fazlun

2012-02-11T21:00:00.000+08:00

She was looking really fabulous last night. & I had fun people-watching with her while we sat and ate. TK was the MC, and he was pretty awesome. He's like a natural, and I won't be surprised if one day he appears on TV. :D

So anyway, last night was fun except the part where we had to wait for the dance floor segment to end so we could get on with the lucky draw. They all danced for one hour! Gosh. Sadia kept going from us back to dance floor back to us again then back to dance floor again. Repeatedly. It's so funny! & Haz was super paranoid with the way she looked. Sigh. The next time I will see her dress up so fab is on her wedding day. Haiya....

Anyway, I was so tired this morning I had to drag my feet out the door to go for Balinese rehearsal. Serious, sheesh, serious. I even didn't know what time it was. Ahmad called when I was at the circle line platform at Paya Lebar and I was talking like a person who just woke up from sleep. & I was confidently saying, "I will reach there no later than 1.30." Padahal dah 2 o'clock! He pointed that out and I was like so paiseh! HAHA!

Habib and Shyme are chasing each other in and out of the room as I'm typing here. Sungguh irritating. Texted Liyana earlier, been a while since I met that girl. It's hard to meet up with friends when you're working or when you have a busy schedule. It sucks even more when you try to fit them in your schedule and they complain that you're not trying hard enough. It sucks more than that when they say you have more time for your other friends than them. What's wrong with you people, honestly? Dah bagos orang nak tepikan time untuk kau, tak tau bersyukur pe?

Anyway, had a long chat with Liyana. Really miss her. Been a while since we went to lepak at Ya Kun @ Changi Airport. Haha. That's like our standard place to lepak. Sit like nyonya, drink kopi ke milo, gossip-gossip. :D

Okay, I'm actually multi-tasking between typing here and doing my Business Finance UT3 notes. I just realized exactly how much formulas I have to understand again. Gawd, I regret taking this module. When I thought there won't be any calculations, there is! Plus using excel as well. Like what the.... I can't even.....

My first class ever on Monday. Balinese performance at Canadian International School on Wednesday. Shall bring laptop on Tuesday before GA practice to continue doing whatever notes I have left.

I'm scared. I'm just really scared.

2012-02-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

You're still the best that I'll ever have.

2012-02-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

"Relationships fall and whither because eventually someone stops trying and it doesn't feel the same. The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets to busy, or doesn't even bother to try. You know why? Because they're comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. Can you keep up? If you can then you'll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren't afraid to lose them because they're yours. Arguing leads to fighting and it just gets worse from there. It all flashes by so fast. So, cherish what you have."

Cause it's true. Cause that's what I'm beginning to feel.

Cause I just need to be sure that us is really what you want.

Cause I don't want to get hurt. I just really don't.

It's scary when you've been in a relationship for so long. I am happy, I sure as anything am happy. But to look to the future is a whole different thing. It scares me. I don't know what is in store for us. I don't know how long more we will last. It's not that I have doubts, it's just this nagging feeling like, "Shouldn't this be about the time that they actually get tired? Oh no, I don't want to get hurt." kinda thing. I cherish us, I love us, I want this to last. I sure as hell want this to last. But I guess it's just a girl thing to feel insecure sometimes.

I told myself whatever happens in the future, I'll accept it. Because if it was meant to be, it will be. All I'm afraid of is getting hurt. Well, I guess this truly is love.

Sometimes I just wanna tell you, you deserve better.

2012-02-06T22:14:00.000+08:00

Saturday: It was okay. But because I was using energy since morning, by evening, I was already tired and even got too emotional when my family pissed me off over the phone. But anyway, Gamelan @ The Gardens was nice. I pretty much screwed up Kupu Kuwi with my super FAIL interlocking with Lina. Sigh. But at least we knew to keep going. But one thing to note is the fact that Botanical Gardens changed so much since the last time I was there, which was in Primary 5. & I suck for not bring any of my cameras that day. The scenery and lighting were absolutely perfect for a nice portrait. Sigh.

Today, was the last lesson of Hospitality and Tourism Management. Sure, there is a couple or two people that I didn't particularly like in that class, but the module was a useful one. Honestly, I learnt a lot from it and I think I don't regret taking it now. But still, the last lesson of the module in a semester is always an emotional one, especially when the class is attached to the teacher. He was a great storyteller, if not a draggy one, but it's from this kind of elderly teachers that we should look up to and learn from them because they've experienced so much more than us.

After the outing and lunch with dearest Faleela, I called Haz when she permitted it and found out that the class assigned to me is the "most well-behaved class", which is the most sarcastic way of putting it. Just my luck to have a naughty class as my first assignment. Baik uh, Mr.Jaffar, terima kasih la banyak-banyak. -.- Looks like I'll have to imagine this lot of kids in front of me when I'm teaching later: Farah + Nabilah + Keisha + Zahir + Ari + Maman + Daus. This is the only group that can get me really angry when they're together. We'll see how it goes. I'll just remain as optimistic as I can.

I just realized today that ever since secondary school, I've always tried not to show my weaknesses to people around me. I don't know why, but it's only today that I realized it. I put up a strong front and keep smiling, and when I'm at my worst state, be it in the mental or physical sense, I refuse to let people see me as weak.

Is that pride?

Well, bye then. See you in the next post. Till then, I hope you'll all be in the best of health. :)

2012-02-03T22:45:00.000+08:00

2 Fridays I have spent crying for you. I wonder again why you even came back a year ago. If you weren't planning to stay, why did you even show up? I could live with another 10 years of waiting for your return but I can't live with you walking out again. I know the reasons why you won't come see us again, but still, we're family. We're still family no matter what happened 13 years ago. It's so hard trying to live with the state this family is in right now. I still blame her. Always her. If it wasn't for her, maybe my grandpa would still be living with us.

But I guess it's already written in fate, that this was meant to happen to our family. Whatever la. This will be the last time I'm weeping for you. You can come and go as you wish, I'll just have to learn to block the pain every time you fade in and out of our lives. I've got better things to worry about anyway.

This is it. The last lap. Once this final week is over, one week later is the UT week, and then, I am done.

Cannot wait.

The Distance

2012-01-28T22:54:00.000+08:00

At Pavillion, Forever21

In the bus on the way home. Massage Coach bro! :D

Nabilah bilah bilah.

& of course, the dearest cats who got left behind. :(

Luckily Nafisah was able to take care of them. Hee.

This picture was taken when she came over to feed them and they both actually just woke up from sleeping. Cute or whuutttt.

It was a good trip, although I wasn't fully satisfied with the shopping at Masjid India. AND! I STILL didn't get my A & W. Sigh. I couldn't bring back much Oleh-Oleh (LOL) also. Hopefully we're really going back there in a few months again and I'll have more time to save up for it.

Okay then. 1 and a half more weeks till school is semi-officially over. Heehee. Going to the career fair on Tuesday with Hazzy Wazzy dearest. Woohoo!

SECRET CIRCLE EP 13 WHY YOU NO COME OUT? :(

I can't take the distance

I can't take the miles

I can't take the time till I next see you smile

I can't take the distance

I'm not ashamed that with every breath I take

I'm calling your name

Next To You

2012-01-21T21:46:00.003+08:00

Hello hello kopi ke milo?!

I'm going off to KL tomorrow with my family, and Hippo and umm...cubs. HAHA. I pray for the journey to be a safe and smooth one. Amin. :)

Anyway, for whoever who still reads my blog at all, I'm sorry for not updating as frequent as I used to, or updating with emotional, sad stuff. It's just that the past month has been a rocky sea for me. I've been over-thinking, too much actually (I always do, anyway.) and it affected my feelings too badly. When I sent out that email, it brought me to tears. I didn't think that things would be reduced to this state. It took a lot of courage, but I don't regret it. Maybe someday, I'll find better courage to do something more than that. Other than that, I've been very sensitive this month. It's only January, and there were so many times my feelings got hurt, either intentionally or unintentionally. I don't really care, I shrug it off all the time, but usually, I suffer for just that moment. Sucks to be me, huh? But hey, I'm gonna be stronger this year. I won't let anybody bring me down this time. I've made mistakes and I learnt the lessons behind them. I won't repeat the same mistakes, that's for sure.

After the CNY weekend, it will be Week 14 of the academic calendar, which only means that it will soon be the end of Year 3 in RP. Well, not counting the UTs that come after the study week. Still, it's the end, finally the end of my life in RP, Insyallah. After that, I can finally pursue my dreams. Insyallah. Like my sis said, I am the fire starter of this dream of ours, she and Nafisah are the wood to keep that fire going. I honestly can't wait for that part of my life slash dream to start. :D

I'll be going to Graduation Night aka A Night To Remember on February 10 with a small group of friends, woohoo! Haz has been stressing over the dress but then decided to wear something she already owned. The same goes for me. The theme is 80s, what the heck am I supposed to wear? Haha, ohwells.

Sooooo, I've been hooked to this series called The Secret Circle the past week, thanks to Faleela who introduced it to me. I am addicted to it. I realize I have a thing for the spooks. Like umm, vampires, witches and demonic shows. The Secret Circle is about witches, and is so DARK. But! Check this out.

Thomas Dekker

This guy is really sexy, lips-smacking, jaw-dropping, sexy in the show. He has that emo kid aura, especially with the eyeliner. Unless, it's not eyeliner and he really originally has thick lashes. Sexy, seriously, I swear. Okay, dah.

I guess I'm just in a good mood today to be posting about so much things. Well, I guess my blog is just an outlet for my feelings. It's really been a while since I posted this much about what's happening in my life. Oh! I should mention that Ummi Aisyah came by last night. She arrived in Singapore on Monday for just a week. But still, she was willing to come to my house at 12 midnight, so what does that mean? Heh heh. Anyway, I listened to Ummi Aisyah and Fidtriah talk about Ummi Wahidah and all the things she did to the entire family. I really, really hope Ummi Wahidah comes to her senses. Sigh.

Okay then, till here. I still haven't packed for tomorrow's trip and we're departing in the morning. HAHA. Anyway, I stumbled upon something that pretty much sums up how I feel about Ahmad. :3

"When I’ve been distressed, or hurt, or disappointed in my friends and in myself, you have stayed on the line to comfort me. You’re never afraid of silences. When I hang up you wait a minute and call right back, without a word of resentment or criticism, just quiet understanding. It’s as if you can sense what I’m feeling and you know just when to call. The most extraordinary thing about you is that as much as I push you away in my spells of anger or distress, you’ll stay right there, unmoving. You’re so stubbornly devoted to me that I wish every day that I had the same patience, wisdom and integrity as you. Never a single grudge have you held. Not once. Not ever. I know I haven’t been easy, but you always help me come round. Sometimes I fear I have little to give you in return for your enduring kindness and love. I can be cold, distant, reactive. I know that you find my conflicted nature challenging, but you never give up on me, even long after I’ve decided to give up on myself. With gentle, firm words you tell me to snap out of it. That’s all I ever needed. Thank you. I don’t know what else to say."

Thank you, Ahmad Mustaqim, for your endless patience with me. I've always admired you for it. :3

One day when the sky is falling

I'll be standing right next to you

Right next to you

2012-01-15T21:13:00.001+08:00

I'm happy.

I sometimes think I am.

But sometimes, I still get swallowed by the guilt.

Regret.

What happened to us was unfair and uncalled for.

& till now, I don't really know what to do.

I hate being alone with my thoughts.

3 more weeks of school, exams, and I'm done.

& then, I'll find the answers, for real this time.

2012-01-06T07:32:00.001+08:00

This is all I care about right now.

Getting the songs right.

Playing them right.

& kicking ass for the show.

I don't usually allow myself to get affected by things that people say.

But it happened twice yesterday.

& it was more than I could take.

I'm really, really tired.

This time, I really am.

2011-12-31T23:30:00.000+08:00

My favourite shot out of all the photos.

So, 2011 is ending in 30 minutes' time. I'm just here to write my last post in 2011. Ya know, feeling feeling last day of the year. I enjoyed the past few days actually. Awesome BBQ at Kang's place at Cashew Heights, exchanging gifts with GA for the first time, watching Ahmad get thrown in the pool, staying home the whole day for once, photo-shoot at Fort Canning, walking around Orchard with the girls, gamelan in the morning, catching up with who-else-but-Liyana-Ali, wandering around the airport, long talks at Ya Kun. Bliss, bliss, bliss.

This year has been fun, although I must say there were those few times that really brought me down. You lose some, you gain some. I'll just let nature take its course. If it's meant to be, it will be. :)

One important thing I learnt this year is that when life knocks you down, you have to just get back up. There were too many times when I felt like I just got slammed in the face by a wall because reality can be so cruel, but then I learnt, I just had to be strong. I can really say that the weakest I've ever felt this year was on Reflections day. No doubt that I'd always remember that day. Sometimes, it automatically replays in my head whenever I'm alone. Even now, I still can't believe it happened. Many things changed since then, although it wasn't that obvious, but, well, it is to me. But then from that experience, I learnt that even though it hit me so hard in the chest, there was no turning back because the damage was done. I just had to move on. So I did.

I had to move on from a lot of things this year. Seriously.

Well, here's to the new year. Every end of the year, I always wish for the same thing: to be stronger than I was the year before. I don't know if I have this year, but I guess only Allah has the answer to that.

Well then, happy new year one and all! :)

(Habib is looking out of the window right now, same usual position. Such a k-po cat.)

2011-12-22T01:03:00.002+08:00

I don't know why.

But it's not like it can stop.

I really miss spending my time with this guy.

FYP really sucks.

I'd rather have internship, seriously, but it's too late.

2011-12-13T23:33:00.000+08:00

I won't give up.

It still brings me down, but I keep telling myself to hang on.

Because this is my test.

I need to realize that even though I was given these problems,

I still have very good people around me.

A good family.

& a whole bunch of good friends.

I wonder now why I kept it a secret for three years.

But under different circumstances, the outcome would have been different.

But I guess I'll just go with the flow.

Through this, I'll know who was real and who was fake.

2011-12-06T23:28:00.001+08:00

I shouldn't be here, especially at this time, 'cause I have to meet Mirah at 9am tomorrow. But I just feel like posting something after so long of not blogging. [Sorry for that, Haz. Hehe.]

Well, to start off, FYP is making me absolutely miserable. Because of the terrible reviews from the evaluator during the Mid-Sem Evaluation, we had to split the work equally so now I have more to do. It's almost the end of Week 9 and I've been staying up so late since last week to try and code everything. So far, so good, until today, something went wrong and my create_album.php and do_create_album.php did not work. I was just about to start on the upload_photos code. Damn suay. So I'm relying on Mirah tomorrow to help me. Sigh.

This week's plan was to skip every Gamelan practice there is so that I could concentrate on my coding and this was a good idea. Although the codes don't work, for now, at least I'm halfway through. I just need another week, so most probably, next week I'll skip practices too.

Anyway, if Ahmad didn't send me his advanced 28th month wish slash message, I would not have remembered at all. But well, heh. It's kinda hard to believe it's the 28th month tomorrow, OUR 28th month. I'm like, so fast? It feels like yesterday that we were classmates, and played Blind Man with Syai and the rest of W35F melayus. It feels like yesterday that he shipped himself off to Sydney and left me stuck with Balinese but which I truly love later on. & not forgetting that just last Saturday, I sat in the same car as his parents and had mini-conversations with them. So, we're kinda even now. Meet-the-parents sessions: checked.

It's kinda amazing how fast time flies. We've known each other since poly started for us. Sometimes, I myself can't believe it. You know, that we lasted this long, after everything we've been through. Hell yeah man, we've been through so much, I can't believe we actually made it this far. But hey, who's complainin'?

I know there's no such thing as perfect. I know how girls always talk about how perfect their boyfriends are and how they think he's the one and yada yada. I find that annoying sometimes. Am I like that? Pardon me if I am because sometimes, I get into the 'so in love' mode, I get carried away. Haha.

Truth is, I don't hope for anything. At all. I'm serious. People have asked me, "Then what's the point of you being in a relationship with him?" I say, "Jodoh di tangan Allah." If it's meant to be, it will be. :) It's not that I don't think he's the one. I think that I'm not good enough for him. That is why I'm trying to be a better person. You know, more positivity *hint hint*, less negativity. It will be hard but I'll try.

That being said, I'm gonna go off to sleep now. Ahmad Mustaqim, the past month has been a revelation for me too. It's something we've never done for each other but just till that point of time, it became important. I hope it never stops. Thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, thank you. :3

Relationships must be like the relationship between hand & eyes. If hand gets hurt, eyes cry, & if the eyes cry, the hand wipes its tears.

2011-11-21T23:14:00.001+08:00

I want to be able to smile the way I do whenever he's around.

Believe me, I've tried so hard to be strong.

I really have.

I've been so emotional ever since that day.

Like, the slightest thing could just set me off.

Or ruin the rest of my day.

Because ever since that day,

all the walls I worked so hard to build the past 3 years,

went crashing down.

The walls that protected me from the things people say,

the walls that kept me from being close to people because they'd end up leaving me,

the walls that protected my heart from getting hurt,

the walls that helped me prevent history from repeating itself,

the walls that cushioned the pain each time I receive a blow,

the walls that prevented me from feeling things I didn't want to feel,

These walls, are gone.

Everything, everyday, affects me greatly now.

It doesn't matter what.

Even the smallest thing upsets me.

I used to be stronger.

Now, I don't have the strength to stay strong.

If I get through a day, it's nothing but a miracle.

& I'm always thankful for that.

Still, if only I had been more careful.

If.

Only.

I feel guilty.

I still do.

2011-11-12T21:41:00.001+08:00

Hello! I am back after such a hectic week. Yes, I was at USS the whole of yesterday and slept over at Hard Rock Hotel from Thursday 'til today. USS was awesome, for the rides of course, not for the people. The crowd is madness. The roller coasters are damn super awesome to the max, words alone can't even describe. I love the feeling of feeling like you're risking your life on a dangerous spinning high speed roller coaster ride. It makes life all the more fun. I screamed so much yesterday, but apparently not enough to lose my voice like I did at Ancol. Hahahaha, but, well, it was an enjoyable experience with family and our closest friend who is practically like a sister; Nafisah. Went for a swim last night for the first time since a year. Pathetic, I know. Ever since I started wearing hijab, I didn't know how to go swimming, which is stupid because my swimming costume itself is already long sleeves from top to bottom. Ohwells. So I swam my heart out and wrestled with sister on the swimming pool sand. Yes, one of the swimming pools was designed like a real beach, with real fine sand. How awesome izzat?! Kalau honeymoon kat sini pon jadi la sia. HAHAHAHA!!

I deserved this break, like honestly. Show day really messed up my mind. The last thing that I wanted to happen, the very thing that I feared, just had to be on an important day where I needed my mind to be clear. I think the Nagas have never seen me break down that bad. All I knew at that point of time, was Ahmad's hands gripping mine and telling me to calm down. I made so many worry, I made so many cry with me, I made so many panic, and I made Ahmad cry too. I know it's not my fault, but I'm really sorry. I'm sorry it happened, even though deep down, I knew that it would happen eventually. I just didn't expect it to be on show day or that soon.

I talked to Shaa about it the next day. We even cried together. She is the fourth person to tell me that I'm very lucky to have someone like Ahmad by my side. Yes, I am, I realize I truly am. Ever since day 1, he has always guided me and given me the best advice, no matter how harsh it may sometimes be. Because after some time, it actually knocked sense into me. For someone who is younger than me, he sure has a lot of knowledge it makes me feel like a little child. But again, I am truly thankful to have him.

I'm thankful that everyone understood me, and were there for me, and dried my tears. But I still fear for the future. All that I am afraid of is getting hurt. It's just that simple.

"cos you're beautiful no matter what they say, cos words can't bring you down."

There is a reason for everything that happens. Maybe it was really time. It caught me off-guard, but that was the day I realized that I'd always had true friends and good people by my side the past three years. & I'm thankful to Allah for letting me realize this now.

I think I would normally say this, "So much for keeping it a secret."

But now, I don't think so anymore. Allah knows best, and He knows why this happened. So, I trust in him. & I will accept whatever that comes my way from this point on. As long as I have Him, I will be strong. :)

2011-11-09T11:05:00.000+08:00

It's been a year since you left us, Angah. How fast time flies. Later, it will be two years, three years, and so on. & then there will eventually come a time when no one will remember your passing. Everyone's so absorbed in their own matters that they never stopped for a moment to remember a sibling who used to be a part of this family, an aunt and a mother who loved the children in this family so dearly.

On Hari Raya Aidiladha, I saw Fazilah for the first time since so long and it hit me, she has your smile. She looks so much like you, it hurts to even look at her.

I hope you're happy there out of your misery. You fought long and hard, and bravely. I think I've never seen the kind of courage that you had in those few months that you were in our care. You were so strong. I read through my past posts in 2010 and the few times that I broke down in front of you or because of you.

I miss you. There's so many things I want to say to you. But above all, I want to tell you I miss you. I miss speaking to you in a language that's foreign to people who are not used to the deaf.

I just miss you so much. & I'll always remember you in my prayers.

2011-11-02T22:38:00.000+08:00

Why would I want anyone else when I've got the best?

2011-10-27T22:01:00.002+08:00

Always.

2011-10-22T23:06:00.001+08:00

2011-10-19T15:03:00.001+08:00

My fever has finally gone down.

But the body aches have not.

Neither have the headaches and occasional migraine.

I miss this guy.

K bye.

2011-10-15T23:05:00.002+08:00

I couldn't agree more.

Today wasn't enough.

Nothing seems to be enough.

I miss everything about you.

Soaking in all of you in one day isn't enough.

I miss you.

2011-10-13T12:49:00.001+08:00

I was having very bad cramp pains since yesterday. Still had the pain this morning so I skipped school. It was unbearable. Drifted in and out of sleep until I received a message from my favourite boy. He sent me the picture above and I love it. This is what he does at work. Hahaha. Nope, this is not what he is supposed to do. He just has a lot of free time at work, that's all. When I saw the date, it took me a moment to realize that we've really been together for 2 years. Sometimes, it still feels like a dream. This guy is just too good to be true. :3

Now, I'm off to start doing FYP again. Nice to be home, actually. For once, because my sis also skipped school. ;p

Loving You Tonight

2011-10-10T09:14:00.000+08:00

I was finally able to meet this cute boy on Saturday. Although the last time we met was for a brief few minutes on Wednesday, it felt like ages since I last saw him. Going to school alone was kind of miserable since I've been so used to him teasing me during the morning walks to school the last 4 semesters. So that Saturday, terubatlah rindu aku. :p

We ate at Burger King where I tasted fastfood bacon for the first time since I came back from Australia. He told me all about his internship, and I updated him on stuff happening in school. It was nothing much actually. Just that, school was never so boring. Goes to show how much of an entertainment he is. :p

After lunch, we walked around Plaza Singapura for a while. Covered most of the upper floors only. And throughout, we teased each other. I missed teasing him. Amazing how 3 days make a difference. I really obviously missed this guy. So, we were walking in and out of the shops on the topmost level when I discovered that one of the shops sold cameras. Holgas, Polaroid cameras, lomo cameras, and most definitely, Diana! It was a whole set. I was so excited! Hahaha. & then we started arguing because apparently, he'll be getting a lot of money the next few months.

1) $400 per month from his internship for 4 months.
2) Gamma Rays performances
3) Gamelan Asmaradana/Gamelan Express performances

While I have like, what? 1 performance coming up in November, and I don't even know if I'll get much. He has 2 GR performances coming up. Ugh.

& yes, at that point of time, I realized, he's going to be richer than me. & heck, I couldn't accept that. Hahaha! So he used this money thing to irritate the hell out of me the whole time we were on our way to Kerbau Road. Everyone in GSM welcomed him happily. Rehearsal that day was awesome. Why? Because I tried playing the Reong for Gambang Suling. I've always been playing the Pengecah with Mei Yin, so when Niky told me to play Reong, I kinda panicked. It always looked hard to me, even though I've always been fascinated by the sounds. So I tried. It was hard at first, but I think I'll get the hang of it over time. But it's really, really, really awesome.

After rehearsal, Kak Ros invited us to watch an open gamelan show at Esplanade. So we decided to go. And it was awesomeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! The storyline was on Ramayana, about Sinta and Rama's love story or something like that, and Rhawana, the demon, kidnapped Sinta and stuff. We stayed for all three half-an-hour shows. Oh, and might I add, the Nasi Goreng Ikan Bilis at Makansutra is yummy, man! Omg, I just loooooooove ikan bilis. HAHA!

I was sad when the night ended. It meant he had to go. and it meant that I don't know for sure when I'll see him again. I admit that I've cried every night since school started. Not just every night, I'd cry even when I randomly think about him. I'd cry when I miss him. I'd cry in the mornings, on the way to Pasir Ris MRT, knowing he wouldn't be at Woodlands, waiting to walk to school with me. I'd cry when I read his messages. I'd cry when I look at his pictures in my phone.

But, ohwells. I'll get over it soon, I guess.

But now I know, what it means to truly, really love someone. So much that it hurts not to be near, hurts to miss them, hurts to cry. & when they're not around, you just don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do with myself, seriously.

I just want to be busy soon. ASAP. Because that was how I got through the 2 months he was away in Australia. Being busy helps. Very busy. FYP, please start soon. & the intensive GNK practices should start soon.

Okay, after much crying trying to type these out, though I do feel better now, I am hungry. So, I shall go unredden my eyes and get food from Art Bites next door. Craving for their spaghetti, yumm.

Take care, y'all. :D

And I'll say, hey

You'll say baby, how's your day

I'll say, crazy

But its all gonna be alright

You'll kiss my smile

I'll pull you closer

Spend awhile just gettin' to know ya

But its all gonna be alright

Loving you tonight

Ohh Ohh Yeaaah

Loving you tonight

Ohhh Ohh, Yeaahh

Last Kiss

2011-10-07T15:46:00.000+08:00

Happy 26th monthsary, baby! :)

& I'll wait patiently for the day we can meet again. :3

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe

And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

2011-10-06T21:57:00.001+08:00

I'd give anything to be here, right now.

School sucks.

The only thing that keeps me going is gamelan.

That's ALL.

Bye.

Emo mode for the rest of the semester.

Sayang ♥♥♥

2011-10-05T11:24:00.000+08:00

Headphones for his birthday present.

Happy Birthday, dearest boy of mine!!

I'll see you when I see you. :)

Kamu telah mengisi lubuk hatiku

Jauh dalam relungku

Pernahkah kau merasakannya

Jangan Pergi

2011-09-29T23:48:00.000+08:00

Bear with me, this might be long. :D

Melbourne, Victoria, Australia SOT 18-25 September

This dear lovely boyfriend of mine was supposed to perform with Gamma Rays for Rev Up at Orchard that night but he was requested to not perform due to the lack of stage space. I was pissed when I found out because he was one of the few who always turns up for practice without fail (proud girlfriend speaking here. :p) but they chose to kick him out instead of someone else. Being a newbie sucks. I should know, cause I didn't get to perform for the Balinese performance at NAC when I returned either. But that's beside the point. So, anyway, I was on the way to T3 with my family and I texted him, saying that I'm already on the way yada yada yada. & this dear boy said, "I otw gi pasar." So that line was used before which was why I knew what he meant but I just didn't want to believe it. I mean, it was a Sunday night which meant ngaji for him so yeah, go figure. I was greatly superbly happy that he came, honestly.

In his words, "Things took a turn, I never perform. It's the universe telling me I should send you off."

It was my first time on a long journey flight where I can actually remember it for real. My first was when I was in 5 or 6, towards the same destination, but I can hardly remember that. So yeah, this sunrise was breathtaking. :)

So when we arrived, we had lunch and straightaway went for the campus tour at RMIT. It's a nice campus. The most shocking thing for me is the fact that there were quite a number of girls with hijab on campus. Well, not just on campus but everywhere we went. I was like, this is good man, real good. But honestly, during the introductions that the lecturers did, I totally fell asleep! HAHAHA! It was interesting to a certain level, knowing about the different courses they have but it was like, meh. I enjoyed the campus tour though. Cute ang mohs galore! :p

The next day was the campus tour at 2 Monash campuses: Caulfield and Clayton. At Caulfield, I talked to one of RP's graduates who took the advanced pathway to Monash and I got all the information I wanted from him. He was really friendly and funny. The most amazing thing is, he paid for his education without his parents' help. So independent, unless he had a personal family problem that made him have to do so. I didn't want to pry so I didn't ask. The Clayton campus was huge!!! When we were walking down the botanic garden, there were condoms everywhere. Yes, C-O-N-D-O-M-S. The ang moh guy who brought us around was like, "Oh, nah, it's normal here." All the girls were like, O.O!

HIMSS! 2 days of endless talk sessions that had me yawning away at many points, and proud CIOs who sometimes refuse the evaluation forms we give out. The first day was damn boring, and lunch for me was just a doughnut because they served possibly not halal chicken sandwiches and sushi. The second day was better because we were in charge of a small room instead of a big theatre. Sitting outside at the table and joking around was never more fun with people like Eddy and Rezwan. Lunch on that day was just a chocolate tart because they served pork. Sigh. Some of the delegates were friendly and even chatted with us a little. Nice to know that there are still nice big shots around. We walked back to our hotel that day instead of taking the bus. & it was a good idea because the night city lights were absolutely gorgeous. We walked down the Yarra River and it was spectacular at sunset and after sunset. You could say it was romantic too. :p

Philip Island the next day was a real retreat. The chocolate factory was a fun journey, being able to make our own chocolate while learning about how it is made. Shopping for the chocolates was never so miserable. Bloody expensive. I could only get as much for GNK and my family. Quite sad, actually. & the chocolate was delicious too! After that, we headed for the Penguins Reserve.Along the way, we passed stretches of long grass (I think) and we saw kangaroos too! The moment we saw the kangaroos, everyone in the bus got over-excited! It was hilarious, and they were all making dialogues and stuff. Hilarious max. The Little Penguin experience was out of this world. I plan to bring my family there someday. It's like, you wait on the benches facing the cold wind blowing from the ocean, and your eyes watch the shores expectantly, waiting for any sign of the penguins arriving. & they're really tiny! I was shocked at first, until I found out that they were the smallest species of penguins. & I also learnt, that when they have a mate, they stick together for life. It's like, awwwwwwwwwwwww~~~!!! This picture below is my favourite out of all the pictures on Philip Island. Credits to Rizwan! :D

Finally, the main highlight. The bus ride up to come here was maddeningly nauseating. I was really on the verge of throwing up. There were so many turns and bends, I really needed fresh air at one point. Then, a miracle! We stopped for lunch. It was during lunch that they were all talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends and I realized that I hadn't called Ahmad yet. Oops. 6 days there and no phone call. When he went to Sydney last February, he called me on his second day there. (Hee, jangan marah. Call jugak pe. :p) He sounded happy though, and I even got to tease him. Yeah, about a super long message he sent me the night before. WHILE I WAS STILL ASLEEP. Time difference is 2 hours, by the way. Melbourne is earlier. Anyway, this below is Twelve Apostles. Beautiful, gorgeous, spechlessly breathtaking. The wonders of Mother Nature, the beauty of Allah's creation. :)

Loch Ard Gorge

The trip home was on the Airbus! I dunno which one, don't really care, but it was suuuuuuper cool, I swear. I had to sit next to Syazwan Mr. Annoying But Funny At Times who snored soundly during take-off. Watched 3 movies: Pirates, On Straner Tides (which I laughed my ass off because Jack Sparrow is simply hilarious!), Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak (#amirkhanforever, plus I cried like crazy, Romeo & Juliet storyline) and Water for Elephants, which I didn't get to finish cause of touchdown. But seriously, it was a great trip with great friends and classmates. Making new friends and joking around with them, this trip was worth my money. :D

So that's it, my Melbourne trip, summarized edition. Heh. Might I add that Shy-Me ran away from home the day I left. She knew her mistress will be away so she slipped out to be naughty. HAHA! Made my whole family panic because when I left, I specifically told them to watch Shy-Me since I won't be around. My sis felt guilty, and my parents wanted to buy me a new cat if they couldn't find Shy-Me. This was the reason why I dreamt about that lovely cat on the second night in Melbourne. :D

Back to reality now. School starts next week. Bummer. I've been having headaches since my return but it's slowly dying off. I have one class with a girl I don't really like, I don't know how I'll survive. The up side is Business Finance with B Zulaiha Jalani, at least a familiar face in this class.

The most depressing part, as we have learnt today, is internship this whole semester for Ahmad Mustaqim. Need I say more? :( x892376432871084328724309

But we'll survive. We always have. :)

I miss the nice cold weather in Melbourne. Sigh.

Jangan pergi, jangan pergi

Jangan kau pergi

Ku tak ingin sendiri

Ku tak sanggup, ku tak sanggup

Sungguh tak sanggup

Hidup tanpa cintamu

Home

2011-09-26T15:48:00.001+08:00

I'm back but this is just a short update until my body is feeling better.

Yes, jet lag, this is.

First time that I ever slept at 8pm in Singapore.

Woke up at 4am and 7am today.

4am because in Melbourne, we wake up at 5am and 6am, depending on schedule.

7am, I dunno why.

I'm really tired, and I'm lying down with my eyes half closed as I type this.

My body is super weak and tired, and I'm having a headache.

I just read the email and I just want to say, I'm hopeful for the future.

Someday we'll be reunited. :)

Take care, all.

I'll do a proper update on my trip when I'm feeling better.

Jet Lag

2011-09-17T23:44:00.000+08:00

Last night in Singapore.

Half excited, half nervous.

A little scared too.

I've always been hearing things about the racism in Australia.

But, I guess I'll just leave it to Him. :)

Wish me a safe journey, ya?

I will miss you too. :)

You say good morning

When it’s midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

It’s drivin me mad

I miss you so bad

And my heart heart heart is so jetlagged

Heart heart heart is so jetlagged

Is so jetlagged

Sambutlah Kasih

2011-09-13T23:10:00.000+08:00

My birthday present from Ahmad Mustaqim<3<3

An iPhone cover whose pattern is almost similar to the wallet I bought for his birthday last year.

& the milk rings - no comments.

"What happened in the train will stay in the train."

I'm glad no one but only us knows. Embarrassment of 2010.

I love this boy, always so full of surprises.

We can do no great things; only small things with great love.

This fits, doesn't it? :)

Tak ku hiraukan panas mentari lagi

Demi cinta kurela menanti

Takkan goyang walau badai kan melanda

Seribu tahun kutetap setia

Lupakanlah dukamu yang silam

Hulur tanganmu sambut kasihku

Mari bersama kita melangkah

Membina cinta abadi

2011-09-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

Seoul Garden with this lovely girl, Hazlinda Hussain.

It was a bet between the two of us on who can eat the most.

No one won 'cause we were bloated at the same time.

HAHA!

After that, we spent $20 at Timezone for some exercise. :p

Now, I've got the cramps.

& I still haven't packed for Melbourne.

But, I've become best friends with Shy-me.

Heh <3

Ahmad Mustaqim is the sweetest surprise package everrr.

2011-09-08T19:10:00.000+08:00

We went through a lot... you and me. I miss you. I miss us.

Time away from you has been good for me. It hurts less every time the realization that we can never go back to how things were hits me.

I can never say enough sorry's for everything that happened.
& till now, I'm still lost, still off-balanced, still unsure.
I've wept enough tears just for this.
Yet, it never seems enough.

I wonder how long this will be.

2011-08-31T01:56:00.004+08:00

Well, how should I describe 1st Syawal? Emotional. & not only that, it was like deja vu. Exactly like last 1st Syawal. Someone was on her deathbed. The day went well at first, I swear. I was just about to begin having fun. Until we saw Little Miss Pink in Tok Bak's house entering the bedroom when we arrived. When I saw her pretty little not-a-hair-out-of-place head entering my granddad's bedroom, I knew immediately that nothing had changed and that I was right. She forgot about all the good things we've done for her in the midst of pursuing her happiness. Which probably isn't anymore seeing how her ang moh husband wasn't around with her. But I can't just anyhow assume so I shall not say anything about that part. But even though I hated her for being such a coward to run away the minute we arrived, deep inside, I wanted to go in that room to say, "Hi, Mama, I missed you." I really wanted to do that. So when Ayah Long and Uncle Yoyo's family were done with eating, we set off for the hospital where my great-grandma was in critical condition. My sis and me were actually near the kitchen, contemplating whether or not we should enter the room and say hi. Unfortunately, I think it's the power of "Mothers Know Best" that made my mother yell for our names and we had to get out of the house. But our brilliant maid came up with the idea for us to go back inside with an excuse that we need to use the toilet. So well, it worked, but just not the way we wanted. Little Miss Pink was in the living room talking to grandpa's wife and her back was towards us. So we waited a while for her to finish but she never did, as though it was on purpose. Then she walked away, without even acknowledging us. As though we were invisible.

I cried in the car. I pretended to sleep but the tears were sliding down my face. I was asking myself if we, the nieces, actually deserved this. The feud is between the adults, but why are the children affected too? What did we do wrong to deserve this? Every house we went, she was there, but she never approached us, never looked at us. She talked to the other aunts and uncles, but not my parents.

We went to St.Luke Hospital for a while. & it was there that I remembered Angah so vividly. It was exactly the same like last year on 1st Syawal. The adults were crowded around the bed, and me and sis and maid were sitting to one side, just watching. Then after a short discussion with them, I decided to go greet moyang. So I went. I wish I could say I regret going to see her because the image has been stuck in my mind ever since then, but I can't. Her hands were cold, her mouth and tongue were so dry, and she took breath by breath so difficultly. I held her thumb cause her fingers were bandaged for some reason. I watched her take breath after breath and I was reminded of Angah. She was fine hours before she passed away. & then suddenly, she did. I guess for nenek moyang, she had always been healthy cause she had the saka in her. But her health deteriorated ever since they took out the saka. Ohwells.

After the house after the hospital, Ucu called. He greeted, "Hello? Boleh saye cakap dengan Cik Fazlun?" Just that line made me smile so huge. I was so happy to hear from him again. To make a long story short, we picked his family up on the way to Ayah Long's house. & there, for the first time, 4 families were reunited after a decade of being apart. Although it wasn't the complete picture that I always hoped for, at least it was something. Having him back meant the whole world to me.

I wanted more pictures with them, but they promised to come by our place.

This guy is annoying, but he is what lights up the gathering.

I watched Little Miss Pink acknowledge our other cousins, saying stuff like "Wah you've grown up already!" and whatever shit, and me and sis were at the corner, just watching and feeling hurt. Is that alright at all? No, it's not. It hurts. I wish I had the guts to pour out everything I feel straight to her face, but I don't have the heart to. Maybe my sis is right. She's still family, no matter what she's done. I'll just have to stand by what my maid told us: "Orang yang dekat dengan Allah adalah orang yang selalu make the first move." We tried to approach her, but she avoided us. So I guess that speaks for itself, huh?

I cried myself to sleep last night, right after AzroyBoy and family left and my sis was already asleep. I never knew that even family could turn into strangers.

There is a reason for everything that happens, I guess. :) I hope everyone's having a blast. I hope I soon will too, as long as I get over this. GNK next week taking the lorry around. I'm looking forward to that. :D

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI

2011-08-29T22:21:00.003+08:00

Ramadhan came, and now, it's gone.

For some, they rejoice, for some, they wonder.

Will I see Ramadhan again next year?

From now on, every 1st Syawal, I will remember the day Angah had a fit and we all thought she was going to die. She acted just like it, salam-ing everyone and saying goodbye. Tomorrow will be the first year anniversary. I remember the events that happened that day as though it just happened yesterday. I cried oceans that day. I was so afraid. But it turned out she just lacked oxygen. Unfortunately, 2 months later, she really went. But I guess everything happens for a reason. When she passed away, she was finally put out of her misery.

Here's the first Aidilfitri without her. How time flies. She was very brave and strong throughout her cancer. I've never experienced the loss of a loved one like this. & I've been feeling this low since yesterday, when I remembered how we used to stay over at her house and spend the day playing Barbie in her spare room. Her house used to smell so nice. The crikcrik of her squeaky wheels wheelchair that used to always echo in our house last Ramadhan. I'm tearing up just typing this out.

It's amazing how one moment you could be alive and kicking. But yet, you don't know if you'll even be alive the next moment. Life is that short. Allah will just take you away without any warning.

Well, I'm sure all the Muslims out there are rejoicing on being able to eat in the afternoons now. Haha. So anyway...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my Muslim friends! Mohon maaf zahir dan batin.. If I've ever done you wrong, please accept my sincerest apologies. Love, Faz.

2011-08-26T10:57:00.003+08:00

He looks like a kangaroo, doesn't he? Habib has so many types of sleeping positions. & he loves to perch over edges where his front paws will be hanging. So cute! :D We're bathing the two kitties this weekend, so that they'll smell fresh for Raya. Hehe. Been working hard for my share of the kuih raya. Sucks when you only have 2 ovens in the kitchen and Mommy needs to use both to make Kuih Lapis. I can't make my second batch of Honey Cornflakes, Cornflake Macarons and Swedish Thumbprints. Tsk. Have to wait till Saturday.

I foresee lots of drama during Raya because some kind of drama is on its way into the family right now. Wonder if Snow White and Dwarf would be showing up for Raya with us. I doubt it, but I'm hopeful. Even though I know I'll be let down, just like all the previous years, I'm still hopeful. So anyway, this drama, is really something. I was thinking, about time it happened. But well, who am I to say anything? It's the adults' problems so let's just leave it to them, shall we?

It's 11.11am now and I'm in school starting to revise on a 4.30pm paper. Awesome right? But well, I really need this time alone to study. I can NEVER study in peace at home. So, wish me luck 'cause it's the final paper! :D

This weekend is gonna be chaotic, I swear. With the kuih waiting to be picked up by various people, and last minute shopping at IKEA and for Raya. I wanna buy new brooch but I dunno where's nice! I saw one brooch at Arab Street that was so freaking lovely but guess the price? $67!!! Heart attack sia. So ex for just a brooch with little diamonds all over! But what's scary is Mum spending $555.10 on herself, me and my maid. 9 tudungs, 1 baju butterfly and 2 long dresses. Seriously, when she spends, she goes all out. But that's only when my dad's not beside her to watch over her spending. HAHA!

Alrighty, gotta go. Sucks to be alone in the library. Pfft.

2011-08-22T01:17:00.002+08:00

Friday's buka with Haz. Been a while since I had girl time with her.

Will miss her once she's off for attachment.

Good luck with the working shifts, babe! You'll need it. :p

Even after some reflection time alone, I still can't come to terms with it.

I guess I'll just have to take it day by day.

She's pretty. How can I ever measure up?

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm doing this.

But I guess this is just part of being a girl.

Someone out there is always better.

That is the sad reality.

:(:(:(

2011-08-18T23:50:00.002+08:00

The fact that until now, I still cry because of you when I think about what happened between us. I know I should let it go, everything you said that hurt others, hurt me, and hurt us. I know that you destroyed us with your own hands, but I can't help thinking that part of it was my fault. If I'd handled the situation better. If. Now it's too late.

& you. Keep coming into my dreams. This is the fourth time. & each time you appear, I keep apologizing to you. Is this the sign I asked for to make things better? Or is this a warning to tell me that I shouldn't try to make things better because the outcome would be the same as in those dreams; you run away each time.

A couple of days back, I was reflecting on the past few months. Things that just happened too fast, words that were written and said in anger, disappointment. Major disappointments.

I care. I've always cared. I just hate it when I'm betrayed. So many times. But even then, I still care. Like I do now, and yet, no one knows.

I pray for strength to move on, and to forgive myself.

2011-08-15T11:40:00.002+08:00

I know exactly what my sister would say if I brought up this topic to her. She's family.

Here's my rebuttal: Has she acted like she's family? Where was she when her sister was on her deathbed? Where was she when her kids needed a mother, even though it's an abusive one? Where was she when my own mother needed her sisters to support her, especially through the ordeal that my mother went through last year? Our parents have always helped her, have always been there for her through everything she went through. & how did she repay them? Fitnah.

Yeah, forgive and forget. Oh, I have forgiven. You don't know how many tears I've spilled for this stupid family. Wishing that things would change for the better, begging for those who left to return. The puzzle pieces have been joined back together, but they're not fitted, they're just loosely apart.

Her coming back is not going to change anything. Her ego is too big to come to my doorstep to beg for forgiveness from my parents. This Raya, is something I'm looking forward to, but not for the reason everyone has. I'm just gonna wait and see what happens.

Sorry, just needed to rant. My eyesight right now is blurry like eff and I'm annoyed to the max that I don't have my eye refreshers with me. Probably will partial. Will see how.

2011-08-10T21:54:00.002+08:00

Well, nothing much to say except that it's over. Sure, I enjoyed their company, and I learnt so much from all three of them. Yup, I learnt from Soleh too. As annoying as he can be, when he's serious, he's serious for real.

Anyway, they all went home today. After they salam-ed all of us, Ustaz Khafidin and Ustaz Romoh entered the gates first. I was the last person Soleh salam-ed, and then he went to the police at the gate. The guy held out his hand to check Soleh's passport and omg, Soleh actually salam-ed the guy. Hilarious to the max. OMG. HAHAHAHA!

But hey, it's over. It was fun the last two weeks, but I'm really glad it's over. :D

Anyway, finally gave Ahmad Mustaqim his little jar of hearts today. :p

2011-08-05T12:47:00.004+08:00

Ever since Soleh and the 2 Ustaz arrived in SG, and because of Ramadhan being here already, I've been too busy and tired to update my blog. :( But, Syukur Alhamdulillah that I meet yet again another month of Ramadhan. Last year, we spent it taking care of arwah Angah and as I look back, I really miss those times. Sure, it made the family more stressed, especially when one sister was too selfish, but it only taught us lessons about patience and the importance of family. I admire my mum for being the strongest woman she was during that whole period. :)

Anyway, having Soleh around has been nothing but hilarious. He insisted to learn English and in exchange, he taught me Jawa. So far, he got words like Smile (It was 'smell' at first. LOL!!), Thank you, See you tomorrow, Excuse me (Exchuse me!!!) and some basic others. Quite good progress so far. BUT! He hasn't gotten the numbers in English correct yet. He says it 'one two three four fev action' and I dunno what else. -.-

And me! I got the numbers in bahasa Jawa already! Hohoho.

Siji, loro, terlu, papat, limo, enam, bitu, walu, songoh, sepuluh! Yayyyy!!!!!

Anyway, I brought Soleh to Balinese rehearsal last Saturday. The night before, he didn't believe my maid when she told him that I play Gamelan. He said that Gamelan untuk orang desa. So when we were there, he said to me, "Aku suka." LOOOLLL. Maybe because in Semarang, the gamelan there only plays Javanese styles. It was his first time seeing and listening to Balinese Gamelan. & Amran was so friendly to him. I was thankful for that cause that day was the first time I talked to Soleh so I didn't really know what to say and me and Mirah were pretty awkward, and there was this HUGE language barrier that day. HAHAHA! After Balinese, we went to pray at Masjid Angulia where Cik Jal picked us up afterward to bring Soleh sight-seeing. &....we ended up here.

VIVOCITY!!! Dinner at Harbourfront's Pizza Hut first and then window-shopping around Vivo. I even managed to buy a pair of sandals at F21. :p By then, we'd already warmed up to him, and he was starting to show his annoying side. Haha. His annoying side fully showed up the next day by the way, when we went to the Zoo. -.- Suuuuuperrr annoying. & when I showed that I was irritated, he would say, "Senyum," and I can't help but smile. HAHA! Contradicting, right?

Anyway, despite it being the first week of Ramadhan, I've had my patience really tested the past two days. I don't really want to talk about it because for me, it's over. The other party changed their mind, and didn't want to discuss it so I blew up and threw everything at them. I hope they get the hint now, why I behaved like this the past few months.

Sigh. Just my luck hmm? Well, I shall go now. Happy fasting to all Muslims! :):):)

2011-07-29T21:49:00.002+08:00

I'm really tired of everything.

I'm tired of crying.

Tired of waiting.

Tired of being taken for granted.

Tired of trying to be strong.

Each and every day.

If I could sleep forever, I would.

I'm just really so physically and mentally tired.

Shadows & Regrets

2011-07-26T21:49:00.010+08:00

Life, as told by me.

When I was the only senior girl in Photography Club. :p

KL & Cameron Highlands with the NA Melayus. :')

When Farah was only 1 year old. :D

The camp that was the highlight of 2006

I happen to like my hair in this. :p

Not Photoshopped. :D

Sigh, when I was the only Sec.2 girl. Sigh.

Sigh, when I was still the only Sec.2 girl.

She sparked my passion in photography.

Who can forget her? :')

Heroes World Tour 2007

I miss working with this guy.

He made managing Photography Club so much fun.

Do I have to repeat again?

When I was the only Sec.2 girl. Sigh, sigh.

Somehow, this is my favourite picture during the Prom.

Seems like the whole 5 years in CSS,

Photography Club was like my whole life.

When we used to go ice-skating ALL the time

When I loved these people with all my heart

My life from 2005-2008

(not in sequence)

When all that mattered was being happy with friends and loved ones

Found these in my mum's harddisk

I was sighing when I looked through all the pictures

If I could turn back time and correct the things I've done wrong,

I would do anything for that to happen.

But I can't.

If you were ever a part of my past,

it doesn't mean that I've forgotten you in my present.

When we were only kids

And we were best of friends

And we hoped for the best

And let go of the rest

2011-07-24T00:48:00.000+08:00

He left me - again. No he didn't break up with me or leave me for another girl, he left me for another passion of his, traveling. I always knew that even when he came back he would leave again because it's in his blood, it's what comes naturally and passionately to him. When we first started dating he went abroad for 6 months to another country. Even though we had just started dating before he life, it was the hardest 6 months I have ever endured in my life. But we fell in love, the old fashioned way. Through letters and e-mails (not so old fashioned), but everything we did had passion behind it. We didn't touch for 6 whole months. Imagine not being able to have the person you love give you a simple hug because there was literally 7,000 miles between you.

When he returned we were inseparable, but I knew he would eventually leave again. Like I said before, it's in his blood, it's part of his make up. He's a free spirit and someone I look up to. He has brought out qualities in myself that I could never imagine having and that is just a simple reason of many why I'm so crazy about him. He left a week ago to follow his dream and move across country to California. No plans, no expectations, just a dream he has always had.

And what about me? I'm back on the East Coast. As much as I want to scream at him and tell him he's selfish, ask why he left me again, tell him to stay, I won't. Because what kind of girlfriend would I be if I did that? What kind of girlfriend does not support their soul mates dreams even if it does mean being a little selfish? Everything is supposed to happen for a reason and Fate works in way that are unthinkable. I know in my heart that it will work out the way it is supposed to. We fell in love through distance, we fell in love through struggle. We've been together for almost 2 years now and I still get butterflies when I think about touching him again.

I look up to him for what he does and how he does it. At times, I may think he is stubborn and almost impossible but that does not make me love him any less. Struggles make you stronger whether you realize it or not. This time I know it will work even better than it did the last.

- Le Love

I feel the same too.

Because I believe. :)

2011-07-23T23:45:00.003+08:00

& today, I realized so much more things.

It hurts really bad.

Who you are, who you really are.

Karma?

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

This is what it feels like not to be remembered.

At all.

2011-07-21T23:38:00.002+08:00

No one else can claim my heart the way you have.

& if ever anyone were to make you doubt this,

remember, my heart has always belonged to you.

2011-07-18T22:01:00.002+08:00

How do you know for sure that what you lost was what you have been looking for all this while?

Everyday, I just fall deeper and deeper into this bottomless pit.

I surround myself with this invisible barrier so I wouldn't feel as much pain as I've had before.

I've seen with my own eyes what love can do to you.

I've seen my friends get hurt to the point that they're so ready to take their own lives, or to the point that they just can't feel a thing.

I've seen it and I don't ever want to go through it.

But sometimes, things happen.

Someone to love you with all his heart is difficult to come by.

2011-07-17T10:33:00.003+08:00

Habib

Shy (Shiny)

I love yesterday. It's been so long since I had this much fun. Ahmad finally found time to come over to play with the cats. Yup, I have 2 now. We got the second one last Sunday. It was totally random. We were at the farm to buy Habib's nail clippers and my Dad saw Shy in her cage and he and my mum decided to buy her because they wanted to breed the cats. -.- Shy is a 6 month old British Blue Silver Classic Tabby and she is pure EVIL~~ Haha, just kidding. She's lovable but extremely shy and afraid of us. Everytime we approach her, she tries to run away. So, yeah, there you go, Habib now has a pussy girlfriend. HAHA!

So anyway,Ahmad played with the cats, I cooked for him 'cause he was hungry, and he played Kinect with Farah. Hilarious. :) So when he wanted to go off, my mum came home. She helped me pack the cake for him, and then I ended up following him for his outing with his friends where the attendance was incredibly miserable. The ones who turned up were the usual: Shak, Thahirah and Rafi, who was late. Ate at Zam Zam with Shak, Thahirah and Ahmad, before they all decided to shisha at Bali Lane. I didn't, of course. Never again. Haha. We could see the fireworks from where we sat, which is super duper cool. So when Rafi arrived, we took out the birthday cake and the number 19 candles and well, I guess I'm happy to say that at the end of the night, the cake was almost finished. Ahmad went off first, but I couldn't cause no one's home and I didn't have the house keys so I stayed with the rest. But really, I enjoyed my time with them. It reminded me of the first time I met them; they're still the same people. :)

It was supposed to be red, and it turned out pink. Sucks, man. But at least they loved it. :D

Off to finish up my codings, clean the house, bathe Habib and do some ironing. Lovely Saturday, hopefully Sunday will be nice so that the weekend will remain awesome. :D

2011-07-16T00:33:00.000+08:00

We attach ourselves too closely to people sometimes and when they're gone, a part of us is gone too.

2011-07-15T01:46:00.003+08:00

It's 1.46am in the morning, and I've just spent the past 30 minutes crying my eyes out.

I just read the most heartbreaking email I've ever received in my entire life.

This wasn't what I wanted. It's really not. I wish things could change, I wish it could get better. I wish it would be different, so much more different than it is now. I wish it could be the same as the past happier days. But no it can't. Because the damage is done.

Is it true then? There's a reason why some people never made it to our present. Cause that really sucks. I'm at the edge of losing my mind right now.

In the crowd of faces, sometimes I wished yours would be one of them too.

2011-07-14T12:53:00.002+08:00

Ahmad Mustaqim surprised a sleepy me this morning when he told me to check my Facebook. So me being the curious cannot wait till I get to school kind of person when it comes to this, used my phone to check FB. And voila! I saw the above video he sent. So, while I was watching, I was crying because it was so sweet. & the lyrics <3. :)

I just find him so cute in this shot. He's such a sweet and talented musician. :) Ahmad, thank you. :3

I'll update properly when I have the time. This week is emotionally stressful due to FYP deadline coming up so soon and one particular teammate giving problems. The best part about yesterday was I get to sit next to Ummi Aisyah and talk to her. Terubat rindu aku. :D

2011-07-04T10:46:00.002+08:00

Last week:

So, Habib was down with flu last week and his eyes were in bad condition as well, so my sis and mum brought him to the vet at Jalan Kayu (apparently, my sis says the guy vets there were so handsome -.-) and he got pills and eye drops, and the cone thing above. So cute right! He was so upset with the thing. Well, it was uncomfortable, obviously, but it's to prevent him from scratching or cleaning his eyes with his paws. We bathed him on Saturday and it was hilarious. Towel dry him and then used the hair dryer to dry him further. He ran and ran around the balcony. So hilarious. He's a really smart kitty, for a three month old. Every time I prepare the saline solution and cotton pads for his eyes, he'll run away. It sucks when he had the flu, he was always sleeping and less active.

Last night:

This little buddy actually accompanied me to watch Jennifer's Body. I kept him nearby 'cause I was scared even though the movie was nowhere near scary. But I still have to admit, Megan Fox is really awesome. So anyway, ever since he recovered, he's been sliding around the house. The floor of my house is marble, so for his kind of fur, well, bottom line, he just loves sliding around. He'll purposely run so fast and slide around corners. -.-

& he woke me up this morning by licking my lip and then sitting on my neck. Perangai gemok. Takde tempat lain nak dudok. But it was a good thing because it was six plus and I had to get up for school. A living alarm clock. HAHA!

http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-not-going-anywhere.html

I was tearing up when I read this. I wonder what's with me lately. I'm letting myself fall deeper, even though I know it will hurt me. Because in the end, it always hurts. :(

2011-06-26T21:14:00.004+08:00

SAY HELLO TO HABIB, OUR BRITISH SHORTHAIR LILAC! :D

Getting a cat has always been one of our dreams. My sis and I waited a really long time for this moment. So yesterday, when I was out with Shaa and Nadeem, my sis called and said they were gonna go to the pet farm at Pasir Ris farmway so I was like, okayy... Then she called again and said my parents were thinking of getting one. & at that time, Shaa, Nd and me were at McCafe at Downtown and I almost screamed out in happiness. Heh. But they didn't get it though. Shaa, Nd and me were at the horse stables at PRP when we saw my family there too. My mum showed me a video of the cat they wanted, this exact cat! & she was like, "Abah say can can, better get cause very hard to persuade Abah." Hahaha, mak aku. Anyway, this morning, while I was watching Percy Jackson and the Olympians, my mum came home and asked us to get ready 'cause we're going to the cat place to buy. I was over the moooooooooon. There were two of the same breed but different colours. One was dark grey and this one is, a little lighter grey or so. The guy taught us how to bathe it and groom it and stuff. My mum was also damn excited. So we settled all the stuff; scratching post, carrier, food, litter, toys, shower stuff. The guy gave us a complete set of what we needed. So at least we know what to do. :D:D

So we let Habib roam around our house curiously. This little bundle is the cutest thing ever. He actually sneaked in between my crossed legs and curled up to sleep. But the most walaoeh thing he did was to actually sleep on my bed. What's worse, on Ahmad's hoodie. Banyak cantek muke die baring atas hoodie orang. Macam tak bersalah gitu. Haha. So far, we're doing good. Apart from Habib peeing on my sis's bed, and a while later, pooping on MY bed. -.- Baru first day, dah banyak cobaan. But I was having fun, seriously. Hopefully tomorrow, it'll stop sneezing. Even though it's cute when it sneezes, it worries me.

Anyway, we got some tips from cat owners as well. This still feels surreal, ya know. We waited so long for this. The only unfair part is Farah. She's only 5 and she got a cat now. While for my case, about 14 years since the first time I started loving cats. In a month's time, he'll be going for his third vaccination. This is so exciting. *screams like fangirl*

Will be going to IKEA tomorrow to get some organization stuff. Need to get the cat stuff organized.

Habibi, Habibi, Habibi ya ali baba! Shaa and Nadeem said the exact same thing to me. -.-

Alrighty, the cat has stopped meowing on the first night. So far so good. Now cat owner can go to sleep. Nights all!!! :D:D

2011-06-21T21:27:00.002+08:00

Rizwan: Why is life so difficult? Simple; you don't see things at the point of view of a six year old.

This guy caught me crying silently in class and bugged me to tell him. It reminded me so much of Syai in Year 1, Sem 1, where Syai actually forced me to tell him everything so I confided all my problems in him. & it was the same with Rizwan too. Something about him reminded me of Syai, but it's different. Rizwan faced the same thing I did too, so I guess we're on the same boat. But talking to him made me feel slightly better. His girlfriend is a lucky girl. Treasure him, Melina. :)

So I guess that's about it. Actually, I'm really thankful to God for the friends I've found. Today, 2 people actually told me that they appreciated me. It's been so long since I've heard that from anyone, and with all the feelings I kept inside in the day, I broke down. Alone. In the room. Well, that's fine with me. But I never expected it today, especially not today. It didn't particularly make my day, but neither did it make me feel worse. I just don't know how to explain it.

I haven't cried like this since the night I woke up from that horrible dream. But I guess sometimes, all we need is a good cry to feel better. I'm gonna try settle everything by tomorrow.

Everyone's stressed too, you know. Always remember you have the Big Guy up there who knows every single thing about you especially on what's best for you. I remember something I read from Al-Kamil but translated to my understanding(gimme a break):

If your prayer has not been fulfilled, it could be because Allah has something better in store for you than what you have asked for. Or it could be because if Allah were to grant it, you would end up sinning even more. Or it could be because if Allah were to grant it, you would forget about Him once you are happy with what you asked for.

Sometimes, I find myself so contradicting. I know all these yet, I'm still so down on myself. Sorry I'm sucha deep and emotional person. Goodnight.

2011-06-21T13:06:00.002+08:00

I really don't know where to rant. On FB and Twitter, everyone will see, and I don't want that. It's called drawing attention and that ain't my intention. Besides, if I rant on Twitter, there are people who are also in the same class as me and this sad son of a fill in the blanks. So, I'd rather not create more problems for myself.

I just counted. Now that it's Week 8, there is 7 more weeks left before I don't have to see this fuckface again. Yea, I'm pissed. The moment he stepped in class today, he grinned at me and said, You got boyfriend? like, a few times.

Mixed with the emotions I'm feeling right now, being angry is the last thing I need because it means I'll burst. & I don't want to burst.

I'm really really pissed with this person right now.

2011-06-20T23:00:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I did a proper post, huh? I do want to post, and I have alot to say, actually. But sometimes, when you have so much you want to say, you just can't find the words to describe them. My stomach is really giving me problems right now. I don't know what's wrong plus it's mixed with the dizzy spells I have lately and makes it all even worse. Too little water maybe?

I still remember Ahmad's words from so long ago. "Face your problems the way a graceful woman should. Be a stronger you, a you who is able to face challenges head on." (I think it was something like that. :p) I admit that my problems may not be comparable to those out there who face worser. But the thing is, in the last few years, I have faced a number of things that made me stronger and made me learn to be stronger. But sometimes, I catch myself wondering, if I'm happy at all that my life turned out this way. I've lost friendships, I've gained some, I've learnt, and I've grown. But is it right that things turned out this way?

I'm always told that I need to learn to let go. But how can I when the past has taught me valuable lessons that made me this way? That sometimes, even in friendships, there needs to be distance. That sometimes, you can't really trust a person with everything.

Well, I'm sorry for saying this. Something happened today that made me feel like letting it out here. But this is not even half of the story.

I've been struggling with myself the past few weeks. Sometimes, the truth just hurts so bad but all you can do is keep silent because there really is nothing you can do when things already got out of hand. But I've always stuck to my beliefs and I'd stick by them still. It's one of the things that keeps me going till this point. It takes a lot of patience to handle this kind of situations and I'm surprised I haven't burst yet.

This is why, when I suddenly remembered what Ahmad said, it hit me. Running away from my problems won't help, and neither would leaving it the way it is help. Right now, I'm figuring out how I'm going to set things right again. But it's impossible because always, in situations like these, someone is bound to get hurt.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the bad person. Sometimes, I even blame myself. Anyone been on the same boat as me? Welcome aboard.

I don't really know what I should do right now. Even talking things out with people close to me, sharing and asking for advice, at the end of the day, it's still my decision to make.

I'm not the kind of person who'd leave without defending myself. Just remember that.

I think I'll just head to bed. I can feel a dizzy spell coming on. Tomorrow's class with the flirty boy. Ergh. Kill me.

I hope there'll be Balinese this Saturday. I kind of miss those Gongs. :(

2011-06-15T21:39:00.005+08:00

My bro is in love.

He wouldn't admit it, though.

But apparently, it's not working out.

He's avoiding her.

For a simple reason: he's afraid.

Of getting hurt again, maybe?

So this is part of what Le Love posted today:

"I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I'm in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I'm not that. I've sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I'm gonna get over it and I'm going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's gonna happen for me."

This is for you, Syaiful Amiril. :)

I realize today that I'm afraid of betrayals.

& I don't want to be betrayed ever again.

But who can stop that right?

Till here. Nights.

2011-06-10T23:11:00.005+08:00

I still remember the dream so clearly. It's been 3 days since the night I woke up at 2.48am, crying my heart out. I confided in Shaa and Nadeem the other day. & they laughed at me. I've never had a dream that could make me cry that bad. Yes, I've cried in my dreams before and woke up with tears on my face, but they were never this bad to the point where I couldn't stop crying. I had to try and calm down, go to the toilet, angkat wudhu and solat malam. Sigh. Ever since then, when I go to sleep, I would pray that I wouldn't ever dream of such a similar thing ever again. :(

Well, I haven't got anything to say actually. So, nights. :)

2011-06-07T00:00:00.001+08:00

Hi budak lelaki yang tengah kat Malacca sekarang.

Happy 22nd month! :D

2011-06-05T22:34:00.003+08:00

I had a great getaway with my family over this weekend. Like having lunch over at Century Square yesterday and then randomly walking through Best Denki to look at the XBOX360 Kinect kiosk. & all of a sudden, my parents decided to buy for Farah. & that's not all! They actually bought the 250GB set, and it cost $649! Seriously, when my parents splurge, the price does not even bother them. -.- Mentang2 skarang dah banyak duit. LOL.

After we actually set up the XBOX at home, we actually went all the way to White Sands just to get more games. But the games were too costly, so I actually sought help from Nadeem since he had a lot of 'lobangs'. HAHA. I've already prepared my list of games that I want to get. Heh.

& today, was the photoshoot. Apparently not what I had in mind but it was still quite okay. The pictures will be printed out in 3D, though I have no idea how that will be done. The irritating part is the Indian family was there so me and sis were pretty much annoyed by the end of the day. But it was fun, talking and joking with Dad, and making fun of the baby on the tram. HAHA.

When we reached home, I actually decided to continue FYP. Then I heard shouting outside, and realized they were all playing the Kinect Sports. Kekek giler. The Javelin part had everyone so kecoh. They were challenging who can throw the furthest. While I was stuck doing codings by myself in the room. Sigh.

Gonna be so lost for the next 5 days even though I've faced worse. Haha. I'm not sure what to do besides going for FYP and GNK. Hmm.

Can't wait till Lisa uploads my cut of the Running Man game. Hilarious to the max, I swear! HAHAHA!!!!

Right, nights, my babies! Sleep tight! :D:D

2011-06-02T23:59:00.002+08:00

All these years, I've always stuck to my beliefs.

& one of them was,

"Biar orang buat jahat pada kita, jangan kita balas dengan jahat juga. Biar Allah yang balas mereka."

This has gotten me through the years, I swear it has.

& now, it's really what I need.

& I told Shaa today, "No wonder they say the truth hurts."

She agreed with me, and Shaa being Shaa, she's one of the people I know who gives good, honest advice.

Seriously, this is not my week.

Sumyar!

2011-05-30T23:07:00.003+08:00

My sis said this looks like a family portrait. HAHA!

GNK = <3

Maisarah Kamal = <3

That botak guy was actually saying Ha'eh, nyiaaawwww.

HAHAHA!!!!

No comments. :p

Our names start with the same letter.

Or at least, the names that people call us by.

Farhana, Fazilah, Fazlun, Fazlina.

Thank you everyone who took the time to come down for Sumyar. The past three months, I've been involved in performances by the professional Gamelan groups and I have to say, they are experiences that would only come once in a lifetime. I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to perform with professionals. & for those who came down, thank you so much!

I think I was too obvious during Srepeg Nem. My sis could tell that I was struggling with the gong. HAHA! Oh wells.

Kak Lynn denied the planned engagement. All Abang Nabil did was smile. Hahaha. But seriously seh, he changed a lot since the last time I saw him, which was in 2008, I think. Must be the NS thing. You're not a real man yet until you've served the nation. Good luck, boys. But anyway, I can't wait till she gets married!!! It's like, finally a cousin on mum's side getting married. Hahahaha!

& speaking of getting married, there's a pengantin portrait on FB. Go figure. HAHA!

I'm very happy with what I've achieved the past few months. I've learnt so much and enjoyed myself throughout. & like I told my sis, "When you play music, you're so focused on the music you're making that you actually leave all your troubles behind." I did. & I've never felt better.

& now, I have to start focusing back on reality. I'm considering using my pay to fix my piano. Wonder how much that'll cost. Hmm.

Nights, all!!

2011-05-26T23:45:00.001+08:00

Walao, wrong day to run into an ex.

Hmm.

What do I do now, what do we do now?

Where are we standing now?

2011-05-24T21:44:00.002+08:00

It feels like a whole load of weight off my shoulders right now. I spent nearly 2 months totally lost, unsure of what to do and how to react, replaying the words in my head, wanting to fight back, to defend myself. I spent hours sitting at my laptop, typing my feelings out on an email, trying to find the right words to say, hoping I wouldn't regret what I was going to do. After every prayer, I remained in the same position, asking Allah for directions, for some kind of sign to guide me to the right path. I spent hours crying because I was afraid, because I was scared, because I had no one to turn to, because everyone I turned to said the same thing, "Just leave it alone." I wasted so many tears because I really, really, really, really didn't know what to do. I'm crying so hard right now just thinking about what I went through just for one person. Yet, she had no idea.

Then, just about 30 minutes ago, I talked to the woman in the picture above. Honestly, I miss her. & I confided in her about everything that was bothering me the past 2 months. What she said in return was what I really needed to hear 2 months ago.

Whenever someone does bad things to us, no matter how bad it was, we should always try to forgive them, no matter how hard it may be to forgive them. Kerna Allah akan selalu maafkan kita bila kita minta maaf, walaupun kita slalu buat salah. It's human to make mistakes, and it's human to want forgiveness when we've done something wrong. What if one day, we've committed a sin, and Allah doesn't want to forgive us? That's why we should learn to forgive.

I should have gone straight to her for advice 2 months ago. I was in constant confusion all this while. But now, I feel better. I've gone through a lot, and I've learnt from my mistakes. I lost something important to me, and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. But I've learnt a valuable lesson here and I'll always remember it. :)

Sumyar this weekend!

2011-05-23T23:24:00.002+08:00

Honestly, I don't really feel appreciated.

I feel like bullshit these days.

& no one knows it.

2011-05-19T23:49:00.004+08:00

Livin' the primary school days again. Played this the whole day. Heh.

Today, I flashed back to when we said three cheers for five years.

& I realized, yeah, you'll be much happier without me.

& though it hurts, I can do nothing but let it be.

Look how much things changed in just 2 years.

Jangan Menyerah

2011-05-15T20:08:00.005+08:00

I really miss this little girl. She grew up so much.

Me and Sisto were SOOOOO super duper shocked that he was the one getting married.

Laki bini steward and stewardess, ape macam?!

I really miss her and her brother.

I didn't get to take a picture with her bro because he kept wandering off.

& he told us he's in silat, she's in tarian.

Awww, my family is so into malay culture. HAHAH!

I was shocked at the quality of this on my laptop.

Never knew my Canon could still produce this kind of quality.

Sayaaaang Canon. :D:D

Been a while since I last updated, huh? Well, I wanted to update a few days back, but apparently, Blogger was down then. So I decided not to blog. But now, here I am! :D

Anyway, just a little information on the couple who just got married today. The guy, Abang Zul, is actually my mum's brother-in-law(ex)'s brother. In short, my uncle's brother. Well, when I was in lower primary, he taught me to memorize my times table. Back then, he tumpang at my house because my aunt was pregnant, so he stayed around to help take care of her while her husband's at work. So, back then, being the gatal me, I thought he was handsome. But really, when he was in his teens, he really was good-looking. Anyway, I only saw him once a year after that. So on every Raya, he'll have a new look. Once, he even had long hair and piercings. And I was already in secondary school then. So, a bit turned off. Haha. And I learnt that he was a little like a playboy. Everytime we see him, it will be with a different girl. So when we saw him today, we were glad that he switched back to schoolboy haircut. Hahaha! When we took the photo together, and he saw me, he was kinda surprised but he waved. Heh. Handsome guy on Mum's side married oledi. Now, waiting for Handsome Guy on Dad's side to get married: Abang Din!!

My Saturday was awesome. I missed them both. & they ajak us to go on a holiday with them. Heeee!!!!! June 22, must remember. His birthday, his birthday, his birthday!!! 13th September. Her birthday, her birthday, her birthday!!!

Okay, I shall head to sleep now. I had an awesome weekend. But lately, the chest pains are getting frequent. I have to keep my meds nearby wherever I go. Sigh. Thus, the reason for the title of this post. :)

Take care, ya'll. :)

Syukuri apa yang ada

Hidup adalah anugerah

Tetap jalani hidup ini

Melakukan yang terbaik

The Way You Are

2011-05-07T13:01:00.002+08:00

I've been wanting to upload the above picture for ages but could never access my sis's iTouch. Then she transfered the pictures to my iPhone, so now's my chance! Hehehe, it became my FB profile picture too. :p I've never met anyone so patient with the way I play Gong. Suara Bali was a memorable experience, and till now, I still get the butterflies I felt in my stomach on the show days. :p I'm really looking forward to the next Singamurti show. :)

You, the only boy that I need.

The only one that I dream about endlessly.

I love the way you are

I love the way

I love the way you are

2011-05-01T15:31:00.003+08:00

People will always want to bring you down.

The most important thing is to get back up to your feet and stand up for what you believe in.

Let them say whatever they want to say.

'Cause you know yourself better than they do.

We've come too far to bring each other down.

I believe we can find a way around this.

Why let unhappiness interfere with your passion?

That's such a waste.

Sigh.

We'll work it out somehow.

Need You Now

2011-04-27T23:43:00.001+08:00

I seriously feel shitty right now.

Physically to emotionally to mentally.

I know crying doesn't help but it's all I feel like doing lately.

I'm sure you'll do just fine without me.

Maybe even I saw this coming.

All people are doing lately is hurt each other.

Last night was the worse of all and up till now, I still can't believe it.

I am so not in the best of moods this week to entertain this bullshit.

Its a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now

2011-04-22T00:33:00.001+08:00

I'm not good enough.

Neither will I be for anyone else.

2011-04-20T22:57:00.002+08:00

Maybe, just maybe, I've begun to accept my fate.

I surprised myself this morning.

My maid was right.

Instead of reading stupid novels, I should just read books about religion.

At least I learn something useful that could benefit me.

Well, school's been fine.

& Syaiful Amiril Bin Haj Mohamad dropped by today.

I. WAS. SO. DAMN. HAPPY.

Macam do'a terkabul ah. HAHAHAHA!

Thank you, Syai.

I'll always pray that you'll find the courage to move on.

I get pissed off easily lately.

I hate this crap, man.

Well, you know, whatever.

2011-04-17T17:58:00.004+08:00

It was a very solemn visit as everyone personally knew him. And everyone cried. When I say everyone, I meant every single one of us shed tears. I cried because when I was staring at the turban or whatever you call the white 'songkok', I remembered the dream I had of him. :(

Anyway, it was a good trip. The whole of yesterday, we went to 3 makams. This makam, Habib Husein and Habib Kuncung. As for the wedding, it was beyond gerek. Damn happening. You know how it is here for a malay wedding. Malay songs, malay karaoke and stuff. But there, the songs were all in Arabic, and there was a live band! Then the singers would invite some of the audience to come on-stage to dance. & its like, Arabian dance eh. Gelek pantat to the side, side, side. & the guys would dance in circles. I was actually like, what the heck? But it's how they dance in Arab. So I was like, cool sia this wedding.

I admire Ummi Aisyah's daughters. They're married off to some random stranger and yet, they can accept that fact. Maybe it's because their father chose their partners so they could trust his judgement. But imagine being married off to a man you've never met before. You don't know what kind of person he is, if he's nice, his personality and stuff like that. And you're about to spend the rest of your life with him. When I was sitting in the pengantin room with Fidtriah (she was very pretty, by the way), it was so obvious that she was nervous. But about 2 hours later, after the nikah, when I dropped by the room, they were both talking to each other like long lost friends. I was like, awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, getting to know each other. So romantic! :p

Going to Indonesia once in a while is a good eye-opener for us. It reminds us to appreciate what we already have and to be grateful for the better life that we have. Yesterday, little children crowded around us with their palms up, begging for money. Some got their money, and the ones that didn't get, chased after us. Even when we're driving away in the car, they chased after the car. It's so heart-breaking. The poverty here is terrible. These children should be in school, yet they have to beg. When I look at the babies that mothers carry, I couldn't help wondering if their future meant having to be like the children too, beg. It's just so heart-breaking.

Anyway, I found this:

I cried when I read the description though. We spent a short 3 days with him last year. & it was an unforgettable experience. We were lucky that we got the chance to spend some time with him. He's such a good person. :)

Semua masok rumah je teros pengsan atas katil. Baikkkkkkk.

Suara Bali

2011-04-10T22:10:00.005+08:00

Mazlan dancing for Cecenangan

Dewi dancing for Usha

Mbak Elly, who danced for Pendet

Farah hit every gong. :p

The inseparable boys: Fahmi, Jason and Renaldo

& Nadia! :D

I don't know why but I feel like the show ended too quickly. We worked pretty hard for 3 months and bam! It's over. My cues for the gong in between songs were perfect for the second, third and fourth show. I pretty much screwed the first one. HAHA. But well, at least the others were fine.

Pendet was awesome! This was the most difficult song for gong, because I had to count, like really count. & sometimes, Niky at the Ugal would look at me and I'll be like, "Okay, that would mean the 16th beat and...(pul)." But that was helpful, so I have her to thank. :p But really, I only figured out the transition for Pendet at the last minute so this song was my major achievement out of all 7 songs.

Godek Miring was perfect, simply put. Heh. As for Topeng Keras and Topeng Dalem, playing the Pengecah next to Mei Yin has always been awesome. We even sempat to low-five each other before we started Topeng Dalem when the lights were dim. Hahahaha. It's so funny to sit next to her in front of the mirror in the dressing room because she's so goddamn funny and random sometimes.

Cecenangan was almost perfect, sadly. I couldn't nail the first transition perfectly, but I always nail the transition before the last part. & whenever I do, Niky who'll be at the Reong, will grin so widely at me. & I'll grin widely too, because it's this amazing feeling. This transition part was actually figured out at the last minute too. I don't know why but I'm lucky I could figure it out before the show. Honestly, Cecenangan was a fun song at the gong because I twist and turn to hit the "male" and "female" gong and the kempul. (Y)

Usha was beautiful, and always will be. I was shocked when Pak Alit came to me one day and said, "Can you play Usha? It's a new piece." I was like, whooaaaaaaaa. Kembang lah skejap. & Isaac, who wasn't originally supposed to play Pengecah with me, got chosen too because he happened to be sitting next to me and copying B. HAHAHA!! There was one part during the song where Isaac and me had to interlock, and he had to start the first note. So we'll be smiling/laughing at each other when we play because the song was very fast, and he was trying to chase after my notes. Hilarious.

I love this whole experience with Balinese gamelan. It's been an amazing time with all the people who made this production possible. From fooling around in the dressing rooms, to eating 8 boxes of pizza together, to forming a circle and holding hands in prayer, to sitting in the corridor just joking and gossiping (the guys can really gossip like girls), to endless laughter the whole time. I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to be part of this production. & I cannot thank Pak Alit ENOUGH for his endless patience in me playing the gong. I just cannot thank him enough, even though he praised my gong skill during the show. I managed to get a picture with him though, for memory's sake, even though the picture quality wasn't really that good. Still, it's better than nothing.

I've never played gong this passionately for Javanese gamelan. This really stuns me. When I watched the video, I could see myself swaying to the music. & I seemed to have so much fun hitting the gongs, which is amazing, really. Mei Yin was right, you gotta feel it. & I did for all 4 shows. :D:D:D

I have a backache right now. I think it's worth 3 months of the rehearsals. Hahaha. But I'm not gonna complain because it was worth it.

& you know what? Before I left the dressing room last night, Mei Yin said this,

"Oh, and Fazlun, I have good news for you. You are now a member of Gamelan Singamurti."

I was like, "Are you serious? Wait, you're joking right?" And she was like, "Am I joking? No, I'm not joking. Niky, am I joking?" & I heard Niky say no. I was like, thank you thank you thank you!!! :D:D

I am so happy. Balinese = LOVE.

I'm gonna sleep like a pig again tomorrow. I feel so tired all of a sudden, even though I slept for more than 8 hours.

Off to Jakarta this Thursday evening. Gonna visit some makam(s) and hopefully, I'll find some peace in my heart and answers as well. :)

One In A Million

2011-04-07T22:43:00.008+08:00

It's actually the 31th of March when I'm writing this. I had a feeling that I would be too busy to actually come online during the show week so I decided to do what I did when I had to go to Indonesia that time. (God, that feels like years ago. :/) My two little sisters are actually singing Baby to the iTouch right now, LOL.

Anyway, what would the monthsary be again? If this month was 19th, then April would be 20th, right? Yesssss, how time flies! :p

Well, by the time this gets posted, it'll be 2 more days before you finally board the plane to head back to your homeland, huh? & by then, the show would be over. I'll probably be home sleeping, pancit already. HAHA. But well, I just wanted to post this so that at least it shows that I remembered before the actual date and also in case I forgot again. :p

Okay, to the point:

Thank you for all these amazing months, with you and away from you, it's still the same. My feelings have never changed a single bit. You've been there for me, and you've tried to be there for me whenever you can. I just want you to know that I really appreciate it, whatever you've done and have tried to do for me. Your advices, especially in Ustaz mode, have never failed to wake me up and make me realize that whatever happens in life "has already been written 50, 000 years ago". I'll try to always remember that. :p Being with you has taught me so much things that I can't even list down, because there's just too many. You make people want to be a better person. :) Happy 20th. ♥♥♥

Baby you're so one in a million, you are

Baby you're the best I ever had

And I'm certain that

There ain't nothing better

No, there ain't nothing better than this

2011-04-05T23:52:00.002+08:00

I just came back from Emily Hill. Pendet still stresses the hell outta me, to the point where I recorded the whole song and listened to it while on the way home. & then I got pissed with the song and stopped, and continued reading the book I'm currently reading. It's called, Some Girls Are. Pretty bitchy storyline. Pretty much fits what I faced in my later secondary school days. But this story is a little too extreme and violent, so I guess what I faced then was a little mild.

I'm not sure if I've forgiven them. Sometimes, I ask myself that. But I don't really know the answer. Sure, I wonder how they're doing and all that, but sometimes I wonder, have they had a taste of their own medicine? Like I've said before, I've always believed that people can do whatever bad things they want to you, but you should leave it to God to punish them. That was what I did back then. I suffered in silence, relished the small, good things, but deep inside, it hurt so much. But nobody knew that because I never said a word. I forced a smile everyday, and I believed that someday, they'll be punished for what they did to me. And then I found this book. This book that matched everything I felt at that point of time, even though the content is different.

Now, having the friends I've had and learning from them and everything, I wish I could turn back the time and stood up for myself. I wish I hadn't cowered in a little corner by myself, just because they thought I was too.... I don't know. Up till now, I never understood why they did that. Why there was a need to even do what they did. I mean, we're all the same. We're humans. We're not perfect. We make mistakes. We do something wrong, and people get angry with us. Yet, sometimes, some things may be beyond our control. I wish they could have understood that. But hey, we were all almost 16 back then.

When I read this book, especially at the sadder parts, it awakened all the feelings that I kept in a corner. The hate, the tears I wasted, the pain. Did I deserve that back then? What did I do then that had made me have to go through that alone? Even though 4 years have passed, the pain is still fresh in me, as though it happened minutes ago. I could remember every detail still, every word, every action, and all that were like stabbing my chest with a sword and slowly pulling it out.

& you. Up until now, I don't know if I've fully forgiven you. I mean, yeah, we meet up sometimes, and do stuff and all that shit, but I really don't know if I'm doing that because I want to or because I should. Sometimes, I chase all these thoughts to the back of my mind because I hate making trouble and causing problems. But then, when I'm alone, and my thoughts fall on you, I wonder again and again why I'm still thinking all these, what you did to me, why you chose them over me, why I was just nothing to you when we had everything. The past is the past, but the past haunts me. Because it's the reason I am the person I am today.

Only people who've known betrayal would understand how I feel. I still cry sometimes when I remember the events that happened back then. I don't know why I do, because it's so long ago. I've pushed those bad memories so far back, but somehow, they find a way to creep back to my mind and I have to relive them.

I've never wished ill on them for what they did. But I hope that, should the same thing happen to them one day, I hope they'll remember me and what they did.

I don't know why I'm saying all these but I just really need to get this off my chest. A lot of things are happening lately and I can't even talk about it here. So when I was walking home earlier and my mind was actually reliving my worst secondary school days, it totally made me snap.

I think I'm just too tired.

I think Suara Bali is going to be a great, awesome performance. Just as long as I remember not to stare at Pak Alit's hands when he's drumming. Because the gongs are directly behind the drums, I can see his hands drumming. I always zone out when I see his forearm muscles, whatever you call them. I don't know why but when he drums, it's just so awesome, I was so awestruck the first time I noticed. & they had a drum interlocking practice session yesterday, it was supermassively awesome. It's like, mind-blasting!! Before this, I've never had a strong thing for drums even though I depended on them for the major gong cues. But after watching Pak Alit play, I think I fell in love with the Balinese drums. :p

Oh my, it's 1.04 am already. Gonna go get some sleep!

P.S Ahmad! Bring back some kebab la! :p

When You're Gone

2011-03-31T23:14:00.001+08:00

So I met Snow White and her Dwarf today with their two midgets. Haha. Story: I was alone at home after sending Farah to school, and Mum went to the office for some meeting or something. I got a random call from Dwarf and he asked me if I've eaten and stuff. Then when he found out I was alone at home, he asked if I wanted to meet him and Snow White at White Sands. Like duh, I'm always up for meeting them. Hehe. So we met, and decided to lunch at Mad Jack. After a while, I called Sisto and asked her if she wanted to join us. She was practically yelling on the phone, "OMG, I LOVE MAD JACK'S BAKED RICE!" kind of thing, ya know. So she joined us. At around 5, I left them at Mad Jack to head back home to fetch Farah. Nafisah surprised me with a hug from behind. & when I turned to face her, this big gust of wind blew her tudung over and covered her face. I laughed like crazy. HAHAHA!!!! So when the bus came and I got Farah with me (excitedly talking about her homework), I brought her back to Mad Jack to meet the rest. And the picture up there, was what Dwarf bought for her.

I hate these kind of toys which you'll have to build from scratch. I was damn irritated with it, seriously. They just won't connect together, especially the slide and the blue roof. I started on it at about 7 all the way until 10, including pasting the stickers and whatever nonsense. If I ever have a son, I'll get my husband to do this nonsense for him. HAHAHA!!! :p

I didn't know Mr. Australia still reads my blog. I feel ever so touched. :p *pink blob shaking its sexy butt here*

I've started to adjust a little. Although it tires me out and makes me feel like a wife/mother the whole time, I've decided that maybe this could be a good thing for us all. We'll just need to give Farah some time to move on. :)

I've never felt this way before

Everything that I do reminds me of you

And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor

And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

2011-03-30T23:09:00.002+08:00

Wow, I must have been pretty emotional yesterday, huh? I hardly remember what happened yesterday except for a lot of crying. Haha. Biasa ah, bro. Kalau tak nangis, tu bukan Fazlun. But well, I thought a lot about what happened lately and I just thought that maybe, it's good that this happened. Because, we finally know who are the ones who would stay when we need help, and who are the ones who wouldn't. Pretty people showed their true ugly colours now. About time. :)

But I don't really care, actually. It's not like we asked for help, anyway. I have my family by my side, that's more than enough. Farah's fine, I guess. We came up with as much excuses as we could, haha. Sometimes, she cries and becomes very stubborn, and Sisto, always being the impatient one, would scold Farah. But me, I guess I have to be the water when there's 2 fire bushes burning up in front of me. Hahahaha. It actually was kinda fun, having the role of authority. Listen to me and shut up, kinda thing. But being the eldest does have its disadvantages: TV.

I want to watch KBS but Farah wants to watch Disney Channel or CartoonNetwork. & if I don't tune to the channel she wants, she'll kick up some tornado of a tantrum. And when I say kick, it's for real. I think she should play in an all-girls soccer team. She has the legs and strength for it. LOL.

Actually, whatever that happened lately, wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I think I just overreacted or something. You know me, always so negative. But I've seen some positive things over what happened and I think we'll be just fine.

I guess I've cheered up some today. Well, going down for GNK cheered me up a lot. Especially when you have Liyana, Haikal, Fahmi and Amirul to joke around with after that. We sat at Banquet for an hour plus or so, and then Fahmi and myself headed for GSM practice at Emily Hill. I think that by the end of next week, I'll probably earn myself some leg muscles or something. The hike up Emily Hill drives me crazy. What's worse, it's gonna be intensive practice starting this Friday onwards. I'm gonna die, man, climbing up the steep stairs. The up side is that the place, has lots and lots and lots of cats. Heh.

Balinese is fine, so far. EXCEPT for Pendet. That song can just drive me crazy. I play by memory, and worse, Mei Yin and Mazlan are so far away from me so I can't see which note they're hitting. I got so freaking lost just now. But Pak Alit is always so nice. Why is he always so nice?! I feel so bad whenever I make a mistake and all he does is smile and laugh at me. Macam die simpan marah. Tak bagos seh gitu. I salute him for his patience, seriously. I was probably just too tired just now. B kept saying my face looks so pale. Hmm. But 4 songs are almost tight already, major achievement!!! :D:D:D:D:D Gong ain't as easy as it seems, trust me.

This is the final sprint. Just one more week, and it'll be over and done with. Not forgetting the 4th April show at Nanyang Primary. There'll be interaction with the kids, gosh that'll be so awesome. Hahahaha.

Well, I guessed I've really cheered up a lot. Take care, guys. Always be in the best of health, alright? :)

2011-03-29T23:47:00.000+08:00

In just 4 months since Angah's departure, so many problems hit this family.

But I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.

Only Allah knows best.

So whatever comes our way, we have to accept it.

I just hope for the strength to overcome it.

Someone told me this today:

There's nothing you can do by crying sadly. It's just something written by Allah 50000 years ago.

You just have to learn to move on.

At that point, I couldn't absorb the words because I was crying too hard.

But now, I think he's right.

Sometimes, you just need someone to remind you.

My commitments are really clashing with my family problems right now.

I just wish someone could understand how much I really need people to be mature and understand the situation I'm in.

It's not that I don't want to be there, I just can't no matter how much I want to be there.

You don't know what kind of stress I'm under right now.

Well, nights.

2011-03-26T22:59:00.003+08:00

I was in the bus yesterday, returning from the photoshoot at school when he told me he was online, and I happened to have arrived at Pasir Ris so I rushed home faster. & we skyped for a while. But it was good enough for me 'cause he was very entertaining with the hair and the complaints. :p

So, the maulid just ended a while ago. Liyana came and finally met Ummi Aisyah. Hehehe. First time bringing a friend to "my world". Hahahaha. The maulid was full force. Zikir, Burdah, Asmaul Husna and the normal songs we always do. The most epic part is Liyana's shocked face when the first song started and the women played drums. Her mouth was hanging open, like shocked and jakon. I was singing away but laughing 'cause her face was so funny. She said, "Ni dah macam orang kahwin." LOOOOL. & I saw on her twitter, she said that it was like arabian night here. HAHAHA!! Cute sia she.

But at the same time, the BBQ was ongoing at Pasir Ris Park. I felt bad about not going cause I missed the last one and the boys are always organizing these BBQs for the group. But what can I do when the date coincided with an important event at my house? People need to understand that. I would have forgone the maulid had it not been for the thinking that I needed the do'a. Not just for my sake, but for my family. I tried to persuade my mum, and she said, "Which is more important, BBQ with your friends or do'a?" & it's true anyway. I don't regret not going for the BBQ, because there was a lot of do'a. & of course, because of Ummi Aisyah. :)

I can't wait for the 14th.

But first, the 4th and 8th and 9th. I'm such a busy woman ever since joining the professional Gamelan groups. It does tire me out, but the busier I am, the less I think about the problems that really bug me.

Okay, this is a post longer than I had planned. Well, take care ya'll. :D

2011-03-24T23:45:00.001+08:00

I'm really tired.

That's all I can say.

Do whatever you wanna do.

There are very few people that I can trust now.

Very. Few.

& ya know, sometimes, people just really need to GROW UP.

Goodnight.

2011-03-19T23:43:00.002+08:00

Today was one of the happiest days of my life.

It's a day I wouldn't trade anything in this world.

I waited 10 years for this.

I waited 10 years for answers.

Allah has granted my wish.

Alhamdulillah.

I can sleep with a smile on my face tonight.

Remember Allah, and Allah will remember you.

Forget about Him, and you'll be forgotten too.

2011-03-17T01:22:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it gets harder to be patient.

& even with my level of tolerance, I doubt I can hold in my anger further.

You can be rude with me, you can be sarcastic with me.

But push my buttons harder, and you'll feel the wrath you'll regret feeling.

You can be whatever you wanna be, I don't care.

You can go to hell, I don't care.

I am done here, reminding you and all that shit.

Because obviously you don't bloody care.

So why should I waste my breath?

I may not be perfect, I may not be much of a good person either.

But tolerating this each and every day is more than I can take

There is nowhere I can vent now.

You can go ahead and swear at me.

You can go ahead and curse at me.

But one thing for sure, you'll get your karma.

& that's the day I await.

I've always been patient, I've always been silent when it comes to people hurting me. Because I have always believed what the Prophet has taught us:

Biar orang buat jahat pada kita, jangan kita buat jahat pada mereka.

Allah is not blind to what I am feeling right now.

The tears that fall every single night.

You don't know how much it fucking hurts to be me.

2011-03-10T20:19:00.002+08:00

I don't even know where to begin or how. All I want is simply for everything to be over and done with. No more police calls, no more visits to the lawyer, no more arguing, no more sorting of evidences/receipts, no more stress for both my parents. This whole period is putting a lot on their shoulders and even though sometimes I disagree with my mother's tactics, I want everything to just quickly end and have Aisyah back with us.

I pity Farah, that's all. Just this morning, I woke up suddenly because Farah was coughing her throat out and even vomited. & in the afternoon, we found out that Aisyah was also sick with a fever. When Aisyah was in our care, she was rarely ever sick. & as soon as she's away from us, she's sick. Sigh.

Well, I know, everything happens for a reason right?

I just have to keep praying hard for this to all be over soon.

The only thing I'm looking forward to is Ummi Aisyah will be sleeping over at my place on the 12th and 13th, which is this Saturday and Sunday! Like, woohoo! & her youngest daughter's wedding is on the 15th of April and hopefully, if all goes well, we'll be going for the wedding! :D:D I get to see Zein and Idruz again!

I'm like, sipping on Tom Yam soup right now and it's my 4th bowl. It's so delicious I can't stop getting more. Well, I guess I should be going to bed now. Have to wake up early to clean up the house for Ummi Aisyah's arrival. Heh heh heh.

Alright then, take care all! :)

2011-03-07T20:10:00.002+08:00

19th :)

2011-03-06T20:00:00.003+08:00

Everything is so messed up right now. They're playing law with my family. Mum is half panicked, half angered, half crazy, for being wrongly accused. I just really feel like meeting that man and punching the lights out of him. We've found every evidence we could possibly get our hands on, and they're all not in the man's favour.

Farah is running a high fever. We have a feeling that Aisyah is sick too. The two girls have always been very close, even if they always fought with each other.

I can't believe this is happening, you know?

Thank you for the call and the 19th month wish.

You made my night better.

2011-03-05T23:08:00.002+08:00

I know the feeling of betrayal by friends.

& betrayal of love.

Now, I finally really truly know,

that even family can betray you.

Bringing the police to my doorstep without a warrant?

You people are such no-brain losers.

2011-03-02T15:20:00.002+08:00

God, I wish Mum would get back quickly.

I'm like, living in fear even though there's nothing to fear.

But my maid makes the house seem so vulnerable.

Gaaaaaaaaaaah.

2011-03-02T13:37:00.001+08:00

I think if my family's drama were to become a TV family drama series, it'd probably be a big hit.

You keep appearing in my dreams,

it makes me sad.

What Makes A Man

2011-02-28T22:47:00.003+08:00

5-room

4-room

2-room

This girl is the most cheerful person I've ever met. There is no silent moment when you're with her. & sometimes, you can really talk about deep stuff with her one moment, and the next, you can laugh your ass off at each other. Today's meeting was random and unplanned. I was in school to pay the stupid fines I got for using the game room, and Haz didn't turn up, and Liyana happened to be in school for FYP, so we both ended up at Toa Payoh for a late lunch. After lunch, we went over to this HDB building where they had this showroom of the flats they have. & by the way, the picture of her is the showroom for the 2-room flat. The toilet has 2 door entrances. Imagine doing your business and forgetting to lock the other door, then someone comes right in on you. That would be soooo embarrassing.

I've been having bad headaches lately. It's so bad to the point that when I'm on my feet and the dizzy spell hits me, I actually sway. Then I will have to sit down till the dizziness goes away. Gosh, sucks to be me.

Gamelan on Tuesday and Wednesday. Balinese on Wednesday night. I can't wait till the show comes. It's so very exciting!!!!!! Wooooooo!!!!!

At least I have many things to do for the next 2 months.

& MOTHER IS IN HONG KONG, TOTALLY ENJOYING HERSELF. SHE WENT ON A CRUISE TO WATCH THE SUNSET. ARGH, I WISH I DECIDED TO FOLLOW HER. GAAAAHHHHHH.

& you know what? Westlife never gets old. :p

Okay, it's 11 now. Have to head off to sleep, else I'll wake up late tomorrow. Breakfast in the morning with Boyfriend-for-2-months (LOL, Ahmad, don't jealous! :p) before the bridging programme thing. Lancaran Yuyu~~~~

This isn't goodbye

Even as I watch you leave

This isn't goodbye

I swear I won't cry

Even as tears fill my eyes

I swear I won't cry

When We Say

2011-02-27T21:37:00.006+08:00

Now that I've cleared up a little, I can finally remember what exactly happened yesterday. Pffffft.

I have to say first that Balinese rehearsal was arggghhhhhh. No surprise though, it is as usual, stressing. Anyway, the poster or brochure or whatever you call it for Suara Bali was out, and Mei Yin gave me one. So, I shall probably get GNK to go. Hmm.

2 people offered to be my boyfriend for the next 2 months. HAHAHAHA. None other than my 2 buddies, Liyana and Syai. It cheered me up somehow. & talking to Syai after a while brought back the good old memories of W35F. Sigh.

Anyway, Mother dearest left for Hong Kong today. But last I heard, she ended up stuck in the hotel with a flu while the others went shopping. I am soooooooo not surprised. Mum's nose can never stand any type of cold. Abeh boleh berangan nak gi New Zealand. Her nose would probably fall off. HAHA. Kay la, I kind of miss her loud, annoying, commanding voice around the house. The house seems too quiet without her. Okay, scratch that last. The kids were just fighting earlier. But kids are, well, kids.

Hippo came over just now with her maid and Nabilah. I kind of decided to let go of the past yesterday when we met up for dinner with granddad's family. It was kind of random, by the way, the dinner. Seafood at Fisher's Tavern never fails to satisfy your hunger. Even though an hour before that, I actually had a Filet-o-Fish meal at Macs with Liyana and my sis. Perangai orang gemok. Finished up the whole plate of cereal prawns, favourite sia. & Tom Yam soup, absolutely mouth-watering. Omg, my stomach's grumbling just talking about food. So, Hippo and me are talking again, and I was joking around with Cik Jal yesterday. Just like we used to, ya know? I found that I actually missed that.

But you know, sometimes, there are things that people do that makes you unhappy with them. But then again, what is the point of holding grudges? :)

Will be meeting Haz tomorrow to go to school to pay the stupid fines we got for using the game room. -.- I got a $1.00 fine. Like that also must go all the way to Woodlands. Gosh! & I still can't get over the fact that Haz declined a job offer just because I didn't get it too. Epic sia! Hahahaha, kay la, shall not go into that or I'll end up laughing non-stop again. HAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will not be listening to my phone playing this song for the next 2 months. The exact same song from 0:27 onwards. But, ohwells. I got surprised when I opened my MSN and read a long mono-conversation from Ahmad. So cute. As usual. :]

2011-02-26T23:40:00.002+08:00

The end of my day: this little girl.

At least, I had a reason to stop crying.

That long message had me crying worse.

The hugs from Liyana had me crying even worse.

But the four of them at least tried to make me feel better.

Shak, Rafi, Liyana and my sis.

I'll pray for your safety, always.

& I'll wait patiently till you come back.

Be safe always, and have fun there.

I love you. :)

2011-02-26T00:29:00.000+08:00

Think I might just cry tomorrow.

Sigh.

2011-02-24T22:56:00.002+08:00

I'll always remember today.

From buying your camera bag,

to having nasi goreng at the Esplanade concourse,

to walking in the sunshine to Marina Bay Sands,

to walking around The Shoppes endlessly,

to poking fun at each other,

to endless photo-taking with your new camera,

to another round around The Shoppes because it rained,

to walking in the light drizzle back to City Hall,

to singing old national day songs,

to marching kiri, kiri, kiri kanan and switch,

to just, being with you.

I smiled a lot today.

I laughed so much today.

I fell in love again today.

You made me have premature ventricular contractions.

But the whole time, I was holding back my tears,

not wanting to ruin a fun day for us.

All I can say is thank you,

for letting me have such wonderful memories of today

to last me till the day you come back.

I love you very much. :)

2011-02-21T22:45:00.002+08:00

Things are pretty crazy around here. & today was so kecoh with Liyana because we were asking and discussing about getting jobs. Then I had to join Haz and Cynthia on MSN to discuss about which FYP project to select. So I'm waiting till I can get ahold of that Azhar who is always so busy somehow. Haha. Deadline is like so soon. :/

I discovered something last night that I'm very happy about. I'm gonna just stay happy about it. HAHA.

I'm kinda craving a Double Filet-O-Fish meal right now. Hmm.

Sakura tomorrow with the GNK darlings! :D:D:D:D:D:D x736483985429342

5 days left

2011-02-17T16:08:00.004+08:00

Pretty much like this shot a lot.

Tomorrow's the last day of UT!!! I don't know why but I don't feel happy about it. The years just went by too fast. After this holidays, I'll be in Year 3. I'm not prepared for it and the UTs so far have been easy, which means they'll go strict on the moderation part. :(

So, last night, I had a long, super long chat with my maid. Mother and Father were not around, and middle sister was studying in the room while the 2 younger brats were watching TV, so I had pretty much a peaceful chat with my maid. However, it is not that much of peaceful. She was actually reading her huge encyclopedia called Al-something, where inside is all you wanna know about Islam. They cover about azab Neraka, the different categories of Neraka, to the beautiful gardens of Syurga and Ahklak and all that. So, before she made me read some sections of that book (1000++ pages, oooohhhmygawddd!) we discussed about what happened when he came by the other day. I don't really like talking about the bad stuff about my family here, especially since I know people are reading into my personal life, but I have nowhere to vent except my diary. So anyway, I learnt many shocking possibilities that my maid brought up and we discussed it last night that brought us to a few possible conclusions as well.

So firstly, all these years, he had really wanted to meet us. Well, of course, this is his elder sister we're talking about. & of course, I feel safe to say that me and Far were the only nieces that he always brought out jalan-jalan with his girlfriend. Heh. Anyway, he told my mum that he told both my youngest aunts to arrange for him to meet with my mum, but they didn't. So, obviously, they'd always had his contact number but never even told my mother. Well, I'm not surprised 'cause those two women have always been like that. & apparently, my aunt who married that ang moh actually bad-mouthed about us. Wow. That's what we get for helping her out when her house almost got sold and when she was going through divorce. Tsk3. Apa nak jadi dengan manusia skarang.

So my maid was telling me about Mother dearest talking about this radio syarahan or something that was talking about penzina and children who are unfilial to their parents. Then she said, "Ah, tu Tini kene dengar ni. Die kan dulu slalu gadoh ngan mak bapak die." & my maid actually replied something about orang yang durhaka pada ibu-bapa, Allah akan turunkan balasan di dunia, or something like that. & Mother dearest teros shut up and changed the subject.

Mom, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Terase!

But, true. Look what happened with my grandpa.

Now, moving on to that couple pulak. He told my mum that during the time when Mother halau grandpa out of the house because of what he did with that maid, apparently a few years later, something disturbed his wife until she was wheelchair bound. So when he brought his wife to see the Ustaz/tukang ubat, they said that it was sent by either my grandpa or the maid. But my maid's theory is that it's most probably the maid.

But! We're not accusing her of anything. Hanya Tuhan sahaja tau yang sebenar. But this is what we can deduce based on our own observations. So, it's not wrong.

Why did my maid say that?

Because the maid is from Madura.

I asked my maid why she thinks that way. Apparently, people from Madura (some la!) use ilmu hitam/black magic. But I protested. I said: Tapi, kalau die pakai ilmu hitam, macam mane die boleh bace Qur'an, solat tu sume?

& my maid excitedly opened her Islam encyclopedia *smack forehead* and read to me this section that was like, people who are religious on the outside as a cover for the evil things they do. I was like, whoa! Such people exists! & my maid was like, dorang masok neraka la nanti!

Duh! -.-

So I did a little research on black magic in Madura. & yeah. It's true. Not all of the people la, but there are some who practise it. & our theory is, what happened 12 years ago in that bedroom could possibly be because she used it on my grandpapa. I mean, kalau kau dah naik Haji, takkan la nak buat maksiat. So, our theory was he was possibly under a spell. & my maid said that ever since that incident, my mother swore that she would never, ever take a maid from Madura again.

So after realizing this, I was like, noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I've been nice to her all these years ever since I witnessed what happened and now, there is a possibility that she used that on my family members! Pffft.

No wonder my mum wants to run away so badly. Haha.

My maid even said that both Habib Saggaf and Ummi Aisyah told my mum that it's not safe if she stays in Singapore. So, from the start, they knew! -.-

& speaking of Ummi Aisyah, when she comes to Singapore for the usual maulids, when it'll be at my house, confirm that maid bace very loud. I've always found that annoying. -.-

From now on, I'll pray hard for Allah's protection around my family.

Yeah, of course I'll let it go, but you know, sometimes, you can forgive, but you can't forget. The scenes in that room are still etched in my mind till this day. Sometimes, I'd feel like digging out those bad memories just so that I wouldn't replay them at random moments or be reminded of them.

But, my maid said that from this family alone, I can learn a lot of things just by observing hard. Some members have committed many crimes and from their experience alone, I can actually become a better person. But she's too late; I've long realized it. So I guess being part of this family is kinda beneficial in some way. :D

Okay, that's it. Tata for now! :D

2011-02-15T22:25:00.002+08:00

I was too late when I got home; he left long before I arrived.

He studied Chemical Engineering. He left his pilot job and is now working in an oil refinery company or something. He travels alot; he's leaving for China tomorrow. He has a son and daughter now. Aunty Tini apologized to my mum. His son is in Anglo Chinese Primary and his daughter is due to go to Raffles Girls Primary next year. He's rich now, no surprise. He always said he'll prove some people in the family wrong.

My sister got the chance to meet him. I didn't. She got to talk to him. I didn't. I missed him. For 8 years, I've wondered where he was. All I can remember is his young, handsome face. But my sis got to see how much he'd grown over the years.

Well, Faz, it's not your fault. You're always a little too late sometimes.

I hope to get to meet you someday, Pak Ucu. Don't leave again. :(

Distant

2011-02-14T22:19:00.003+08:00

I almost cried when I found out that he tried to guess what I would like to eat today. He had two choices on his mind: Chicken Chop or Spaghetti. He recounted on the times where I'd always have spaghetti at Art Bites, so he chose to get me Spaghetti, and Fish & Chips for himself. Unfortunately, he was wrong. I really felt like having Chicken Chop just now, but what he did, really, really, really, really touched me. Usually, he'd ask what I want to eat. But today, for the first time, he took a big step at guessing what I would want to eat. & while we ate, he kept asking me if it was nice, and if I was okay with it. The truth was, I really felt like crying because I've never been so touched by someone's action.

& after doing my notes for tomorrow's OS paper, I decided to read the E-Learning MSN convos that I kept. It got me laughing like crazy, in the freaking library! I really missed those times. & I went to my blog to watch the Live In Texas videos as well. & it is only now that I realized how much my camera always focused on him. Heh. Biase la, zaman crushing. :p

I promise I will be strong. & I'll be waiting here, always. :)

Loyalty is not an entity

Of what we are

Distant strangers

Foolish aren't I

2011-02-13T17:07:00.003+08:00

THIS IS FREAKY. IT'S THE EXACT SAME AS 2 YEARS AGO!!!!!!

& IT WAS UNINTENTIONAL!!!!

MIND-BLOWING!

It's amazing how fast time flew. I had a lot of fun when the girl specially came down to RP to meet us after such a long time. So we had lunch at The Reel Room @ the library and we all laughed a lot. Azhar, Mirah, Ahmad, Maisarah and myself. Syaiful Amiril, if you're reading this, you missed out on alot. HAHA! Never mind, the 24th okay? Check the picture on my FB profile.

So. I'm doing my revision right now. It began on Friday, even though I was actually quite tired after spending the whole day outside and also that long hours of standing during The Big Five. But. It was worth it because I really enjoyed the whole day. So, that is enough fun to last me the next week of UTs. :D

By the way, I got a B for MIS. & C for SAD. Boy, am I so happy. I shared it with Haz and she was like, "See? If I didn't motivate you, you wouldn't have done so well." I'm blessed to have her as my friend. :D:D:D

Alright, people. I'll be on hiatus for the next week because of UTs, unless my fingers itched to blog. So, take care and good luck with studying! Jia You!!!!!

13 days left. :(

2011-02-10T22:14:00.002+08:00

I'm a terrific liar when it comes to my true feelings.

I'm a terrific actor when it comes to hiding my feelings.

& I'm also terrific at crying silently with no one noticing.

But I don't feel terrific.

I'll miss you.

But I know I gotta be strong.

2011-02-10T12:12:00.002+08:00

I helped Aisyah with her Art homework last night. It was due tomorrow. I came back from the clinic, wanted to catch a few winks before catching Autumn's Concerto, but that Aisyah reminded me about her art homework. I was like, ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! But as tired as I was, I told her to fetch her art book and art materials. So we sat on the floor surrounded by newspapers and did the art together. It's been ages since I touched poster paint. She wanted the animal to be a cat, but I told her cat cannot paint much colours. Do butterfly la, butterfly very colourful right? So she said okay. It was fun, surprisingly. Despite my being tired from my endless walking around Bugis, Marina Square and CityLink alone, I found myself wishing the girl's mother was still around to watch her daughter doing her art. But I don't know, Aisyah was very happy with her art work. So that makes me happy. :D

I've been having a headache since yesterday and it bothers me. And my left shoulder area hurts when I use strength on my left hand. The chest pain came back too. I'm being very careful with my breathing right now.

Revision for UT3 starts today. Good luck, everyone! :)