I just realized that I have a lot of drafts I didn't publish. It's like, a diary in a blog. My feelings in drafts, but not exactly published. Because I don't want people to know how I truly feel. Sometimes, I kind of get what Syai feels. It's like, if you say what you truly feel, people would definitely get offended, especially if they think it's directed at them. Even if it's not about them, they will terase. &, it would definitely complicate things. But. But. But, if I twist my words, in a way that it would not offend the readers, it is sort of betraying my own words. So what's the point of writing it?

It's hard when you keep feelings to yourself. But, how do you let it all out when you know the person you tell it to would definitely feel offended, or I don't know, angry or something. At some point in my life, I feel anger, I feel sadness, I feel disappointment, I feel betrayal, I feel lost, I feel pain, I feel weak, I feel all the million things I could possibly feel. & yet, I keep them to myself. I see change in the people I love, and I keep what I feel about it to myself. I see people drifting away from me, and I keep the pain to myself. It would seem like I enjoy hurting myself, but hey, I don't have a choice here.

I seriously don't know what I'm talking about.

But today, and yesterday, just got me thinking. The year is coming to an end. First thing I don't want to do is live 2011 the way I lived 2010. I swear, I do NOT want to go through another year of what I've gone through this year. But what am I doing about it? Nothing. Therefore, I have no one to blame but myself.

But, the more I thought about it, the more I want to change the way things are. & I'm figuring out how. I'm still figuring out how.

Goodnight.