I realized a lot of things today. That maybe I wouldn't become the person I am today if I hadn't gone through what I have the past few years. That maybe Allah wanted me to remember Him always, which is why He did this to me. That maybe He wanted me to become a better person than I am so he made me go through all these. Maybe. Just maybe. But I could never know.

Still, her sentence resonates in my brain: "Banyak jugak penyakit kau eh."

It just got me thinking, sure, that's true. But somehow, I think that maybe it was good that I went through all that. Because, I doubt that I would be the person I am today, if I hadn't gone through what I have. I'd probably be a bitch, who knows? I might not even have a change of heart after visiting Indonesia. I don't know for certain. But what I know, and am very sure of, is that I am glad that I turned out okay. Maybe some people may have a problem with me, maybe sometimes I may not be as perfect as the next person, but what I do know, is that I am me. I am fully aware that sometimes people get frustrated with me. I do get frustrated with myself too. Really, sometimes I feel like giving up, and I get angry with myself, and curse myself. Sometimes, even getting angrier with my fate. But at the end of the day, I remember Allah, and tell myself that everything happens for a reason. No one can understand how I really feel, not even my parents. This is what I am going through, and have gone through. And unless you have gone through the same thing, you'd never know what it's like. I don't even think you know what I mean, I doubt you'll even understand what I'm talking about. But I'm just venting out here.

I've had like, half a dozen people tell me to pour out my feelings and not keep things to myself. I have to talk it out. But how can I? People think they understand, it's so easy for them to say, "Sabar, cobaan, be strong.." etc etc. I think I understand how Syai feels. I'll have to admit that I was one of those who said the same thing to him weeks ago. But now, I absolutely know that this was how he felt. It's so easy for someone to tell me to accept my fate. But they don't know what it feels like. It's this slow, painless pain that's inside you that doesn't eat you physically, but mentally, emotionally. I'll have to admit, I've cried about it at night until I had no more tears left to cry, asking myself, asking Allah, why? Why me? It's always the same old question over and over, repeatedly, endlessly.

Then I'll look at my sick aunt. She's been fighting her cancer since June. Actually, it's been about 2 years. But it only got worse in June. Anyway, there was once when my maid talked to me about it. She said that Allah is already showing us many signs through Angah. I wondered at that and asked what she meant. She said, "Kalau Allah sayang seseorang, Dia akan selalu pelihara orang tu. Dia akan jaga, betol2 jaga orang tu. Tengok Angah. Mungkin bila dia masih muda, dia tak ingat Allah. Dia enjoy je. Skarang, bila sakit, dah terlambat, baru ingat Allah. Dulu bila dia masih muda, dia kurang ajar kat nenek kau, mak kau. Tau? Dia tendang nenek kau, mengamok suma. Sebab itu, Allah balas dia gini. Sakit sampai boleh gila. Ini baru balas kat dunia. Kalau akhirat? Lagi terok."

This got me thinking. She was right. Sometimes, when we get too carried away enjoying our lives, we forget about The One. We forget about what He can do to us, for us. Sometimes, it does scare me a lot. I'll cry like crazy when I pray, so afraid of the future, of what else could happen to me, or to my loved ones. I know maybe you think I'm such a crybaby. That I cry over every little thing that happens. But no, you've go no idea what it's like to be me. So you can think whatever you want about me.

I love my maid. She's been like an older sister to me the past 8 years, and she always says the best things. We could talk for hours about anything; religion, family, friends, gossip, relationships etc. & at the end of the day, she'll leave me with food for thought. Last night, she told me this: "Allah akan tolong orang yang berusaha. Kalau kita tak berusaha, buat apa Allah nak tolong kita? Biar kita yang berusaha terus, Allah akan menentukan hasilnya." So tell me, when she leaves at the end of this year, how am I gonna survive without her?

Okay, so much emo-ing at 2.18am. Night shift. My pussy sister pandai-pandai watched a horror movie on Sensasi despite knowing that we were doing shifts to look after my aunt. Ended up, she told me: "Long, we watch her together kay? Until 6am. I scared uhhhh, after watching that ghost story." Siape tak -__________- ????? So, yeah, she's watching The OC right now while I'm here.

Been a while since I wrote long posts like these. :) Nights.