Bye Bye

It was around 12 last night when I laid down to sleep that I read Selawat Taj for her 3 times. An hour later, my sis woke me up, "Angah pass away." I told her, "Are you kidding?" And she shouted at me, "Why would I joke about this?" So I got up and went out of the room. Nek Andak called and confirmed the news. We cleaned up the house, covered the mirrors and tv etc. Then I sat at Angah's room and stared at her bed. That was when the tears started coming and didn't stop. At about 2am, we all decided to sleep 'cause my parents haven't arrived with the body yet. Then at 4am, my maid woke me up, saying that everyone's already outside with her body. I changed and put on my tudung, and went out just in time to see them carrying her body into her room. She was covered with this tough plastic thing, and some kain batik. All I could do was stare and watch. Then they removed the kain, and I saw her face. She looked peaceful, and for once, even more beautiful. There was this heart-wrenching ache when I saw how pale her face was. I couldn't stop pinching myself, silently hoping that this was all just a bad dream. That was when the tears came again.

People I've never met before arrived one by one. At about 10, they decided to bathe her in the kitchen. With that huge metal table. The women were just cutting up her baju from under the kain batik when I had this super massive headache. Ibu Long warned me before that if I couldn't take it, or if I get dizzy, I have to get out of there. So I did. I hid in my mum's room and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, I found Nafisah and Fatimah by my side. We waited together. At about 11 plus, they finished with the bath and placed her in the hall. Everyone surrounded her, one by one going forward to kiss her. I was one of the last ones to kiss her. Mum warned me not to let my tears touch her face. I was in control, I swear I was. I wasn't even crying when I was kneeling in front of her. But when my lips touched her cold forehead, I totally lost it. I wanted to hug her but they pulled me away. & the hypocrite wanted to pull me to her for a hug but I yelled at her to go away.

I insisted on following to the kubur even though I knew that I wouldn't be able to watch them lower her into the ground. I could only stand on the pavement and watch from a distance. Farah kept asking me questions that made me cry. "Where Aisyah mama?" I told her she's going home. "Why Aisyah mama tak go Arah home?" Aisyah mama going home to Allah. "After that go Arah home?" No, she's not going Arah home. Little sweet child didn't understand.

I couldn't stop crying the whole day. In the car, in the room. I made small attempts to talk to the guests, and joke around, and play with the kids, so that I wouldn't think about her and continue crying. I listened to Liyana and stayed away from school. & I'm glad I did. Syai texted too, and I somewhat felt a little better. Yeah, she joined your nenek, Syai. Maybe they'll make friends up there. I hope your nenek understands sign language. :)

Crying won't bring her back and I know that. But whenever I look around my house and remember how she was once a part of it, I can't stop the tears. I have mixed feelings. I'm glad she's gone and she's out of her misery. But I want her alive too, because we all fought her cancer together. Fighting over shifts to look after her, giving her meds especially morphine, pushing her in her wheelchair to the toilet, putting on her diapers, sending her for checkups, telling her to be patient. The little things that we did for her because we love her.

I guess I should be glad I played a part in this battle. At least I know I did something to help her, no matter how small. That makes me feel better when I think about it. It's just that, we had so little time with her. 5 months since she moved in my house. She was so strong and brave. All she was afraid of was dying alone.

I know the tears won't stop. I'll cry once in a while when she crosses my mind, or when I see something that reminds me of her. But I know that I'll have to let her go eventually. I remember how yesterday afternoon, when I leaned over her bed and she had the oxygen mask over her face, I was crying and she told me not to, but there were tears in her eyes. I know she wouldn't want me to cry. & I promise I'll try. But just for today, let me cry as much as I want.

Angah, you fought a tough battle against cancer for 3 years. I hope you're happy wherever you are, now that you're not suffering. We'll take good care of Aisyah. Bye. & this is for you.

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"

Miss you but I try not to cry

As time goes by

And it's true that you've reached a better place

Still I'd give the world to see your face

And I'm right here next to you

But it's like you're gone too soon

Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye