

Angah, you fought a tough battle against cancer for 3 years. I hope you're happy wherever you are, now that you're not suffering. We'll take good care of Aisyah. Bye. & this is for you.

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"

Miss you but I try not to cry

As time goes by

And it's true that you've reached a better place

Still I'd give the world to see your face

And I'm right here next to you

But it's like you're gone too soon

Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Angah, hang in there till I arrive.

Hello everyone. Sorry for the lack of updates this week. I've been very busy with the first Reflections performance I have which is, Symphonie de Republic (or something like that). So far, things are pretty smooth. We just had the bump-in today at the theater. First time perform in the theater. Feel so honoured. It's not the whole of GNK performing by the way. It's just Isaac, Kak Ros, Mirah, Ahmad, Lisa and myself. I messed up the kenong parts for Arts Crossing last night during the practice. Haha. But I managed to get the beat right today. Hopefully, I will too, tomorrow.

OMGGGGGG, the show is freaking tomorrow!

& next week, is When Java Meets Sunda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To tell the truth, I really am tired. But it's because I've practised so hard, and I love this music I'm making, that I keep going. & I realized this week that it's satisfying to vent your anger and frustrations on the gongs. Because you won't hurt anyone, that's guaranteed. The gongs will just screech their disapproval, believe me, it happens. :) That's why, I love my gongs. :D

Okay, this should be enough for an update. I have to be in school at 4pm tomorrow to prepare for the show, soundchecks and all. Thank god dinner is provided. I'm broke. Nighty-nights all! :D

P.S Something exciting happened in the afternoon today. Wait for it on WJMS day. Heh.

This is incredible!

I'll just keep testing.

& see how far more my patience can go.

Because when it's over, it'll be your fault.

- Anon

In a relationship, it is better to be angry and disappointed, than not knowing anything at all. - Liyana

I never forget credits. :D

Credits to Ahmad Mustaqim Bin Muhammad Abdul Halim

for patiently waiting to take a picture of us with this duo.

Belanja-ed him a BK meal as a thank you. Haha.

Credits to Norshahidah Abas for this lovely couple picture.

Which I absolutely love right now. :D

& special appearance by my first nephew.

Muhammad Lutfihadi. :D:D

Now, meet his new baby brother, Muhammad Lutfihakim. :D

Aku dah tua la seh!

Jap lagi, kene bagi duit raye kat dorang.

Saw this picture of the three of them.

Alalalalaa~~~

Gosh, it's like, every year, I only see them once. By then also, I will marvel at how big they've grown. The sister is already in Primary 4 now. I've been an aunt for like, 10 years already! Sheesh. How time flies. & Hadi will be starting Primary 1 next year.

Ohwells. What will be, will be. Soon, I'll be graduating, maybe university, then following Mum's plan to migrate to down under. Haha. Insyallah. :)

Off for Sunda training!

World Music Days 2010

My two favourite items currently. Heh.

So we were both involved in GA's performance at Skate Park today. It was kind of great. Somehow, it seemed okay to make mistakes, haha. The lunch before the show was damn funny. Didn't know there is another side of Amran we didn't know about. Haha, but it's good la. Anyway, the hightlights of today would be:

1) Ahmad getting a jewelry shop's flyer. LOL banyak-banyak, after what happened yesterday. HAHA.

2) Getting a picture taken with Sleeq. Somehow, my crazy fangirl behaviour wore off over the years so I wasn't screaming like a crazy fangirl but well. At least, I kept my promise. To only take a picture with Sleeq because they happened to be there. I told myself long ago that I would only take a picture with Sleeq if we were fated to "bump" into each other. I'm not gonna be like other fans who chase after them. HAHAHAHA. Still waiting for Miss Liyana to upload the picture to FB.

3) Meeting Shak & gang again after what seems like ages. Couldn't stop laughing my ass off, especially during dinner at KFC. :D:D

So that sums up my day today. I had so much fun, even though I was very tired, and almost slept during the Sunda Gamelan performance at Esplanade. Well, considering how I only had like, 5 hours of sleep. That's why I'm going off soon. Haha.

Sis felt like going out tomorrow. I wanna go out too. My hands really itch on spending that 40 bucks that's collecting dust in my wallet right now. Saw a dress at 313 Forever21 that's pretty. & the price shocked me because it was reasonable. I want sia! Shall drag Far there tomorrow if she really wants to go out.

Somehow, I find myself in love with F21 ever since I started wearing tudung. Is that a good or bad thing? I asked Ahmad if I was being materialistic (cause I wasn't that much before wearing tudung) but he doesn't seems to know. Hmm.

Okay. I'm off to bed. Goodnight, all. Enjoy your Sunday before Monday comes. :( Take care, and may you always be in the best of health. :)

Busy week ahead. Gaaahhhh~