Don't Say It's Too Late

Salam!

I'm so sorry for the lack of updates. Well, if anyone's still reading, hahaha. Life's been hard lately, as usual, rushing deadlines and all that. I'm so proud of the fact that I have never once submitted an assignment late. Hopefully, it stays that way. But lately, my workload has been piling up, I've been talked about behind my back, and I've been in such a low mood lately. My appetite's suddenly so poor, I don't know what the hell happened. Sometimes, I feel like eating, and when I don't but still have to eat for energy, I feel like throwing up. And on top of that, I've been really, really negative. Everyday, after I do my Isyak prayers, I end up crying. On Thursday night, I got home late because I was from Kerbau Road so I decided to do my prayers in the TV room so as not to disturb the sleeping people in my sis's room. I cried during my do'a and eventually fell asleep on my sejadah. Sigh.

So, I get to meet Ahmad today (yay!) and after GSM rehearsal, we lunched together with my sis at Tekka Market. I like that my sis is more open to talk to him now. And vice versa for him. He used to be so shy towards my family members. Okay la, I'm also very shy towards his, so, fair la okay.

So, after my sis left to meet my mum and aunt at Bugis, Ahmad and me headed for Admiralty for the show I was performing for. We talked and caught up as usual, I love talking to him. He's one of the few people I know who could tolerate my nonsensical, unnecessary, tak perlu, kadang2 merepek comments. But sometimes, when I push it too far (like just now), he gets pissed, I think. You can just tell from his face, he just doesn't want to say anything.

Anyway, what I wanted to highlight on was something he said but I can't remember exactly when: before or after the show.

Remember I mentioned being emo and negative and stuff. Well, it was about something we discussed before. So today, I was going all negative again about it and he went something along the lines of, "Don't say like that la. You know your words pon do'a."

When it hit me, it shut me up.

So I thought, why am I like this? Because he's right. I need to have faith. In Allah, in him, in myself, and in us. :)

I guess that's about it. I'm pretty overwhelmed by my workload right now because about 15 minutes ago, Ruth texted me for the Target Setting deadline being on Monday, 12pm. Bugger. I totally wanna cry right now. Assignment not done, portfolios halfway done and this target setting. Ugggghhhhhhh.

Maybe this was why I felt sickly the entire week.

'cause this is so damn true. Sigh.

And now. the hills are getting hard to climb

I'm runnin out of time

My decisions are pending on you

And I will accept the blame

For burnin' out the flame

Hoping the story will twist once again

And if I could turn back the time

I would put you first in my life

Awesome Sunday with the usual ladies. We're gonna have a secret, surprise post-birthday celebration for Dia too! :3

He's just sugar, spice and everything nice.

We were sort of arguing before he posted this.

Me and my insecurities. Forever la, Faz. Hahaha.

But I hereby declare that I've got the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.

& maybe back in secondary school, I had those fantasies about rich and handsome and muscular boyfriends but now, I realize how childish that was.

Love isn't all about looks.

Love is accepting the other for who they truly are, for their flaws, and still being able to love them the same way.

I just can't see it any other way.

Thank you, love. :3

Salam!

I know it's been a loôöòóng time since the last time I posted. I know, I know. I'm sorry. I kept wanting to blog, a lot has been happening but I. JUST. DON'T. HAVE. THE. TIME. Because I was chasing down an assignment deadline. Art. 8 pieces of art, each piece consisting of 2 different techniques across 4 themes. On top of that, 3 essays and a lesson plan Not funny, let me just tell you that. But luckily, I planned my time well (getting better now, Mr. Procrastinator slowly dissolving) and managed to complete everything on time.  I should include that collage of my artworks. 

Ta-raaaa!!! I'm pretty proud of the seahorse and that Saturn planet. The Saturn planet was a totally last minute idea. And while I did it, I watched 3 Vampire Diaries Season 3 episodes. And the outcome! Fuyoooo, it took my breath away! Alhamdulillah, finally it's over and I can move on. :3

So, after thinking about the past week for a long time, I suddenly remembered the quote above. Why should I back down because one person makes me unhappy? It's time I learnt to stand up for myself and quit being stepped on all the time. I've been stepped on for as long as I can remember, and it's time that I stand my ground and voice out my opinions. It's gonna take a lot of time for me to build the confidence but I will have to do it eventually. I'm not gonna spend the next 2 years being bullied around. I can see the other seniors are starting to open up to me so it's kind of a good sign. Still, it doesn't mean I should let my guard down. In this line, I've gotta always watch my back. At least now, I'm starting to feel like I belong, because of the moral support my other colleagues give me in times of stress. I've been here for 9 months and it was only 2 months ago that I started to feel like I finally have a friend at work. Although I filter some of my feelings back then, now that Jeanne is here too, I'm starting to have more fun at work compared to last year. Plus, my cute bunch of children make work all the more fun. Well, that's when they behave and teacher is not angry. Hahaha! But really, once they have settled into the day, I just find myself sitting back and looking at them and thinking, "How cute and innocent can they be?"

So, I need to always remind myself, I've been through many ups and downs to get to where I am now, so I shouldn't be backing down when I'm facing a wall that wouldn't budge. Instead, I should be looking for ways to go around it, over it, under it, whatever goes, but I should never, ever give up. I should start standing up for myself, my beliefs and values. And no matter what, I know my family and loved ones will always be there for me. :3

So, wish me luck in filling up 18 portfolios with photos for the next 2 weeks. My arms are getting tired. Plus, my P.E assignments aren't done yet. Heh. Started already laaaa. 

I always feel better after I talk to Ahmad about my problems. He feels like the older brother I never had, in a boyfriend. Thank you, dearest. :3

Whenever I'm having a tough day, all I have to do is browse through my camera roll to look at the screenshots I have of our conversations or his instagram of me or just simply photos of him. Just that makes me feel at least a little better. :):3

I've had my patience tested today. I won't talk about it because it has already been settled. But nevertheless, it has still taught me a valuable lesson. Just because you are really tired with all your workload, it does not, I repeat, does NOT mean that you can push the blame to others without clarification. Yes, I may not have such a heavy workload as you, but don't forget: I am also a student myself. I have assignments and deadlines to meet on top of the deadlines given from work. If you had organized your work better, maybe you wouldn't have so much things to do. If you hadn't bullied others, maybe they wouldn't have left the workplace and left YOU with even more work to do. Anyone can see that this is your karma. I don't know who to trust at my workplace, really. I've come to trust Rachelle, but I'm still so, so, so afraid. I hate people who stab me in the back. It just really hurts. Sigh.

I don't know them that well, but I also don't wanna get to know them. As in, the senior ones. Rachelle always encourages me to speak up and always tell Ruth my side of the story. Because she said Ruth can be trusted. Sigh. I dunno la.