Sick Me

Guess I'd rather be at work instead of at home but I happen to be sick. Because it's boring to stay home.

Can't even walk without feeling like I'm about to faint. The world starts to black out and I'm forced to squat and close my eyes until it goes away. When I woke up this morming, I realised my hands and fingers were shaking on their own. It was so scary. Downed my medicine and laid down for a while. I lost my appetite to even eat anything. Eventually I forced some rice down and drank barley before crashing on my bed. Suddenly had diarrhoea too.

Too descriptive so I'm just gonna...go. 

Miserable At Best

This is something Ahmad tagged me in that I feel are things I need to start doing now. 

Salam!

In the past 2 weeks, I've been through a turmoil of feelings. From feeling worried to angry to betrayed to whatever this is right now.

Because honestly, I just  don't get it.

Here I am, sitting alone in my classroom, another overnight session with a few of my other colleagues in their own rooms, and I'm thinking, why the hell do I have such bad luck with friendships?

I kept wondering, is it me?

What's wrong with me?

Why do my friends either want to get rid of me, or betray me, or just accuse me of doing something I probably wasn't aware I was doing?

Is it my fault in the first place?

Honestly, what is it? What is it?

Why can't I ever have a decent friendship? Yes, they have their ups and downs, but they're supposed to get through all of that and come out stronger. Because all the good times spent together is not worth breaking a friendship over something as small as a misunderstanding.

I just don't get it at all.

I'm sick and tired already. From my secondary school days until my polytechnic days. I thought now that I am a working adult, or at least now that we're all in the early 20s, we'd be mature enough to not behave like this. But no, I was wrong.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure why this happens to me like, almost every phase of my life. I just hope I can be strong enough to overcome this.

Time and again, I feel like I somehow allow myself to get betrayed or stabbed in the back by people. If they were unhappy with me for instance, they'd talk behind my back, instead of coming straight to me. Because honestly, if you tegur me, I'd accept it. I'd know what I'm doing may not be acceptable, so that's how I will learn to change. Of course it'd take time to digest, but I'd surely do something to change. But like, really, do I deserve to be treated like this every single time? Seriously.

I can't please everyone. Deep down, I know that. But that's what I've always been doing and in the end, I hurt myself. It's not fair to me. Which brings us to point 5 to 7 in the above picture.

I just don't know what to do anymore. This has been nagging at the back of my head the past 2 weeks and it was all I could do to push it away and put my work first because it was sky high before, now it's the-tallest-skyscraper-in-Singapore high. Sigh.

Well then, I'll just go get a cup of tea to feel better about this, and hopefully, things will get better.

Just. So. Tired. Of. Everything.

Because these words were never easier for me to say

Or her to second guess

But I guess

That I can live without you but

Without you I'll be miserable

And I can live without you

But without you I'll be miserable

And I can live without you

Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

So I spent 5 hours yesterday fixing my new IKEA kitchen set up.

5 hours of headache.

Trust me when I say I never wanna do this again.

Or maybe, not alone at least.

It's tough shit, I tell you. 

No freaking joke.

Salam!

I'm feeling preeettty happy and excited for myself. I had a lesson observation today by my principal and what's worse is it was to be a video-ed observation. At the start of the day, I was pretty stressed as I hadn't printed my lesson plan for her because Dropbox was being a biatch and so was the work computer. In the end, I managed it. After our mass exercise in the morning, my children and me waited for her arrival but she didn't seem to come so I called her and found out she actually forgot. -.-

The lesson went on as usual, but I couldn't stop smiling and I can't even recall why! The children were soooo excited too! Prior to the observation, I made them promise to be on their best behaviour. My naughtier ones were as usual, of course, but at least, during the whole lesson/observation, they were all cooperative. They responded very well, in fact, TOO WELL, to my standard hand signals. (I try to use hand signals as another form of instruction, a tip I picked up from one of the workshops I attended. Hee.) Now that I reflect back, they were pretty engaged in the activity that I planned for them, or rather, the curriculum planned for them. I was rather impressed at their enthusiasm too.

So, my principal's comments were quite positive. During our pre-observation meeting, she asked me which area of the observation I want her to focus on and I said my classroom management. So just now, she said my classroom management was 'very good'. The children 'respond and listen to you very well'. The children 'were very engaged in the activity, which is what the QAC officers will want to see.'

I wanted to scream Alhamdulillah.

These comments mean a lot to me because last year, all my observations went haywire, practicum assessments included.

So, yep. This is quite an achievement, and the feeling is just too awesome. :)

So I realised these things today that I have not done:
- March meeting minutes
- This week's lesson evaluations
- My class's allergy list
- Virtues lesson plans

Die die die. District Head might be coming anytime she wants, and QAC officer will be coming on the 24th. Die die die.

Still, this can't dampen my mood today. It'll only motivate me. :D

Until my next post, InsyaAllah. :3

Here's a reason to post something:

I'm spending an all-nighter in my classroom today!

Awesome right?!

NOT.

So I cleared the cupboard behind me.

So far, no cockroaches.

But I found their shit.

So. Hais.

Anyway, it's been a pretty long day for me.

From meeting CEO in the morning, to rushing home to prepare for B's engagement at Yew Tee in the afternoon, to rushing home again to have dinner at my aunt's and then ending up here.

Gonna stay up all night doing work and gonna spend the whole of tomorrow (after piano class) to rest up. Wish me luck.

Bismillah. 

Sorry I gotta do a major throwback to the one place I don't mind going back to every year.

Where the skies are bluer, where the air is fresher, where the life is relaxed-er.

I miss you, Australia.

Salam!

March holidays hasn't been nice to me. Not only do I have to go for workshops for the first two days, it meant missing 2 days of work that could have been completed by now. Since I had a late start on my learning centres activities, I have no choice but to come back on the official off days which is today, and most probably the weekend. & I haven't even practised my piano. T.T

My purpose of posting after a long time of busy schedules is because I just sent in my application to UniSIM's degree in early childhood with management, like, 30 minutes ago.

Yup. If I get through the interview and get accepted into the programme, then it'll be 4 years of crazy busy schedules and assignments and this time, exams, again. But it's okay, like I always say: One year of hardships for the next 50 years. Nothing in the world comes easy, there's bound to be setbacks before you reach a finishing point.

I just want to be able to support my family better. I know in 4 years, I probably wouldn't be working at where I am currently, but I hope for better opportunities in future, that'd not only benefit my career, but would also enable me to give my family a better, secured future.

I don't know what I'm saying this time of the night but, I'm actually not even going to sleep yet. I have laminating to do for my learning centres task cards. Yeah, hardcore teacher, you may say, but like Ahmad said, this is BPA (Bo Pian Act). If I don't do it, I'd definitely get into trouble because it's my job, for crying out loud. Then, it will affect my appraisal, followed by my bonus and increments whatnots.

But other than that, I'm pretty satisfied with my work because this term is at least more interesting than the last. At least the children will be more occupied with the activities. I just need more tidying up to do, and with the conflict going on with the cleaner and all, sigh. So malas to entertain drama. I'm like, ain't nobody got time for that. You not happy then don't happy la. It's not my problem. I'm not here to please you. Nobody is here to please you. We all have enough on our plates as it is. :(

I think it's the tea that I drank that's keeping me up this late. Sigh. I haven't had movie marathons in the longest time. All because I'm always doing work related stuff. Speaking of which, I haven't done the meeting minutes for this month. Ugh. I hate SPARKS already. But gotta keep going man. Keep the faith, I can do this. *fighting*

& with all this happening at the moment, the fact that it feels so surreal that our problems would be gone just like that, is hard to believe. Everyone is pinning their hope on it, all except me. I'm not one to pin high hopes on something anymore, I've been through enough to learn that the hard way. Still, if Allah permits it, if this is His way of showing us His mercy and guidance, then I'd accept it. :')

Salam, and till the next post. :)

Lovely Intermission

So, today is the 55th month since we got together.

Trust me when I say, it still feels surreal.

These words finally make sense to me:

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

:3

Salam!

It's been a long time since the last detailed post. Heh. So sorry. I've been mad tired lately, even Ahmad complained 'cause I slept really early nowadays. Thing is, even though I slept earlier than my usual timing, I still wake up tired. It's draining me, everyday, travelling back and forth, putting up with the aches of work.

Now that I've been working full day for 3 months, I'm starting to see the true colours of my colleagues, starting to see where all these conflicts lie and how they sparked off. But what makes it all better is that the parents of my class, have warmed up to me better. I have a few challenging ones that I can count off my fingers, but the rest are better now. Phew! I even got a positive comment, unexpectedly from my super hyperactive student. His mum told me about when she asked him what he learnt in school and he said Teacher Siti taught about many men is spelt men with the 'e' and one would be spelt with the 'a'. His mum told me she was very happy that he learnt that because he has very short attention span. 

To tell you the truth, I was flabbergasted when his mum told me this because I swear, he never, NEVER, EVER sits still during my large group teaching (plus he's right in front of me under my nose) and I have no idea HOW he could remember that when he wasn't paying attention. It made me see him in a different light after that. I decided even though his eyes may not be on me, his ears are still listening.

Honestly, this inspired me. :B

So I got news about the bond and my supposed salary increment. The bond hasn't officially started because HQ needs my Letter of Completion that states that I passed all my modules in order for them to start my bond and give me my salary increment according to my "academic and professional qualifications". But once they have it, they will start the bond according to the course's date of completion, which is 23 December, and then back pay me for the previous months of salary.

I lost my payslip for the month of February..... Sigh. So kanciong scan all my education certificates, but missed one precious thing: the most recent payslip. So I will have to wait for this month's payslip and submit my application for UniSIM before 31 March. T.T So nervous and scared that I'd forget until I put a reminder of a week from pay day in my calendar. Gonna pester Ruth for the payslip and straightaway scan it at work once pay comes in. I want this so badly, but there's an interview that comes along with the application. Sigh. It's nerve-wrecking, I swear.

So that's about it that's happening in my life. And by the way,

Happy 55th to the one and only man who has captured my heart from day one.

Time flies when you're in love and having fun, hahaha.

I love you to the moon and back, to the stars far above, till Neptune and the 4 other planets that the scientists recently discovered. :3

& I love you much more ferociously than the Torvosaurus Gurneyi that we learnt about today. :3

(Had to read newspapers for the sake of the children's current issues subject, otherwise I wouldn't sound that nerdy. :p)

You're my lovely intermission

You're the one that I've been waiting

Waiting for you

Waiting for you

You're my lovely intermission

I can feel that something's missing before I found you

Before I found you

Work has been crazy.

I'm so tired.

Want to blog but too tired.

:(