All She Knows

GNK = HEARTS

The show was a huge success. I wasn't nervous at all, I have no idea why because usually, I'll be nervous for every performance we have, be it small scale or otherwise. Somehow, I just didn't feel anything. Ohwell. I did mess up some parts, and my arms were so very tired after Rampak Kendhang. But it was an awesome production, and the closing song was beyond awesome. The audience response almost brought the roof down! Yes, it was that awesome.

The sad part was that, Angah never got the chance to watch me play gamelan. Before she went, I actually thought that since my family will be videocamming the performance, we'll be able to bring home the recordings and let her watch from the TV. Sadly, this intention couldn't happen. & when I first stepped out on stage, I whispered in my heart, "This is for you, Angah." Somehow, just these words gave me strength to keep going. I really wish she could have watched. But maybe, who knows, she's watching from somewhere else.

The tears can't stop falling when I think of her.

We had the tahlil for her just now, even though my parents flew off for Jakarta. Habib Saggaf passed away this morning. It is a great loss to everyone who knows him. My mum cried like crazy. It was hard on her, of course. First, her sister. Then, her teacher. I only saw her for like 15 minutes just now before she went off with my dad. We didn't even get to salam each other 'cause me and my sis had to distract Farah. Sigh.

Today, if she had been alive, she would have turned 47 years old. The coincidence is that she died the same age that my grandmother died too. Both at 47 years of age, and for the same reason: breast cancer. Haikal made me cry so bad today. Not because he did something bad or hurt my feelings, but he unexpectedly did something that moved me to tears. I opened my Facebook and there was a message from him. I opened it and this was what he said:

Fazlun, Im sorry to hear about your aunt's passing. I didnt say it earlier cos i didn't want you to get upset when we're in studio. Dont be sad cos I already sedekahkan Al-Fatehah for your dearest aunt and im sure she's in a great place in the other world. Smile okay...

Okay, crying again now. Aku touched to the max. I tried not to talk about it to my friends because I know how it's like when someone is mourning and you don't really know what to say to make them feel better. But I've received countless of messages from friends trying to comfort me, and I've gathered strength from it, knowing that they'll always be there when I need them.

The truth is, I miss everything about her. I have never stepped in her room for longer than 5 minutes. There's too many reminders. The bed is gone already, though. Still, it doesn't make it any less painful.

Everytime I look at Aisyah, I feel so sad for her. No one can understand how she feels, to lose her mother at such a young age. Lately, she's been less cheerful, and the reason is obvious. Poor girl. But she hasn't cried once. All she told my maid was, "Later when my father die already, can you teach me how to pray?" It's so heartbreaking how she thinks everyone is going to leave her. She thinks she's alone. Seriously, the poor girl.

My mum left me in charge of the house and the women. If Farah's fever is really gone tomorrow, we'll be bringing her horse-riding like she wanted, and then we'll get her a pair of goldfish who have already acquired names: Upin and Ipin. -.- Belom dapat goldfish, dah ade name.

I think this is enough of an update.

Reminder to self: Moving on makes you stronger.

She knows better but she can't help it

Wanna tell her but would that be selfish

How do you heal a heart that can't feel

It's broken