My babyboy is going off to Indonesia tomorrow. :'(

But this is just for the weekend.

I don't wanna think about next year. :(

Be safe. :)

I just realized that I have a lot of drafts I didn't publish. It's like, a diary in a blog. My feelings in drafts, but not exactly published. Because I don't want people to know how I truly feel. Sometimes, I kind of get what Syai feels. It's like, if you say what you truly feel, people would definitely get offended, especially if they think it's directed at them. Even if it's not about them, they will terase. &, it would definitely complicate things. But. But. But, if I twist my words, in a way that it would not offend the readers, it is sort of betraying my own words. So what's the point of writing it?

It's hard when you keep feelings to yourself. But, how do you let it all out when you know the person you tell it to would definitely feel offended, or I don't know, angry or something. At some point in my life, I feel anger, I feel sadness, I feel disappointment, I feel betrayal, I feel lost, I feel pain, I feel weak, I feel all the million things I could possibly feel. & yet, I keep them to myself. I see change in the people I love, and I keep what I feel about it to myself. I see people drifting away from me, and I keep the pain to myself. It would seem like I enjoy hurting myself, but hey, I don't have a choice here.

I seriously don't know what I'm talking about.

But today, and yesterday, just got me thinking. The year is coming to an end. First thing I don't want to do is live 2011 the way I lived 2010. I swear, I do NOT want to go through another year of what I've gone through this year. But what am I doing about it? Nothing. Therefore, I have no one to blame but myself.

But, the more I thought about it, the more I want to change the way things are. & I'm figuring out how. I'm still figuring out how.

Goodnight.

Hi, Syai. You sent me a random text message that confused me, and you wouldn't reply to my text messages or my MSN nudges. So I turned to your blog for answers. Your posts made me cry a little and when I saw that one up there, I cried harder. I hope you're proud of us, because you were the director of our love story and without you, 16 months wouldn't have been possible. I'll always pray for you, because you deserve happiness, and someone who would love you as much as you love them. I'm positively sure that one day, you'll find that someone who would appreciate your love. Until then, you know your friends would always be there for you. Always ingat Allah okay?

Here's a little something that I stumbled upon:

When to Fight For the One You Love

In my last relationship, I hardly fought for her. From the beginning, I was told our relationship had an expiration date—she didn’t want long distance relationships. Despite that, I decided to make every day count from June til the end of summer. When the time came, I was willing to let her go without chasing after her. Within weeks, we couldn’t really survive without each other and it became a long distance relationship.

However, that feeling of anxiety didn’t dissipate; it would consume me some nights. Even though I would do sweet things, I never felt secure. We had very different personalities and very different views on alcohol especially. When she broke up with me again and again, I just wouldn’t do something about it. It’s because I thought she deserved better. And what I have to say is this.

You should fight for the one you love, but only if you actually love them. If you just want a significant other, you’re just being selfish. If you love that person, you have to prove it to them. Not all love stories work themselves on their own.

One more, before we move on.

When to Let Go of The One You Love

Remember when I said relationships can be a lost cause? It’s true. Sometimes people stay in unhealthy relationships and the reasons are not logical by any means. Some people just do not know who to live without a significant other, but instead they project this mythic image onto them; losing them, would be losing everything.

Herman Hesse said, ”some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”

Love isn’t always about clutching someone to show that you care about them. Love is not selfish or at least it shouldn’t’ be; love is about letting them be an individual too and if their life is better without you, you have to accept that. You can’t keep someone with you because you “need” them. Love shouldn’t be about being someone’s burden. You should be the opposite actually—you should bring them up.

No one wants to let go of someone they love. No one wants to let go of the feeling of that has awakened their lives, but not everything is about you. A relationship is between two people.

You have to learn to let go.

And like heiress78 said, letting go of that person can bring you to a better place. All those bruises and scars made you a stronger person, moving you closer to a better life that you have to seek for yourself.

This isn't just for Syai. I think there are some of us who still can't let go of a person. Be it a person you were once involved with, or a close friend, or family. I think that moving on and letting go applies for any category you're in. I'm learning to let go too. This weekend, we're gonna be packing her stuff and throwing some out, and next week is the 40 day kenduri. I'm doing good, I guess. Even possessing some of her stuffs doesn't hurt that much anymore. It's just those random moments when I think of her and about the things I couldn't do to show her and make her feel proud that makes me feel sad and I'll cry. But I know someday, I'll look up in the sky and feel her watching over us. I won't feel sad then, but happy that she's somewhere better.

Now, enough of the emoshit. I met up with Maisarah Kamal yesterday. The last time I saw her was in January this year, I think. I've missed her a lot ever since she left RP. But, I was happy to meet her again yesterday. We sat at the Food Junction from 4.30 plus to 6.30, just talking about our friends, Syai, relationships, driving, school, old times, and everything there is. & I doubt that was even enough. After that, went to look for her winter socks since she's off for Germany today until the 22nd of this month. Lucky woman. China earlier this year, then Germany. Haha. We laughed a lot yesterday, and I keep teasing her about the old times. When we'd do stupid stuff together. Haaai, missed those times. & the girl too. She was my love guru then, and still is. She gave me a lot of food for thought after the meetup. :)

I kind of love today. A lot of things made my day. I hope it continues. Even though PHP stressed my brains out. The best part is today, Ahmad and me were oh-so-sweet and romantic to each other. Tak tau lah angin ape. Not complaining though. Heh.

I'm going for the Sec 5NA reunion on the 20th. Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye for now. Take care. & may you all always be in the best of health. :)

Don't be fooled by my smile.

Or my laughter.

Inside, I'm hiding a lifetime of pain.

No, you deserve much better than me

Mine

Remember 16 months ago?

Look at how much we've changed. :)

I still do remember every feeling I felt at that time too. The crush that began during E-learning week. The MSN conversations with the budak melayus, the dag-dig-dug of my heart each time you msn-ed me, the disappointment I felt when Sarah and me found out you were still trying to get over your ex, the secret glances at you, being teased about you by the rest, blushing when Syai started on his teases and when Sarah made fun of me, telling myself to forget about you when the semester's over, the dag-dig-dug of my heart whenever Syai interrogated me about you and you were sitting right there in the same room, the dag-dig-dug of my heart when you first texted me that lame message, how angry I felt at Syai for making you do this, the gooey gushy shy feeling when you texted me again the day after, the embarrassment I felt when you said you were texting me 'cause you wanted to and not because Syai told you to, feeling nervous that Monday about stepping in class to face you 'cause I knew we wouldn't talk to each other, embarrassing myself during the truth game, fighting with Syai over that small truth, you tried to make me feel better the next morning, smiling shyly each time we caught each other's eye, feeling that kinda hunch that you were secretly watching me (uh-huh *nods head vigorously*), feeling so so so shy around you, talking about relationships in the middle of the night, the dag-dig-dug in my heart when you said you wanted to ask me a question, the harder dag-dig-dug when you popped the question, not thinking straight enough to give a proper answer, the happy feeling amidst the dag-dig-dug when you said you were 'high giler siol', the awkward goodnight, the shy shy smile the next morning.

The story has continued for 16 months. And Insyallah, for many more months to go. We've changed a lot ever since the first day we started this love story, and we have gone through terrible ups and downs, but at the end of it, we've come out stronger than before. I believe in us. I hope you do too. I love you, baby. *virtual hugssss* Hahahaha. ;p

Sorry that I forgot at first. But I hope this makes up for it. :p

P.S I'm sorry, my dear friend. But I can't watch you go on like this. I'm still here if you need me kay? :)

Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?

You put your arm around me, for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing that's ever been mine

The Way I Loved You

Long overdued picture. Haha.

Why Farah never smile?!?!?!?!?!?

Natasha gave me a surprise when she texted me this evening. Apparently, she needed help for a cover story for her magazine or something. Her team had to write an article that might be called 'Teenage Warrior'. In her words: 'It's a profile story about you and what you struggled through the years, health wise. Cause it's a health magazine. I thought about you for a while but I was afraid you wouldn't allow me to do it. I wanted to present the idea to my lecturer, so that's why I asked you for permission.'

& guess what? I said I was happy to help! Hahahaha, anything for a dear friend. It might be an interesting experience. She was so happy to the kemuncak. Hahaha. Looking forward to hear from her. Hohoho.

Both my sisters went to watch Rapunzel with Kevin and his sister. & when I look at the neoprints they took, they look like a family! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So funny! Abang Kevin, Abang Kevin! Okay, Faz, irritating.

Because, love, love, love, love, loveeee, love loveee, makes the world go round! :D

Tomorrow is........the 16th month, I think. The conversation between Ahmad and me during lunch was funny though:

A: Eh, besok hari ape?

Me: Huh? Entah?

A: -.- Tengok your phone.

Me: *looks at phone screensaver cause got the date* GASSSPPP!!!! OMG I FORGOT!!!

A: *smiles*

Me: Sorry ah. Tak pernah lupe seh. You je yang slalu lupe. Dulu.

A: Ye la.

Me: Dah brape months ah?

A: *muke stunned* Entah.

Me: *cannot stop laughing* Masih ingat seh your lame message.

A: -.-

Me: *in funny voice* Hi, guys. Ahmad here. I don't think you have my number so here it is. Smiley face. *laughs like crazy*

A: -.- *takes bandung drink* Nahh, minum ni.

Me: Eh, one more! What if I want to take our friendship to another level? *laughs like crazy again*

A: -.- Dah eh. Minum ni. Diam.

Me: *continues teasing him* Why don't you like smoker dudes? I explain already. Then, hmm, maybe I should stop smoking.

A: ..........

Me: One more, one more! I message you because I want to, not because Syai asked me to. *laughs like crazy again*

A: -.-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It's been a fun, enjoyable, memorable, exciting, wonderful, and so much more, 16 months. :D

Breaking down and coming undone

It's a roller coaster kinda rush and I

Never knew I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you

For The Rest Of My Life

Meet Hadi, my nephew No.1! :D

The video they made specially for the guests' eyes.

The song they used was the same title I'm using for this post. :D

Maher Zain = <3

Asraf & Suhailah

We were totally enjoying the whole Arabian style reception. Heh.

Arabian performances. :D

The keyboardist is awesome sia!

The male singer that my sis finds cute.

& he sang one Spanish number too. Heh.

They look perfect together sia. :')

I like this picture siaaaaaa.

Awwwwww. :')

Double awwwww. :')

So cute sia. :D

Managed to grab pictures with my dearest nephew!

Hohohohoho!

HOHOHO <3

I don't feel old anymore when I'm with them.

I told them to call me Kakak. :p

Meet Muhammad Lutfihakim, nephew No.2! :D

My Saturday was so enjoyable. Wardrobe hunting in the afternoon. Then, this Arabian style wedding reception dinner at SIA Sports Club. The wedding was freaking cool laaa. & me and Far couldn't stop talking about what we want for our own weddings. But the worse she said was, "Get married faster can?!!?!?!" I was like, WTF? -.-" If you look at the bride's henna, it's sucha deep red. Maybe it's the henna brand or colour, but from what I know from the Indian family who were once my neighbours, when a woman's henna is a very dark colour, it means her husband loves her deeply. Awwww. :') I don't know if it's true. But I'll stick to what I believe. :) Sigh. I love weddings. :D

I'd wanted to go Bugis today to buy some more tudungs from the shop Nafisah brought me to the other day. But my parents wanted to go wardrobe hunting again. We finally decided on the made to measure wardrobe. It was a good choice, though. We get what we want, how many shelves we want and stuff. Heh. Then later next year, when the other family move out, we'll have that made to measure wardrobe done in my room too. I sooooo canNOT wait.

& today, is the day since ages that I cooked for my family. It's been sooooo long. Hopefully, when I'm free next weekend, I'll grab one of my mum's recipe books and try one recipe. Heheheheh.

& so, begins another week of school. Will be going to school alone tomorrow. :(

& we have 3 weeks to pack our clothes until the new wardrobe arrives. Mum says pack the clothes that we don't really need. Thing is, I need all! -.- Oh well, will work something out somehow.

For the rest of my life

I'll be with you

I'll stay by your side honest and true

Until the end of my time

I'll be loving you, loving you

For the rest of my life

Through days and nights

I'll thank Allah for opening my eyes

Now and forever I

I'll be there for you