So let's do a proper update/rant. I've had a rough week. Well, pretty much like it. Not only am I doing my practicum folder and everything that goes along with it (photos, recommended activities etc), I'm also helping the K1 teacher do her portfolios of the children.

But before I begin, let me rewind back to before this happened. I call her Mrs Sing, out of respect that she's one of the senior teachers in the centre. So anyway, it all started during my practicum. In the afternoons, I am attached to Mrs Sing's K1 class. But in the mornings, I chose to attach myself to Jean's K1 class instead of Mrs Sing's. This Jean teacher is actually only a part-time teacher because the previous teacher for this class had to return to India. Anyway, I chose to help her because this class is actually really, really rowdy. It's not that Jean didn't set any ground rules until the class misbehave, but she strongly believes in the freedom of speech and play, rather than treating the children like soldiers and scolding them for misbehaving. I like that, actually. But some of the children are just really out of hand so... yeah. So anyway, I had a hard time trying to help her control the class in the mornings, though I must say I have a few favourites. They're actually considered the good role models in the class but, being children, the others just don't get it. Anyway, there is this boy called Deron and another called Daryl. They have this kind of like a love-hate relationship. One minute they'll be playing happily and cheekily, the next minute they could be fighting and complaining to teacher about each other. But like a magnet, they're always together.

I'm sidetracking. -.-

On my third day of practicum, I witnessed an infuriating scene that Jean and I both have the same opinion of. There was a road safety talk from a policeman so the whole school had to gather at the gym room for the talk. When the talk ended, the room became chaotic because we were moving the children out of the gym room to go to the classrooms. Then suddenly, one of Mrs Sing's students complained to her that Deron beat her. Here's the infuriating part. Mrs Sing got angry, scolded Deron and then told the girl to beat Deron back. She actually guided the girl's hand to beat Deron. When Jean and me saw that, we looked at each other in silence. Later on, when we were in the classroom alone with the class and they were doing their work, Jean told me she didn't like what Mrs Sing did. I expressed similar views. But this was the first time I had witnessed such a thing. By right, teachers should not even be encouraging "revenge".

I thought this kind of incident wouldn't happen again, but I was so wrong. Mrs Sing always threatened the children, especially the slower children. One week before my practicum ended, she threatened this boy in her afternoon class called Derron. (I know the names are so similar but I'm not making this up I swear.) This Derron boy is kind of... weird. Somehow, whenever he gets scolded, he just smiles. It becomes creepy, ya know? So anyway, she threatened to take away his snack time if he does not speed up his work. So while she was busy threatening him, I shooed the rest of the class out of the class to prepare for snack time. When I returned into the classroom, she was actually pulling both of Derron's ears upwards. And because he's so small-sized, he actually got lifted up a little. Or maybe he just sat up straighter, I dunno. BUT HE SMILED AFTER THAT. GEESH. But that's not the point. She actually pulled his ears! I was shocked, I swear. I couldn't believe I just saw that coming from a teacher with 12 years of experience. I was already thinking, 'Abuse, abuse, abuse.'

Should I report it?

A couple of days later, also in the afternoon class, Benedict apparently scratched Tiffany. Tiffany went to complain to Mrs Sing. She brought her to Ben and asked him, "Why you scratch Tiffany? Tiffany, scratch him back!" They were all at the tables at the back of the room and I was at the whiteboard in front, quite a distance away, but I was watching the whole scene. When Mrs Sing told Tiffany to scratch Ben back, Tiffany did not respond. She just looked at Ben. THEN! Mrs Sing lifted Tiffany's hand, sort of like in a scratching gesture. Tiffany was just about to claw at Ben when I shouted, "Tiffany, no!"

The first thing in my mind was SHIT.

When I shouted no, I actually took a step forward towards them. But I don't know why I was scared. I was scared for Ben, scared for what it taught the other children. But most of all, I was scared of what Mrs Sing would think of what I just did. But when she heard me shout no, she just laughed and told Tiffany to sit down. Not even a sense of guilt.

Has this been happening over the years?

A few days later, my principal called me over to the office to prepare for Compassion Week. Apparently, I had to teach the children about compassion and use the materials they gave in order to conduct the lessons. But that's not the point. While we were walking into the office, she suddenly asked me, "Siti, what do you do in Pauline's class ah?" So of course I say, "I can't be teaching when she's teaching so I just sit with the kids and make them pay attention when they're talking." Then she nodded and said, "Cause I got feedback from Pauline, she say that she feel like when she's teaching, she's being observed by supervisor like that."

At that moment, I really felt.... effed up. Like, seriously? I run errands for her, zap worksheets for her, go through shit with the stupid risograph machine that keeps jamming, create her worksheets for her because she has to be with her class. & this is what I get? Giving the P the impression that I'm doing nothing in her class and just "observing".

I was super pissed after that. But I didn't have time to dwell on it because I had the Compassion Week materials to prepare.

On my last afternoon of practicum, another incident happened. & I swear I almost reported her to the principal. They were all doing colouring and this boy, Yu Xin, handed up his worksheet first but he gave it to me. So I took it and had a look at it. I noticed the top of the cartoon looked like someone took their crayon and just 'conteng' the cartoon. So naturally, I asked him what happened. He said Yi Ling draw on his paper. Mrs Sing overheard and went over. She called Yi Ling over too and asked her why she did that for.

"You want or not you colour so nice then I take crayon and spoil your paper? Next time you do again I will spoil yours. But I won't draw on your paper, I draw on your face."

I swear, I was already angry at this point. But I didn't have enough courage to stand up for the child. :(

The next day, when I returned in the afternoon during lunchtime, I talked to Jean about it. She said actually can report but I told her we need more evidence than just us being witnesses. It might look like a conspiracy. Then I told her about what Mrs Sing said to P about me. And I was surprised when Jean said, "I know. I know everything. She also got talk about me."

That was the day I realized that when you work in an all-female environment, this kind of thing can't be avoided. Our species are known to gossip and talk behind people's backs. Especially about bad stuff that brings down the reputation of said person.

This has been frustrating me the past two weeks. It bothers me until I can't sleep at night. I want to protect the children. Some come from broken, incomplete homes and school is probably the only place that can shape them to become better, to complete what is not complete at home. I want to help them, I want them to learn the right things. How can I report this when it would affect my own performance in future?

See, if I report this, P would definitely tell Mrs Sing who told her about what she did, and my life at the centre for the next 3 years could either be good or miserable. And I don't want to report it with the intention of jeapordizing Mrs Sing's job. I just want her to stop.

Understand my dilemma now?

I've talked to many parties regarding this and they all said the same thing: Report it. It's the right thing to do.

For the sake of the children.

Now, I just really don't know.

I don't know. I'm still helping Mrs Sing print worksheets and stuff like that. Now, I'm helping her do her portfolios for the children's parent teacher conference in November. She's rushing it out and I help her do it on her laptop while she's teaching the class. It makes it hard for me to do any observations for my practicum folder because my eyes are glued to the screen.

Jean actually misses her time at Blk 409. I actually wish I got Blk 409.

Sigh.

I'm under stress because of this. Can you believe it? Cause I can't. My classmates told me to just note when the incidents happen and what she does to the children. Video it if possible. But that would be mean. I mean, that's in my opinion.

Now do you see my dilemma?

I know it's a long post. I just had to. There's nowhere I can go to without feeling even more depressed about what I should do.

Sigh.