I miss you dearly.

Over the years, as we get on with our lives, we think of our lost ones lesser.

I admit, I think of you lesser now but when I do think of you, the sadness still hits me very hard.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I just want to put this here for memory’s sake.

I miss your smile, your laughter and your gruff voice.

And I’ll always remember your last piece of advice to me that I’ve always held on to.

With everything that’s happening in my life currently, I do wonder if I should take a step back just to put everything into a clearer perspective for me

Am I overworking myself? Am I under a lot of stress and pressure from various aspects in my life?

I guess I’ll just use this weekend to wind down and reflect.

Instead of doing work-related stuff, I should focus on t4t instead.

With the COVID-19 virus just raging on and on, things have not been picking up and I do worry for the future. I wonder whether this was meant to happen to the world. Was this pre-destined? The answer is probably yes. I guess I just need to have faith in Allah that things will be better for all of us, slowly, some day but surely.

InsyaAllah. 

Ramadhan 2021

 

Salam!

It’s been a long while since I last blogged. Well, wow, it’s been 1.5 years, I think, since I got married. This is my second Ramadhan as a married woman. & this time round, it has been a different one from alllll the Ramadhans I’ve spent. Why? Because I spent a lot of time and energy to try to khatam the Qur’an in this holy month. However, I only managed to reach Juz 19 before my period came. So, take note, Faz, 10 days to pay back for this year. Although I’m sad that my intention to khatam Qur’an during Ramadhan was not achieved, I actually feel proud that I at least got halfway through. I’ll just continue after Ramadhan, and hopefully, I can do it on a daily basis. I think that would be a good intention too, right?

This Ramadhan is different in terms of the trials that I’ve had to go through at work. It took a lot, like really a lot out of me not to stay angry the whole day at all the shit and nonsense my leader left us hanging by. It’s now Week 4 that she’s away and, boy, the things that got revealed were astounding. Like really, how lazy can one person be? So yes, it’s only natural as a staff to feel angered by the things a leader should have done or been responsible for. It took a lot of energy to stay patient with all that was going on. 

I also just want to give myself a gentle reminder here. Something happened before Ramadhan started and I did something I normally would not have done and/or had the strength to resist because I am naturally a cheapo person (hahaha!). Okay, only I would know what happened because I’m not gonna tell that story here because of how personal it is but when I read this back, I will be able to understand.

You will have faith. You will continue to have faith. Every woman goes through a different type of journey, and perhaps, yours wouldn’t be as easy but your time will come. Stay strong, have faith, keep trying, keep praying. Even though it’s hard to say it out loud, even though it’s hard to watch that kind of joy and happiness on social media, someday, you will have it too, InsyaAllah. All you have to do is be strong. It’s okay to cry sometimes, because the disappointment is painful, it’s hard, it’s stressful, and there’s so much pressure. But, take it easy. Your mental and physical health matter. It’s okay to cry once in a while, but you don’t deserve to stress yourself out about it. Just have faith because your time will come. If it was meant to be, it will be. If Allah wills it to be yours, it will be. Just be strong and enjoy life as it is. Focus on yourself and the relationship. Build it up, make it stronger. And then, everything will fall into place. :)

I’m always, always so thankful to have Ahmad as my husband. This past half year has been difficult, but we’ve been getting by. Maybe there’s a reason for everything that happens. Maybe the time isn’t right for it to happen. At the end of the day, Allah knows best, and He decides what’s best for us right? No matter how badly we may want it, if Allah says it’s not good for us, He will exchange it with something better. & I’ve gotta remember to always hold on to that.

It’s been hard. But I’m okay. I’m thankful that I have great support systems to turn to anytime I need. So I will be okay.

Girl Talk: Hotel Reception

Salam!

Okay, reception part 2! Gosh, it was such a busy yet exciting weekend! I had not yet digested the fact that we were finally married! I had so much prayers and gratitude to Allah for bringing us together after all these years. 10 years were not a short time and we’ve had so many ups and downs and curves and waves that we overcame together. Those close to us would know that. 

This was the day that Ahmad’s family and relatives officially knew me. I’ve always had a rule that we do not attend each other’s family gatherings and whatnots. My reason being to protect my family’s pride (and also just in case we didn’t get this far, at least our family’s hearts don’t get involved). So, I salam-ed alot of people that day hahahaha.

We walked in with GSM’s accompaniment, Baleganjur, which was really, really awesome. It’s one thing to listen to the composition digitally, but nothing beats that awesome feeling/goosebumps when the music is played live. We walked in like that, damn cool, man. It was such a great moment for us, having the gamelan family present (and literally too, because most of our GNK batchmates attended the reception). 

Well, when it comes to Malay weddings, obviously we have silat. We had Muadzah, who was part of the Baleganjur ensemble, and the twins, Wirda and Widya. Because apparently, for silat, it has to be odd numbers or something. I had goosebumps watching Wirda “silat-ing” for us cause I’ve watched her fight in competitions before and it’s different, obviously. I think it’s also especially because she’s one of Ahmad’s closest friends, like literally from the first day we started dating. And after that, we did the usual salam the parents thing and lots, lots, lots of photo-taking. 

During our time for lunch, the Gadon javanese ensemble played music for us, which was really awesome. We had lots of people coming up to us to take photos, congratulate us and even chit chat for a bit. The food was really good, by the way, considering the amount Ahmad had to spend on this reception alone. *inserts laughing emoji here* I didn’t get to try the 20++ types of desserts, which was such a shame because that was a last minute add on.

We had quite a lot of time for lunch so we got the chance to chit chat with our friends too. It was so nice to see everyone there, like really. I could feel the immense happiness all around us, especially those friends who knew us for as long as our relationship. 

My huge family. I teared up a little when we received the wedding photos from Helloluhv, especially for this one. My family grew and grew and I didn’t realize how my aunts, uncles and parents look so much older now. :’)

So, after lunch, we went upstairs to the hotel room to change into the second outfit. To be honest, this red one was kinda a gamble for me. When I chose this one on selection day, obviously being the clueless not-girly-enough girl I am, I went for the “go big or go home” without even considering whether I would survive on HEELS in this dress. Which, I didn’t, in the end HAHAHAHA. But whatever right, it’s my wedding day and the dress was gorgeous like omg wow. Anyway, in the hotel room, when we were done taking pictures for this outfit, I was gonna put on the heels but realized that the dress was really long and I wasn’t that confident walking on heels with all the underskirts and ruffles. So I decided to wear my sneakers instead. I mean, under all those folds, no one will notice right. BUT! The height difference did. So yes, Faz, BIG mistake. As we walked in on Nyaman by Andmesh, I soon realized that I was looking down at my feet almost the whole time because I was STILL tripping on the skirts in my SNEAKERS. See, not girly enough. Bodoh. What made it all even more comical was as we ascended the stairs to the pelamin, Ahmad was nagging at me about not wearing heels. We were arguing about it AS WE WENT UP. It was so funny!

The entire photoshoot was awkward and comfortable at the same time.

The Helloluhv team was so awesome!

It turned out that Ahmad had a surprise for me. For starters, we had a whole crowd on the floor just cheering and wolf whistling us and shouting random stuff aka B, Kak Rose and Mak Long were the loudest. It was so funny and embarrassing at the same time, gosh. So, after cutting the pulut and giving the wedding speech (it was a big mistake not to draft out an outline or something cause I sounded so stupid just winging it. I feel la) Ahmad sang a song! And not just any song. The one and only song that I cry to when he sings it to me. Andmesh’s Cinta Luar Biasa. 

Now, Ahmad has sung songs to me for years but I have never felt any connection to the songs he sang. But on my birthday in 2019, when he surprised me with a treat to Carousel, this song came on in the van on the way there and for some reason, I understood every single word. He was also singing along. So I asked him to play it again. So when he sang along the second time, I teared up. This song made me feel things, man. The lyrics were so deep and meaningful, especially in terms of our relationship. To make things worse, ever since then, Ahmad enjoyed playing the song in the van and singing it to me just to make me cry. 

So, that’s the story behind why I cry when this song comes on. It’s not because it’s sad but it’s just how true every word is of the what we went through to get to where we are today, plus the part about flowers. I’ve been asking him for years when he’ll give me flowers (for whatever reason, I don’t care, cause I love flowers). There’s a lyric that goes: Aku tak punya bunga, aku tak punya harta, yang ku punya hanyalah hati yang setia, tulus padamu (I don’t have flowers, I don’t have wealth, what I have is a faithful heart, loyal to you). And THAT’S why I cry each time he sings this.

So when he sang this on our wedding day, of course the waterfall is a lot worse plus I had make up on. Genius, right, this guy. Yes, I get that he wants to be sweet and all (man, the cheers he got for singing and then it got super quiet when I cried so bad HAHAHA) but like, he knew how I felt about this song. I still don’t watch that part of the wedding video because of my ugly crying. Ugh. I still appreciate it though. But at that moment, I couldn’t control my tears because of how much we went through to finally be married. From my anxiety attack, my [crazy] mom, my sudden surgeries, my unfair termination, Ahmad changing his job all the way to that very day standing there in our wedding outfits. Of course the feelings would be overwhelming. But anyway, too late for that cause everyone saw it hahahaha.

My precious girls and maid turned older sis hahaha

She took care of us since I was 12 and now watched me get married :’)

I guess that was the highlights. It’s the 3rd of November today, over a year since we were officially married. I’d just like to take a moment to be thankful for this partner that Allah blessed me with. It’s been a year, and he has really been the best to me. Nothing changed since we got married except that we loved more and harder, and protected each other. He’s been my strength this entire year that we’ve been married and I’m so, so, so thankful to have him. If I ever have to do it over, I’d always choose him. A thousand times over. I pray Allah blesses this marriage till Jannah, Amin!

The next post will be on.... the honeymoon! Haih, belom habis lagi? Hahahahaha!

Girl Talk: The Reception after Nikah

Salam!

We got the wedding photos last month but I only have time to share now cause of the portfolio preparation period. But I’m done with it (yay!) so I can go back to blogging about my wedding. Gosh, it’s been such a slow process to pen down my thoughts and feelings about the entire wedding I’m afraid I may forget the details that were important to me. But then again, it was and will always be the most happiest day of my life (and Ahmad’s too, I hope) so I don’t think I’ll ever forget the details (and journey leading up) of the wedding. Teehee.

So this was the reception after the nikah. It was such a blur though. There were groups and groups of family, friends, mom and dad’s friends coming up to us with congratulations and requests for pictures. I really love our family picture though, both in the nikah outfit and the evening outfit.

Ahmad was looking so fabulous that day, by the way. *heart eyes*

The reception went smoothly, Alhamdulillah. All hands were on deck, and one of the most helpful all out one was Ayah Long’s. I didn’t see him in action but I already knew that he would be the one really helping out in the kitchen area. Even today, I really appreciate all he has done for this family because there were some things I learnt about him that made me really sad. My parents have always helped their family members, but I can’t really say the same vice versa. Despite that, Ayah Long has always been one of those who will step forward for my family with whatever he can and he will always remind me to tell him if I have problems. *hearts*

Anyway, we had the photoshoot at Changi Airport because it freaking rained and we couldn’t go outdoors. Fudge, my photographer, said that she can shoot in the rain, but I was thinking of the laundry part of the outfit that I’d have to pay if we returned it dirty. So we went to T3. The photos thankfully didn’t look like the airport. Yay!

The photos turned out so gorgeous that I got teary when I looked through everything. There were like, hundreds of photos, by the way. Hahahahaha. Fudge and her team did a really great job at documenting everything.

So anyway, after the photoshoot was over, Ahmad and me headed over to check into Concorde Hotel for the next day’s reception: his side. Which will be in another post because it was quite exciting!

Till the next post, InsyaAllah!

Girl Talk: The Nikah

Assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah, we are finally husband and wife on the 26th day of October 2019. Everything went so well, Alhamdulillah for everything, really (I do have complaints here and there but that will be stories for another day)

I have heard stories about how you get emotional during your nikah ceremony. I was so mentally prepared to cry (or even ugly cry) for mine. But to my surprise, I didn’t! I’m not sure if it’s just a delayed reaction/emotion because I only did later on but more on that later. So, the nikah. It was quite fast because we finished the burdariyah quite early and the Kadi also came early. So the nikah started earlier than 11.

Then, session power transfer from my Abah to Ahmad started. My heart was really beating so fast plus Ahmad looked reeeeeeally good in his baju melayu slash pengantin slash all that drama at JB over that particular baju *inserts eye rolling here*. Ahmad was confident and Abah was articulate. And how do they say it? Dengan sekali lafaz, sahlah kami sebagai suami isteri.

Prior to the wedding day, Ahmad’s mom created a WA group with us and his dad. She shared all sorts of advices and doas to read for the wedding day and marriage life. I was really touched by her initiative and willingness to share. So anyway, one of the doas was for this below:

After the nikah, Ahmad held the top of my head and read this doa.

This particular moment was so deep because I once asked Ahmad why the groom does this to his bride. Like, was there actually a doa in particular.

So apparently, yes, there is and Ahmad read it very confidently.

All I said was Amin, Amin, Amin. 

I legit cannot wait for the official photos.

& just like that, Alhamdulillah, we’re married!

I don’t have a picture of him kissing my forehead hais.

So there! That’s our nikah ceremony. That day was full of love and blessings, and so was the next day at Ahmad’s reception. The amount of love and support from family and friends were overwhelmingly overpowering. I could feel how happy everyone was for us. Like finally, this couple of 10 years since poly years are married. Hahahahahaha. 

It’s been 3 weeks since, and I couldn’t be happier. I married my best friend, my pillar of support, my imam and I hope Allah blesses this marriage until Jannah, InsyaAllah. Amin!

Salam! It’s been a while from me right?

Well, where do I even begin? The past year has been really, really, tremendously hard. So much happened to me in just a short span of time that it gets quite hard to believe that it all really happened, yknow what I mean?

By the way, the post about Sunday’s JB trip was just me pouring my frustrations out. I have never felt so stuck in the middle when it came to the wedding planning. This one gave me what Zaff called a mini anxiety attack. I really don’t want to feel that way again.

But like I said, the past year has been hard. I joined a new company only to be terminated on unfair and unreasonable grounds. During that termination notice period, I underwent 2 eye operations and even now, I’m still under medication and observation. When I found a new job, I had to go through another eye operation, which shocked the management but thankfully, they didn’t ask much. I am now in my 4th month (probation over) with my new company and I’m happier than I was in GUG. GUG was a very stressful place and Allah knew it. That unfair termination was really a blessing in disguise.

I have a very supportive team and environment at my current workplace and again, I am really, really thankful for that. It’s so rare to have such supportive and helpful colleagues. Although there are certain areas that can be improved (it’s an old centre/building), it’s a place I want to work hard for. Maybe I’ve found another “PCF” after all. Or am I saying that too soon? Hahaha.

Now, wedding. The reason why it’s been hard is only and only because of my mother. The demands she had were just too much. AKA “Dessert corner with 10 macam kuih” for a reception of 400pax... kek kukus berkat for tamu lelaki only (seriously wtf since when was berkat based on gender?), the rings (she said my diamond is NOT BIG ENOUGH, it’s freaking 0.3ct and that’s too big for ME and I’m the one wearing the ring not her right?!?!), Ahmad’s baju nikah issue was the last straw for me. I cried in the car behind my shades quietly, I had that anxiety attack, I cried again after we separated from Ahmad, I cried outside Nek Uteh’s house, I cried in the car journey back to SG. And my parents and Cik La never knew. The feelings of hatred towards my mother was too overwhelming that day. Like why she had to be so rigid and unreasonable.

I mean, in the case of the rings. She’s always gone on and on about how she wants her daughters’ husbands to be men who can guide her daughters to Syurga. But then demands him to be able to give a 1 ct diamond ring. I’m like, which one do you want? Dunia or akhirat? She’s so inconsistent, it’s so hard to keep up. And that’s why my sister can’t click with her.

We’re headed for ROMM tomorrow. I’m not sure if she’s coming with us because my dad has to go no matter what as he’s my wali. But if she follows too, I really am not sure what to expect. I feel so so so sorry towards Ahmad actually now. It’s so embarrassing to have my mother be so materialistic about the wedding when she’s always talked about barakah this and that. Friends said it’s because it’s the “sending off first child” thing and it would only get worse. I just don’t know what more I can take before I burst and it could get ugly.

I’m already tired from work issues and having to deal with this wedding related bullshit is just overwhelming. In the past 1 year of planning, it’s been so smooth and it’s only now that it’s a month away to the wedding that I’m suddenly feeling everything all at once. To the point I told myself, please just get the wedding over and done with already. I asked myself if I’m really gonna be okay with living away from my family, mainly my mother, once I’m married. I really don’t know and there’s only one way to find out right? I keep telling myself that it’s better for my mental health to be away from this crowded house. Cause I honestly really can’t. Anymore.

I really pray hard for patience. After that, I would like to go on a long holiday. Thanks.

Maybe I should start blogging more frequently to release pent up frustrations and whatever shitload. I realized my posts have decreased drastically hahaha. Let’s go back to doing Dear Diary everyday, shall we?

Till the next post. InsyaAllah.

The past week has been the hardest so far due to work.

But Sunday’s JB trip made me feel the worst thanks to my momster.

I’ve never had such an attack and it really helped to have friends who knew what it was like and had previously described their experiences to me.

I turned to the right person for support and Alhamdulillah, thankfully it was over before I knew it.

I’m just thankful that I was aware of my feelings and fought my way out.

I dont’t ever want to feel that way again.

I don’t know what else is in store the rest of this journey because the cobaan level went up another notch, if not a few.

I need to keep reminding myself to stay calm.

I’ve been so calm about the wedding preparations and I want to keep it that way. 

The only person who messes it up for me is my mother.

All I pray for is more patience from this point on leading up to the wedding.

Friends told me it will only get worse and I don’t doubt that.

All I hope for is just patience dealing with that.

I don’t need a legitimate breakdown to prove a point.

It doesn’t have to go that far.

May Allah ease all our affairs.

Assalamualaikum 2019!

The year started off on a bad note with CH management but I decided not to pursue the issues because they were not worth the effort at all.

I joined GUG officially on the 10th this month and so far, it’s been okay. Being a newly built centre and all, most of the times, I’ve been helping to do the inventory stuff besides the “training” at the Novena campus. My colleagues are great too, Alhamdulillah. I hope this stays too.

I’m tired of changing jobs too, ya know. I don’t want to think that PCF was the best place because it really isn’t that. It was my comfort zone and now, I’m glad I left because I really feel like I’ve grown.

Anywayssssssss.

This is the year I get married, InsyaAllah.

Constantly being pressured by the family, namely sister and mother.

Sometimes, I wish for things I shouldn’t wish for.

But no one exactly knows what it feels like to be in this position.

My married friends always tell me this: If can, don’t live with parents or in-laws.

Boy, am I SOOOOO stuck in the middle.

Not to mention the honeymoon thing also.

The sister wants to tag along.

Super tactless la please.

My family is so weird. Sorry, Ahmad.

That’s all for now!

Till next time!

It took us 9 years to go see Christmas lights together.

I was such a happy little girl last night. :D

As the year starts to draw to a close, I am currently reflecting on how it went. The first half of the year was a blur, what with leaving my job and getting engaged all. Not to mention the Ramadhan drama, the worst of all years. Things got better in the second half, Alhamdulillah, now that my helper is back.

But then, I went back to leaving my job after barely 6 months at the Cheriehearts Elias Mall. This centre was a horror not just in terms of the environment but also because of the management and lack of system. This week alone revealed the ugly culture that the team had. My goodness, *smacks forehead*. Nevertheless, I really hope that my next job is the one I can stay in for the long run so that I can grow and develop in my career. Still got a long way to go!

I’m not going to share about my experience at CH. I’m just gonig to be optimistic that there are better things out there, better opportunities and better people. InsyaAllah.

2019 will be an exciting year, especially with the wedding preparations and most importantly, the saving up. I haven’t really felt the stress/pressure yet even though I have like a million things to do with regards to the wedding but I’m just gonna take it slow and enjoy the little moments along the journey. Why make the wedding planning a stressful memory to remember right? Let me just maintain my cool girl image k HAHAHAHA.

But really, my family members and aunts question why I’m so relaxed. Ahmad was warning me the other day not to turn into bridezilla later on. Hahaha, InsyaAllah no. All that I worry about (on a daily basis) is my savings. :)

Anywaysssss! Here’s to a better year ahead! A year of patience, a year of growth, a year of love. Amin! 

Girl Talk: The Engagement

6 months since, and counting.

Nobody knows except for close friends and family.

Still feeling so blessed everyday.

The journey to get to this wasn’t an easy one. I went ring hunting one too many times and mostly with Zaff. I wasn’t that enticed by anything I saw until we got to Tampines One’s Venus Tears. Zaff was like, “Gurl, this ring is so you!” so that’s how we ended up with this simple 3 tiny diamonds Rose Gold Amour Amulet ring. It took about 2 months for the actual ring to arrive from Japan too. It’s personalized and hand-crafted so that’s why. Still love it though (but rarely use it also heh). I’m not a jewellery kinda girl. At some point in my adulthood/working years, I stopped wearing bracelets and rings and headbands and dangling brooches. See my mood lorr.

Anyway, that weekend was a busy one. On Saturday, I cleaned the whole house down like crazy. (Honestly, this year has been nothing but challenging, but that’s a story for another day.) My sis went to get flowers for the house and a bouquet of dried lavender for me. She was looking forward to taking our photos on film. She even had a haircut all. *rolls eyes* 

Anyway, I met Ahmad in the evening to pick up the ring at the shop at Tampines. Since we ordered the ring and it would only arrive in 2 months, the shop gave us a sample ring for the engagement day (which was the next day). So we picked up the ring and boy, did it feel so real! Honestly, the journey to get to this point wasn’t an easy one. There were hiccups and misunderstandings along the way, and lots of arguing with my sister and mom. But well, no need for details.

When Ahmad’s family arrived (his parents, nenek and Ahmad of course), we were all ready. My parents were making small talk with his family in the living room when me and my sister had a little kitchen crisis. I was really close to freaking out hahaha but then my mom entered the kitchen and asked what happened to serving the drinks. We quickly cleaned up the mess and served the drinks and that’s when the discussion started. 

My dad was so calm and collected. His points all fitted together and he sounded so wise and I really admired him so much that day you can literally see the hearts coming out from my eyes. My dad talked about how marriage is a huge and important step for us both and that he as a parent will do his part to prepare me for it. And Ahmad should also prepare himself accordingly. After the discussion was over, they took out the ring. Ahmad’s nenek was damn cute cause she totally teared up and cried. I didn’t know how to comfort her cause how do you, right? She hugged and kissed me all. I haven’t seen her this emotional so I can’t imagine later on our wedding day. Hahahaha.  

Alhamdulillah, first official family meeting went well. Must take picture for keepsake right? So kids, this was how I took the first step with your dad. HAHAHAHA.

So it ended with lunch and a mini photoshoot downstairs courtesy of my sister who insisted for films. The pictures turned out really great too and the picture you see below is one of my favourites.

There’s another with my face and that’s on Ahmad’s phone wallpaper. Hahaha, but I shy la want to post it here.

Honestly speaking, this post took me 3 months to draft. Blogging from my ipad is proving to be tougher and tougher. But anyway, Alhamdulillah, it has been 8 months now since the engagement. We both shared out engagement with only close friends and family. We didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and just want to keep it simple. 

And ever since then, we’ve settled the bridal, photography and Ahmad’s reception stuff. For me, I’ll just need to confirm my venue and catering in January, InsyaAllah. My baju nikah has also been designed too! Ahmad also settled his baju nikah in Vietnam. (P.S Please lose some weight mudd.) We’re currently still discussing the honeymoon destination hahahahaha.  

It’s gonna be a busy year ahead up to the wedding day and I sure am looking forward to everything that 2019 has in store for us. It may not be easy, but as long as we have faith, we can overcome anything, InsyaAllah! 

Till here, folks! Not sure how long my next hiatus is but honestly, I have a lot I should talk about. Soon.  Soon. 

Byeeee~~~

It has been nothing but a struggle for me.

Trying my best to keep the peace proved to be a tough feat.

Yet, I tried my best to persevere, to hold it together, to be the neutral middle person as best as I can.  

I can never understand what you’re going through and all I can do is sympathize.

You’re both so similarly headstrong and stubborn that it frustrates me 24/7 of the time.

But that’s what family is.

We’ve always had our ups and downs as a family.

But we persevered and got through everything, as a family too.

We’ll get through this together.

I’ll always keep this family in my prayers.

I don’t understand why I am being treated this way.

I don’t understand why you only can see it in one perspective.

I will never say you deserve it but some things you do makes me think that maybe it’s a sign from Him to change your ways before iti’s too late.

I’m not saying I’m a saint. I have my days where I can’t deal with it either.

But at least even I know I’m not as rude to her as you are.

At least I know I don’t hurt her feelings even though she hurts mine all the time.

Ever since those things happened during Ramadhan this year, you get away with so many things now and it’s unfair for me to shoulder things alone.

This past weekend has gotten me more tired than I’ve ever felt.

But I can never say all these to you because of your temper and defensiveness.

At some point, I realized that I got too sick and tired of your attitude that even I let you get away with a lot of things.

But why?

Why do I have to do this too?

I just don’t understand.

Salam!!!

Hellooooo! I’m alive and back on track! Hahahahahaha. Well, first of all, I AM JOBLESS!!!! I decided, after much consideration, planning and careful thinking, to take a break for the whole of July. This is already the end of my second week of break, homaigad time flies so fast when you’re having fun. I’ve been mostly out with friends and Ahmad, and going for interviews. Because I have the luxury of time, I’m actually taking my time in choosing a suitable centre. I’ve been targetting the international schools actually, but so far, there has been no response because it’s the summer break right now. I should have like, applied earlier but I was doing my notice period and I didn’t want to clear leaves just for interviews. Honestly, I regret that now hahaaha but what to do. I’ve been to many interviews I lost count but that’s another story to tell.

Anyway, I am very much focused on enjoying my break as much as I can. Catching up with friends is one of the best things for sure. It’s so nice to know what they’ve been up to and reminisce on younger days slash poly days mostly. I’m turning 27 this year and school years really feel so far away, as though it was a lifetime ago. We’ve been so quickly sucked into working life and dealing with people in general on top of the daily challenges of our respective jobs. And not forgetting the adulthood responsibilities like paying for the bills, supporting the family, saving for the future and so on. Despite that, I am really happy and thankful for what I have achieved in the short 6 years that I’ve been in the education industry. Alhamdulillah. *inserts namaste emoji”

I promised before that I would share what has been happening in my life. Man, where do I start? My previous job at Punggol first then. Wah. What do I say man? When I first joined last year, I was honestly happy and could actually envision myself staying long-term with the company. But then, 2018 came and all of a sudden, it was like BAM in my face. The management suddenly became shitty. I endured this for 4 months and then decided I had enough so I threw the resignation letter on my principal’s table. I was the first to resign, followed by 2 others (LOL). The 2-month notice period also revealed alot of bad things about the company so my decision to leave was definitely a good one and not like, an impulse thing. I timed my leaves to clear such that every week during the notice period, I get a day off or half day off.

Despite the negative experience in the first half of 2018 at this centre, I can’t say I didn’t learn anything either. I learnt the importance of team work and team spirit. The culture of helping each other in a workplace is so, so, so, super duper important. I learnt and reflected on the kind of teacher, mentor and leader I want to see myself become in the future. The best leader (hands down) is definitely the one at PCF. Sigh. Leadership is not an easy role to take, guys. It’s a make it or break it kind of thing.

The last negative thing (and this one really shook me in anger by the way) was when I found out about something on my 2nd last day at the centre. To cut the story short, someone fitnah me la ah. I confronted the director about it but because these two idiots are best friends, the one who fitnah me got away with it. But honestly speaking, why why why would I ever tell someone NOT to become principal at a centre? Who am I? It’s not even in my place to tell that person what to do or not to do. I couldn’t understand why such people exist in the world. Penipu haram betul.

So much for wanting to leave in peace. I was a harmless person there and someone cari pasal with me. You all win company of the year la please. So annoying. But anyway, I’m over all that. Why waste energy holding a grudge right?

So here I am today. Of all the interviews that I went to so far, I liked today’s company the best. The company’s beliefs towards their staff and stakeholders really impressed me. Plus, it was the first time that I had a panel of 2 interviewers at the same time so I could actually assess whether they were both on the same page while they were sharing information about the centre’s operations and stuff like that. So they will get back to me about the remuneration package in a few days. I actually feel now like I should lower my salary expectations. Some companies just cannot pay because they’re not Shaws. Hahahaha.

I was out with Zaff after the interview and while we were having my very late lunch, I received an email. For the position. “Overseas English Teacher”. I was MINDBLOWN. Zaff was beyond excited hahaha. But let me just be clear first: I was shortlisted for an interview je. It’s not like I got the job already. So the overseas posting will be at China and according to the company’s website, it will be at Shenyang/Chengdu. Now, I am familiar with NEITHER. So Zaff and me were Googling it and all during lunch and the train journey home. She was excited for me because it’s a great opportunity. Plus, the remuneration package and benefits were quite good. Accomodation, insurance etc are covered. Quite a good deal right? It’s great to have supportive friends.

Well, it’s even better to learn today that I have a GREAT fiancé. He was like “Whatever the decision, you have my fullest support.” *inserts crying emoji x8843743205839257)

However, I don’t really have my hopes up for this though. I mean, it is still a great opportunity and all and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. But of course, I had my concerns. As this will be a contracted thing of 2 years commitment, what if I breached it at like 1 year? Maybe due to unforeseen circumstances, you’d never know. Nevertheless, if it’s my rezeki to receive this opportunity to grow myself personally and professionally, I will accept it for sure. My friend accepted a job a Sydney but it doesn’t come with benefits like provided accomodation expecially. She had to source out her own accomodation and Sydney is soooo expensive. So yeah, if you’re gonna consider working overseas, the remuneration and benefit package better be attractive.

In other news, or rather, old news (haha), I’ve been engaged for almost 3 months already!!! *inserts shocked emoji* Alhamdulillah! Time really flies, man. Like legit. We are down to...let me count...15 months to the big day! *inserts more shocked emoji* Where has the time gone? It feels like yesterday that we were sitting in W35F secretly stalking each other. I got lucky. Like really lucky and blessed. The wedding plans... Ah, don’t get me started. My savings are not non-existent, but it’s not a substantial amount either. Hahahahaha. But it’s okay. We take it slow, one step at a time. Find a job first, then eat grass till next year. Hahahahaha. I’m kidding. We cleared his side’s reception venue which is a whole package at Concorde Hotel. I’ve settled the deposit for the bridal services already too. Currently, we’re deciding on a photography company and because he’s leaving it to me to decide cause it’s kinda my area of expertise in a certain sense, I’m feeling the pressure a little hahaha. It’s okay. All will be well, InsyaAllah. Gotta have faith in my decision making skills.

Okay, it’s really late already. I’m screwed if I were to start working soon cause my body clock switches off like in the wee hours of the morning. Not enough rest like that. I have to clean the house too in the morning so I better go. Wow, it really feels so good to be able to blog again. Yay! Till next time then. Salam!

Over a month late but better late than never, right?

Alhamdulillah! We’re officially engaged!

I’ve actually got lots to update. It’s been a while since I last blogged/posted.

But it’s not only because I was busy, but because I couldn’t figure out how to blog from my iPad. 

*insert noob emoji here*

My style has always been to include a picture with my posts but Blogger just could NOT access my iPad photo stream. 

So, I dragged on and on from last year till now.

Update: My Macbook finally died on me. My last post was before it died hahaha.

But anyway, I finally figured it out on my iPad!

So, here’s my favourite engagement film photo that my sis took of us on 29th April.

That day was just perfectly magical.

*heart eyes*

I’ll be back with proper long updates because I just miss blogging in general.

So much has happened so I’ve gotta put all that down in words. 

This blog has been my diary for almost 10 years now.

And over the years, I blogged less hahaha.

Wow, adulthood is hard.

Till next time. 

Play That Song

I don't know why I'm here, but I am. Especially at this time. I should be sleeping, catching up with sleep instead of.... doing work.

My life is consumed with work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But I feel like I need some kind of purpose now because it's the same old mundane routine every single day. I've got the job I always wanted. I worked so hard to get here. I've almost got my Bachelor's Degree. Alhamdullilah for all these accomplishments. But tonight, as I sit and do my work (damn you portfolios), I found myself asking "Now what?". What's my next step? Where do I go from here? What do I really want to do now?

The past only God knows how many years, I've busied myself with chasing my dreams, studying and working at the same time that now I have all this "loose" time, I don't actually know what to do with it. Next year, InsyaAllah, will be another "loose" year because I have no plans to study again. So, point is, I don't know what to do but I just want to do something meaningful. I feel like there's so much more to just teaching/doing what I do (now that it's childcare). I just feel like there's more that I can do, there's more that I can offer to people.

Also, I'm picky about what I do with my time. It's annoying. It's like, I wanna do something meaningful but I don't want to tire myself out because there's work the next day. *rolls eyes* I prioritize work so much I should win an award or something.

I just want to get to the end of this year and move forward. Graduation, the show, the concert, the final PTC. There's so many things to deal with until the end of the year, I feel suffocated just thinking about it.

I don't even know what I'm talking about and I'll probably wake up tomorrow and read this and think, "Wow, Faz's thoughts are messed up at night".

Bye.

Play that song

The one that makes me go all night long

The one that makes me think of you

That's all you gotta do

You Don't Know

So jealous that my sis gets to do this again in Phuket

T.T

Not in the best of moods tonight.
Plus with the work piling up because I'm not catching up with anything,
it's adding more stress to my plate.
You can do this, Faz.
This is nothing like what the other 2 centres were like.
Have faith.
Believe.
Breathe.

I know you've got the best intentions 

Just trying to find the right words to say 

Promise I've already learned my lesson 

But right now, I wanna be not okay

You Are My Everything

Current series I'm watching. Obsessed.

This is so last year though but who cares.

Salam!

It's been a while, I think. I can finally say I'm pretty much happy with the new workplace. Alhamdulillah. After one bad egg, lol. But it's okay. I can see that the leaders here are professional and hey, my principal treated the teachers' lunch yesterday as a reward for our efforts last Friday. We had a project showcase for the parents. But anyway, all is well. Everything is back to normal for me. I have my days though. Lazy to go to work days, can money just drop from the sky as I lie on my bed mornings. Hahahaha. Every working adult goes through that and I have been for like, 6 years now? Time flies when you're really busy. Wow.

Actually, I'm really busy with work right now but I just finished submitting like 3 of my work related stuff so I can afford just a quick drop in here. Hahaha.

Oh, yes! Selamat hari raya Aidilfitri! This year, some things are different. We've all lost people we love and it is occasions like these that we really feel their absence. I was feeling very emotional the night before Eid because of my grandpa. It still feels like a gaping hole but we all heal. And with my graduation drawing close, I kept remembering his last advice to me. Never will forget the pride in his voice.

Okay, Imma go before I get too carried away!

Byeeee! Salam! Be in the best of health, InsyaAllah!

P.S The show ^ relighted my obsession with men in military uniforms. There's just something about the uniforms that make them so hot hahahaha. 

You are my everything

In the fate that falls like the stars

I met a person like you

SaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSave

The Night We Met

13 Reasons Why

Clay and Hannah

This song from this scene has been on repeat since I binge watched this series on Netflix. Truly heartbreaking, this one is. I cried like a baby. So relatable. :(

Salam!

It has clearly been a rough start of the year for me. I know the last time I posted, I mentioned positivity at my new workplace. Well, I could never be more wrong. I said it too soon, I guess. Barely 6 months with Shaws, and I'm jobless now. Not because I was fired, but because I resigned, for so many reasons. But the most important reason is the management and leadership in the company. Throughout my time with them, I saw and experienced things that I could never possibly imagine to happen in PCF. There was zero professionalism, zero integrity and zero honesty in this company's management system. And by that, I mean the people. In my last post, when I said positivity in my new workplace, I think I meant my colleagues. They're all good people, and they believe in helping each other. Which I now feel is so important in order to battle the tyranny that is the leader.

I'm sorry, I'm just letting out my hard feelings about this company. I can't say I regret joining Shaws because it has made me learn so much about myself; what kind of person I want to be in a workplace. What kind of leader I don't want to be, if the opportunity ever opens up to me. How important teamwork and moral support is in a team. Back in PCF, I had a really, really good support system and leadership. Comparing that to this at Shaws, well, the difference is vast when it comes to the leadership component. Unfortunately, the support system isn't strong enough to fight back against the leader. Probably the only way is to leave if you can't take it anymore. 

Right after I gave my resignation, it's like Allah was showing me even more reasons why this place wasn't good for me because of all the things that happened right after. One after another, the events that happened not just to me but to the other teachers too. Plus, more evidence as to why the leadership is lousy and unprofessional. 

Nevertheless, I found good friends here. We provided the support we needed to each other and grew closer eventually. They were sad to see me go, of course. On my last day, we were all in a group hug and it was all I could do to fight back the tears. I didn't really feel as much loss as I felt for PCF, but I definitely felt something for these teacher friends I made. We have a lot of plans to meet up again so I'll be seeing them again.

I am not exactly jobless though. I searched for other teaching positions during my notice period and managed to get one with a direct bus route to and back. Singaporean company, of course. I've had enough working with expats and in-betweens to last me a while. Hopefully, this company will play nice. Praying hard because I really don't want to keep job hopping. I need the income because face it, this is Singapore. 

I chose the picture above because this is one series that is very raw and real. I don't quite know how to explain it. The series touched on many teenage issues like bullying, slut shaming, rape and most importantly, suicide. These are still happening everywhere and it's horrible. There are so many lessons to take away from this show. I read the comments online and people were saying things like how the show was glorifying suicide. But that's not the point of the show! Some people are so annoying. Watch it for yourself and keep an open mind. 

The lesson I learnt from this show? Speak up. If you're facing trouble, talk to someone about it. There will always be someone there for you. Be kind to people. You don't know what they may be going through.

Shaws needs to watch this show. Naw, they're too busy with their own personal agendas to bother. But now, I'm free from them and I couldn't be happier. I just hope my friends in there have the strength to pull through to the end of the year. 

Okay, that's it! I better stop hahaha. Look at the time! I start my new job on the 2nd of May. So, I have 2 days of break left and I have housework to do tomorrow (Sunday). So I better go.

Hope life isn't too cruel to you (if I still have readers). I know I had a rough start but I'm hopeful that it'll all get better. One bad egg in the basket doesn't make all the others bad too. I've got to keep searching and have faith that there are still good people in the world.

Be safe and in the best of health! Salam!

When the night was full of terrors 

And your eyes were filled with tears 

When you had not touched me yet 

Oh, take me back to the night we met 

I had all and then most of you

Some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

Take me back to the night we met

Say You Won't Let Go

2012

2015

2016

Salam!

I know it's been ages since I last posted. I was hoping that working at Shaws now would give me more time for myself and the things I used to want to do or used to do. It has already been one month since I joined Shaws and boy, what a busy month that had been. It was craaaaayzeeeeee. I swear, joining PCF at first wasn't this overwhelming. The information that I was packed with on the first day was already much. The trainings itself (5 sessions in total) were a different story. So, so, so, toooooo much information to absorb in just that 5 sessions. And they weren't hands on enough for us to fully grasp and understand how to execute.The curriculum head was really nice and approachable though, so I don't have much concerns in that area.

Anyway, let's talk about the above pictures but first, let me laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Look at my kental 2012 face. Now I can see why the parents don't take me seriously or don't think I am of "good enough" teaching calibre. I look bloody 15. I guess makeup really helps to mature you up. Cannot believe I just said that, hahaha. Who would have thought right? I used to hate makeup so much. Now I depend on it to LOOK ALIVE. I look dead almost all the time. But anyways, the changes from 2012 to 2016. Tudung style also changed, guys. 2016's was my own creation k, I'm so proud of that. Really can pretend I have long hair anytime can just "flips hair" just that it's tudung. But you get what I mean. I couldn't find 2013's picture, and 2014's photo company was shitty so we never got our solo photos. My point is, SO LONG PCF! BYE.

My new workplace has been great, so far. The support I've received from my new colleagues has been so great. Although now, on top of wearing eyeliner, I have to wear lipstick. "Bright red", at that. It's sort of like a requirement by the principal. I initially had an issue with it because obviously I don't wear lipstick. *rolls eyes* But I went to get one anyway, a cheap one 'cause it's just for work right. By 1pm, I wipe it off cause lipstick dries out my lips. However! I've been very into this brand called Nudestix. I have 2 of their lip + cheek pencils and I looooooooooove them!!!! They feel great on my lips and don't dry them out. Unfortunately, the colours I have are almost the same as my lip colour so it's unacceptable at work. *rolls eyes* So I'm saving up to get the red Nudestix one. Teehee!

But honestly, that's about all I wear. My morning routine is just Fair & Lovely cream on my face, then Innisfree powder (this is another favourite) and eyeliner. I put on the lipstick (Silkygirl *rolls eyes*) at work. Just this routine makes my face look more alive hahahaha.

Why am I talking about makeup hahahaha

Anywaysssss.........2017!

Wow, how time flies! I hope it'll be a good year, InsyaAllah. 2016 had its own ups and downs, friendships lost and gained, financial worries, getting my 2nd last module done, meeting a huge cat that more or less is like the cat I lost, my first band concert ever, spending zero overnight stays at work to do work (WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT. The K2 camp is not counted.) and love. Lots and lots of love. 7th year with the beloved. And loving 31 children individually, immense love for each and everyone of them. I can't even express my love for them enough, the way I'm so attached to them that even now, in a new environment with new children, I still think of them. Moral of the story: Don't get too attached to someone, they have that much power to break your heart. It's so hard to let go. :(

Anyway, this year will be a year for positivity. I've seen a lot of positivity at my new workplace and I'm hopeful that it can make me a better, stronger and more capable educator. Last year, I was all for catching up with friends and I'm pretty satisfied with what I've achieved so far. So, I'm curious and looking forward to what 2017 will bring me. InsyaAllah, it'll be good.

7 more months to the 8th year, like wow, time flies. *inserts shocked face* InsyaAllah, many more milestones to achieve. So blessed, so so blessed. ^.^

My sis was suggesting recently that I create a blog about my job. Like, name it something like "Letters to Parents" from a teacher's perspective. She said this because of the stuff I've been ranting and complaining about over the years. I actually think it's a good idea, but executing it would be different. I'm gonna see how this will work on top of my workload. Hahahaha.

John Legend's Love Me Now has been playing in my head since he released it. His baby is adorable in the MV. *heart eyes*

Okay, time to bobok! Stay safe this new year and be healthy, InsyaAllah!

I'm so in love with you

And I hope you know

Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold

We've come so far my dear

Look how we've grown

And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old

Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go

SaveSaveSaveSave

Mercy

Salam!

October didn't begin to easily for me. I was on one day of MC and the next 2 days gave me a lot of trouble. My career almost took a hard downfall, I was stressed out of my mind. Alhamdulillah, that's all over and everything's good now. I've been living the past 2 weeks in constant fear for my career but, it all turned out to be a waste of time. I even had a terrible nightmare! I'm just relieved it's all over and I can move forward. We can ALL move on with our lives. It's a good thing that I'm leaving too, I don't actually want to face them all next year. Call me a coward, but they'll just be a constant reminder of what happened.

But of course, I learnt my lesson. It was, indeed, a lesson learnt the extremely hard way. Did I also mention that I almost lost my entire career? Yep, that bad. It will be something that I would always be conscious of and never repeat.

It's the last 3 weeks of the term. I've got lots of paperwork to rush on top of my portfolios. My portfolios are running well so far. I'm glad and relieved that I had an early start on it so I'm basically just filling up the holes at the moment. Pretty satisfied with my work speed at the moment, which is why I can't stay long.

I also just submitted my letter of resignation. It was sitting in my dropbox for more than a month or less or so. Admin asked me why I was in such a rush to leave when I can do it in January so that I can keep my bonus. So I told her money is money, you can get it anywhere and it doesn't really matter to me that it's an "entitlement". I just wanna get out of there, especially since December will be a heavy month of moving and setting up the classroom all freaking over again. *rolls eyes* I'd rather not do that again. So, this is me rolling out.

Anyway, I'm doing the one month notice period already and well, I can't wait to just get out of there and start anew. Regardless of whether the new place will be as good to me as 135 had been these past 5 years, I'll brace whatever challenges ahead because I know, that's how I will grow as a teacher and as an individual. I want to keep making a difference in the little ones' lives and that's where you will always find me. For now.

InsyaAllah, it will all be better. That's all for now.

PS. Ahmad's in Indo now, prolly having the time of his life. I can't wait for my turn next year, InsyaAllah.

Till the next post, be always in the best of health. InsyaAllah. (:

Please have mercy on me

Take it easy on my heart

Even though you don't mean to hurt me

You keep tearing me apart