Already Gone

A pity that today had to end this way. No, it wasn't drama at home. It was more of a change of mood.

I met someone I least expected to meet just now. I don't know what to feel right now. I cried all the way home after that.

It's as if everything wasn't enough to dampen my mood. Today was W35F's last day together as a class; I read something I really, really, really didn't like on Le Love and had to go down to the 3rd floor toilet just to calm down; & some things some people said really pissed me off; & then, when I alighted the train at Pasir Ris, this.

My hands are shaking slightly just at the thought of it.

I've never broken down about it before and I understand why I chose today to break down. Last day of the semester = emotional. Sure. Right. Maybe that's why.

But seeing her happy with her new ang moh husband, I just felt sad. Not sad for her, or sad for me. Just sad for my family. There's so many missing pieces in this family puzzle, who wouldn't feel sad? I keep telling myself to move on, don't dwell on it, no point crying over spilt milk, what's done is done, but I just can't move on. I care too much. A couple of days ago, I met the person I haven't seen in months, and today, I met another person I haven't seen in months. & oh, what about the other person? In fucking Dubai.

I don't like it when I get too emotional. Right now, I'm faking a smile at everyone, pretending that everything's alright when all I want to do is just cry some more.

You're probably wondering who I met at the MRT station. My MIA aunt. Her and her new ang moh husband. I haven't heard from her since last year. Not even during Hari Raya. Why? 'cause she got into this biggie fight with my parents. Because of that ang moh. & it's like, it hurts to know she's happy while the rest of us are not. & not forgetting the fact that she abandoned her kids just to go off with that ang moh, while forgetting everything that my parents have ever done for her. She chose some stupid ang moh over her family.

& why did I cry? I cried because reality hit me with a smack in the face. This family is never, ever gonna be the same again. I'll never get back that happy childhood I used to have. It'll just sit in the back of my mind, a discarded memory. (This Already Gone song is so not helping but it fits my mood.) This family will be as screwed up as it ever will. Nothing will change for the better. I'm just going to have to drift apart, far, far away from him and then poof! He's gonna die one day and I know I'll regret it when that happens, regret all the times when I could have gotten closer to him when I still had the chance, to tell him I love him because he's the only grandparent I have left. But I can't because my mum hates his new family, his wife, to be exact. I've already let go of what's past, but my mum just can't.

& when I saw him at the kenduri arwah on Sunday, my heart broke. It really broke. He looked thinner than the last time I saw him, he looked so much more tired, and yet, he could still smile at everyone there. I know it's 'cause he's just happy that we're having a family gathering, and it's what he likes, to have everyone get together. I wanted to hug him, seriously. I wanted to tell him I love him, that no matter what he did, he'll always be my beloved grandpa. But I don't know why I held back. I stopped myself. It's not because there were a lot of people there. It's just, because.

I hate it when I get too emotional. Like, right now. I can't stop crying.

& just now. After I said goodbye to my aunt, I started thinking, remembering those days when everything was happier than it was now. When no one was fighting with anyone. When we'd go Johor in the middle of the night just so that my mum and her can go to some stupid night market while we kids sit at the back of the car watching movies or playing PSPs. & the kecohness of gatherings. & fooling around with cousins. These times will be no more. Or at least, not the way it used to be. & then, I started crying. Remembering again those times when I couldn't get along with her because I hated her attitude and the way she treated her kids. Remembering those times when I was rude to her. Remembering the times when we used to go shopping together. Remembering and regretting some things. & so I cried. For what that can never be anymore.

These missing pieces of the puzzle will forever haunt me. It's tough to have to think about it when you don't even want to think about it but you just have to because it's just there on your mind. No matter how hard I try to push it away, it's still there.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself, what if? What if she never entered our lives? Would things be different? I talked to Sisto about it once. & she was like, "Ya! This family won't be living here!" & I was like, okay, true. & that guy wouldn't be in Dubai either. But would things be different?

I really don't know.

I need advices. But I don't know who to turn to. There's so much on my mind. I don't wanna think about it either, and it's not like I had a choice, you know. Today just seemed appropriate to break down, somehow. Some day.

I feel like shit now. Getting so emotional about sucha small thing. Maybe it's this song. Pfffft. Guess this song on repeat ain't a good thing after all, even if it does match my mood.

Guess I'll just go study for UT3. Am gonna really miss W35F.

His jacket is such a comfort. I'm glad I brought it back.

I read something interesting. Here: http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20090817/tts-britain-military-defence-ufo-space-o-cac1e9b.html

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye