He was supposed to come home to our house today.

He was supposed to be discharged today, to come into our care at home.

I guess Allah has a different plan for our family's cobaan(s).

Once again, we are seeing each other's true colours.

Just like we did during arwah Angah's time with breast cancer.

But that's okay.

This family up there will always and definitely be here for him.

Our prayers for him will never stop.

I've never tried so hard to be strong since Angah's cancer.

But this breaks my heart.

As I stared at his weak body on that bed, his quivering lips and trembling fingers, 

it was all I could do to hold back the tears.

I even had to whisper to myself "Be strong, you can do this." 

because Aunty Yoyo was there.

I only started crying as I walked from the hospital to Simei MRT.

The surgery successfully removed the cancerous part of his colon.

But they also discovered that the cancer had spread to different parts of his lungs.

And there's nothing the doctors can do for him.

After this 24 hours observation in SICU, he'll be undergoing chemotherapy.

The doctor says he has to try chemo.

After watching Angah go through chemo, I'm worried for him because I'm not sure if he can take it because of his age.

I'm praying hard for him.

We all are.

I can't lose hope that he'll be okay.

Save You

Salam....

Despite knowing that all life ends and returns to Allah, here I am still feeling terrified to lose the only grandparent I have left. My childhood with him was stripped away by the one person I know deep down that I'd never be able to truly forgive, especially not after finding out what she did that brought him to the condition he is in right now.

The hurricane of emotions I've been feeling since I found out never left. Each time I think about him, how he looked on the hospital bed, me clutching his hand as though I could hang on to his life for him, watching him sigh and moan as he moved to find a comfortable position on his bed because his stomach hurts, all these bring tears to my eyes I just can't stop.

I've always prayed that no one else I know besides my late aunt would have cancer. It's a horrible disease that not only slowly kills the ill one, but the people who love them too. It hurts to watch your loved ones wither away and now I have to watch another. It just had to be the one I lost many years of childhood with.

The operation to remove like, 30%, of his colon is tomorrow. Praying so hard tonight that he'll be okay after that. I've gotta have faith. I'm just trying to be as optimistic as I can. I knew someday he'll go, but I wasn't ready for it to be cancer again. But I know it's all already written in our fates.

Till then, I pray for strength, just lots of strength and faith to brave through this again. I know I'm much stronger since Angah but I know this will break me more than Angah did. I grew up with him around and suddenly one day, he disappeared from my life, only to reappear again 7 years later. Everything changed after that, nothing was ever the same because of her. It will always be her fault. How cruel she had been to him behind our backs.

I know I won't be able to focus on work tomorrow because of the op but I have to remember to keep my emotions in check with the kids.

I might update more just so I can dump my feelings here. Too much going on, too much bottled up. Luckily, when I'm at work, my mind is taken off this matter because the kids make me forget everything else, especially when they make me laugh. So much love for the morning class.

I have to tell him I love him the next time I get to see him.

When I hear your voice 

It's drowning in a whisper 

It's just skin and bones 

There's nothing left to take 

And no matter what I do 

I can't make you feel better 

If only I could find the answer 

To help me understand 

Sometimes I wish I could save you 

And there're so many things that I want you to know 

I wont give up till it's over 

If it takes you forever I want you to know

2012

2015

HAVE I CHANGED OVER THE YEARS?

HAHAHAHAHA.

Broken Pieces

The past more than half a year, I wonder how I survived.

I never thought you would leave without a trace.

I never thought I'd be okay with that.

But now, how do we move on and pick up the pieces from where we left off?

:(

Oh, tell me what we're fighting for

It's turned into an all out war

I'll find a way to fix these broken pieces and let go

Soon.

InsyaAllah.

Really hoping for this break to happen.

Relying on the sister to plan the trip as I'm busy with work and school.

:)