Next To You

Hello hello kopi ke milo?!

I'm going off to KL tomorrow with my family, and Hippo and umm...cubs. HAHA. I pray for the journey to be a safe and smooth one. Amin. :)

Anyway, for whoever who still reads my blog at all, I'm sorry for not updating as frequent as I used to, or updating with emotional, sad stuff. It's just that the past month has been a rocky sea for me. I've been over-thinking, too much actually (I always do, anyway.) and it affected my feelings too badly. When I sent out that email, it brought me to tears. I didn't think that things would be reduced to this state. It took a lot of courage, but I don't regret it. Maybe someday, I'll find better courage to do something more than that. Other than that, I've been very sensitive this month. It's only January, and there were so many times my feelings got hurt, either intentionally or unintentionally. I don't really care, I shrug it off all the time, but usually, I suffer for just that moment. Sucks to be me, huh? But hey, I'm gonna be stronger this year. I won't let anybody bring me down this time. I've made mistakes and I learnt the lessons behind them. I won't repeat the same mistakes, that's for sure.

After the CNY weekend, it will be Week 14 of the academic calendar, which only means that it will soon be the end of Year 3 in RP. Well, not counting the UTs that come after the study week. Still, it's the end, finally the end of my life in RP, Insyallah. After that, I can finally pursue my dreams. Insyallah. Like my sis said, I am the fire starter of this dream of ours, she and Nafisah are the wood to keep that fire going. I honestly can't wait for that part of my life slash dream to start. :D

I'll be going to Graduation Night aka A Night To Remember on February 10 with a small group of friends, woohoo! Haz has been stressing over the dress but then decided to wear something she already owned. The same goes for me. The theme is 80s, what the heck am I supposed to wear? Haha, ohwells.

Sooooo, I've been hooked to this series called The Secret Circle the past week, thanks to Faleela who introduced it to me. I am addicted to it. I realize I have a thing for the spooks. Like umm, vampires, witches and demonic shows. The Secret Circle is about witches, and is so DARK. But! Check this out.

Thomas Dekker

This guy is really sexy, lips-smacking, jaw-dropping, sexy in the show. He has that emo kid aura, especially with the eyeliner. Unless, it's not eyeliner and he really originally has thick lashes. Sexy, seriously, I swear. Okay, dah.

I guess I'm just in a good mood today to be posting about so much things. Well, I guess my blog is just an outlet for my feelings. It's really been a while since I posted this much about what's happening in my life. Oh! I should mention that Ummi Aisyah came by last night. She arrived in Singapore on Monday for just a week. But still, she was willing to come to my house at 12 midnight, so what does that mean? Heh heh. Anyway, I listened to Ummi Aisyah and Fidtriah talk about Ummi Wahidah and all the things she did to the entire family. I really, really hope Ummi Wahidah comes to her senses. Sigh.

Okay then, till here. I still haven't packed for tomorrow's trip and we're departing in the morning. HAHA. Anyway, I stumbled upon something that pretty much sums up how I feel about Ahmad. :3

"When I’ve been distressed, or hurt, or disappointed in my friends and in myself, you have stayed on the line to comfort me. You’re never afraid of silences. When I hang up you wait a minute and call right back, without a word of resentment or criticism, just quiet understanding. It’s as if you can sense what I’m feeling and you know just when to call. The most extraordinary thing about you is that as much as I push you away in my spells of anger or distress, you’ll stay right there, unmoving. You’re so stubbornly devoted to me that I wish every day that I had the same patience, wisdom and integrity as you. Never a single grudge have you held. Not once. Not ever. I know I haven’t been easy, but you always help me come round. Sometimes I fear I have little to give you in return for your enduring kindness and love. I can be cold, distant, reactive. I know that you find my conflicted nature challenging, but you never give up on me, even long after I’ve decided to give up on myself. With gentle, firm words you tell me to snap out of it. That’s all I ever needed. Thank you. I don’t know what else to say."

Thank you, Ahmad Mustaqim, for your endless patience with me. I've always admired you for it. :3

One day when the sky is falling

I'll be standing right next to you

Right next to you

I'm happy.

I sometimes think I am.

But sometimes, I still get swallowed by the guilt.

Regret.

What happened to us was unfair and uncalled for.

& till now, I don't really know what to do.

I hate being alone with my thoughts.

3 more weeks of school, exams, and I'm done.

& then, I'll find the answers, for real this time.

This is all I care about right now.

Getting the songs right.

Playing them right.

& kicking ass for the show.

I don't usually allow myself to get affected by things that people say.

But it happened twice yesterday.

& it was more than I could take.

I'm really, really tired.

This time, I really am.

My favourite shot out of all the photos.

So, 2011 is ending in 30 minutes' time. I'm just here to write my last post in 2011. Ya know, feeling feeling last day of the year. I enjoyed the past few days actually. Awesome BBQ at Kang's place at Cashew Heights, exchanging gifts with GA for the first time, watching Ahmad get thrown in the pool, staying home the whole day for once, photo-shoot at Fort Canning, walking around Orchard with the girls, gamelan in the morning, catching up with who-else-but-Liyana-Ali, wandering around the airport, long talks at Ya Kun. Bliss, bliss, bliss.

This year has been fun, although I must say there were those few times that really brought me down. You lose some, you gain some. I'll just let nature take its course. If it's meant to be, it will be. :)

One important thing I learnt this year is that when life knocks you down, you have to just get back up. There were too many times when I felt like I just got slammed in the face by a wall because reality can be so cruel, but then I learnt, I just had to be strong. I can really say that the weakest I've ever felt this year was on Reflections day. No doubt that I'd always remember that day. Sometimes, it automatically replays in my head whenever I'm alone. Even now, I still can't believe it happened. Many things changed since then, although it wasn't that obvious, but, well, it is to me. But then from that experience, I learnt that even though it hit me so hard in the chest, there was no turning back because the damage was done. I just had to move on. So I did.

I had to move on from a lot of things this year. Seriously.

Well, here's to the new year. Every end of the year, I always wish for the same thing: to be stronger than I was the year before. I don't know if I have this year, but I guess only Allah has the answer to that.

Well then, happy new year one and all! :)

(Habib is looking out of the window right now, same usual position. Such a k-po cat.)

I don't know why.

But it's not like it can stop.

I really miss spending my time with this guy.

FYP really sucks.

I'd rather have internship, seriously, but it's too late.

I won't give up.

It still brings me down, but I keep telling myself to hang on.

Because this is my test.

I need to realize that even though I was given these problems,

I still have very good people around me.

A good family.

& a whole bunch of good friends.

I wonder now why I kept it a secret for three years.

But under different circumstances, the outcome would have been different.

But I guess I'll just go with the flow.

Through this, I'll know who was real and who was fake.

:)

I shouldn't be here, especially at this time, 'cause I have to meet Mirah at 9am tomorrow. But I just feel like posting something after so long of not blogging. [Sorry for that, Haz. Hehe.]

Well, to start off, FYP is making me absolutely miserable. Because of the terrible reviews from the evaluator during the Mid-Sem Evaluation, we had to split the work equally so now I have more to do. It's almost the end of Week 9 and I've been staying up so late since last week to try and code everything. So far, so good, until today, something went wrong and my create_album.php and do_create_album.php did not work. I was just about to start on the upload_photos code. Damn suay. So I'm relying on Mirah tomorrow to help me. Sigh.

This week's plan was to skip every Gamelan practice there is so that I could concentrate on my coding and this was a good idea. Although the codes don't work, for now, at least I'm halfway through. I just need another week, so most probably, next week I'll skip practices too.

Anyway, if Ahmad didn't send me his advanced 28th month wish slash message, I would not have remembered at all. But well, heh. It's kinda hard to believe it's the 28th month tomorrow, OUR 28th month. I'm like, so fast? It feels like yesterday that we were classmates, and played Blind Man with Syai and the rest of W35F melayus. It feels like yesterday that he shipped himself off to Sydney and left me stuck with Balinese but which I truly love later on. & not forgetting that just last Saturday, I sat in the same car as his parents and had mini-conversations with them. So, we're kinda even now. Meet-the-parents sessions: checked.

It's kinda amazing how fast time flies. We've known each other since poly started for us. Sometimes, I myself can't believe it. You know, that we lasted this long, after everything we've been through. Hell yeah man, we've been through so much, I can't believe we actually made it this far. But hey, who's complainin'?

I know there's no such thing as perfect. I know how girls always talk about how perfect their boyfriends are and how they think he's the one and yada yada. I find that annoying sometimes. Am I like that? Pardon me if I am because sometimes, I get into the 'so in love' mode, I get carried away. Haha.

Truth is, I don't hope for anything. At all. I'm serious. People have asked me, "Then what's the point of you being in a relationship with him?" I say, "Jodoh di tangan Allah." If it's meant to be, it will be. :) It's not that I don't think he's the one. I think that I'm not good enough for him. That is why I'm trying to be a better person. You know, more positivity *hint hint*, less negativity. It will be hard but I'll try.

That being said, I'm gonna go off to sleep now. Ahmad Mustaqim, the past month has been a revelation for me too. It's something we've never done for each other but just till that point of time, it became important. I hope it never stops. Thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, thank you. :3

Relationships must be like the relationship between hand & eyes. If hand gets hurt, eyes cry, & if the eyes cry, the hand wipes its tears.